Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Loose metaphor, carried waaay too far (hey, first timer)

So I have this friend. He’s a really successful guy. That is, he’s got a sweet job that pays fantastic. Any of us would kill for it. However, I’m not saying he’s particularly good at running his life. In fact, most think he sucks at it. Anyway, as an example of his decision making skills, I’m going to tell a little story about him.

This friend of mine, Bill, is constantly surrounded by smoking hot young chicks. I mean, he’s got talent draped all over him, all the time. Now, most of them are really young, he doesn’t know them that well, he’s dabbled with some, but not too much. In fact, some are underage, but he’s not touching them, at least not yet. They’re all potentially smoking trophy wives, but he’s an impatient guy, and he really wants to take the big step, the big plunge, and get married to just the right girl. All the chicks he’s hooked up with recently have been pretty big disappointments. I don’t know if he’d been drunk when he decided to start dating them, or what, but he’s made a number of mistakes recently. Some are a little too old, and most weren’t that hot to begin with.

Anyway, he knows this guy that he kind of works with, in the same field. He’s been married for a few years now to a blonde bombshell that Bill is completely infatuated with. Bill wants nothing more than to marry this chick. This guy, Pete, is basically going through divorce proceedings. His blonde bombshell is a gold digging 29 year old that is costing him a lot of money. Sure, she’s basically been the only bright spot in his life the last couple of years, but he’s deciding it’s not worth it. In fact, he wants to be like my friend Bill, live it up with talented young hotties, and basically start over. Maybe in a few years one or two of them become marriage material and change his life again. Who knows, but he’s at a point where’s he’s got to do something.

So my buddy Bill is basically saying “hey, I’ll set you up with some of my tarts, my teases, if you convince your wife to marry me.” An indecent proposal, for sure, and Pete is having a tough time pulling the trigger. I have no idea why, as Bill has proven numerous times recently that he can be taken advantage of by gold diggers. And, I mean, the chicks he’d be sending Pete’s way have TALENT. It’d be exciting to have her around, she’s one of the hottest chicks I’ve ever seen, but I’m a little worried Bill is only trying to marry her to keep up appearances with his colleague in LA who has just been plain old more successful than he has recently.

Anyway, tough call either way. I’m sure Jeff, Brian, and Ryan are just as vested in this as I am. Frankly, I think my friend Bill is a jackass that is making a mistake, but…I really want to sleep with Erik Bedard too, even if it is just for two years and costs me an arm and a leg and a Jones.

7 comments:

Jay Z said...

Oooh, I just got in trouble for leaving out Zadecky, huh?

Wilson said...

Holy fuck is this a metaphor? I need to read this fucking thing again. I took it literally.

Jeff Rudnicki said...

Holy Crap! Unreal Jay, amazing.

Ryan Smith said...

Nice. And the mental image of Peter Angelos's dusty corpse bumpin' uglies with a bunch of lovely young ladies has replaced Barney Gumble in a bikini as my new "think unsexy thoughts" go-to.

Nevertheless, if Angelos blocks this deal, Oriole Township (we lost our Nation status more than ten years ago) cannot forgive him for it. I love Bedard, but the Orioles have to roll the dice here.

zadecky said...

You sure did, Jay. And for that you win a toe kick to the junk next time I see you. Better start wearing a cup.

Jay Z said...

Oh, come on. I commented like, 4 seconds after I posted it. Besides, honestly, do you think I own a cup, or know how to put one on?

zadecky said...

fair enough....maybe you can just stuff a bunch of cigarette packs in your drawers