Cheering for a loser...

As we approach another baseball season, I feel a certain optimistic gloom. You would think after 15 years of feeling the same thing every April 1st, I would learn to cope, but hope is a strange thing…and at the start of every MLB season the Pittsburgh Pirates are tied for first in the division.

This season is particularly depressing. The Pirates are on the verge of accomplishing something no one else in MLB history has ever done; they are about to embark on their 16th consecutive losing season (tying the Philadelphia Philles). Consider that for a second. In the last 15 years, even the Kansas City Royals (the MLB's other poster child for a losing franchise) managed a winning season.

The closest thing to a happy baseball memory I have had in the last 15 years was when the 1999 Pirates were actually in the division race in September (they had the lead at the break). That team finished 78-83, third in the division, despite having a payroll of $ 24 mil, and a "star" in Tony Womack.

After that season, there was hope. Then things fell apart. From the previous link, I give you: “First off, the Pirates must decide if Aramis Ramirez is ready to be the everyday third baseman next season. If they decide he is, case closed.” They decided he wasn’t. A series of inexplicable moves, and horrible drafts later, and we find the Pirates where they are now, starting from scratch again, hoping to rebuild the teams from the early 90’s.

Not since Francesco Cabrera broke my heart in 1992, have the Pirates tasted the post-season. The last championship was in 1979 (much to my satisfaction, given my fellow bloggers' allegiances, the win came against the Orioles, so at least I have that going for me). Gone are the days of Stargell, Bonds, Clemente, Van Slyke, and even Spanky Lavalier. Replaced with the fantastic mediocrity of Jason Bay, Adam Laroche, and Freddy Sanchez.

The worst part is, the fans are still coming to watch the games, as Pirate tickets are going like hot cakes. From Bob Smizik of the Pittsburgh Post Gazette, in Fans waging fight against way Nuttings do business:

“What will be remembered as a six-day perfect storm of Pirates ineptitude, on and off the field, began the first full week of this month. On June 5, clearly for financial reasons, the Pirates passed in the draft on switch-hitting catcher Matt Wieters, the best player available for them. The following Friday, Saturday and Sunday, they played amateurish baseball in losing three in a row to the New York Yankees, embarrassing themselves and the game on the sport’s grandest stage.

The organization and the players had come close to hitting rock bottom, and the reaction was predictable. Media outlets were deluged with e-mails, phone calls and letters from outraged and/or frustrated fans. Some outlets said they had never seen the likes of it.

But back home the following Tuesday, the Pirates, facing the last-place Texas Rangers, played to a crowd of 21,158, an increase of 34 percent over their previous largest Tuesday crowd this season. On Friday, 26,647 paying customers came out to watch the next-to-last-place Chicago White Sox. It was the second-best Friday crowd of the season. The next night, they played to their best Saturday crowd of the season, 36,610, which was a sellout. The next afternoon the attendance was 26,830, 11 percent higher than their previous Sunday best.

So much for outrage and frustration. It certainly gives credence to the belief of John Steigerwald, a KDKA sports anchor who long has called Pirates fans suckers for blindly supporting what has been a bad product for 15 seasons.

We can only imagine Bob Nutting, the team’s principal owner, rubbing his hands in glee as the turnstiles clicked furiously for his bad team and profits continued to pour in.”

Believe it or not, the Pirates were rated the third most profitable franchise according to a Forbes study realeased in 2007 (based on 2006). Here was the Pirates response. The study stated that the Pirates operating income -- earnings before interest, debt and taxes -- was $25.3 million. No doubt, the product of having the third lowest payroll in baseball, and a brand new park to which fans flock.

It will be a sad day for me on April 30th, when the Pirates are 10 games out of first and mired in a 5 game losing streak, and hope once again is gone. But in the words of Barney Gumble, “Don’t cry for me …I am already dead…”, well at least until next April.

In Honor of March Madness...

I present to you, Animal Kingdom Madness. Many moons ago in the midst of an NCAA tournament of old, a man named Ryan A. and I were discussing what could be the elite eight of the animal world. This of course turned into a discussion of how awesome a 64-animal tournament would be. We brought in a few other great minds, most notably Chris I and Chris T, and proceeded to come up with 65 animals that would compete for the greatest prize of the animal kingdom. Before I present you with the final overall seedings and the bracket, here is an overview of the rules in no paticular order:

1. No exclusively water animals.
2. No flying animals.
3. Humans allowed, and for our purposes, take the human at his/her peak performance level.
4. Humans not given any tools/weapons. The point isn't to even the playing field, it's to find out who is the most badass of our world's natural creations.
5. All fights take place in an octagon. But whatabout the elephant you ask? Its a freaking huge octagon.
6. In fights where there is a venomnous animal, if the venomnous animal inflicts a wound but is then killed before the opponent is affected by the venom, we immediately step in with an anti-venom.
7. Similarly, each animal can receive medical attention between rounds, but they are not "good as new" at the beginning of each fight. So if the Elephant beats out the Lion, but not until it has chunks taken out of it, we can stop the bleeding and prevent it from dying, but he'll be feeling the hurt in the following rounds of battle. While you may think it possible for both animals to sustain fatal wounds, keep in mind we have a medical staff made up of the most well respected vetrinary people out there, so we are confident no deaths will occur between rounds.
8. Pack animals are not allowed to fight in packs. This is exclusively a one-on-one tournament.
   

Below you will find the overall rankings and the bracket (with my hypothetical picks). A few notes:

• The 4 of us (RA, CI, CT, myself) ranked each of the 65 competitors and then took the average rankings as the overall rankings.
• Molly is CI's 5' nothing, ~100 lb, significant other. She wanted her shot at kicking some animal ass on account of her hatred for the Cheetah vs. Ray Lewis in an octagon debate that CI started long ago. At one point this was the only thing that CI was capable of talking about at a family wedding reception and is the focal point of the first tattoo I would get if I had a job where it was acceptable to have neck tattoos (Ray on one side, octagon in the middle, cheetah on the other side). Unfortunately I think Molly has an early exit coming as she drew the Polar Bear in round one, a really physical opponent with a lot of size and a pretty good half-court attack as well as a great overall defense. Just a really well-rounded competitor.
• The Super Lion is basically just a bigger/faster/stronger lion than you are used to thinking about.
• The Kodiak Bear is simply a Grizzly Bear from Kodiak Island notorious for being the most badass Grizzly Bear.
• The Black Mamba is the snake, not Kobe Bryant.

