He-Man Looks Back in Anger

Reflections and Regrets From a Former Master of the Universe

Part I: The Early Years


Look, I’ve made some mistakes. I’ve put some hard miles on this body, and when you’ve lived like I’ve lived, you’re bound to have a few things on the ol’ resume that you aren’t too proud of. But there’s one thing you should know about me: I put it all on the line, every goddamn day. I rolled the dice. I never played it safe. You know what I want on my tombstone? Balls-Out. That’s it. No “Here Lies He-Man” or any of that shit. Just Balls-Out. Balls. Out. What’s that old saying? The rolling stone gathers no moss? Well, I’ve rolled all over the goddamn world. And I was moss-free, baby. Moss-fucking-free. But now? I’m covered in the stuff. Just covered in it.

My counselor keeps telling me that I’m too trusting, that I make myself too vulnerable. He’s always like, “You can’t keep putting yourself in these situations, He-Man,” like I fucking asked to get robbed by that hooker in Carson City. Like I was wearing a goddamn sign that said, “Please stab me and rob me and roll my unconscious body into a ditch.” My counselor’s like, “He-Man, you make bad decisions.” Fuck you. You make bad decisions. You know what was a bad decision, Doc? Paying $175 an hour just to listen to you talk bullshit all day long. That was a fucking terrible decision. Give me a goddamn break. I’m He-Man. I don’t make bad decisions. I don’t even make decisions at all. Decisions are for pussies. I act. I go with the gut. And when you go with the gut, you’re gonna get stabbed and robbed by a few hooker hitchhikers every now and then. It happens. Cost of doin’ business, as they say. And I got a question for you: If this court-appointed counselor guy is a real doctor, then why can’t he prescribe medicine? I go up to him the other day and I’m like, “Hey Doc, it hurts when I sleep. Write me a note for some Oxy, will ya?” And he’s like, “Sorry He-Man. That’s not what you need. And I can’t write a prescription for you, anyway.” Fucking useless.

What were we talking about again? Right, right, my supposedly “reckless” habit of picking up hitchhikers. Look, if offering rides to poor strangers every now and again is wrong, then I’m never gonna be right, OK? I look out for the poor people of the world. It’s what I do. It’s my mission from God. Or Buddha, or Yoda, or whoever’s up there flipping burgers in that great Hardee’s in the sky. I know this might come across as a shock to some of you, but He-Man has a heart, ladies and gentlemen. He-Man cares. I’m sorry, but I do. I have a huge heart. Seriously, I have an enlarged heart. My doctor says it’s because of all the juice I’ve done over the years, but my old lady says it’s because I’m so full of love—and I’m inclined to believe her. Hey, did you ever see that Elephant Man movie? The one where he’s like, “Maybe my head is so big because it’s so full of dreams?” Well, maybe that’s why my heart got so big. Because it’s so full of love. And dreams. Yeah, that’s good shit right there, man. Write that down. Hey, you wanna hear something crazy? A few years ago, Michael Jackson went out and bought the Elephant Man’s bones. Now why in the world would somebody go and do something like that? This was back when he was the King of Pop, right? He had all the money in the world, and I guess he was like, “You know what I should do with all this coin? I should buy some dead freak’s bones.” And where would you even find that shit? Is there some kind of bone store out there that I don’t know about? He was an odd dude. Michael, I mean. Tito was pretty cool. We used to hang out. We cut an album together one time. Tito did his thing, and I rapped on it. Those were the early days of rap music. My name’s He-Man and I’m here to say, I’m the coolest guy in the USA. You know, real grassroots stuff.

He-Man in 2007 at the Toledo premiere of "Suplex of Love,"
a film about pro wrestling starring Mickey Rourke.
It was He-Man's directorial debut.
The film was not well-received.

‘Roids? You’re goddamn right I used ‘em. Of course I did. Everybody was juicing back then. I was playing JuCo ball down in San Jacinto—starting safety, plus I returned a few kicks and punts—and all the guys on my team were doing it, so I thought I’d give it a shot. Why not, right? But let me explain something to you: The shit we were doing back then wasn’t anything like that specialized junk you got nowadays. This stuff wasn’t gonna help you recover faster from workouts, or get more endurance or whatever. This shit was gonna get you big. And it worked. I have no idea what was in it. All I know is, this stuff was potent. You could basically shoot this shit in your ass and just sit around all day and drink beer and eat Fritos, and you’d still get huge.

Yeah, we had a pretty good team down there. Some crazy motherfuckers, that’s for sure. That’s where I met Duncan—you know, Man-At-Arms. He was a year ahead of me. Running Back. Went on to play at UT and got drafted 4th overall by the Oilers. Had a few good years in the League before he shredded his knee in a motorcycle accident. Clawful was down there in San Jacinto, too—but nobody called him Clawful back then. He was just Gary, the skinny-ass outside linebacker. He was quick and he could hit, but Coach was on his ass from day one telling him he had to get bigger, had to bulk up, had to add like 50 pounds of muscle if he ever wanted to play DI. Gary tried everything, but nothing worked. Then one of Gary’s buddies went down to Mexico and came back with some really crazy-looking stuff in a tiny little vial. It looked like clam chowder and smelled like the dumpster outside of Long John Silver’s. Turns out it was just anabolic mixed with crab juice, but Gary was desperate so he bought it. His buddy sold it to him for, like, a grand. He told him that the crab juice would make his bones harder—you know, like a crab’s shell. And I’ll be damned if that nasty-smelling shit didn’t work. Gary got big—real big. ‘Course, his hands turned into claws, but Gary didn’t care. I remember how he used to snip the tops off of beer cans. He’d snip ‘em off with that one giant claw of his and just guzzle ‘em down. I saw him snip his way through a couple of thirty-racks of Coors one night. Swear to god dude drank 60 beers. And if you think for a second that having claws prevented Gary from taking the field each week, then you don’t know JuCo football, my friend. Some of the teams we played, bro, having a crab-man on the field was the least of the ref’s concerns. I saw a guy get shot one time—and this was way before The Last Boy Scout came out. JuCo was no joke, man.

Anyway, after he got big, Gary dominated. Those claws made him impossible to block. He just tore through the line on every play. Led the league in sacks for two straight years. But after he killed that dude, the shit kinda hit the fan for ol’ Gary. Yeah, he killed a dude. You didn’t hear about it? Total accident. Some fool’s helmet came off, and he took a claw right to the dome. Frankly, I’m surprised it didn’t happen more often. Anyway, after it happened, Gary was done. None of the big DI programs would take him. Switzer tried to recruit him, but he backed off once the papers got wind of it. Something about having a half-crab with a manslaughter charge on the team just didn’t sit right with some of the folks in Oklahoma, I guess. Their loss, man. Gary was a great, great guy. Helluva linebacker, too. God damn, I miss that dude. Jesus, it’s been twenty years and I still can’t believe he’s dead.

How Will O.J. Jail?

After adding Kidnapping and Armed Robbery to a resume that already included Double Homicide and a Heisman, O.J. Simpson was sentenced to 15 years in prison today after being convicted of breaking into a Vegas hotel room and holding two men hostage in order to recover some sports memorabilia that he claimed had been stolen from him. Hey, it could happen to any of us.

But with the Juice headed for the stoney lonesome, the question remains: How will O.J. jail? How will he handle being behind bars? How will the other inmates and guards treat him? Does the prison where he's headed have a football team? Is AC fitting the Bronco with a battering ram to break through the prison walls and rescue O.J.? You know who this is, god dammit.

Jeff and Ryan break it down:

Ryan: I think the Juice will jail strong at first but eventually wear down. He'll surely do something stupid in there to prolong his stay.

Jeff: I'm torn on his jailin'. I just can't see how he'll jail strong. Too many years on the golf course, plus he's been out of the killin' game. Someone's gonna set him right early. I guess the best thing going for him is his Heisman and his contacts within the force.

By the way, we need to get on the Free Juice Train early this time; you know, before it gets really unpopular.

Ryan: Agreed. We've missed so many Free _____ Trains over the years. James Brown, Darryl Strawberry, Dexter Manley... Never again.

See, I think O.J. will jail strong for two reasons:

1. Most of his fellow inmates will respect the fact that he murdered two people and got away with it. He beat the system. He's a folk hero. Like that freezer lady in Georgia.

