This is the first in what may or may not be a weekly recap of American Idol. Now I recognize that I’m blurring the line of dude-acceptability here, but a wiser man than me once said that “watching American Idol with your spouse is a requirement of cohabitation”. That being said, I’m now fully immersed in my second straight season of Idol and all legitimate excuses have gone the way of the dinosaurs.
If you’ve tuned in before and been bored out of your mind know that this season is different. The most important change is that contestants can use instruments, so it’s not purely a singing competition. The other key difference is that there are some genuinely rockin’ dudes and at least one solid female, all of who are legitimately talented, and not in the teeny-bopper sense. Believe me, I was once like you: scared, skeptical, and a little hungry, but I have been converted. Look, I’m not saying it’s the best show on TV, but it’s not the worst either. What I’m saying: American Idol is TIVO-worthy.
To recap the season to date. There have been two “scandals” this season. One was the revelation that one dude was previously an “entertainer”, like, in the biblical sense. Biblical as in the part about Sodom. You remember Sodom? The sinful city? The one where the Lord made fire rain? Well this dude danced on other dudes laps for Andrew Jacksons. The other disclosure was that contestant Carly Smithson previously had a record deal. To some this took away from Idol’s “authenticity”, to me it really didn’t matter. Record deal or not she’s really not that good. I say fair play to the cover band singer that duped some record execs into a large contract.
[Let me use this space to complain about the only egregious error by the judges so far: the omission of Josiah from the top 24. This Keane- and Travis-clone has bounced back signing a record deal with Warner Brothers. This pretty much proves the judges were misguided. I genuinely liked his music and it looks like he’ll get an opportunity regardless.]
The theme for last night’s show was music from the year you were born. If you ever want to feel really old realize that a bunch of these contestants were born in 1987 and one in 1990. 19 f'n 90? Wasn’t that like eight years ago? But not to worry, despite the plethora of good songs to come out in 1987 (you basically have six from Joshua Tree alone) none were chosen and the older contestants (born in 1983 or earlier) pretty much dominated.
Ramiele Malubay- the only thing you really need to know about this girl is that she sobs hysterically when someone gets eliminated. When I say hysterically I mean you would’ve thought her mom killed her dad on a houseboat and her dog drowned while trying to swim to safety carrying the last Klondike bars on earth. This coupled with the annoying reality that she cannot sing, perform, or otherwise hold your attention longer than 10 seconds, unless sobbing hysterically, means she’ll be gone in the next three or four weeks. She sung a Heart song that I never heard before, also known as every song by Heart. Result? Fast Forward TIVO.
Jason Castro- he’s the one with the dreads (read: frequently logs on to chron.com). Last night was his birthday, like Ramiele he’s an ’87, and he was borderline comatose. It was obvious to everyone that Castro was "celebrating" with the band backstage (cough). He sang a Sting (verb, present tense) song I never heard before. Besides his dreamy eyes, I’m really not sure what this kid offers that any decent singer in a bar on a Saturday night doesn’t? He seems like a likeable dude (yes, Cuban B), but in no way an incredible music talent. Result? Listen, yawn, agree with the judges (not Paula… never Paula).
Syesha Mercado- competing for the most forgetful performer with Ramiele, but Ramiele cries, like, a ton. Not much to say about her. She’s almost always a fast forward. A 1987 as well, she sung “If I Were Your Woman” by, um, who cares. Syesha could strip naked mid-song and re-clothe by the end and I’d have no idea. Result? Check remote batteries, then fast forward for awhile.
Chikezie Eze- I know what you’re thinking: dude’s name Chikezie, Jeff’s gonna love him? Well you’re exactly right. Look, he’s really not that good, but I’m convinced his Dad is Desmond Tutu and he does some really cool arrangements with the songs. Check out this bluegrassed version of the Beatles She’s a Woman. Rockin’ right? Anyway, last night this 1985 birthday sung "If Only for One Night". Let’s just say there was no bluegrass, no yelling, no funk, and only one shot of his Nobel-winning father. I hope the dude makes it, but he could be in trouble. Result? We want the funk.
