Friday, December 5, 2008

How Will O.J. Jail?

After adding Kidnapping and Armed Robbery to a resume that already included Double Homicide and a Heisman, O.J. Simpson was sentenced to 15 years in prison today after being convicted of breaking into a Vegas hotel room and holding two men hostage in order to recover some sports memorabilia that he claimed had been stolen from him. Hey, it could happen to any of us.

But with the Juice headed for the stoney lonesome, the question remains: How will O.J. jail? How will he handle being behind bars? How will the other inmates and guards treat him? Does the prison where he's headed have a football team? Is AC fitting the Bronco with a battering ram to break through the prison walls and rescue O.J.? You know who this is, god dammit.

Jeff and Ryan break it down:

Ryan: I think the Juice will jail strong at first but eventually wear down. He'll surely do something stupid in there to prolong his stay.

Jeff: I'm torn on his jailin'. I just can't see how he'll jail strong. Too many years on the golf course, plus he's been out of the killin' game. Someone's gonna set him right early. I guess the best thing going for him is his Heisman and his contacts within the force.

By the way, we need to get on the Free Juice Train early this time; you know, before it gets really unpopular.

Ryan: Agreed. We've missed so many Free _____ Trains over the years. James Brown, Darryl Strawberry, Dexter Manley... Never again.

See, I think O.J. will jail strong for two reasons:

1. Most of his fellow inmates will respect the fact that he murdered two people and got away with it. He beat the system. He's a folk hero. Like that freezer lady in Georgia.

2. The dudes who have been locked up for a long time will only know him as O.J. the star running back. They've never seen the Naked Gun movies. They may have heard about his trial, but they didn't see the cartoonish side of it. He'll surely be the first pick for every rec yard sports team.

The guards could give him trouble, though. He just needs to remember one thing: You only do two days in prison--the day you get in, and the day Lawrence Phillips sneaks up on you in the mess hall and kills you.

Jeff: Lawrence Phillips, there's a man that jails strong.

Ryan: Somewhere Lance Ito is weeping on giant piles of money. You know... this never would've happened if Johnnie Cochran was still around.

Jeff: God rest his smutty soul.

Ryan: Good night, sweet prince.


Verley said...

hilarious. i think the juice jails strong b/c he gets respect from at least some of the bad guys. and thats all he needs. i'm just happy i was fortunate enough to get on the free kobe train:

Number Three said...

OJ is not an "institutional" type. He doesn't know the "folkways" inside. He'll cross someone without knowing. Strike one.

He may be "admired" for getting away with his double killing, but his vics were a chick and "her friend," as he is always described. It's not like he took down Randall "Tex" Cobb and Steven Seagal. Not really earning tough guy points yet . . . . Strike two.

And if you're old enough to remember OJ's playing days, then you're older than me, i.e., not the toughest guy on the exercise yard. OJ is old, strike three.

But being old is probably his best play. Or crazy. I can see OJ playing the "bug" to avoid being messed with.

Domer OC said...

If there is one thing we can all agree on, it's that Lawrence Phillips jails strong.