The Rankings:
1 Rhinoceros
2 Super Lion
3 Elephant
4 Bengal Tiger
5 Hippo
6 Polar Bear
7 Kodiak Bear
8 Jaguar
9 Leopard
10 Gorilla
11 Crocodile
12 Cougar
13 Black Bear
14 Cheetah
15 Bruce Lee
16 Black Mamba
17 Alligator
18 Anaconda
19 Bull
20 Moose
21 Mike Tyson
22 Andre the Giant
23 Panda Bear
24 King Cobra
25 Chuck Liddell
26 Pit Bull
27 Wolf
28 Bison
29 Hyena
30 Ray Lewis
31 Doberman
32 Baboon
33 Rattle Snake
34 Orangutan
35 Wolverine
36 Elk
37 German Shepherd
38 Coyote
39 English Mastiff
40 Lynx
41 Ox
42 Badger
43 Komodo Dragon
44 Clydesdale
45 Jackal
46 Warthog
47 Kangaroo
48 Yak
49 Wildebeest
50 Tasmanian Devil
51 Fox
52 Walrus
53 Ostrich
54 Scorpion
55 Gila Monster
56 Deer
57 Porcupine
58 Raccoon
59 Molly
60 Black Widow
61 Cock
62 Tortoise
63 Armadillo
64 Penguin
65 Iguana

The Bracket I tried putting this in here but it wasn't really readable. This flickr version isn't much better but its at least readable.

I feel obliged to defend my Wolverine over Elephant pick. First of all, I think the wolverine is a wildly underappreciated competitor with a will to win like no other. And while he lacks the size, his quickness and ability to create offense out of nothing is overlooked to the detriment of his competitors. He also just feels like he's everywhere on defense sometimes, literally running circles around opponents. Also, watch him in action below. NASTY! Plus, I'm not gonna win unless I pick the upsets so thats my big upset pick. If anyone wants a clean copy of the bracket to fill out email me at benDOTverleyATgmailDOTcom and I will send one over to you. I would love to see what others think would happen.

There are a lot of animal fighting videos on youtube (some obviously better than others); at one point I went through and copied down links to some of the cooler ones. These are not necessarily accurate depictions of what would happen in our tournament since in the wild, these animals can simply decide not to fight whereas in our tournament, they will be prodded into becoming as aggressive as possible. However, they should at least give you an idea of how some of these competitors would do in our octagon. At the very least you will probably want to see animals fighting in octagons more than you did before you clicked on the links. I recommend at least checking out the last two.

Grizzly vs. Grizzly
Black Bear vs. Cougar
Cougar vs. Lynx
Lion vs. Snake
Tiger vs. Croc
Lions vs. Elephant
Tiger vs. Leopard and Leopard vs. Python
Polar Bear vs. Walrus

Badger vs. Fox

Wolverine vs. Wolf
Awesome: Lion vs. Black Bear
Hilarious: Ape vs. Cat

Coming soon: Tough Guy Madness (similar to Animal Kingdom Madness, developed by myself, Tim E, Wilson, Legower, and Jay)

A Few Words on Brett Favre, Tecmo Bo, and a Colossal Squid

I was never a huge Brett Favre fan.

I’ll readily acknowledge that he was a great NFL quarterback—one of the best. And I’ve long-admired the guy for his toughness, and for the way he seemed to elevate his play during times of intense mental anguish and physical pain. And, in a somewhat non-sexual way, I’ve always enjoyed his impossibly grizzled features:

Look at that face. Sweet Jesus, you could light a match on that stubble. And that chin, my God, you could clear brush with that thing. It’s like Michelangelo himself carved it out of, I don’t know, a bigger chin or something.

Oh, man. Whew! Where was I? Oh, right. Football. Anyway, I also took immense pleasure in the way that Favre announced his retirement: on Chris Mortensen’s voicemail.

“Mort! It’s Brett! Where the hell are ya, man??? Bubba’s here, D-Drive just showed up, and Frogger got here at, like, noon. They got dollar MGDs, and Bubba’s playin’ that video poker game where the chick gets naked. Oh, and I’m retiring. Get your ass down here, man! Peace!”

But aside from admiring Favre for his ability to sling a football with finger-breaking velocity, and aside from my aforementioned totally non-sexual, one-dude-to-another appreciation for his rugged good looks, I never really fell head-over-heels in love with the guy like so many other football fans did over the years. Maybe it’s because I made the mistake of drafting him in multiple fantasy leagues in 2005 and 2006, which seemed to coincide with Favre evidently telling himself, Fuck all this touchdown throwin’, it’s time for some interceptions!* Or maybe it’s because, through no fault of his own, Favre became the media’s darling, and I simply grew tired of hearing about how great he was during every Packer telecast, even if the team was losing and he had just thrown his fourth interception.

Still, he was pretty darn good at football. And now that he’s retired, his place among the all-time greats will be debated on bar stools and across the airwaves for, well, all time. However, there’s no debating his place in the pantheon of video game quarterbacks. Brett Favre was, without question, the greatest quarterback in Tecmo Bowl history.

And I’m talking about all Tecmo platforms here. But before you cyber-punch me in the comments section, please know that I’m aware of the fact that Favre was not in the original Tecmo Bowl. He was, however, in Tecmo Super Bowl for the Super Nintendo—my Tecmo of choice—and it was there that he achieved 32-bit immortality.

I've played countless TSB seasons with the Packers over the years, resulting in two misshapen thumbs and a trunkload of memories. Here are a few of my passing records, all courtesy of Brett Favre. (Yes, I wrote my records down. And yes, I kept them. Of course I did. If you held a gun to my head right now and asked me where my wedding photos are, I’d be a dead man. But my Tecmo records are right where I always keep them, in the drawer by my bed):


1,036 passing yards. In a game, son. (5 minute quarters)
12 passing TDs, game

10,335 passing yards, season
96 passing TDs, season


God damn, those are some beautiful stats. Really, they’re so fantastically gorgeous, so wildly impressive, so utterly radiant, that they’ve moved me to take this rant one step further. I may have to dodge a few lightning bolts as I type this, but here goes: Brett Favre was the greatest player in Tecmo history. Not just the greatest quarterback. The greatest player. Tecmo Brett Favre was better than Tecmo Bo Jackson. Yep, I said it. Go back and read it again. Hell, read it three times. Tecmo Brett Favre was better than Tecmo Bo Jackson. Did I just blow your mind? I think I did.

Look, Tecmo Bo was amazing. He could go from end zone to end zone and break every tackle and score at will and beat Contra without using the 30-man code and swim the English Channel with an anchor around his neck and play the solo to Free Bird with just his left testicle and a broken ukulele. But, at some point, Tecmo Bo the phenomenon superseded Tecmo Bo the player**. Tecmo Bo became a celebrity. He started popping up all over YouTube (most notably in this admittedly amazing clip). He even showed up in a Simmons column or two, the Us Weekly of the sports world. Suddenly, it seemed like everyone had a Tecmo Bo story—and they all sounded the same. All anyone wanted to talk about was how many tacklers Bo could avoid, instead of how many touchdowns he could score. Tecmo Bo became a caricature, known more for his antics than his production. Bo had Jumped the Shark, or Climbed Awkwardly Over the Dolphin, or Leapt Mightily Above the Outstretched Tentacles of the Colossal Squid, or whatever the kids are saying these days to describe something that’s been distorted by unattainable hype.