2. The dudes who have been locked up for a long time will only know him as O.J. the star running back. They've never seen the Naked Gun movies. They may have heard about his trial, but they didn't see the cartoonish side of it. He'll surely be the first pick for every rec yard sports team.

The guards could give him trouble, though. He just needs to remember one thing: You only do two days in prison--the day you get in, and the day Lawrence Phillips sneaks up on you in the mess hall and kills you.

Jeff: Lawrence Phillips, there's a man that jails strong.

Ryan: Somewhere Lance Ito is weeping on giant piles of money. You know... this never would've happened if Johnnie Cochran was still around.

Jeff: God rest his smutty soul.

Ryan: Good night, sweet prince.

According to an AP article that I read yesterday on ESPN.com, American goalkeeper Brad Friedel recently set the record for most consecutive English Premier League appearances, with 167. Friedel, who plays for Aston Villa, set the record on Saturday in a game against Fulham. Afterward, he had this to say about his longevity:

"I have been fortunate with injuries, touch wood, and when I have got the odd knock it has always seemed to coincide with international breaks."

Over here, we say "knock on wood," Brad. Touching wood is something else entirely.

And:

"Is it nice that I have been able to get a run of games? Yes, absolutely, but I hope to have many more games ahead of me."

A "run of games"? The "odd knock"? Yes, yes, and a wicked googly to you, too, good sir. Now if you'll excuse me, I must take the lift to the loo. I'm going on holiday in a fortnight and the lorry is a tad late with me tea and crumpets. You're from OHIO, Brad. Ohio.

British-isms aside, I'd like to congratulate Friedel. It has taken years for American soccer players to earn even a modicum of respect on the international stage, so it's good to see a U.S. player stick around for so long in what is arguably the greatest league in the world.

In related news, Tony Meola has worn the same pair of sweatpants for 167 straight days.









Brad Friedel is grizzled. Also, his team's primary sponsor is a 24-hour gambling site where you can go to place bets on English Premier League matches. Pete Rose played the wrong sport.

The New Latin America?

I am not one for link posts, but this needed to be shared.

http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/08329/930453-100.stm

Leave it to the Pittsburgh Pirates to think outside the box and mine the vast untapped resource known as the subcontinent...

What Would Mo Vaughn Do?

In celebration of Ryan graduating college and finally buying a flat screen as well as the Wizard's Bullets inspired start to the season, I’ve decided I need to watch more college basketball this year.

Since Maryland is picked to finish last in the ACC (how does this happen? Isn’t that why Virginia Tech, Boston College, and Miami were added? Jerrod Mustaf must be rolling on his bench) and Penn State is one of the worst major conference teams, I’ve decided to look for a new squad to root for. Sort of like when Simmons picked an EPL league, I’ve put together some conditions to evaluate my team.

1) Troubledness: on a scale of 1 to 10 with Doug Christie as a one, Darius Miles as a 7, and Stephen Jackson as a 13 (too troubled), we're looking for a solid 9. Somewhere in the Corey Dillon-seats: troubled for sure, but not too troubled to be suspended for any real lengths of time.

2) Underappeciated Alumni. Someone like Willie McGee or the inventor of Mouse Trap.

3) At least one fat dude. Goes without saying.

4) General Elegance. Blowed out locks, slam dunk chin-ups, coach that brings a gun to practice, all huge plusses.

5) State school? Naaa, Commuter School. The Richmonds and Vanderbilts of the world need not apply.

6) Basketball team's chances. The bottomline is that I want a team that makes the tournament. Sure I'll support the terrible teams of the world (We Are Penn State!), but that's the point of this exercise, to have a horse to ride come March.

From these criterion I short-listed my list to two candidates. Let's do a tale of the tape.

Virginia Commonwealth vs. Seton Hall:

School Commonly referred to as: VCU vs. The Hall. Not a good start for the South

Famous alumni I can recite without going to Wikipedia: Gerald Henderson (ok, that required Wiki) vs. Maurce F'n Vaughn. This might not be close.

Wikipedia alumni: VCU's alumni is shockingly unfun. I mean "Saul Krugman"?!? I wonder what vaccine he invented?! Am I right!? (Huh, apparently Hepatitis B). The only ones worth mentioning are "Several founding members of the band GWAR"- actually, that's pretty cool- and "Donwan Harrell", founder of the New York-based urban clothing company Akademiks (see, the egregious spelling makes it cool!). Seton Hall on the other hand has Mo Vaughn. Oh, and Eddie Griffin, may God bless his smutty soul. The Hall is 3 and 0.

Basketball team's chances: VCU still has some of the team that beat Duke two years ago, including Eric Maynor. The Hall upset 23rd-ranked USC last night. VCU is on the board.

Fat Dudes: VCU no one over 240. Seton Hall's starting center is a generous 265... and he's 75 pounds lighter than his backup who weighs in at nearly three and a half bills, plus the dude at 345 is named "Melvyn".

OK, the slaughter rule has been declared.

I was kind of hoping that Ben Wallace's and Charles Oakley's school, Virginia Union, was somehow the same as VCU. [An aside: you don't have to believe in God or whatever, but to say that there's no such thing as destiny is to ignore the fact that Ben Wallace and Charles Oakley went to the same tiny school in Virginia.]

The bottomline is that I'm buying a Terry Dehare throwback and cheering for Seton Hall this season.

Need more evidence including slam dunk chin-ups? Watch the highlight from last night's game.

Seriously Tim Floyd, I realize you're trying to get canned and so you're wearing an untucked polo shirt, but dog, at least comb your hair; for god's sake you're in public.

You'll Always Be the Devil Rays to Me

A few observations as I was watching the Rays hold off the Red Sox in nail-biting fashion the other night:

1. This marks the eighth time in the past eleven years that the American League representative in the World Series has come from the A.L. East—and the first time during that time frame that the A.L. East has been represented by a team other than the Yankees or the Red Sox. This makes me happy. I’d be happier if the team in question was a scrappy bunch of underachievers in orange and black, but, as my dad says, “If wishes were horses, then scientists would clone Matt Wieters and he'd be able to play every position and pitch, even, and nobody would think it was weird that the Orioles were winning a bunch of games with a roster full of cloned dudes because they’d be too busy getting their asses handed to them by an army of Wieters.”

My dad says that all the time.

2. David Price. Good at baseball. David Blaine. Bad at magic.

"For my next trick, I will attempt to dribble a football. Seriously, guys, it's not that easy."

They look kind of similar, right?

3. Rays fans don't know how to party. This is not a big surprise, I guess. Tampa is not a baseball town, after all. (I guess it’s a football town? I’m really not sure. Tampa is mysterious. They have alligators there). And I realize that, as recently as a month ago, the Rays' entire fan base consisted of 37 relatives of Dioner Navarro, the staff at Baseball Prospectus and my Uncle Wayne. And, yes, for the first ten years of their existence, the Rays were utterly, spectacularly terrible, and it’s hard to rally around a 5th place team. But none of these reasons can excuse the following transgressions of fandom that occurred during the ALCS:


a. The signs in the Tampa stands were hilariously amateurish. I (Heart) Upton! read one. Beat Those Sox! read another. And when the final out was recorded, a few fans in the upper deck dramatically unfurled a vinyl sign that read: “First Time in History.” Nevermind the fact that ten years is not a lot of "history." The sign looked like it had been lifted from a used car lot, like they had cut off the bottom part that said "Geo Prizms and Dodge Neons Priced Under $1K! No, Money Down!"

Dear Rays fans: you owe the fans from Bases Loaded royalties for those horrible signs.

Does no one in Tampa have the ability to craft an even halfway decent pun? No ‘Bring the Pena’? No ‘Rays ‘em up’? It took me two seconds to come up with those, and I'm not even drunk. Well, I'm kind of drunk.


b. The celebration music they were playing in the stadium made me envious of the deaf.

In the song “Counting Bodies Like Sheep to the Rhythm of the War Drum” by A Perfect Circle, there’s a moment when singer Maynard James Keenan hisses Go back to sleep in a voice that sounds like knives being sharpened. It takes place roughly three minutes into the song, and it is terrifying. When the Rays were celebrating their victory on the field, the song playing over the loudspeaker sounded like a loop of that same terrifying, sharp-edged line. It is a frighteningly awesome line, from a frighteningly awesome song. But to listen to it—or something that sounded like it—over and over was the aural equivalent of staring directly into Medusa’s eyes. After a minute, my ears started to bleed. After two minutes, I ran upstairs to grab my baby daughter from her crib, all but certain that the apocalypse was nigh. And before we reached the fourth minute, I had turned to stone. This was not celebration music. This was music to accompany great and terrible acts of violence. This was music to justify an insanity plea. And yet, it was still better than “Celebrate good times, c’mon!”*.


