Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Home Run Scurvy

I used to think that ESPN’s Jayson Stark was a fairly reasonable man. Then I read this, in which Stark breathlessly berates A-Rod for skipping the Home Run Derby. This section is particularly inept:

“Some day, A-Rod wants people to watch him walk down the street and say, ‘There goes the real home run king.’ Well, we hate to break it to him, but real home run kings think the Home Run Derby is part of their job description, not somebody else's problem.”

Allow me to make three points about the Home Run Derby:

1. The Home Run Derby is part of no one’s job description.

A professional baseball player’s job description looks something like this:

a. Show up before the game starts.
b. Try not to be drunk. (Hungover is OK).
c. Hit the ball and/or play your position according to your abilities.
d. Don’t test positive for drugs more than, like, seven times.
e. Some drugs are OK.

Nowhere in the MLBPA Collective Bargaining Agreement does it say anything to the effect of, “Thou shalt risk injury by participating in a glorified marketing stunt just because some ESPN columnist thought it would be really cool.” (In fact, the Home Run Derby is mentioned only once in the MLBPA Collective Bargaining Agreement, and it has to do with an agreement with ESPN that one of the player interviews during the telecast will focus on MLB “Trust activities.”)

2. If you are older than ten, then you do not care about the Home Run Derby. This is a scientifically proven fact. A few years ago, in a little-known experiment, a group of scientists showed 500 ten year old boys a tape of the 2002 Home Run Derby. The boys went wild. They thought it was the coolest thing ever. Tons of home runs! Loud music! Players laughing and joking around with each other, just like regular folk! Awesome!

The scientists then showed each boy the same tape on his 11th birthday. Here’s a sampling of the boys’ responses:

Boy 17: So they just, like, keep hitting home runs, right? Is that it?

Boy 212: How is this any different than batting practice?

Boy 333: Are there gonna be boobs in this video? ‘Cause that would be awesome.

Boy 467: Why are you at my birthday party?

Admit it, Jayson. Your argument boils down to this: Your inner child was hopelessly excited about the possibility of watching A-Rod hit a bunch of home runs. That’s it, right? And afterward, Mommy was going to take you to Friendly’s and let you get TWO ice cream sundaes! And fries! And a milkshake! Because it’s Home Run Derby day!

It’s your fantasy, my friend.


3. Avoiding the Home Run Derby will do nothing to tarnish A-Rod’s resume. A-Rod could retire tonight and still get voted into the Hall of Fame on every ballot. Ten years from now, when people talk about the best players to ever play the game, A-Rod’s name will come up. The fact that he avoided the 2008 HRD will not. How many Home Run Derbies did Hank Aaron participate in? How about Willie Mays?

Stark also supports an unnamed team official’s theory that A-Rod is avoiding the HRD because of the recent Madonna scandal. Stark writes, “He's afraid of not winning. He's afraid of being ripped in the tabloids. He's afraid of hearing it's all Madonna's fault.”

Um, seriously? You think A-Rod is losing sleep over the fact that some drunken Yankee fans might serenade him with an impromptu performance of ‘Material Girl’? Have you forgotten that A-Rod plays in Yankee Stadium, like, every night? And that he gets booed there, like, all the time? And that the tabloids rip on him, like, every day? Remember “Stray-Rod”?



Now it’s my turn to theorize: A-Rod is inured to the boos. Like most professional athletes, he has no particular allegiance to the city where he plays his home games. Steinbrenner signs his paychecks, and A-Rod goes home each night and rests his weary head in his palatial Manhattan apartment. That’s the extent of his connection to New York. He wants the Yankees to win, no doubt, but only because he’s a competitor who plays a game for a living in which overall team success is measured by wins and losses – not because he drank the Yankee Kool-Aid (“Now with 25% more Mystique!”) and he now bleeds for the Bronx and shits pinstripes.

And, perhaps most unbelievably, in an effort to disprove the “Derby Curse,” Stark suggests that three former Derby champs -- Ryan Howard, Cal Ripken, and Andrew Dawson -- actually “used the Derby as a springboard to win an MVP award.” A-Rod hasn’t participated in the HRD since 2002. Since then, he’s won three MVP awards. That pretty much shoots your theory to hell, huh, Jayson?