Brooke White- So we’ve reached the portion of the show where legitimate contestants sing. Brook’s voice is so similar to Carly Simon’s she’s almost a cover act. She was a 1983 birthday (the year of our lord) and was the first one to sing a good song “Every Breath You Take” by the Police. Brook has stage fright, and once again she was a little nervous, but her voice hit a couple “god damn that’s nice” notes and she will be safe tonight. Result? Like a wing eating contest: great at the beginning, somewhat regretful by the end, but only somewhat.
Michael Johns- He’s the good-looking Aussie who either sounds great or terrible. Tonight the dude born in 1978 again dropped some Queen on us, this time the song from Mighty Ducks, and it was really good. Result? Solid.
Carly Smithson- this is the girl with the record deal. I’m telling you she’s a good cover band singer. 1983’s “Total Eclipse Of The Heart” was without key Wedding Crashers lyrics. Result? Meh.
David Archuleta- A name you need to know. This dude will probably win. Despite his age, he’s extraordinarily talented. What else you need to know? He’s LDS and always gives you the feeling he’s trying to convert the heathens. Also, apparently his Dad is insane (like Mary Pierce’s Dad insane, not cool Earl Woods insane) I feel this is relevant because it seems like his Dad completely controls everything in his life, like last night he sung a song called “You're The Voice” by John Farnham. I’m not sure if it was a religious song, but man it sure felt like it. Now I recognize he was born three years ago in 1990, but the kid needs to grow a pair and stand up to dad, it’s not like he’s Desmond Tutu or anything. Result? Uncomfortable.
David Cook- this dude is ROCKIN. A couple weeks ago he sung the best Lionel on Vinyl since Ryan and I got hammered playing Trivial Pursuit while drinking homemade beer from a Pepsi bottle and started belting out Lionel Richie songs to every answer until his parents just started skipping our turn. He did a pretty rockin’ version of Eleanor Rigby a couple weeks back. David Cook also has the unique ability of being both fat and skinny. Last night he sung Billy Jean that was way cooler than the original. Result? Rock on dude.
Kristy Lee Cook- going into this week I kind of liked Kristy Lee. Despite her hokey and sometimes painful performances I thought she had untapped potential. Then she reads the Karl Rove playbook and sings Lee F'n Greenwood’s “Proud to be an American”. Implication: If you don’t vote for me you hate America, the troops, Teen Wolf, and peanuts in the shell. The worst part of it all? Kristy straight nailed that song up. It was by far her best performance to date. So while she sung a song that made me uncomfortable at age six, she smartly locked up fly over country and surely survives another week. Damn you Karl Rove, is there any contest you can’t affect?! Result? Angry, but impressed.
With TIVO you can plow through an entire episode in 20 minutes or so. In doing so you get somewhat up on pop culture, you’ll be entertained, and every once and awhile you actually have a pleasant music experience. So now that I've sufficiently ruined any man-cred I had from my draft preview, join the watercooler discussion, you know the one with all the girls and dudes that don't like sports. It's not as bad as you think.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Falling for Idol
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Sit and Reach
The following is a completely subjective, selective, and far too long review of last week's fantasy baseball draft.
Round 1
1 Jose Reyes - Ebner
2 David Wright - Wilson
3 Alex Rodriguez - Jay
4 Matt Holliday - Bri
5 Hanley Ramirez - Ryan
6 Chase Utley - Evan
7 Miguel Cabrera - Jeff
8 Jimmy Rollins - Jon
9 Prince Fielder - Paul
10 Ryan Howard – Emery
Notable Pick: We have to discuss A-Rod falling to 3 and Reyes going first. I guess I see the logic that with Joe Kings you win steals and do well in triples, but man… you can choose anyone and to get a guy with 12-15 homers, 60 ribs, and an OPS of less than 800 just doesn’t make sense to me. As for Wright I love the guy, we all do, but A-Rod just fell into your lap at #2 and besides a couple more steals (let’s not forgot A-Rod swiped 24 last year) what does Wright give you besides youth? A-Rod beat him by 24 homers and 50 rbis, even if that gap narrows won’t there still be a gap? A-Rod will probably regress, but it also seems like he’s getting more and more comfortable in New York. I like the bravery, but this may be an overthink?
One pick I love is Cecil’s boy going 9th. He gets unfairly grouped in with Howard and his 200 strikeouts, but it’s scary to think Prince's numbers should improve over last year, probably not homers, but everything else. This was a somewhat unconventional pick, but I really like it.
