Thursday, May 7, 2009

My Law School Playlist

As I am presently studying for a Constitutional Law Exam, I should absolutely not be blogging. However, I very much enjoy novelty playlists, as I've indicated several times before on this site. Perhaps I'm carving out a niche for myself. Most importantly though, I wanted to use the collective knowledge of this blog to add songs to this list.

1. Heavy Metal (Is The Law) by Helloween

I wish this were true. I would be having a much easier time than I am with law school if it were.

"Heavy Metal is the law that keeps us all united free
A law that shatters earth and hell
Heavy Metal can't be beaten by any dynasty
We're all wizards fightin' with our spell"

As you can see, Heavy Metal is quite a formidable legal system. It is apparently full of wizards, fighting ones, and not even the 1990's Cowboys or the 1970's Steelers can defy it.

Moreover, the German band Helloween wants to be sure you know that Heavy Metal keeps us all "united free". In case you were wondering what was behind that.

2. Lawyers, Guns and Money by Warren Zevon

I can't tell you how many times I've made this call:

"I was gambling in Havana
I took a little risk
Send lawyers, guns and money
Dad, get me out of this"

Further more, I can't wait to be the lawyer who has to work on this surely recurrent case. You probably have to fly down in a helicopter with a team of mercenaries and several bags with dollar signs on them. It's pretty much a dream of mine.

3. ...And Justice For All by Metallica

This song is 10 minutes long. It includes at least 6 minutes of pure insturmental. It's a bitch to play in Rock Band. It's as angry as anything Rage Against the Machine ever wrote. Yet somehow, Metallica have become the world's biggest tools, using lawyers to stomp all over the little guy who would dare threaten their intellectual property. I don't really get it.

If my client ever asks me a tough question about the law, I think he's in trouble, I will invariably have to go with this answer:

"Nothing can save you
Justice is lost
Justice is raped
Justice is gone!
Pulling your strings
Justice is done!"

4. The Mob Rules by Black Sabbath

So, my Constitutional law professor wants you all to know that several provisions of the Constitution are all about protecting people from 'mob rule'. Hence indirect election of senators, the electoral college, and justices appointed for life. I guess all I would have to say about that, is that Ronnie James Dio doesn't believe this works in practice.

You're all Fools! The Mob Rules!

5. Perry Mason by Ozzy Osbourne

OK. I think this song is hilarious. He was almost certainly high, sitting around watching television in 1995. The Perry Mason made for tv movie "The Case of the Jealous Jokester" had just come out as a made for TV movie. Now of course, as you know, this didn't actually star Perry Mason but his friend and collegue Bill McKenzie, solving the mystery of the murder of a sitcom star.

Surely inspired by this, and ironing out legal disputes with Tommi Iommi,he was looking for a good attorney. So he was inspired to write this:

Who can we get on the case?
We need Perry Mason
someone to put you in place
Calling Perry Mason again, again"

Also, this song was co-written by Aqua Teen Hunger Force guest star Zakk Wylde. So there's that.

6. Breaking the Law by Judas Priest

The laws of this state forbid me from giving any legal advice. But if Rob Halford were to have asked me, I would have told him that it is inadvisable from a defense standpoint to ever talk to the police, much less to admit to wrongdoing. It therefore is probably inadvisable to admit to it 32 times in a 2 minute period. Or if he is announcing his intention, it is still unwise. Given that 5 men are singing it, it is quite possibly conspiracy, even if they never end up doing anything.

I will also say that the activity in their video consists of only arguably illegal activity. I don't think you can assault someone with a guitar, no matter how threatening you are with your rocking. Moreover, given that all they took from the bank (after the power of their rocking opened the vault) was their OWN gold record, I think that might even be legal.

7. Sexx Laws by Beck

Contrary to what it appears, this song does not govern the rules that apply to sex, or even to "sexx". While I'm pretty sure it's at least 'about sex', like most Beck songs I can't make heads or tales of it. Thus in being only loosely related to law, it fits right in with this list.

"I want to defy
The logic of all sex laws
Let the handcuffs slip off your wrists
I'll let you be my chaperone
At the halfway home
I'm a full grown man
But I'm not afraid to cry"

8. Battery by Metallica

My Torts book defines "battery" as "Acting intend to cause a harmful or offensive contact with the person of another...and a harmful contact with the person of the other results."

Metallica, on the other hand, defines battery as

"Crushing all deceivers, mashing non-believers
never ending potency
Hungry violence seeker, feeding off the weaker
Breeding on insanity"

On the OTHER hand, Wikipedia defines it as "a combination of one or more electrochemical Galvanic cells which store chemical energy."

In summary, Metallica rules, law school sucks, and science is confusing.

9. Briefcase Full of Guts by Dethklok

This is more about business than law, per se (PER SE? See, I learned something in law school). It's actually more about murdering than it is about business, so there you go. We're already two degrees removed, but it's good enough.

"I'm an employee
I have a degree
I'll fulfill your need
I will make you bleed
I'll rise to the top
Best one on the team
Kill outside the box
Hold you as you scream "

That's right folks. Kill outside the box. That's the slogan of the forthcoming iGun.

After that awful joke, I am going to call it for now. I have a pile of studying to do. I always want to blog, but I'm pretty sure no one wants to hear about my fantasy woes, videogames, or law school and that's pretty much all that's on my mind lately.

Maybe more to come.


Mike LeGower said...

"I Fought the Law" (The Clash version is probably more your speed)

Jay Z said...

Freakin' awesome Wilson. Also, Conan O'Brien would have wanted you to include "Jesse's Girl" for the rhyming of cute with moot.

Ryan Smith said...

"As you can see, Heavy Metal is quite a formidable legal system. It is apparently full of wizards, fighting ones, and not even the 1990's Cowboys or the 1970's Steelers can defy it."

Fucking hilarious. Well done, Wilson.