Tecmo Favre, meanwhile, was quietly putting up F-You stats to the tune of 600+ yards and 6 TDs per game. And isn’t that why we play video sports games? To accumulate ridiculous, otherworldly stat totals?

Now, I realize that the original Tecmo Bowl did not keep track of player stats. And I realize that, in addition to his ability to dance around tacklers, Tecmo Bo could certainly put up some illmatic numbers. And some of you may be reading this and saying, “This is ludicrous! You can’t compare a quarterback’s stats with a running back’s stats!”

Well, in Tecmo you can. The Standard Tecmo Stat Accumulation Guidelines go like this:

Pick a team. Pick a player on said team. Devote the entire season to accumulatin’ the hell out of some stats with said player on said team.

Balanced team scoring is not the goal, unless you're aiming for the Jon Thompson Trifecta: leading the league in passing yards, rushing yards, and receiving yards. But I don’t “spread the ball around” in Tecmo. I don’t “get everyone involved.” When I start a new season, I pick a player and I ride him all the way to Stats Town. And it doesn't matter if that player is a quarterback, a running back, or a wideout. A Tecmo player’s capacity for statistical output is not restricted by the real-life limitations of his position. Anyone can put up F-You stats. I’ve accumulated 800+ yards in a game with an RB (Thurman Thomas). I’ve scored double-digit touchdowns with an RB, too (yep, Bo). But there’s only one player in my long and storied Tecmo career who has ever put up 1,000+ yards and a dozen TDs in a game. And only one player who has ever amassed 10,000+ yards in a season. And only one player who, based solely on those virtuoso Tecmo performances, made me question my singular devotion to Darrell Green, my favorite real-life football player. I’m not talking about the Thurmanator. And I’m not talking about Bo. I’m not even talking about QB Chiefs .

Maybe I’m a Brett Favre fan, after all.



* To be fair, Favre is only partly to blame for my fantasy league losses. They were, after all, the Aaron Brooks Years.

** The same thing, of course, happened with the real Bo Jackson. Although the devastating hip injury certainly didn’t help things.

(Foot)Ballroom Blitz, or Celebrity (Pig)Skin

As the first wave of NFL free agency comes to a close, it is time to look back and reflect in the only way I know how. Since I just played the Endless Setlist on Saturday with a fellow blogger and a friend of the blog, I have nothing but Rock Band on the brain. As such, I give to you the headlines and highlights of the first few days of free agency as told through the soundtrack of EA's Rock Band.

First in my heart and mind, as always, is the Philadelphia Eagles.

Philadelphia Eagles - Signed cornerback Asante Samuel to a six-year contract
Enter Sandman by Metallica

Hush, Lito baby, don't say a word. And never mind that noise you heard. It's just big, bad Asante Samuel coming to take your job and all of your monies.

Buffalo Bills - Acquired defensive tackle Marcus Stroud from the Jacksonville Jaguars for undisclosed draft picks.
Black Hole Sun by Soundgarden

And the monstrous defensive tackle from Jacksonville gets associated with the only song in the game to reference a super massive astronomical phenomenon that nothing can go anywhere near and remain intact. He's a black hole, son. Now we only hope for Wilson's sake that you can wash away the rain up in Buffalo.


Chicago Bears - Resign Lance Briggs
Run to the Hills by Iron Maiden

"Enslaving the young," Check (Franchise tag anyone?). "Destroying the old," Check (poor Muhsin Muhammad). Unfortunately for Sir Briggs-a-lot (get it? Lance? Lance Briggs? Hilarious!), he was forced to run to the hills and back to his old franchise after the Bears quite literally "chas[ed] the Redskins back to their holes / Fighting them at their own game."

Green Bay Packers - Announced the retirement of Brett Favre
Epic by Faith No More

No comedy here. We will never see another football player to rival this man.

Atlanta Falcons - Released Warrick Dunn
When You Were Young by The Killers

It's true. He doesn't look a thing like Jesus.
Pittsburgh Steelers - Signed Ben Roethlisberger to an 8-year contract extension
Highway Star by Deep Purple

Sorry, Ben (both of you)... I had to do it...

New England Patriots - Resigned Randy Moss to a 3-year contract
Should I Stay or Should I Go by The Clash

This after word came out that the Eagles made a run at the most electrifying receiver of the last decade, only to be rebuffed. Randy instead decided to take a pay cut in order to continue setting the league on fire with his pretty boy quarterback. Eh, who can blame him. Who doesn't want to kiss Tom Brady on the mouth?

Oakland Raiders - Signed Javon Walker to a 6-year contract
Flirtin' with Disaster by Molly Hatchet

This is actually Al Davis' theme song, but my inclusion of it was really just a flimsy pretense to throw this album cover up on the blogaroo... There's a freaking marauding Viking on the cover! How awesome is that? No need to answer. The look in your eyes says it all. By the way, in about 3 months, that axe he is holding is going to be firmly planted into Javon's anterior cruciate ligament.

Alright, there are plenty more that I could do, but this post has already taken far, far too long to write. Just ask Wilson. Feel free to make additions in the comments, because I could seriously do this all day. And I did. That day was yesterday. Here is the list of songs. Go crazy, I implore you.

Oriole Magic

This sucks. However, I’m not too surprised to learn that the Orioles undercut—and, in the process, pissed off—their top performer. I mean, sports is a business, right? Superior performance at minimal cost is a no-brainer, right? And if, say, Goldman Sachs* could underpay their top-performing investment banker while locking him (her?) in to a year-long contract, they’d do it in a heartbeat, right? Um, yeah, except if Goldman pulled that stunt with their top banker, (s)he’d raise both middle fingers in the air and gesture toward the phone and say: “I have Steve Cohen on line 1, and John Paulson on line 2. Either you pay me what I’m worth, or I’ll pick up one of these two phone lines and talk to someone who will.” Fuck You. Pay me.

And mark my words -- that’s exactly what will happen here: Markakis, the most-productive Oriole of the past few years, will remember this when it comes time to negotiate a new contract. When this contract expires, he’ll remember that Baltimore underpaid him. And he’ll have leverage. And some other team out there will arbitrage the shit out of this self-imposed market inefficiency, and the Orioles will lose a future All-Star. And, selfishly, my dream of a Nick Markakis/Adam Jones outfield will die a premature death. And the Orioles will continue to suck. And I’ll ask myself, again and again, Why do I still cheer for this team?



*This is not to say that the Orioles are the Goldman Sachs of MLB. Quite the contrary. The Orioles are more like Drexel Burnham—a once-proud group of people who, through their own greed and stupidity, managed to ruin what was once a good and profitable thing.

2007 NFL Draft Preview Redux

(Thanks to Rob for digging this out)


The combine is over and individual workouts are in full-swing. I have yet to receive a job offer from the Browns, Skins, or even ESPN (Merrill Hoge is yelling at me again). A look back at my 2007 draft preview might do the trick. Some hits, some misses, some TBD. Enjoy!

If the flowers are out, the NBA playoffs are down to the best 28 teams, and there's an outdoor drinking advisory in the forecast, it can only mean one thing... it's NFL draft season!