4. I'd like to point out that Jeff and I liked the Rays way, way before it was cool. Like, back in the days of Crime Dog and Greg Vaughn.


My Series prediction? Rays in 6. However, part of me will be rooting for the Phillies because, if they win, the city of Philadelphia will riot—and Papa needs a new Liberty Bell.



* Please do not read this as an indictment of Kool or any of the members of his Gang—all of whom are fine, upstanding citizens who have more Funkiness in their little fingers than I have in my entire Dockers-wearing, Double-Windsor-knotting body.

The NFC West

You know what's awesome? Having your team play in the NFC West. Seriously. You should try it. 0-2 start you say? 1-6 on the Wide Receiver depth chart out with injuries you say? Don't worry, you play the St. Louis Rams.

But seriously, thank you Redskins. Beating Arizona for us was clutch. Maybe if we meet in the playoffs again we won't beat you this time. Well, no, sorry, we'll still beat you. That is, if Matt Hasselbeck has a professional wide receiver to throw to. I think he will. In fact, I think he will by week 5. We should have Branch and Engram back by the time we play Arizona, Boldin should be injured by then, and we'll be fine. Because we play in the NFC West. And it's awesome.

So, regardless of what I titled this post, it's really just a random football ramble. These are my thoughts on the NFL after Week 3. Well, the Jets and Chargers play tonight, but seriously, who cares.

The Bills. They're good. They're the best team in the AFC East. They will win the AFC East, because Miami and NYJ still suck, and, despite what a lot of people who hate good teams say, Tom Brady actually is a very good quarterback, and replacing him with just anybody doesn't mean that O-line, that system, Bill Belichick, and Randy Moss can still mow people down.

Eli Manning. He's good??? I guess so. I mean, I thought there was a chance that winning the Super Bowl meant he'd turned a corner, but it was kind of fluky. And he hasn't looked fantastic. But I've seen a couple plays (down field to Toomer in OT with a gorgeous bomb) where he actually looks like THE Manning.

Speaking of THE Manning... Indy sucks. Oh, and Jacksonville doesn't look very good either. Who's going to win that division? Who cares? Once Tennessee gets in the mix, I stop paying attention.

You know what? The AFC sucks this year. At least so far. I know a lot can change, but really. The only bright spots I think are the Broncos, who I'm calling for the Super Bowl, and the Bills. Every other team is just disappointment. When the Chargers lost in Week 1, I heard people say that it was a surprise because they were a favorite for the Super Bowl. They were? Why? Their defense is good (or should be). Their QB is Phillip fucking douche bag Rivers, their coach is Norv "I'm actually an offensive coordinator pretending to be a head coach" Turner, and LT can only do so much. I mean, really, he can do SOOOOO MUCH, but that's not enough to beat a good Broncos team. Hell, aparently it's not enough to beat a bad Carolina team. AT HOME.

But you know what else? The NFC is pretty fucking awesome. As much as I hate to admit it, the Cowboys are good. Luckily, they play in the polar opposite of the NFC West, the NFC EAST. Holy crap that division is awesome and always has been. The Eagles look sick. The Giants look back and forth, but pretty damn good. The Cowboys will win the division and then Romo will make a bonehead play to lose in the playoffs. Seriously, I think Romo's career is going to be shadowed like this the entire way. He's going to be very good, but make boneheaded, dimple-faced, good ol' boy grinnin' mistakes when they really matter and he'll just never be awesome. In last week's game against the Eagles, when he fumbled in the end zone, recovered, turned to see 3 green monsters swarming on him, why didn't he just hurl the ball away? Can it be grounding if there's been a fumble? Anyway, Romo is like the best quarterback that sucks. I hate Romo.

The St. Louis Rams, the Kansas City Chiefs, the Detroit Lions. These teams are very bad. Like abysmal. When you've got Julius Jones and TJ Duckett combining for over 200 yds rushing, combined with a passing attack that consists of a guy named Courtney and another named Bumpus scoring on you, you are a terrible, awful, unbelievably bad football team. Thank you St. Louis Rams.

I hate watching games involving the Chicago Bears and the Baltimore Ravens. I mean, if you can assemble an entire defense as good as they have, why can't you assemble... a quarterback. What's hilarious is that Baltimore actually tries to. They love drafting them some qb's.

I miss Wide Receivers. Seriously. Last week, before the game, I was excited that we were going to have Seneca Wallace as a starting WR, because he's awesome. Our backup QB is 5th on our WR depth chart. That's cool. What's not cool is having to have your 5th WR start as your #1. Well, having to, but not being able to because HE TOO GETS INJURED. 1-6. Unbelievable. Has this ever happened before? Deion Branch, Bobby Engram, Nate Burleson (IR), Ben Obomanu (IR), Seneca Wallace, Logan Payne (IR). What? 3 on IR too! What the hell. We RE-SIGNED Koren Robinson for christ's sake! We actually traded a DRAFT PICK for Keary Colbert. We played Courtney Taylor, Michael Bumpus, and Billy McMullen???? Who are these guys? They sound like characters in a Dukes of Hazzard rip off.

Feels good to get that off my chest. Well I'm kind of done rambling. Wilson, congrats to your Bills, they look great. As do the Eagles. My Seahawks are in shambles, and I'm still fairly confident we'll make the playoffs. Teams from Ohio are awful.

I'm stoked about the season, even though I should be terrified. But my Seahawks play in the NFC West, so everything is going to be alright.

The King is Dead, Long Live the King

A post is coming on the forthcoming ascendancy of the Bills and the end of the Belichick reign of terror. I'm just so delirious with happiness that I can't really string together words complete sentences in. Post tomorrow maybe I will write.

Obama Acceptance Speech Drinking Game

A drinking game, sure to keep you sober, in honor of tonight's historic speech:

Obama comes out wearing a Trevor Pryce jersey: one beer

Obama comes out wearing an Elvis Dumervil-autographed helmet: 10 beers

Obama refers to the South as having “Selvin Young type-upside”: Six beers

He refers to Invesco Field as “the House that Michael Dean Perry built”: 75 beers

Obama analogizes John McCain as once the 2000 version of Ed McCaffrey, but now nothing more than the 2003 version: seven beers

Obama acknowledges the dignitaries in the crowd: Civil Rights Leaders (no beers), Elway (one sip), Terrell Davis (one beer), Steve Atwater (two beers), Karl Mecklenburg (fifth of Beam).

Obama calls Terrell Davis "the Greatest Runningback of all-time-dot-com": 12 beers and a box of Bugles (box of Big Cheez-It if low on Bugles)

Obama gives a somewhat uplifting speech that really doesn’t say too much, but was kind of cool in an Outdoor Hockey kind of way: one to two good beers, casually drank.

The Should-Have-Been GTA Soundtrack

Sorry about the few posts. I'm lazy, and libertarianism and Buffalo Bills are the only two things I know anything about and neither Ron Paul nor Trent Edwards has done anything interesting lately so I've been quiet.

Aside: I'm lying of course. Trent Edwards went 9-11 with 2 TDS against the Steelers and looked awesome. I really believe he will be good, and you guys better get out of my way during the fantasy football draft. Lee Evans is set for a huge breakout.

Continuing then with my theme of writing about things that no one but me cares about, I'm going to write about Grand Theft Auto IV and heavy metal music. Specifically about my favorite songs for careening recklessly down a faux-Seventh Avenue in a stolen Lamborghini while being chased by a police helicopter and 30 FBI Hummers.

Another Aside: If you aren't playing GTA, you really ought to be. It's among the most highly reviewed games in history, and for good reason. It's quite fun, and very impressive as an achievement. Other things you probably aren't doing but should be doing include: Watching The Venture Brothers, buying an iPhone, and reading Watchmen.