Ryan's Pick: I had Hanley at #2 on my draft board, so I was happy to see him still there at 5. I briefly considered taking Utley, but opted instead for one of the few legit 40/40 threats in the league (OK, more like 30/40). SS is not as thin as in years past, but the chasm separating the top tier from the second and third tiers is a huge one (although the same could be said of 2B—much more so, even, since it’s a top tier of one). I agree with the assessment that Hanley’s stolen base totals will likely drop this year while his power numbers will likely trend upward (particularly if he bats 3rd). Last year’s somewhat lofty .353 BABIP could portend a drop in BA this season, too, although his speed helps to blur the line between Lucky and Good.
Jeff's Pick: Miguel’s in a worse hitter’s park, but a significantly better lineup. I think those veterans keep him in line and he doesn’t have a month like August last year, especially since his team will be relevant late, unlike last year. I had Cabrera as fifth overall, ahead of Utley and Reyes, so I was happy it was him and not one of those two that fell to me at 7. I think he’ll win AL MVP this year. Plus, he’s still got Carmelo Anthony-like baby fat, which is something I’m always looking to add.
Round 2
11 Johan Santana - Emery
12 Grady Sizemore - Paul
13 Brandon Phillips - Jon
14 Albert Pujols - Jeff
15 Ryan Braun - Evan
16 Carl Crawford - Ryan
17 David Ortiz - Bri
18 Alfonso Soriano - Jay
19 Vladimir Guerrero - Wilson
20 Carlos Lee - Ebner
Notable Pick: I’m as big of a Sizemore fan as there is, OK, maybe that’s not true, but while he’s probably a first round pick in a real baseball draft, due to his age, leadership, and defensive ability, is he really a fantasy star? Eric Byrnes went 55 picks later, and while I think he’s due for a marked regression and Sizemore should improve, I just don’t see Sizemore as the fantasy stud he’s often labeled. So while I love Paul’s pick of Prince in Round 1, I’m not a fan of Grady at 12. Prince and Pujols or Braun would’ve been a scary one-two.
Ryan's Pick: I wanted Pujols. And then I wanted Braun. Turns out Carl Crawford was behind door #3. Not a bad consolation prize, though—particularly if this is the year of his long-awaited, oft foretold power surge. However, if Crawford merely repeats last year’s stats, then I effectively drafted Shane Victorino eight rounds too early.
Jeff's Pick: I debated between Pujols and Braun but in the end I thought that passing on Pujols could’ve been fatal. Braun’s 162 game projection based on what he did last year is silly, but if you figure Pujols’s basement is what he did last season, he’s still a second round pick. If he recaptures his 2003-2006 form, then I just picked the Tomlinson of fantasy baseball after Brandon Phillips. There’s the obvious chance he doesn’t finish the year due to his bum elbow, but I’ll cross my fingers and hope the scheduled off days get him to 140 games. I had Braun pre-ranked one spot ahead, but couldn’t pass on Albie, and in hindsight I’m glad I didn’t.
Round 3
21 Jake Peavy - Ebner
22 Ichiro Suzuki - Wilson
23 B.J. Upton - Jay
24 Mark Teixeira - Bri
25 Carlos Beltran - Ryan
26 Lance Berkman - Evan
27 Alex Rios - Jeff
28 Curtis Granderson - Jon
29 Erik Bedard - Paul
30 Derek Jeter - Emery
Notable Pick: This round pretty much went according to script. Granderson seems like the guy most likely to slip, and that was before his injury over the weekend, as his value is artificially propped up by those finicky triples. I’m sure Jon saw his three spring triples and four dongs and thought “Granderson and Rollins means I’m done worrying about triples” and pulled the trigger. I think he should’ve continued his sordid love affair with Magpipes.
Ryan's Pick: Classic panic pick. I’ve never been a Carlos Beltran fan. He’s a batting average liability, a perennial injury risk, and his speed numbers are overblown. Besides, after drafting Hanley and Carl, speed should not have been a consideration when I made this pick. I want a do-over.
Jeff's Pick: I really, really wanted Rios, although would’ve been forced to take Fat Elvis if Evan passed on him. I debated passing on Rios, and waiting for him in round 4, but he and Tulo were two players I targeted and knew I couldn’t get both if I passed on Alex here. This probably was a half round reach, but Magglio was the only other player I really considered here.