On its face this years draft class seems pretty underwhelming. Further inspection shows that it's not a horrible draft, but looks to be very top-heavy. The usual list of suspects make up the top 10 picks; Lions, and Cardinals, and Browns (oh my!). There also looks to be some cusp teams that with a good draft could really do some damage this coming season. Let's take a look at the best 2007 has to offer:


Top Offensive Players

1) Cal Johnson: a no brainer (Kiperism #1). He's long (#2), has separation speed (#3), is a work-out warrior (#4), and his tears cure cancer. NFL scouts talk about him the way Eastern Europeans talk about blue jeans. (Speaking of which, at what point does a top prospect get a restraining order against Jon Gruden? Every year roughly the same story comes out: Senior Bowl, physical specimen, Gruden gushing. Cadillac Williams hasn't yet recovered). Look at the Cal's college numbers: 1,200 yards and 15 TDs last year, now realize his college QB was Reggie Ball. If you don't follow college football, and therefore don't know how bad Reggie Ball was, just think about how many good QBs historically were named Reggie, and then realize this Reggie was bad even when compared to other QBs named Reggie (I am going to destroy my Reggie over/under this year). The ironic thing is, of course, that the Lions would be fools to pass or trade a player of this ability, even with 26 wide receivers on their roster. But, Matt Millen's involved, so that's, of course, what will happen. It seems likely that the Bucs will move from #4 to #2 and Cal and Caddy can share their "what creeps them out most about Gruden" stories. Oh, they can also share their rookie of the year trophies.


(I'm mad at myself for not making a "So Calvin, you own McDonald's" joke. Seriously, I'm furious.)

2) Joe Thomas: boring pick? Yes. Ridiculously good. Oh yeah. Joe Thomas and Calvin are probably the only two guys in this year's draft that would've been in the top 10 of last year's draft. Two months ago the Cardinals needed everything to play out perfectly for them to get him at pick 5. Well, that now appears a virtual certainty. This pick should immediately make the Cardinals a top 5 offense, and ridiculously good offensively for a ridiculously long time. He also ensures someone in your fantasy football league will take Matt Leinart in round 3. As I said last year with D'Brick, I firmly believe that a franchise left tackle is the cornerstone to a great team. For some reason, the best left tackles are rarely on bad teams. I don't think that's happenstance. I think the Browns would be wise to take him third, even though their offensive line is more cursed than Mark Prior's elbow (or Griffey Jr.'s, um, everything). "Joe Thomas" just seems like a Browns' legend.

3) Adrian Peterson (can someone give this guy a cool nickname already?): ESPN.com recently ran a story that AP could've gone straight to the NFL from high school. For those that saw the U.S. Army All-American Bowl his senior year, you knew this already. He can go the distance on any play. He can run well between the tackles. He can carry an offensive when healthy. This is Peterson's problem. His collarbone is more fragile than Fred Taylor's groin (or Charlie Weiss' chair). This basically is the Cadillac Williams conundrum. Can he play a full-season? When he does, he'll be a star and his team will flourish. When he's hurt, his team will limp to a 5 and 11 season. The best case for AP would be to go to a team with a pretty-good back already in tow. Cleveland with Jamal "Halfway House" Lewis and Houston with Ahman "ruiner of my 2005 fantasy team" Green look like possible destinations. I think both teams could find a way to get this guy the ball, ala Reggie Bush and the Saints, and either would dramatically improve with him on their team. For Houston getting him at 10 would be a coup, and may save some front-office jobs in the wake of the Lamborghini Williams pick. My advice to a team drafting Peterson would be to not put all your eggs in his basket (See the 2007 49ers and Gore, Frank). By the way "ala _________ (player's name)" is Kiperism #5.

4) Too early for Ben Grubbs? Nope. Ben Grubbs: not a household name, unless your household regularly discusses the emergence of offensive guards as a previously undervalued NFL position, in which case, can you adopt me? In my opinion, Ben Grubbs is a guaranteed probowler. Guaranteed probowlers at guard are now worth (at least) $50M for seven years of service (I say at least because Leonard Davis just got this amount and has never sniffed Hawaii). An end of first round pick (where Grubbs is projected to go) typically gets 5 year deal worth about $7M total. Can you say: arbitrage? I should also mention that I've waited roughly twenty years to apply a Teddy Ruxpin themed nickname, and for Ben "Grubby" fits almost too well.


5) Dwayne Jarrett/JaMarcus Russell: I think these guys have gotten unfair treatment from NFL scouts, to JaMarcus' benefit and Dwayne's detriment. Look, I like JaMarcus. Dude's got huge hands (I'm told by everyone). A really cool name (America needs to start adding "Ja" to more names; we're at war people!). He can throw the ball 12 furlongs with his arms cut off. And his poop is considered currency in Argentina. I guess I've been fooled before by guys like JaMarcus. Byron Leftwich is the most obvious comparison, but there have been several physically gifted top picks whose gifts didn't translate to NFL production. But, I like JaMarcus. If I had a top 10 pick and was dead set on a QB, he'd be my guy (since Brian Brohm didn't come out). He was ridiculous in the Sugar Bowl against Notre Dame, but like Dice K's debut against the Royals, let's not put the guy in the Hall of Fame just yet. Dwayne Jarrett has had a much different scouting experience. Scouts look at him and see Mike Williams. They ignore the fact he averaged 70 catches and 14 TDs over his three years at SC. They ignore the fact he went against Leon Hall (supposedly the top CB in the draft) during the Rose Bowl and came away with 203 yards and 2 TDs. Look, the Mike Williams connection isn't a huge stretch, but for Williams it seems to be more of an attitude thing than anything else. If Dwayne falls to the end of the first round to the Chargers or Colts, we might as well pretend it's the NBA draft where the top teams watch bad teams pass over proven players until Dallas takes Josh Howard at pick 29, the Pistons take Tayshaun at pick 23, or Carlos Boozer sticks around till pick 35. So instead of comparing Dwayne Jarrett to Mike Williams, I'm comparing him to Josh Howard. In my mind they're now the same person.

Top Defensive Players



1) LaRon Landry: guys on LSU just have cool names (none cooler than Rohan "Baby Fat" Davey). To describe every impact safety it's mandatory you use the following words: rangy, versatile, ballhawking, and tackler. In fact, if you drink every time Kiper says "ballhawk" on Saturday, you'll be hammered by pick 25. LaRon is just an impact player. He's more in the Ed Reed mold, than the Sean Taylor mold. Although I imagine if he ends up a Redskin, there's an Eastern Motors commercial in his future. LaRon should end up at pick 6 (Skins), 7 (Vikes), or 8 (Falcons). While I love the guy, the Skins selection would be odd, given the aforementioned ATV Taylor. I guess this falls under the "best player available" mentality. I have trouble faulting that strategy, and honestly, I don't know why having two great safeties wouldn't work? I think he ends up a Falcon for some reason, giving them a very solid and young secondary.