I understand that the game comes with a built in soundtrack. It's extremely vast, with songs from all different genres. Not terrible, but certainly not appriciative of what goes on in this game. Sticking to the classic rock station as an example, we have songs like Q Lazzarus' "Goodbye Horses". A fine song, but conjuring up mellow-yet-creepy images of Ted Levine dancing around naked with his weiner tucked between his legs while I'm trying to jump the Hudson River on a motorcycle. . .well you can see where I have a problem. The jazz station is classy, but seriously. . .a jazz station? Do we really want to associate Charlie Parker's good name and smooth sax with firing a submachine gun through the window of an oncoming police cruiser?

I have here several bands that surely would not mind being associated with such imagery. They have often put worse on their album covers.

1. Black Sabbath - Die Young

You all know my affinity for Ronnie James Dio. If I ever fully embrace the image of a blogger (i.e. someone who acts like an expert but actually doesn't know a damn thing) I will write a post someday about how he is the greatest voice in rock and roll history.

Dio: Turning kids to Satanism decades before Marilyn Manson

In 1979 the non-Ozzy members of Black Sabbath decided to fire Ozzy Ozzborne for drinking too much--somewhat like being fired from Weezer for being too much of a hipster. So they turned to the greatest voice in rock music, who had been in such awesome bands as Elf, and Rainbow (both very gay sounding, both very awesome). Subsequently, they released my favorite Sabbath album.

The title track from this album, "Heaven and Hell", is actually already in the game. It just lacks the punch that Die Young does, having a very slow tempo for the first 5 minutes of the song (ala Stairway). Die Young, takes a break in the middle, but that's a perfect time to back up before you blast through that police barricade at the song's big crescendo. The guitar solo (which is approximately 30 minutes long) is so perfect for this game. The lyrics are helpful, as well.

Gather the wind
Though the wind won't help you fly at all
Your back's to the wall
Then chain the sun
And then it turns around and face you
As you run, you run, you run!

So live for today
Tomorrow never comes
Die young, young!

2. Helloween - Murderer (terrible quality, download it!)

I think most of you probably don't know Helloween because you don't follow German 80's Speed Metal. Consider this your introduction to the fastest and cheeziest band in history. They are hilarious, and awesome. This song may as well have been written for GTA. I would not recommend playing it while you are driving for real, because you will feel almost compelled to activate the acceleromatrix in your car (I don't drive myself; cars still have acceleromatrices, right?)

Lyrics:

Look for a safe place where noone will find you
And try to escape from the law
Wherever you are there's a killer behind you
Wanting to get you for sure
To lose the fear that one day he will get you
Be faster and kill him and run
Now you don't have to fear him no more
But in his place another headhunter will come
...run away!

3. Judas Priest - Breaking the Law

Come on. I don't really need to write anything here. The song maybe isn't fast enough for the car-chase-theme I have going on here, but it's pretty close. The lyrics and classic nature make up the difference.

4. Van Halen - Unchained

This comes off of Van Halen's best album, and their most under-played album, "Fair Warning". This album rocks. It's not conventional Van Halen. There's more interesting stuff going on than on albums like "1984" and Unchained displays some of that. The absolutely rocking chorus is great for flying around corners and weaving through traffic. Like some of the other songs on this list, there is a great slow interlude which then builds back into the driving force of the melody.

Lyrics:


Change, nothin' stays the same
Unchained, and ya hit the ground runnin'
Change, ain't nothin' stays the same
Unchained, yeah ya hit the ground runnin'

5. Dead Kennedys - Police Truck

This song is one of my favorite Dead Kennedys songs. It's very funny, fast, and has a distinctive sound. The guitar impresses me, and I think it's a great fit on this list as well. The lyrics are wildly unsafe for work, so I won't post them. I love this song though.


Third aside: Did you know Jello Biafra, lead singer for the Dead Kennedys, ran for president? I love his voice, hate his politics, and love his name. In 2000 the Green Party of New York State nominated him, but he lost the primary to Ralph Nader. People make fun of the Libertarians, and rightfully so, but the Greens are just as nuts.

Actually, I'd vote for the guy.

Anyway, to be continued. Watch that Venture Brothers episode.

Home Run Scurvy

I used to think that ESPN’s Jayson Stark was a fairly reasonable man. Then I read this, in which Stark breathlessly berates A-Rod for skipping the Home Run Derby. This section is particularly inept:

“Some day, A-Rod wants people to watch him walk down the street and say, ‘There goes the real home run king.’ Well, we hate to break it to him, but real home run kings think the Home Run Derby is part of their job description, not somebody else's problem.”

Allow me to make three points about the Home Run Derby:

1. The Home Run Derby is part of no one’s job description.

A professional baseball player’s job description looks something like this:

a. Show up before the game starts.
b. Try not to be drunk. (Hungover is OK).
c. Hit the ball and/or play your position according to your abilities.
d. Don’t test positive for drugs more than, like, seven times.
e. Some drugs are OK.

Nowhere in the MLBPA Collective Bargaining Agreement does it say anything to the effect of, “Thou shalt risk injury by participating in a glorified marketing stunt just because some ESPN columnist thought it would be really cool.” (In fact, the Home Run Derby is mentioned only once in the MLBPA Collective Bargaining Agreement, and it has to do with an agreement with ESPN that one of the player interviews during the telecast will focus on MLB “Trust activities.”)

2. If you are older than ten, then you do not care about the Home Run Derby. This is a scientifically proven fact. A few years ago, in a little-known experiment, a group of scientists showed 500 ten year old boys a tape of the 2002 Home Run Derby. The boys went wild. They thought it was the coolest thing ever. Tons of home runs! Loud music! Players laughing and joking around with each other, just like regular folk! Awesome!

The scientists then showed each boy the same tape on his 11th birthday. Here’s a sampling of the boys’ responses:

Boy 17: So they just, like, keep hitting home runs, right? Is that it?

Boy 212: How is this any different than batting practice?

Boy 333: Are there gonna be boobs in this video? ‘Cause that would be awesome.

Boy 467: Why are you at my birthday party?

Admit it, Jayson. Your argument boils down to this: Your inner child was hopelessly excited about the possibility of watching A-Rod hit a bunch of home runs. That’s it, right? And afterward, Mommy was going to take you to Friendly’s and let you get TWO ice cream sundaes! And fries! And a milkshake! Because it’s Home Run Derby day!

It’s your fantasy, my friend.


3. Avoiding the Home Run Derby will do nothing to tarnish A-Rod’s resume. A-Rod could retire tonight and still get voted into the Hall of Fame on every ballot. Ten years from now, when people talk about the best players to ever play the game, A-Rod’s name will come up. The fact that he avoided the 2008 HRD will not. How many Home Run Derbies did Hank Aaron participate in? How about Willie Mays?

Stark also supports an unnamed team official’s theory that A-Rod is avoiding the HRD because of the recent Madonna scandal. Stark writes, “He's afraid of not winning. He's afraid of being ripped in the tabloids. He's afraid of hearing it's all Madonna's fault.”

Um, seriously? You think A-Rod is losing sleep over the fact that some drunken Yankee fans might serenade him with an impromptu performance of ‘Material Girl’? Have you forgotten that A-Rod plays in Yankee Stadium, like, every night? And that he gets booed there, like, all the time? And that the tabloids rip on him, like, every day? Remember “Stray-Rod”?

Now it’s my turn to theorize: A-Rod is inured to the boos. Like most professional athletes, he has no particular allegiance to the city where he plays his home games. Steinbrenner signs his paychecks, and A-Rod goes home each night and rests his weary head in his palatial Manhattan apartment. That’s the extent of his connection to New York. He wants the Yankees to win, no doubt, but only because he’s a competitor who plays a game for a living in which overall team success is measured by wins and losses – not because he drank the Yankee Kool-Aid (“Now with 25% more Mystique!”) and he now bleeds for the Bronx and shits pinstripes.

And, perhaps most unbelievably, in an effort to disprove the “Derby Curse,” Stark suggests that three former Derby champs -- Ryan Howard, Cal Ripken, and Andrew Dawson -- actually “used the Derby as a springboard to win an MVP award.” A-Rod hasn’t participated in the HRD since 2002. Since then, he’s won three MVP awards. That pretty much shoots your theory to hell, huh, Jayson?



* Note: As I’m typing this, Josh Hamilton is depositing baseballs on the moon. Everyone seems to be having fun, and Milton Bradley is actually smiling. I take back everything I said about the HRD. The HRD is awesome.

This Does Not Look Good for the NBA

Disgraced NBA Referee's Phone Calls to Second Ref Raise Questions

So, Davey, is Tim Donaghy still a "rogue, isolated criminal"? Inquiring minds want to know!