Round 4
31 Magglio Ordonez - Emery
32 Nick Markakis - Paul
33 Justin Morneau - Jon
34 Troy Tulowitzki - Jeff
35 Manny Ramirez - Evan
36 Travis Hafner - Ryan
37 Aramis Ramirez - Bri
38 Victor Martinez - Jay
39 Brian Roberts - Wilson
40 Derrek Lee - Ebner
Notable Pick: Derrek Lee quietly had a nice return from a devastating 2006 injury with an OPS of .913. Brian Roberts is going to steal 50+ bases; otherwise he may never see second base as a member of the worst O’s lineup since 1988.
Ryan's Pick: Risk/reward. His ceiling is 40/120 with a 1.000 OPS. His floor is Carlos Delgado, circa 2007.
Jeff's Pick: I always lean Coors-field heavy and it’s never bitten me back, unlike their beer. I think Tulo joins that list of top shortstops this season. Again, probably a half round reach, but he wasn’t making it back to me in Round 5.
Hey Ry, remember Eric’s theory that only famous people drank Coors (Bill Russell, Barry Sanders, Elway)? I wish Eric was still with us.
Round 5
41 Garrett Atkins - Ebner
42 Chipper Jones - Wilson
43 Cole Hamels - Jay
44 Corey Hart - Bri
45 Hunter Pence - Ryan
46 C.C. Sabathia - Evan
47 Chone Figgins - Jeff
48 Josh Beckett - Jon
49 Brandon Webb - Paul
50 Adam Dunn - Emery
Notable Pick: Chipper Jones had a season worthy of a late first round pick. I really like that pick. And Emery, way to pick the Number 1 Dunner. I’m not a fan, but honestly, you have Ryan Howard, so fuck it.
Ryan's Pick: I was on tilt after Bri apparently read my diary and nabbed Corey Hart one pick prior to mine. Still, Pence is a solid third outfielder. No complaints here. Pence has shown good plate discipline at all levels, he hits for some power, and he has decent speed. Plus dude walked through a glass door, which bumped him up like 17 spots on my draft board when I sorted it by Weird Injuries (Jermaine Dye will stay at the top of this list until a better player gets bitten by spiders). [and, on a side note, the Houston Chronicle’s web address is http://www.chron.com/??? I bet the folks over at High Times didn’t let that go without a fight]
Jeff's Pick: Hunter Pence to Jermaine Dye to Lionel Simmons, done. Homeless Ichiro has never been on my team before and I’m hoping I’ll be able to ride out his dry spell long enough to reach the rainy season (see May, then June). I needed speed with average and figured I could sacrifice some power. Homeless Ichiro might even be generous. To clarify I’m not talking harassing, somewhat together, still able to score the good shit homeless, I mean legless ‘Nam veteran that’s stooped to signs like “I could sure use a beer” homeless. The Chone Experiment is going to go swimmingly or end in tragedy like the Konerko Calamity of ’07, there’s no in between.
Round 6
51 Justin Verlander - Emery
52 Carlos Guillen - Paul
53 Adrian Gonzalez - Jon
54 Ryan Zimmerman - Jeff
55 Jonathan Papelbon - Evan
56 Howie Kendrick - Ryan
57 Torii Hunter - Bri
58 Carlos Pena - Jay
59 Chris Young (OF) - Wilson
60 Francisco Rodriguez - Ebner
Notable Pick: Chris Young was a classic Wilson pick. Raw player, scary in parts, but brimming with upside; 30/30 is a very real possibility. Carlos Guillen was a nice pick too. His numbers are eerily similar to Todd Helton’s but at a more power-scarce position.