2) Amobi Okoye: what you know: the dude is young (born in 1987!). There's a chance he's never even heard of Tecmo Bo Jackson, big league chew, 1986 Topps, or Oregon Trail. He will be a 20 year old NFL rookie with four years of major college football. Besides being young, you know he's an honest kid. Why? Unlike all but two top picks, he actually admitted to smoking the chron. What you may not know: knowing nothing about football his High School coach suggested he go play Madden to learn the game. I bet he loves QB Waggle. He's a bit of a roll of the dice, and I'm a bit confused on how he more than leaped Alan Branch, but Amobi appears to be a wunderkund and a great kid. I just can't see him not succeeding. He seems almost too good to be true, almost like Dwight Howard. Whether he succeeds or not, he's at least the second best Nigerian Okoye to play in the league, and if he's wearing maroon and gold on draft day, I'll finally be able to retire my LaVar jersey.

3) Jarvis Moss: screams classic, overlooked 'tweener'. By the way, we need to start using tweener in everyday speech. Like when you're at that level of good drunk where you shouldn't talk to girls and you know it, but you really don't care because you're too drunk? That's tweener drunk. I've said before that I usually do not like drafting DEs early in the first, just too much variability between the pros and college, however I do not hold tweeners in the same regard. There are too many great NFLers whose positions were questioned at draft time, from LT to Roids Merriman, so I do not view versatility as a bad thing. The guy is nearly 6'7" and officially 251 pounds, although I'm not sure if that was before or after he ate Troy Smith in the championship game? I've seen him falling to the early second round on some mock drafts. To me this is crazy. Regardless, even in the late teens I think this is a possible steal.


4) Patrick Willis: it's safe to say if his name was Willis Patrick he'd be in jail, but he's not so instead he's this year's DeMeco Ryans. A bit undersized, but athletic, instinctive, and ridiculously productive; as in 137 tackles including 12 for a loss his senior year. I see him as a perfect London Fletcher replacement in Buffalo, you know, assuming they don't reach on Marshawn "Thug Cart" Lynch.

5) Gaines Adams/Brandon Meriweather: upon reflection this may be the best "name" draft since the vaunted Quentin Coryatt, Leon Searcy, Eugene Chung all-name draft of '92. So far we've had a LaRon and JaMarcus (that's four capital letters in two first names), an Amobi, and a Gaines (with a Levi on the way). Gaines Adams will probably be great. He'll probably make several probowls and have a lot of sacks. I just see him as very one dimensional at this point. Sack artists tend to ignore the run, and also can get frustrated easily (much like sandwich artists). I think this is true of Gaines. I see him as a guy that has 14 sacks in eight games, and 2 in the other eight. At the end of the season, you'll probably be able to point back on two or three games he dominated, and that's more than can be said of most. As far as Brandon Meriweather, unlike Amobi Okoye, no one's saying good things and him (I'm almost mad he's not BranDon, screw it, he is now). Remember that Miami-Florida International Brawl with the one player stomping another player on the ground? Yeah, that was BranDon. Speaking of Ed Reed, the comparison can be made here too. He's fluid, ballhawking, and makes a lot of tackles from the safety spot (115 his junior year, 91 his senior year). Like it or not "the U" manufactures great pros with questionable attitudes, and BranDon's no exception. Both he and Gaines have no middle ground: they're either gonna be stars or they're gonna be out of the league in three years, I can't tell which.


Other Players:

Levi Brown: This is a tough year for me and Penn Staters. I want Levi to be great, I really do, but I'm not totally sold. The biggest warning sign to me was when Penn State runningback Austin Scott decided to redshirt last year because he thought the line would be better this coming year. While this obviously speaks to Austin's own insecurities, it doesn't say much about Levi. I guess I think Levi will be a good pro, but I've heard that Arizona would consider taking him over Joe Thomas, and to me that's crazy talk. I'm not totally convinced that Levi's fast enough to stay at left tackle in the pros, but I think he would be a great right tackle. Right tackles aren't top 10 picks, it's as simple as that.


Paul Posluszny: Looks and sounds like a linebacker. His junior year he was great. Then he tore his PCL and MCL in the Orange Bowl (PCL the ligament, not the minor league). His senior year his first six games were very average, then he starting playing like the old Paul. He had some trouble shedding blockers, but in the right system with good defensive tackles I think he'll be solid. The Patriots would be a great fit for him as he's probably the surest tackler in the draft.

Brady Quinn: His basement is Rick Mirer, his ceiling is a poor man's Carson Palmer. I'm less than impressed with him, but like it or not he's probably the second best QB in this draft. I really don't have anything else to say about him that hasn't been said. Except I was convinced for two years that he was the kid from Home Improvement, and frankly I'm still not sure that's not true. Shockingly, Wikipedia claims that the other, older kid from Home Improvement is his second cousin, which pretty much confirms he is the Home Improvement kid.


Ted Ginn: If Ted Ginn stayed at cornerback he'd be a top 5 pick. I remember him in the same H.S. All American as Peterson and thinking "this kid could be a faster version of Champ Bailey". Unfortunately for him Ohio State needed receivers and Ginn was a logical fit. I really hope Ginn is a good pro cause I like him, I like his Earl Woods father, and it's a shame when a kid gets put in the wrong position to fill his college team's need. He'll be dangerous on special teams and his ceiling is Steve Smith (plus a couple inches), unfortunately his basement isn't finished, it's used to store a broken ping pong table and bags of clothes, in other words, it's Rocket Ismail.


Jamaal Anderson: the dude looks like Calvin Booth, and guys with only one year of production at DE scare me. Screams bust.


Marshawn Lynch: JJ Arrington on line one. But this might be my favorite play of last year: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqMsT_2teus



Reggie Nelson: have you seen this guy? He's a dead ringer for Whoopi. He also was a JUCO transfer and apparently struggled academically at Florida. Can you say Wonderlic? Needless to say, I love this kid.

Joe Staley: 6'6", 4.8 forty, seems like a stud left tackle to me. I could see him creeping into the top 15 picks, and rightfully so. I think I'd rather have him than Levi at left tackle.


Anthony Gonzalez: Will be a deceptively productive pro. I'd compare him to a rich man's Mike Furrey... in a good way.

Dwayne Bowe: Really, really like him. Michael Clayton-like rookie year, but hopefully (for him) he keeps it going.

Greg Olsen: he won't even be the best professional athlete named Greg Olsen, alright it's Greg Olson, close enough.

Adam Carriker: Kiper and others love the guy, but all I see is a poor man's Grant Wistrom. Keep in mind that Grant Wistrom is coaching High School football in Kansas this year, I'm sorry, assistant coaching high school football, thereby making a poor man's Grant Wistrom actually a poor man.

Anyway, that's all for 2007. Let's hope the Redskins don't trade away their next six first rounders for Michael Strahan. Let's also hope the Browns don't subject the good people of Cleveland to the Brady Quinn era. I've said it before, former Abercrombie models have no place near Lake Erie. Let the success of Jim Thome, Bernie Kosar, and Craig Ehlo tell Browns management something...