The Greatest Music Video Ever Made

Watch this video as soon as you can.

http://www.vimeo.com/1223566

Special thanks to one John O. for this truly spectacular link.

Blog Blog Blog

Remember when we had a blog, and we posted stuff on it and commented on the posts and stuff? Yeah, those were good times. Ahhh, memories... Yesterday... all my troubles seemed so faraway... We had a blog and it was super-cool... Oh, I believe in blogs and stuff...

Well, it's time to recapture the glory. I'll lead the way with a series of "back to basics" posts designed to get the ol' blog juices flowin' again. But first, some music to get you back in the blogging spirit. (If Liquid Swords doesn't motivate you to get that ass bloggin', then nothing will).


On to the post:

Ryan's Mid-Season Fantasy Baseball All-Star Team

(Yes, I'm aware that every fantasy baseball site has done some version of this. Mine is different because it's based on player values in our awesome 47x23 league):

C Geovany Soto (Streakier than bacon, yes, but he gets the edge due to draft position)

1B Adrian Gonzalez (although Pujols in round 2 still looks pretty good)

2B Chase Utley (The first person who taunts me with a "Where's Howie Kendrick?" comment gets a plastic bag full of angry bees in the mail...)

3B Chipper Jones

SS Hanley Ramirez

OF Lance Berkman

OF I can't decide whether to put Sizemore here, or Holliday. Sizemore leads the AL in dongs, and 40/40 is still within sight. Holliday missed some time and he's still raking, with an OPS of 1.000+. Plus he's running more. Fuck it, I'll go with Grady Sizemore. He's living up to a draft position that I felt was too high at the time (12th overall).

OF Josh Hamilton (Yeah, I traded for him at peak value. And yeah, he's only hitting .273 for my team. But he's in the Home Run Derby, bitches, so fuck ya'll. Home. Run. Derby. Last I checked, only SUPERSTARS get invited to that party...).

U Dan Uggla

U Ian Kinsler

U Corey Hart

SP Tim Lincecum (Yeah, I traded him. Shut up. Just shut up).

SP Edinson Volquez (Hit a bump in the road recently, with 11 earned runs and more walks than Ks over his past three starts, but he has otherwise been filthier than Duquan).

SP Ben Sheets

RP Francisco Rodriguez (K-Rod mashed after a shaky April. The only thing that can stop him now is if Bobby Thigpen goes Gillooly on him. Or if he has some other sort of non-Thigpen inflicted injury or something. Not to jinx him or anything, Ebner. [it should be noted that I have an irrational amount of love for Bobby Thigpen]).

RP George Sherrill (I love you, George, but I hope the Birds trade you while your value is inflated. Milwaukee needs a closer, and Baltimore could use another prospect to help them in their run to the World Series in 2011).

RP Kerry Wood (Drafted in the 19th round; surrounded by a ton of questions going into the season; has thus far silenced any concerns).

P Cliff Lee (or Ervin Santana)

P Zack Greinke (it's tough to leave the perpetually-underrated Roy Halladay off this list, but Greinke was a 24th-rounder [acquired by the Chipperbot via trade] and his 13 Quality Starts, 96 Ks, and decent WHIP make him an absolute steal that late in the draft)

P Scott Kazmir (I just really love Scott Kazmir. Question for the O's fans: Is it wrong that I love the Rays almost as much as I love the Orioles?)


So who am I overlooking here? Should it be Doumit instead of Soto? Who have I overhyped? Should Milton Bradley be on this list? How about Longoria? Pat the Bat?

Blog Blog Blog...

Owie Kendrick

Here's an update on my fantasy baseball team thus far, told through a series of open letters to Howie Kendrick:

May 20, 2008

Dear Howie,

Hey, buddy. It’s me, Ryan. You know, the guy who drafted you in the sixth round? The guy who deliberately chose you even though Miguel Tejada was still on the board? How are you feeling? How’s that hammy? Still sore? I’m sorry that you don’t feel well, Howie. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. You’re in my thoughts, Howie. Everyday. I’d say that you’re in my prayers, too, but your injury and the time you’ve missed this year have led me to believe that if God does exist—and I have my doubts now—then He's nothing more than a twisted puppet master intent upon killing my fantasy baseball team's hopes, one strained hamstring at a time.

I need you, Howie. More than ever. Guess who I’ve been starting in your absence? Here's a hint: His name rhymes with "Sticky Leaks," and even after getting eight hits in the past five games, he's still not hitting his weight. It's Rickie Weeks, Howie. Rickie Weeks. And let’s just say that it took Rickie weeks to get that average above Mendoza this year.

Don't make me beg, Howie. I’m sorry that you’re in pain. I’m sorry that this muscle strain continues to sideline you. I’m sorry that your papier-mâché cotton candy motherfucking hamstring is still sore. I’m sorry that it’s taken you and your goddamn silly putty fucking body almost seven fucking weeks to recover from a goddamn motherfucking “hamstring strain.” Really, I am. I think I strained my hamstring once. I can’t really remember. Because it was a fucking strain. I probably just walked it off, or I poured some Tussin on it, or I drank beer until it didn't hurt anymore. The point is, it didn't prevent me from maintaining my active lifestyle of tossing the football around and occasionally running to catch the subway. Whatever happened to playing with a little pain? Remember Lou Gehrig? Does that name ring a bell? In his final full season he smacked 29 dongs and put up a .933 OPS, and he was in such bad shape that they ended up naming the fucking disease after him. So get well soon, Howie. Or don’t. Whatever. I’m riding the Clint Barmes train now.

Warmest Regards,
Ryan

That better be one of those special hamstring injury-healing pies

May 22, 2008

Hey Howie,

I'm sorry I got mad at you yesterday. I know that you want to be out there playing. And thanks for your reply. Thanks for pointing out that you wouldn't even take yourself in the 6th round, that your own mom waited until round 10 to pick you, and that I drafted "like Matt Millen" this year. If that's the case, then I guess that makes you my Charles Rogers, huh? Or my Mike Williams? Or my Every-Other-Stupid-Fucking-Bust-Ever? But really, I know your absence is only a small part of why my team is wallowing in 6th place right now. I can’t blame you for the Fukumori Experiment. Or the great Kelvim Escobar Dice-Roll of 2008. And, much like drinking Jagermeister or betting on boxing, drafting Mark Teahen seemed like a good idea at the time. The fact that your hamstring apparently has the tensile strength of dental floss had no bearing on these poor draft-day decisions. I know this.

But you're still out. With that same muscle strain. The latest news is that you've gone "back to the drawing board." Help me out here, Howie. What the fuck does that even mean? MLB disabled lists tend to be, at best, nebulous realms of half-truths and meaningless designations, but I gotta admit: this has been the longest "15 day" stretch of my motherfucking life—even longer than those two weeks during the summer after my sophomore year in high school when our air conditioner and cable kicked out at the same time. I read a lot during those two weeks, Howie. I'm reading a lot now, too. Like how your hamstring strain has been downgraded to a "more severe hamstring strain." I want you to get better, Howie. And I know you want to get better. But Barmes is raking like a fucking gardener right now, and Rickie Weeks is getting on base any way he can. So take your sweet time, pal.

Best,

Ryan

This is how Ryan looked when his 6th round pick went down... and stayed down

May 23, 2008

Howie,

Yeah, that was me going through your trash last night. And yeah, I'm the one who's been mailing you those envelopes stuffed full of ham and string. And yes, I was the guy standing outside your window last night yelling, "If I need that goddamn DL spot for anyone other than Hafner, your ass is waivers-bound!" Thanks for calling the cops, Howie. This is the pat on the back I get for drafting you in round 6? I had faith, Howie. Now all I have is a resisting arrest charge and a few bruised ribs.

I woke up this morning and saw that your Yahoo News and Notes box had that red flashy thing on it. I clicked it, hoping to get some good news. Instead, I got this giant middle finger of a Player Note:

May 22 Lyle Spencer, of Angels.MLB.com, reports Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim 2B Howie Kendrick (hamstring) worked out Thursday, May 22, and said his leg felt much better than the last time he ran. There is no timetable for his return.

