Thursday, January 31, 2008

April Showers bring Brandon Flowers

With the NFL season about to be concluded in a decidedly uninteresting fashion, it is time to look ahead to Spring and the overhyped, overKipered NFL Draft. Instead of looking at measurables and combine performances and Wonderlic scores, however, I would like to focus on something that is rarely examined with the attention it deserves in the mainstream media, but probably has equal predictive power as to who will succeed in the NFL. So without further ado, I present to you: The 10 Best Names of the 2008 NFL Draft.

10. DeJuan Tribble - CB

He sneaks on in last place due to the similarity between his name and the name of a fictional animal from the Star Trek universe. Live long and prosper, DeJuan.

9. Aqib Talib - CB

Rhyming holds a special place in my heart. As do q's that are not followed by u's. This guy should have been an Ismail brother as his name seems to be a combination of the other Ismails. If you recall, the Ismail family produced receivers Raghib "Rocket" Ismail and Qadry "Missile" Ismail. This guy plays corner, however. So he would have to be named "Strategic Defense Initiative" Ismail.

8. Jeremy Ito - K

Too bad that this guy is a kicker and undeserving of an awesome nickname. If he played any other position, he would most certainly be called "The Judge". Any reviewable play where he clearly committed a penalty would be immediately challenged and overturned. And OJ Simpson would send him flowers every day.

7. Felix Jones - RB

"Me... and... Felix Jones / We got a thing goin' on." This young man sounds like a character straight out of a blaxploitation film.

Felix Jones and the sexy Leopard Brown in "The Black Wolfman"!

6. Pedro Sosa - OG

Chances this guy is Dominican: 3,000%

5. John David Booty - QB

Look, his name has the word "Booty" in it. Also, he has three names. It's a mandatory top 10 name. I will brook no argument. The possibilities are endless. Think about it:

"Booty calls the audible."
"Booty bootlegs out."
"Too much Booty in the pants."

Okay... So that last one is a Soundmaster T song. Whatever. It could happen.

4. Jermichael Finley - TE

Michael Finley heard that basketball players were doing really well in the NFL as tight ends, so he apparently decided to add three letters to the front of his name and take his chances in the NFL Draft. He may be a 35 year old swingman, but he has Al Davis written all over him.

3. Gosder Cherilus - OT

The top 3 guys all have the incredible fortune to be blessed with both awesome first names and awesome last names. Gosder? Sort of sounds like a Norse God. The Norse God of Pancakes. And Cherilus? Truly the Name Gods have smiled upon this one. Also, it reminds me of Michael Bluth's alias Cherith Cutestory, maritime lawyer. Arrested Development is awesome.

2. Early Doucet - WR

What a difference a letter can make. Drop the "y" and Earl Doucet doesn't even catch a whiff of this list. In fact, Earl Doucet probably doesn't even play football. Earl Doucet owns a diner. In Shreveport. But Early Doucet? That guy can ball.

P.S. He's actually an attorney in Michigan.

1. Limas Sweed - WR

Limas Sweed sounds like the name of a villain from a 1920s silent movie. The type of guy who would tie a fair maiden to the railroad tracks while he menacingly twirls his meticulously groomed handlebar mustache. He actually happens to be a 6'4, 219 lb. athlete who runs a 40 in the mid-4.4s. That's not going to stop me from sending him weekly packages containing mustache wax.


Jay Z said...

Fantastic. I love awesome athlete names. Great post.

zadecky said...

Agreed....that post certainly did not suck up a chubby.

Arrested Development R.I.P.

Ryan Smith said...

Splendid, Mike. Hilarious. I really hope Kentwan Balmer gets drafted by Baltimore.