Hail Victory!

An Atrocity

http://sports.espn.go.com/chat/sportsnation/rank?versionId=2&listId=82

Even though such luminaries as Namath, Tarkenton, MOON, Fouts, and Griese make appearances, one name is mysteriously and conspicuously missing from this extremely strange list of candidates.

I am literally ANGRY with rage over this.

Just wanted to chat, that's all

Let me preface this by saying, as others have before, that there is an awesome post directly below this, so don't miss Wilson's Apocalypse Album candidates. Nicely done Wilson.

Anyway. Be prepared, this is long. But that won't stop me from giving it a long introduction. Today, for work, I was trying to contact Ebay about their Marketplace Research tools. It's really, really hard. First, they want you to email them about your problem. They give you, like, 8 subject options, but none of them have to do with what I'm looking for, and there is no "other" or "miscellaneous" or anything. And you can't proceed without selecting one, then a subtopic, and so on. So then I called 3 different customer service numbers (that I had to find by googling, I couldn't find them on their website). All of them were just labyrinthine recordings, that initially try to redirect you to the applicable page on their website, and when you continue on, finally just disconnect you. Awesome. Thanks Ebay, that was helpful. So I figure I can surely speak to someone at investor relations. Sure enough, I'm having a nice conversation with Ellen, but she tells me she can't transfer me to anyone at Ebay. Only upon speaking with her supervisor do I find out that they're not even a part of Ebay, they're a contracted investor mail center. Strike 3. But am I out? Not hardly!!! For then I finally discover on their website the difficult to find Live Chat! which they are clearly excited about, what with the exclamation mark and all. So, below is the transcript, unabridged, of my Live Chat! session with Selina L., who, by the way, was an awesome sport. As a side note, I feel like Live Chat! should be pronounced in the same hushed but excited tone as "Jazz Hands!" That's just me. Here we go (sorry this is long):

You are successfully connected to eBay Live Help. Please hold for the next available Live Help Agent.
4:54:34 PM System
Selina L. has joined this session!
4:54:34 PM System
Connected with Selina L.
4:54:39 PM Selina L.
Hello, thank you for waiting and welcome to eBay Live Help! My name is Selina. If you are a registered member, may I please start by having you confirm your User ID and first name?
4:54:59 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
I'm not a registered member. My name is Jay.
4:55:09 PM Selina L.
Hi Jay ! How may I assist you today?
4:55:28 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
Well, I'm trying to find some information on the Marketplace Research tool.
4:56:17 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
I had some pretty general questions, but I spent the last hour or so trying to find a way to contact someone by phone.
4:56:26 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
I found out that was quite impossible.
4:56:48 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
Could you answer some questions re Marketplace Research?
4:57:40 PM Selina L.
Here in Live Help, we can only effectively address general support-type questions. To assist you better you could write to them at marketing@ebay.com
4:58:10 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
Is there really no possible way to speak with someone at ebay over the phone?
4:58:30 PM Selina L.
As of now eBay offers support by email and chat
4:58:39 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
That's amazing.
4:59:05 PM Selina L.
Once you've subscribed to the Marketplace Research program, you can access it through My eBay by following these steps: 1. Click "My eBay" at the top of most eBay pages. You may need to sign in. 2. Click the "Marketplace Research" link under the "My Subscriptions" heading on the left side of the page. (Don't confuse this with the "Subscriptions" link under "My Account.")