Thanks a fucking lot, Lyle Spencer. Your leg feels better, Howie! That's great news! And yet, there's still "no timetable" for your return. In the meantime, Chris Young just went on the DL after taking an Albert Pujols line drive to the face. Oh, and ol' Moist-Hands Alou strained his calf last night and was immediately placed on the DL. I guess you don't take too many chances with the body of a 173-year-old. And Barmes will inevitably stop raking soon, and I don't know if I have the stomach to ride the Rickie Weeks Sooper Dooper Looper for the rest of the season. So I'll ask again: when are you coming home, Howie? Because what my team really needs right now is a .300 hitter who contributes little else across all the other stat categories. You know, like Moises. Without the piss-covered hands.

Fondly,
Ryan

An actual MRI of Howie Kendrick's hamstring

May 24, 2008

Dear Howie,

Clint Barmes just went on the DL. Fuck the world.

Sincerely,
Ryan



May 25, 2008

Dear Aaron Hill,

Hi, my name is Ryan…

Get Your Preak On

The Preakness has a bit of an identity problem. It has long been called the middle child of the Triple Crown family, without the pomp, revelry, and sophistication of the Derby, and missing the historical significance and affluence of the Belmont. The Preakness’s contribution to the Triple Crown is: do not fuck this up. Its race track, Pimlico, is not only illustrative of Maryland racing, but a microcosm of its host city.

Pimlico’s crumbling infrastructure and lack of investment in its facilities and its neighborhood have become more obvious with each passing spring. Dilapidated homes and closed store fronts are the face of an area that prosperity has passed by. Perhaps the most telling comment on our society and its growing wealth gap is not the failure of such neighborhoods, but the refusal to confront or even acknowledge the problem. For evidence of this count how many different ways the announcers refer to the neighborhood tomorrow during raceday. Be sure to look out for: working-class, traditional, or up-and-coming (my favorite). Make no mistake: it is a ghetto and we ignore it. The solution is not easy and for some reason I don’t think it involves million dollar investment into games of chance whose expected value are negative (but that’s a whole other post). Oh, and while we’re on the topic, kudos to ESPN’s Travel department for finding inventive ways to describe the neglect.

“Pimlico is nestled in an older, non-touristy neighborhood and the races serve as a stand-alone event for visitors, who come and go while enjoying other sections of the city.”

“Pimlico is not built for sightseeing and mingling.”

“You'll find a fair amount of on-site parking at Pimlico, but it's truly best to avoid the congestion with a light rail trip/shuttle bus ride or metro subway/shuttle bus ride.” (read: don’t stay anywhere near here)

“Many Preakness-goers stay 6 miles south of Pimlico in the downtown Inner Harbor hotels.” (staying near Pimlico is like mooning God)

"Located 15 miles north of Pimlico, Hunt Valley offers several hotels out of the hustle-and-bustle of downtown." (sure it’s halfway to Pennsylvania and offers little to do, but it’s a not a terrible option for those that would like to live to see Monday.)

"Hotels on nearby Reisterstown Road also are an option." (Reisterstown Road: a slightly safer ghetto)

The rest of the article lists the nightlife options, other attractions, and restaurants, NONE of which are located anywhere near the track.

Preakness is a spectacle. It has a unique and storied tradition and should be a showcase of Maryland, like the Derby is to Kentucky. But every spring, we miss our chance. And each year, the writing on the wall becomes bigger and bolder. Will I be attending this year? Absolutely. Will I have mixed feelings? No question. What can be done? It’s not an easy answer, but something must be done. We risk losing the race and, more importantly, we risk losing yet another generation of impoverished Baltimore youth.


(PS, gambling is fun.)

Just in case you ever are captured by a supervillian

If you enjoy brain teasers, here are about 90 that have had me going for almost a week now when I should have been working. Enjoy.

http://www.ouverture-facile.com

P.S. I am on puzzle 31, and it is making me very angry.

In the Kitchen with Oakley

Jeff just emailed this to me. It needs to be shared with the world.

Fucking hilarious.

Yinka Dare, Four Years On

The other day, Ryan and I were emailing, and discussion turned to Yinka Dare, as it often does. I forget the context. It doesn't matter, really. We email about Yinka so frequently – along with Boubacar, and DeSagana, and Jahidi – that the references all tend to run together. Anyway, midway through one of his emails, Ryan admitted that he'd forgotten that Yinka had died. After a few minutes spent questioning Ryan's commitment to ludicrously athletic yet terribly uncoordinated African centers, it struck me: Yinka Dare has been dead for over four years now. The world has largely forgotten about him. Sure other terrible and awkward players have tried to take his place in the Terrible and Awkward African Center Pantheon, but for me no one was quite like Yinka.


Sort of like the Kennedy assassination to our parents I remember exactly where I was when it happened. My buddy Jon and I were at some lame house party in Georgetown scrolling ESPN’s bottomline for fantasy baseball updates when the death of Yinka Dare flashes by. To have his death announced on ESPN’s bottomline was a cruel, cruel irony for a man who never once had made the bottomline before.

Yinka Dare was 7-foot-1, 270 pound Nigerian with no semblance of basketball ability. This did not stop Big Yink from comparing his game to Hakeem and Shaq. He called himself “an ideal center.” He said he’d be “better than some of the best big men who ever played.” He made these statements not as a precocious rookie but a couple years into a remarkably dismal playing career.

You see Yinka Dare wasn’t just bad, he was astonishingly bad.

During his first year he played in one game for three minutes, had one turnover, committed two fouls, and missed his only shot – an airball of course. He promptly tore his ACL and missed the remainder of the season, thereby earning over $300,000 per minute.

The next season, Dare’s “best”, he racked up 626 minutes of play in 58 games. Per game he averaged 2.8 points, 3.1 boards, 2.0 fouls, and 0.0 assists. Or more accurately: 0.000000 assists. As in none. In 58 games, in 626 minutes Dare had 72 turnovers, but not once did he pass to someone who hit their shot. Not even once.

Midway through his third season, in his 77th game, and after 770 minutes of NBA playing time this Ripken-esque streak came to an end. Sadly there is no youtube clip to commemorate the occasion, but it is said that Yink was ecstatic, whooping it up, and overjoyed. It’s unclear if this exuberance led him to declare that he’d be one of the best of all-time, but it surely must’ve contributed. After all, assists don’t grow on trees, I suppose.

Dare played in just 10 games the next season before being cut. He bounced around the CBA and USBL until 2003 before retiring.

In 2004 Yinka collapsed and died in his home in New Jersey. A medical examiner determined that Dare had a heart attack due to an arrhythmia condition discovered when he was in college. All accounts were that Yinka was a kind, gentle person, a respectful and good kid.

I’ll always remember Yinka Dare fondly. The man played 1,002 minutes in the NBA and had just four career assists. His ever-present smile, delusions of grandeur, and basketball ineptitude made him a hard guy not to like. It’s been ten years since Yinka last played in the NBA, and I’m not sure we’ll ever see another player so bad and yet so likeable again.

CJAU

I'm not sure how you pronounce this fellow's name, but I sure hope it's simply read as 4 letters of the alphabet.

http://buffalobills.com/blog/index.jsp?post_id=3433

RAMS ADD FORMER BILLS DRAFT PICK: The St. Louis Rams have added Bills 2007 seventh-round pick C.J. Ah You to their roster.

All things sports, and hockey too

The Caps playoff run was incredible, that being said, this video is pretty damn funny...



NHL Star Called Up To Big Leagues To Play For NFL Team

Federal Government takes Pro-Vampire Stance

Blade is going to prison.

Blade and the weapon he uses to tear up 1040s

This news makes me so angry. I cannot stand when the government makes an example out of someone, and if you read the prosecutor's sentencing argument that is exactly what is going on here. This is not justice. The man was convicted of 3 misdemeanors for willfully failing to file 3 tax returns. 3 years in prison is completely excessive.

I hope that this has the opposite effect and makes a martyr out of Wesley Snipes. Ideally, this would draw further attention to the insanity of our justice system and our tax system. Ultimately, I wish they had taken back taxes and a fine and left it at that.

That said, our nation is now going to be completely defenseless against the vampire menace for the next 3 years. That's more than enough time for the Kate Beckinsale-led monsters to turn us all into cattle. I have no confidence in a Josh Hartnett and Hugh Jackman led resistance. We're all doomed.

Our last line of defense against the bloodsucking menace. Confidence inspiring, no?

2008 NFL Draft Preview

If the sundresses are out and the Orioles have yet to be mathematically eliminated then it must be April and NFL draft season!!!