* Note: As I’m typing this, Josh Hamilton is depositing baseballs on the moon. Everyone seems to be having fun, and Milton Bradley is actually smiling. I take back everything I said about the HRD. The HRD is awesome.

Monday, July 14, 2008

This Does Not Look Good for the NBA



Disgraced NBA Referee's Phone Calls to Second Ref Raise Questions

So, Davey, is Tim Donaghy still a "rogue, isolated criminal"? Inquiring minds want to know!

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

The Greatest Music Video Ever Made

Watch this video as soon as you can.

http://www.vimeo.com/1223566

Special thanks to one John O. for this truly spectacular link.

Blog Blog Blog

Remember when we had a blog, and we posted stuff on it and commented on the posts and stuff? Yeah, those were good times. Ahhh, memories... Yesterday... all my troubles seemed so faraway... We had a blog and it was super-cool... Oh, I believe in blogs and stuff...

Well, it's time to recapture the glory. I'll lead the way with a series of "back to basics" posts designed to get the ol' blog juices flowin' again. But first, some music to get you back in the blogging spirit. (If Liquid Swords doesn't motivate you to get that ass bloggin', then nothing will).


On to the post:


Ryan's Mid-Season Fantasy Baseball All-Star Team

(Yes, I'm aware that every fantasy baseball site has done some version of this. Mine is different because it's based on player values in our awesome 47x23 league):

C Geovany Soto (Streakier than bacon, yes, but he gets the edge due to draft position)

1B Adrian Gonzalez (although Pujols in round 2 still looks pretty good)

2B Chase Utley (The first person who taunts me with a "Where's Howie Kendrick?" comment gets a plastic bag full of angry bees in the mail...)

3B Chipper Jones

SS Hanley Ramirez

OF Lance Berkman

OF I can't decide whether to put Sizemore here, or Holliday. Sizemore leads the AL in dongs, and 40/40 is still within sight. Holliday missed some time and he's still raking, with an OPS of 1.000+. Plus he's running more. Fuck it, I'll go with Grady Sizemore. He's living up to a draft position that I felt was too high at the time (12th overall).

OF Josh Hamilton (Yeah, I traded for him at peak value. And yeah, he's only hitting .273 for my team. But he's in the Home Run Derby, bitches, so fuck ya'll. Home. Run. Derby. Last I checked, only SUPERSTARS get invited to that party...).

U Dan Uggla

U Ian Kinsler

U Corey Hart


SP Tim Lincecum (Yeah, I traded him. Shut up. Just shut up).

SP Edinson Volquez (Hit a bump in the road recently, with 11 earned runs and more walks than Ks over his past three starts, but he has otherwise been filthier than Duquan).

SP Ben Sheets

RP Francisco Rodriguez (K-Rod mashed after a shaky April. The only thing that can stop him now is if Bobby Thigpen goes Gillooly on him. Or if he has some other sort of non-Thigpen inflicted injury or something. Not to jinx him or anything, Ebner. [it should be noted that I have an irrational amount of love for Bobby Thigpen]).

RP George Sherrill (I love you, George, but I hope the Birds trade you while your value is inflated. Milwaukee needs a closer, and Baltimore could use another prospect to help them in their run to the World Series in 2011).

RP Kerry Wood (Drafted in the 19th round; surrounded by a ton of questions going into the season; has thus far silenced any concerns).

P Cliff Lee (or Ervin Santana)

P Zack Greinke (it's tough to leave the perpetually-underrated Roy Halladay off this list, but Greinke was a 24th-rounder [acquired by the Chipperbot via trade] and his 13 Quality Starts, 96 Ks, and decent WHIP make him an absolute steal that late in the draft)

P Scott Kazmir
(I just really love Scott Kazmir. Question for the O's fans: Is it wrong that I love the Rays almost as much as I love the Orioles?)


So who am I overlooking here? Should it be Doumit instead of Soto? Who have I overhyped? Should Milton Bradley be on this list? How about Longoria? Pat the Bat?

Blog Blog Blog...