4:59:45 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
My whole point in trying to speak with someone is to ask questions about the tool before purchasing it.
5:00:55 PM Selina L.
For more information about Marketplace Research follow this link: http://pages.ebay.com/marketplace_research/
5:01:24 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
That isn't more information, that is the information I already have. I need more information than is provided. I have questions about it.
5:03:14 PM Selina L.
You can get when you click on email us link at email us at mpr@ebay.com.
5:03:27 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
There must be an office, where people work on/with the Marketplace Research tool. They must have phones. I don't need a toll free number, it could be a long distance number, that is not a problem.
5:03:53 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
No, I've tried that, but the subjects are very specific, and not about what I'm looking for.
5:04:45 PM Selina L.
I am sorry, I have tried to provide all the information that was available at my end.
5:05:46 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
If I send an email to mpr@ebay.com, what department is that? Can I do it directly from my email account, or do I need to do it from the website?
5:06:12 PM Selina L.
You can do it from your email address
5:06:19 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
You also mentioned marketing@ebay.com, would that be more appropriate?
5:07:03 PM Selina L.
mpr is for market place research. You can also send it to marketing @ ebay.com
5:07:45 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
Ahh, thanks. It is pretty unbelievable that there is no customer service phone line, don't you think?
5:08:05 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
How long will a response take do you think, from mpr@ebay.com?
5:08:58 PM Selina L.
It should not take long as it is a separate section.
5:09:38 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
Do you get a lot of frustrated people trying to contact ebay by phone?
5:09:44 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
Or am I the only one?
5:10:27 PM Selina L.
eBay may work on it as chat is introduced just one year ago.
5:10:54 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
Did they have phones before the chat?
5:11:15 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
Smoke signals? Morse code?
5:11:28 PM Selina L.
Earlier we only had emails.
5:11:40 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
Seriously???
5:11:57 PM Selina L.
Yes
5:12:11 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
You don't even have a phone, just a computer monitor at your desk?
5:12:33 PM Selina L.
Yes, that's right.
5:13:05 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
What happens when two departments need to contact each other?
5:13:11 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
Chat as well?
5:13:22 PM Selina L.
We interact through emails
5:13:32 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
That must be a quiet office.
5:13:51 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
Do you ever have a cricket in the building, and it just drives you nuts?
5:14:02 PM Selina L.
Yes, it's very quiet. We do listen to music some times.
5:14:40 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
Can you speak aloud?
5:14:58 PM Selina L.
Yes
5:15:31 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
Are you allowed to bring a cell phone in the building?
5:15:43 PM Selina L.
Not at all
5:15:54 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
WOW!
5:16:17 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
So it's phones in general. The ebay corporation just hates phones.
5:16:38 PM Selina L.
:-)
5:17:25 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
Do you ever get startled by the sound of a phone ringing when you're not at work?
5:17:46 PM Selina L.
Sometimes
5:17:51 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
That would be the most surreal experience I could imagine, not having phones in an entire office
5:18:07 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
How high up the corporate ladder does the "no phone" policy go?
5:18:15 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
I mean, CEO's gotta have a phone, right?
5:18:22 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
Probably a blackberry at least.
5:18:43 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
If he visits, can he bring his blackberry into the chat room/office, where they're not allowed?
5:18:50 PM Selina L.
I haven't seen any one carrying it with them. Must be in the locker room
5:18:54 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
he or she I should say
5:18:58 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
I don't know who it is.
5:19:29 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
What happens if you forget and bring your phone inside and it rings?
5:20:10 PM Selina L.
We are not allowed to carry it. There are security checks.
5:20:47 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
What about walkie-talkies. Well, two way radios. We called them walkie-talkies when I was a kid
5:20:54 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
But that term does sound silly now
5:21:02 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
Can you carry them? Does security carry them?
5:21:15 PM Selina L.
Security carries it
5:21:55 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
Is your ebay office the only office in the building, or are there other companies on other floors as well?
5:22:03 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
And if so, can they bring phones in?
5:22:45 PM Selina L.
I would not have information on other office policies. As of our office, it's not allowed
5:23:12 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
Were you surprised when you took the job and they told you that?
5:23:19 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
No phones.
5:23:29 PM Selina L.
Yes, a little surprised
5:23:42 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
Do you ever play the Cake song "No Phone" in the office, and everybody laughs? Quietly, of course.
5:24:10 PM Selina L.
Sometimes
5:24:47 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
You think ebay execs are secretly furious that people sell phones over their website?
5:24:56 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
Or maybe even openly furious???
5:25:46 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
Oooh, and if you have like a corporate party, like a christmas party or a happy hour, or some event, company picnic, whatever, and it's not at your office, are you guys allowed to have phones there?
5:26:35 PM Selina L.
It's not allowed because we want to ensure that there is total confidentiality when dealing with members. We deal with member's accounts and would not want to take the risk of other members listening to passwords and other confidential information.
5:26:50 PM Selina L.
This is totally in the interest of safety to members accounts.
5:27:31 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
Oooh. I kind of understand that. But credit card companies have phone banks. That's pretty sensitive info.
5:27:45 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
Social Security has phone representatives.
5:27:52 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
Banks do.
5:28:18 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
Do people need better protection for their ebay account than their credit and bank accounts?
5:28:43 PM Selina L.
We do not want any members accounts to be hacked because of leakage of information from our end as it may cause loss to both members as well as the company.
5:28:58 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
You seem pretty trustworthy, Selina, you wouldn't hack an account would you?
5:29:27 PM Selina L.
We do not have access to member's account. We only have limited access
5:29:34 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
Besides, I don't have an account, so I have no problem with you speaking aloud about any of my information.
5:29:45 PM Selina L.
We know what an account means to a member
5:30:12 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
I'm still not really following how having phones in the office might crack account security.
5:30:40 PM Selina L.
You may overhear someone else's communication
5:31:25 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
But you only have limited info, you just said that.
5:32:07 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
Oh, you mean "I" may, not "you" like one of the other chatters
5:32:10 PM Selina L.
Yes, but no body can hear it. Only I can see my member's information
5:32:58 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
I still don't know why ebay accounts would be better protected than credit card and bank accounts.
5:33:03 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
They use phones.
5:33:08 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
BIG TIME!
5:33:15 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
It’s actually really convenient.
5:34:00 PM Selina L.
We find chat to be more convenient
5:34:10 PM Selina L.
We do value your feedback
5:34:25 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
But you're shutting me up aren't you?
5:34:29 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
Awwwww.
5:34:45 PM Selina L.
Not at all. To provide suggestions or feedbacks regarding a new feature we've introduced, send an email to sneakpeek@ebay.com.
5:35:18 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
Is chat considered a new feature? It's not that I mind chat, it's just that it's nowhere near as helpful.
5:35:40 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
What if I want to provide feedback regarding a feature that doesn't exist?
5:35:50 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
Like speaking to a human on the telephone.
5:35:55 PM Selina L.
Feedback from members will help them to incorporate new ideas
5:36:09 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
Whoa....That just got me thinking...You're a human, right? Not just a chatting machine?
5:36:45 PM Selina L.
Yes, that's right. I am a human
5:38:13 PM Selina L.
It’s been a pleasure chatting with you today. Thank you for coming to eBay Live Help ! Have a great week ahead !!
5:39:33 PM zalmanj@howrey.com
PEACE!!!

Frankly, I had quite a bit more to say. And honestly, I really don't know whether to believe her or not. What do you guys think, was she being just as sarcastic as me? At first I thought she was, but then she kept going, and into detail. I think I don't believe her about the cell phones, and of course there are phones in some of the offices, maybe even at her desk/cube. But she did explain the security reasoning for not USING phones quite well, so maybe it's legit. I should spread the online rumor, and then just let Snopes take care of it.

Anyway, what started out as an unbelievable pain in the ass ended up as funny blog post. See what you can do when you keep an open mind and look on the bright side of things? Oh, wait, I still don't have the information I need to provide my boss. The unbelievable pain in the ass never left, I just delayed it. Damn. So, yeah, I hate Ebay now. Cheers.

If someone asks about REM, I will end this Earth.

Since very few people are posting lately, a situation which I am sure is temporary, I've decided to have a little fun and post something a bit self-indulgent. I thought it would be neat to post a track-list comprised entirely of songs about the end of the world. This is going to be long, but no one has written more than a few words on this blog this whole month, so you can just continue to not read it if it's too long.

Pansy bands write songs about their girlfriends, or alternatively, about nonsense that no one understands. Awesome bands write songs about the apocalypse. Without further ado, here are some songs to listen to as the Earth swallows you and our race is extinguished. . .


1. Black Sabbath's Black Sabbath from the album Black Sabbath (Jay's favorite trifecta; same song-album-band names): This song is actually terrifying. Ozzy's screams, the rain, the pounding drums. It was kind of a messed up way for Black Sabbath to open their career, and it's a messed up opening track for any album. It belongs on this list, and in your nightmares.

Key Lyrics:

"Is it the end, my friend?
Satan's come around the bend,
People running 'cause they're scared
You people better go and beware
No! No! Please! No!"

Even this album cover scares the pants off me.

2. Painkiller by Judas Priest: I have linked to the Beavis and Butthead version of this video beacuse Beavis' Rob Halford impression is pure gold. That said, this song is completely badass, and 6 minutes long in reality. One of the best songs for headbanging ever. Technically, it's actually about some sort of metal monster which saves the world from Armageddon, but I can't believe you would actually give a damn.

Key Lyrics:

"Planets devastated
Mankind's on its knees
A saviour comes from out the skies
In answer to their pleas"

Wow. Awesome.


3. Beast and the Harlot by Avenged Sevenfold: This song is about traditional Biblical end of the world. The lyrics are pretty sweet, and the guitar is amazing--as anyone who has played Guitar Hero 2 is aware. Insanely, it's a bit upbeat and happy sounding for a song that is unabashedly about everyone on the planet earth being killed by a vengeful Lord. The triumphant sounding chorus almost makes me think Avenged Sevenfold just thinks there's something great about being a "dwelling place for demons."

Key Lyrics:

"The city dressed in jewels and gold,
Fine linen, myrrh, and pearls.
Her plagues will come all at once
As her mourners watch her burn.
Destroyed in an hour.
Merchants and captains of the world,
Sailors, navigators too.
Will weep and mourn this loss
With her sins piled to the sky.
The Beast and the Harlot."