My take on this year’s draft class is that it’s well below average at the top, but somewhat underrated thereafter. While most skill positions appear to be a crapshoot, there looks to be some real value late in round one and throughout round two. Some teams are going to “guess” right and walk away with great players, late. As you’ll see I think the QB and Tackle positions offers some incredible upside with less than typical risk.

Amazingly, the top picks are inhabited by a new flock of teams. St. Louis picks in the top five for the first time since Walt Pace, Atlanta since the dude that killed dogs but not people and was therefore incarcerated (oh, so NOT Leonard Little), and the Chiefs for the first time since botching the Ryan Sims pick (Thomas’s boy). Per the NBA Super Draft, I’ll be gratuitously adding fake nicknames throughout.

Top Offensive Players

1) Surely Long Jake Long – yup, one player in and I’ve already made a dong joke. Let me get this out there: it’s uncomfortable how much I like Jake Long. His fake offensive line stats: he allowed two sacks his entire Michigan CAREER (one this season to Vernon Gholston), he committed two penalties in his Michigan CAREER (43 games- one false start, one hold). Jake Long is Joe Thomas Part Two, Look who’s Joe Thomas too. The general plotline goes: fan base clamoring for a sexy offensive skill player, team does the smart thing and takes bookend tackle, previously unheralded QB all the sudden starts to play pretty durn good, the running game improves immensely, and the team improves 4 to 6 games. Great left tackles are never on horrible teams. If you’re gonna pay an unknown a kagillion dollars why not pick a player who starts from day one and makes every other offensive player on your team more valuable? I’m not happy the Dolphins took the fun out of the speculation, but it’s tough to fault them.

2) (Tie) Darren Xzibit McFadden/ Jonathan Kordell’s Cousin Stewart (no, seriously) - Let’s gets this straight Xzibit is Not Adrian Peterson. Yes he’s better in space than Rocky’s wife, but he doesn’t get those hidden yards. You know, those yards when the back gets hit at the line but somehow it’s second and six or seven? Here’s the thing, I’m sold on McFadden as a good back, but I am most certainly not sold on him as a game changing superstar. To draft a back this high he needs to be special, like once or twice in a generation special. Looking back ten or so years, the only backs picked in the top 10 that fit that description are Tomlinson, Peterson, and Curtis Enis. Just fooling, Tomlinson ain’t all that. As for Kordell’s Cousin I honestly think he’s nearly as good of a back and possibly more complete in terms of his catching ability than McFadden—provided he doesn't get caught crying on the sidelines or end up with crazy shit growing on his face like his cuzzin'. I also think he represents a lot more value in the late teens or early twenties versus D-Mac’s $20M+ guaranteed. Unless the guy is a surefire super, duper star, don’t take a back in the Top 5, and even if he is a can’t miss, still don’t take him.

Speaking of not losing yards… what’s with this thingy???



3) Brian Brohm-icide- Reason 6 million I’ll never get the draft? Brohm was supposed to be a top 10 pick last year. He decides to come back and in doing so he answers questions about his durability. He throws for 30 TDs, completes 65% of his passes (which is his four year average) and throws for 4,000 yards. So now he’s a second rounder? Whaaaa? I think Brohm is a top shelf NFL starter, who could be Carson Palmer good. Teams like the Dolphins, Falcons, or Chiefs should all be looking Brohm’s way at the top of round 2, but it wouldn’t surprise me to see another team trade into the bottom of round 1 to get him. Dude is gonna be good, like Qdoba good.


4) Jeff Sub Shack Otah- To me Otah is the only other obvious bookend, probably at right tackle. The kid is raw, but just massive, like Good Burger fat. You don’t play with Jeff Otah, you play among him. Plus he’s one of these born in Africa didn’t play till he was a senior year type of guys. I’m always partial to those guys. There are too many successes to ignore. Plus, worst case scenario you fucked up the pick but drafted a 350 pound Nigerian.

5) (Tie) John David Booty Call (too obvious? John David Black Tail? JD Treasure?) and Sam Baker. I once read an article by Malcolm Gladwell about how he would draft if he knew very little about sports (this was in reference to the NBA). Essentially he said he’d pick the best players on the elite teams. He then went through a hypothetical draft over the last several years and showed how he could assemble a fantastic team by just picking in the middle of the first round from college basketball’s elite programs. Now this may seem obvious, but look at the projected top picks: there are players like McFadden whose team had 5 losses and other players like Otah or Chris Williams from Vandy who missed a bowl game altogether. This is a long-winded way of saying: pick the quarterback and left tackle from USC. They’ve been a borderline dynasty for going on five years now and it doesn’t take a genius to realize that their QB and the man that’s protecting said QB have to be pretty good. Baker and JDB have been tested in pressure situations, have been practicing with NFL-caliber teammates, and have run an NFL-style offense for four years. This is an extremely bold call, but John David Booty could be a poor man’s Tom Brady (by that I mean a pro-bowl QB). And Sam Baker has started since he was a freshman, first protecting Leinart then Booty. I’ve seen Baker projected in the second round and Booty in the third and wonder if the last several years of USC dominance meant nothing? I love these two guys and think they’ll make outstanding pros.

Top Defensive Players

1) Glenn “The Astronaut” Dorsey- Glenn Dorsey just sounds like an old white engineer at NASA to me. Either that or some lame-ass jazz musician who played the cornet and got laughed at because he declined the invitation to shoot heroin with Charlie Parker. The Astronaut was the best player on the best defense in the country. It’s funny because I loved him last year and wanted the Skins to take him at six but playing all year with that injury scares me a bit. That being said, he’s probably the most talented player in the draft and is the type of guy who will hide a defense’s shortcomings.

2) Chris Firestorm Long- Chris Long has A.D.D., hypertension, and probably lupus. I’ve seen most of his games, including several in person, and this is the only explanation for how insane he is on the field. The best pro comparison I can come up with is fellow Wahoo and current Seahawk Pat Kearney, only Kearney’s best game is Firestorm’s every game. I’m not sure he’ll have sack totals equal to a player like Gholston or even Derrick Harvey, but his impact on every aspect of the game will be noticeable. Watching Chris Long in person will his defense and even his offense to win this year at Maryland was one of the most memorable things I’ve ever witnessed on a football field. With a gun to my head I’d probably even take him before Dorsey.

3) Sedrick The Bus-Drivin’ Murderer Ellis- so every year a player emerges who is thought to be a first/second round fringe player goes to the Senior Bowl and dominates. Last year it was Dwayne Bowe, which worked out OK, and this year it was Sed. The dude was unblockable. I love Ellis and think he’s gonna be uber productive. The main concern is that he’s undersized at 6’1” but his motor erases those concerns. Unless we're talking about the motor of the bus he drives when he murders people.

4) Dan Spoony Love Connor- Before getting hurt Connor’s teammate Paul Posluszny was off to a great NFL start. Here’s the thing: Connor was the better of the two and the most deceptively athletic player I’ve ever seen. Dan Connor could be Zach Thomas good and I wouldn’t be surprised in the least. Linebackers tend to be lower risk picks and Connor is going to anchor the middle for a lot of years for whoever picks him.



5) Vernon Appendages Gholston- Black Mamula? Or a dominant edge pass rusher? The Good: He had 14 sacks this year, including 4 in a game. The Bad: He had just 25 solo tackles. The Good: ridiculously athletic. The Bad: can disappear from games. I think Gholston’s career will be a series of contradictions. Essentially he’s Ryan Howard. 50 home runs and 200 strikeouts. Gholston will have just monster games, and then just shit the bed in others. That being said, dude is enormous and named Vernon so he can’t be that bad.

Other Notables:

Matt Ryan- I actually like Matt Ryan. He’d be the next one on the offensive list above, but I have no clue how he became a top 10 pick? He does certain things better than Booty or Brohm, and certainly things not as well. I think he’ll be an NFL starter, but is he a sure thing? Hardly. His combination of intelligence, leadership, and size make him an intriguing pick, but I don’t see him as that much better than the other top QBs. Ryan could, and to be honest, should be the best of this bunch, but I’d rather take a player like Chris Long and get Brohm or Henne in Round 2 than reach on Ryan.