4. Love in an Elevator by Aerosmith. I think this song is about a man and a woman who are stuck in an elevator as the world ends around them, and find love before they are consumed by the fire.

Key Lyrics:

I kinda hope we get stuck
Nobody gets out alive
She said I'll show you how to fax
In the mailroom, honey
And have you home by five

What, you don't think I'm serious? Fine.


4. Fourth of July by Soundgarden: We're back to another song that I've always thought of as scary. It's so heavy and moody. It's slow, but it just builds so well and then you know that it's the freaking end of everything. I actually had a nightmare about this song once that was pretty vivid and sticks with me today.

Key Lyrics:

"Cause I heard it in the wind
And I saw it in the sky
And I thought it was the end
And I thought it was the 4th of July"

The lyrics actually aren't that explicit. I think that just speaks to the powerful mood of the song.


5. Freya by The Sword: The Sword, as their name would imply, is not very subtle. Their lyricist is just a huge fantasy nerd who obviously smokes a lot of pot while listening to Black Sabbath and reading George R. R. Martin (he actually cites Martin as an influence on his lyrics). That, of course, is probably the greatest mix known to man. If you need further evidence, please consult these lyrics.

Key Lyrics:

"A sword of fire and an axe of cold
vision of the Sibyl has foretold
armies gather on the battle-plain
all will fall and Earth will die in flame."

These guys are nerds. Awesome, awesome nerds.

6. Ænema by Tool. Technically, this isn't about the end of the world. Just the end of California. The theme is pretty apocalyptic though. Moreover, it's dark, heavy, and absolutely fantastic. The best song on an amazing album, and probably a top 3 song by one of the most brilliant bands since the aforementioned Aerosmith. The drums, oh god the drums. A key element in any song about the end of the world, they really work here. Maynard is just such a great vocalist for this theme too. If you don't think this song is great, you probably are a communist.

Key Lyrics:

"'Cause I'm praying for mayhem
And I'm praying for tidal waves
I wanna see the ground give way
I wanna watch it all go down
Mom please flush it all away
I wanna see it go right in and down
I wanna watch it go right in
Watch you flush it all away"

7. The Thing that Should Not Be by Metallica: This song is about the Great Lord Cthulhu so I could not forget it. It really has the heaviest riff I can think of in a Metallica song, which is appropriate. When that riff isn't blasting, it is creepy as hell. The part where Hetfield screams "Oh my god", right before the guitar solo is one of the better moments on this list. This song brings to mind exactly what it's meant to, our Great Lord awakening from his slumber to drive mankind to madness!

Key Lyrics:

"Crawling Chaos, underground
Cult has summoned, twisted sound
Out from ruins once possessed
Fallen city, living death"

This is just an artist's imagining of what Cthluhu might look like. A more accurate picture might drive you mad on the spot.

8. Five Years by David Bowie: Close out my album with something mellow but still powerful. It's the human side of the end of the world. Like all Bowie, the lyrics are great, and his voice is just so cool. The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust is a great album, and this is the unheralded best track, or at least second best. The theme of this song is sad--what would it be like if the world was ending in five years? I love this song, and there isn't anything more I can say about it.

Key Lyrics:

"Pushing through the market square
So many mothers sighing
News had just come over
We had five years left to cry in
News guy wept when he told us
Earth was really dying
Cried so much his face was wet
Then I knew he was not lying"

There are more songs, I'm sure. I cut myself short because this post is already as long as any paper I ever wrote in college. I put more work into this, though. Still, add your favorite end of the world song in the comments!

FANTASY BASEBALL IN FEBRUARY!!!!!

I've decided Jason Grey is an idiot. Keep in mind while reading this that these three articles of his are the only things of his I've read. So my opinion may not be very informed, but that hasn't ever stopped me from having one before. I was reading his "overrated" "underrated" and value by position articles/analysis. First of all, he uses the ESPN rankings as the benchmark. That's fine, but come on, they're just rankings, and there are so much better out there. In fact, I would guarantee that when preparing for Tout Wars, Jason Grey is not doing his ADP analysis with the ESPN rankings. Come on. But anyway, that issue brings me to second of all, which is that he refers to the rankings as "projections." Now, I understand that they are technically projected ranks for the season, not projected stats, and I know he knows that. But when you're averaging 12 different people's seperate and quite subjective projected rankings, that's not projecting anything. If two people differ greatly on their projection of Josh Fields (Berry thinks he takes the job, kicks ass, so he ranked him way higher, others didn't) that doesn't mean at all that he's going to be in the middle, he's going to be one or the other, most likely.

But what really made me realize he was an idiot, was that his "conclusion" for underrated and overrated players in drafts is IDENTICAL. Well, seemingly at least. I think he's just accidentally saying the wrong thing, because he's a bad writer. He's saying that for undervalued guys, if you want to draft them at the projected value or even a round before, you don't need to because they'll likely slip a couple more rounds, so it's safe to wait. Obviously, but good call Jason, congratulations. Then, for the overvalued guys, he says like THE EXACT SAME THING. Here are a couple excerpts:

"For example, let's say you are absolutely sure Grady Sizemore is going to have a monster season; you're certain he's going to return the value of a first-round pick. He's still available when it comes to you at pick No. 9 in the first round of a 12-team draft … take Sizemore, right? Not so fast. It's a worthy temptation, but using data from the many mock drafts I used to determine the current ADP, Sizemore likely will still be there when it comes time for your second-round pick. You can maximize the overall return of your first two picks by selecting someone else in the first round and still grabbing Sizemore a round later."

This isn't so bad, just an odd way of explaining his point. He's explaining the phenomenon of players becoming overrated, or why his analysis even exists, not really giving you a strategy. It kind of belongs more in the "undervalued," if you're thinking that Grady's potential monster season is his projection, but he's slipping to the second round. Who cares, just sort of weird. But this is the last paragraph:

"There are four names on this list to spotlight: Scott Kazmir, Felix Hernandez, Clay Buchholz and Ubaldo Jimenez. I'm not arguing against selecting them, but the numbers suggest you can be a touch more patient before picking 'em. They'll still be there at least a round or two later than you probably think. Sometimes it's tough to practice patience for a guy you really want, but the overall value you will take from your entire draft will make holding off worth it."

"numbers suggest you can be a touch more patient..."??? "They'll still be there at least a round or two later..."??? No, doucheface, you just wrote an article explaining that if you want these guys you CAN'T be patient. Remember? It was THIS article. I'm sure he's trying to say "numbers suggest you SHOULD be a touch more patient, but other morons in your draft won't be, so you're not getting Felix unless you are willing to overpay, which is a bad idea. Wait, and take a guy that is a better value." But he's not saying that. Of course, none of it matters, since his whole analysis is based on projections that aren't projections at all. You know, it's one thing when ESPN wastes howrey's time because I'm reading it at work, but when it's wasting MY TIME too???? I just don't even know what to say to that.

Anyway, no one had posted for a while, and I hate the NBA, so I'm talkin' fantasy baseball jerks. Try and stop me!