Chad Old Speckled Henne- four year starter at Michigan, won a lot of games, but unlike that other Michigan QB, he didn’t win the big one (0 for 4 versus Mo Clarett’s alum). That being said, I think Henne belongs with the Ryan, Brohm, Booty crowd as a future NFL starter. He has some physical limitations that the others don’t have, but he’s run Michigan’s offense for four years and I think he’ll be a quick learn in the NFL. Again, Michigan alum, future starter, not Tom Brady, but maybe Jim Harbaugh.

Branden Morbidly Obese Albert- As detailed last year with Ben Grubbs, I’m a huge fan of taking the best guard, but not if you expect him to play tackle. Albert played two games at tackle and apparently that’s gonna make him a ton of money. I read an article that Albert is blown away by this first round talk and really thought he’d be a third or fourth rounder. Should this concern teams? Yo dog, I appreciate it or whatever, but I’m really not all that. As my buddy Thomas points out: if he’s good enough to be a left tackle in the NFL then why wasn’t he a left tackle at UVa? Picking Albert as the first guard in the 20s: Yes! Picking him in the top 10 at a position he’s never played: Um.

Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie-Deion-Darrell Green-Rod Woodson-Ripken-Jr. All I know is DRC had a great Senior Bowl and at some point added Cromartie to his last name to highlight the fact that he and Antonio are cousins. I love this concept. I wonder if Obama will campaign as Barack Obama-Cheney to win the key angry, white, get the hell off my lawn vote?

Aqib Talib- will be a Mike Rumph Roast type bust playing for the Quad City Spungoes in three years or will be an Asante Samuel type ball-hawking corner. There’s literally no in-between. I suppose if football doesn’t work out he can always go back to The Roots Crew.

James Hardy- The wideouts this year scare the hell out of me and I wouldn’t touch any until late round one. The nearly 6’6” Hardy would be the first one I’d take. After watching him abuse Justin King this year, I was sold. I’m not sure he’s a true number 1, but I see flashes of Plaxico in this kid, right down to the character concerns.

Joe Flacco- So let me get this straight, I’m supposed to use a late first rounder on a kid that couldn’t win the starter job at Pitt and had to transfer to Maryland’s Canada to play? He’s no Rich Gannon, especially when Henne, Booty, and Brohm are in the same range. Doesn’t “Joe Flacco” just sound like a bust? Mark my words: in three years, you'll find him permanently glued to a bar stool in Dewey Beach with Gino Carmazzi, hitting on a couple of leathery skanks who still remember him from his days as a Blue Hen.

Antoine Sausage Cason- very underrated corner. I think he belongs with the first round crop, especially with his special team ability.

Devin Thomas- Just one year of major college football mean that as a top 15 pick he scares the shit out of me. Plus Devin Thomas sounds like a below average NBA 12th man.

Derrick Harvey- love this kid like I loved Jarvis Moss last year. I think he’ll be a pro-bowler.

Rashard Kids in the Mendenhall- I can't in good conscience endorse a Big Ten runningback… but once again, I love this kid. He’s slippery and put up FU numbers all year including against a great SC team that was keying on him during the Rose Bowl.

Frank Okam- An underrated great sleeper. Like he literally goes into a state of inactivity and metabolic depression every winter. I hope the Skins grab him late.

OK, this is taking forever, lightening round:

Ryan Clady- pro: baby fat, con: baby strength. Bust.

Brandon Flowers - Underrated, should be a good pro.

Leodis McKelvin from Troy- Sylvester Morris on line one.

UTEP's Oniel Cousins? Naa, close friends.

Phil Merling- not a real person, no one, I mean NO ONE, had heard of him before the draft process started.

Limas Sweed- belongs in last year's all-name draft. Great upside, love him as a second rounder. Poor Man's Roy Williams. Dude's named Limas.

Fred Davis- Decent actual tight end, underrated fantasy tight end.

Mario Enron Manningham- costing himself more money than Gilbert Arenas.

Pat Sims- big man, big fan.

Xavier Adibi- sounds like someone I'd like.

Erin Henderson- when healthy he or she is fantastic.

Chris Johnson- Trung Candidate, but awesome to watch:




Anyway, that's all for 2008. Sorry for the belatedness. As always, in Kiper we trust...

Blame Canada?

While I realize that blog seems to have a decided NFL, MLB, and (thanks to Jeff's American Idol blog) effeminate vibe. I wanted to keep everyone apprised on one of the most entertaining/under-rated times of the year. The NHL playoffs are here, and I think its time we look past the rambling, nonsensical Canadian announcers, the mullets, and perhaps grow a playoff beard or board someone into a cubical. Still I know most of you, and America, won't...and the pertinent question is why? The sport is fast, skilled, and encourages fighting. It takes the better parts of football and soccer and combines them. While a lot of it might be that none of us ever play hockey (while we do play football, baseball, and basketball), I believe the league and the sport made some bad decisions. Here are my reasons why the NHL is under-viewed:

1) The NHL lockout, which resulted in an entire season being canceled, was a painful blow to a suffering league. The sport was already in trouble, with ESPN looking for a reason to get out of its coverage, and the NBA available to replace the NHL. Further, unlike baseball or football, the NHL did not have the same place in American culture. Think about how long it took the MLB to recover from their lockout (some would argue that its still recovering somewhat). Baseball had a storied place in the American psyche. People have fond memories of going to games with their Dad's, and dream of taking their kids to the games in the future...and it still took years to recover. The NHL was Canada's sport, that happened to be played in the US. What chance did it stand to recover?

2) The NHL got too big for its britches (I have been waiting to use those words in a sentence for years). Expansion into markets where people would prefer to watch cars drive around in circles, has condemned transcendent talent like Alex Ovechkin, and Ilya Kovlachuck to relative obscurity. Consider: Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, Alex Ovechkin, and Rick Nash (WATCH THIS ONE, GOAL OF THE YEAR) represent one of the finest crop of young players in the history of sport (any sport). Ovie v. Crosby could (should be) Magic v. Bird...but only one city really cares...and Pittsburgh and Washington are not exactly LA and Boston. Put in other terms, the NHL currently has 3 Lebron James's (Crosby, Ovechkin, and Malkin), yet is being shown on Versus, leading into men who may or may not live in trailers fighting each other in steel cages. Which is a nice lead in to my next point...

3) The NHL is currently being shown once weekly on NBC, and a few times a week on Versus. We are all graced with a chance to see Ovie on Comcast, but in other parts of the nation, the best you get is maybe a minute clip at the end of a ESPNews Hour. How the mighty have fallen. Once upon a time you could watch all the games on ESPN, and Fox would broadcast the playoffs and Stanley Cup. Now, Versus shows a couple of the playoff games, and if you want to watch others you are relegated to listening on XM radio.

4) NHL fans and announcers are just too goofy, and coverage of sport lacks the seriousness and levity of MLB and NFL coverage. I blame this on the fact that 90% of the announcers are Canadians. Has anyone ever seen Strange Brew...Canadians aren't meant to be serious.

So that's it...and I know that none of you will listen, but if you get a chance check out a playoff game. I think you will like what you see.

You Get the Ankles and I'll Get the Wrists...

It's come down to this. Tristan H. Cockcroft is openly mocking the Baltimore Orioles. It's a sad, sad day for Orioles fans when even the fantasy writers are beating up on this once-proud franchise. I can take this kind of abuse from, say, Joe Sheehan, but Cockcroft??? C'mon, buddy. C'monnnnn, buddy. I'll occasionally take your fantasy advice, Tristan, but don't you pick on my Orioles. Seriously, stay the hell away from my Birds. I know they'll suck this year. I know BP projected them to win 57 games, and the aforementioned Mr. Sheehan wrote that they're the "worst team in the league." And, in the same article, he wrote, "Other than the Orioles... there are no really bad teams in the AL." And he wrote, "I would rather give up bacon for the rest of my life than watch even an inning of Oriole baseball this year." OK, I made that last one up, but you probably believed it for a second, right? You get the idea: Orioles = Terrible.

Nevertheless, catching flak from a fantasy writer--a guy who lives in a 5x5 world where team wins and losses mean next to nothing--is a new low. It's the equivalent of Pat Sajak berating a 'Wheel of Fortune' contestant for mispronouncing a word. Or Laura Bush ripping on Colin Powell for lying to the UN Security Council. What's next? A 10,000 word manifesto from the ghost of H.L. Mencken illustrating everything wrong with the Oriole franchise? A 'Fantasy Sleepers' article written by Peter Angelos? (This Kershaw slumbers. I shall waketh him). Yeesh.