Ryan's Pick: I know what you're thinking: Holy crap, can that be right??? Does that really say HOWIE KENDRICK in round 6?!? Shouldn't there be a 1 in front of that 6?!? Look, I know I took him too early. But I like Howie Kendrick this year, and when we dudes like someone, we tend to do irrational things in order to showcase our affection. We spend exorbitant amounts of money on temporary things, like flowers and chocolate. We venture bravely into stores like Papyrus and Victoria's Secret, unsure of our surroundings and equally unsure of what we're there to buy. We make mix tapes with songs like "Lay Lady, Lay" on them. We propose to our girlfriends on JumboTron. And we draft unproven one-category players many rounds too early. We do these things in the name of love. And, if we're lucky, we don't regret them later. And if Kendrick wins the batting title this year and hits 40+ doubles and goes 15/15, then let this blog post serve as your Save The Date for the Kendrick/Smith wedding in 2009. But if he gets hurt again, or he spends the entire year hitting in the seven spot, then I’ll rue the day that I gave my heart to Howie.
Jeff's Pick: Well I’ve been saying for three years that the Nats will be 10-15 games better and the offense will score 20% more runs the minute they move out of the Anacostia Cement Pond, so it’s time to put my money where my leagues is.
Round 7
61 Joe Mauer - Ebner
62 Brian McCann - Wilson
63 Miguel Tejada - Jay
64 Robinson Cano - Bri
65 Todd Helton - Ryan
66 Russell Martin - Evan
67 Eric Byrnes - Jeff
68 Vernon Wells - Jon
69 Bobby Abreu - Paul
70 Jorge Posada - Emery
Notable Pick: Vernon Wells was hurt all year last year, for all us Vernon fans, I hope he recovers because I have some reaching to do next year.
Ryan's Pick: In standard 5x5 roto leagues, Todd Helton’s value has plummeted over the past few years. He no longer hits for power, he’s never been a threat on the base paths, and his days of scoring 120+ runs are over. But in our league, I think he’s still worth a top-10 pick. Despite the decline in HRs, Helton’s OPS remained solid last year thanks to his 42 doubles and .434 OBP. Plus he’s a virtual lock to hit .300+. Still, a slight reach on my part.
Jeff's Pick: As detailed earlier his numbers were in line with a second rounder. I think a regression, perhaps significant, is likely, but I think he slipped a round too far and makes a great value pick here. Plus, as Bri says, he’s baseball’s Cooley.
Round 8
71 Brad Hawpe - Emery
72 Ian Kinsler - Paul
73 Jeff Francoeur - Jon
74 Aaron Harang - Jeff
75 Dan Haren - Evan
76 Michael Young - Ryan
77 Carlos Zambrano - Bri
78 J.J. Putz - Jay
79 John Smoltz - Wilson
80 Nick Swisher - Ebner
Notable Pick: Brad Hawpe was picked about 20 spots above his ADP and yet I love the pick. Look, Brad Hawpe’s a pretty good player that happens to play at the stat-inflating Coors Field, but like Cole and his thumbs, stats don’t care.
Ryan's Pick: I’ve always liked Michael Young. I can’t explain it. He’s like Ecto Cooler, or a particularly smelly wheel of Stilton cheese. There’s funk there. Discernable, detectable, downright sniffable funk. And yet here I am, sitting by my computer, munching away on some Stilton and crackers, thirsting for a cardboard box full of the Ecto, and staring at Michael Young’s name in my second UTIL spot. How did he steal my heart? Was it last year’s .783 OPS? Was it the drastic, Giambi-esque drop in HRs over the past three years? Whatever it was, I’m hoping for a bounce-back this season. And I think he’ll deliver.
Jeff's Pick: Surely a member of MLB’s All-Ugly team, Harang is the White Chocolate with almonds to Ty Hill’s Special Dark. I’ve wanted Harang for two years, and even moreso this season. I was happy the starters generally fell and I didn’t really overpay for him. I almost took Smoltz, but at 40 years old and already a little banged up, I thought Harang was the smarter play. I’m really going to need him to deliver on my questionable rotation.
Round 9
81 Joe Nathan - Ebner
82 Huston Street - Wilson
83 Billy Wagner - Jay
84 Takashi Saito - Bri
85 Tim Lincecum - Ryan
86 Jason Bay - Evan
87 Delmon Young - Jeff
88 Scott Kazmir - Jon
89 Francisco Cordero - Paul
90 Bobby Jenks - Emery
Notable Pick: Here's what stands out the most to me about the demise of Jason Bay:
2005: 101 walks and 21 steals
2006: 109 walks and 11 swipes
2007: 59 walks and 4 steals
Until proven otherwise, the Jason Bay Project is on hold.
Ryan's Pick: I managed to hold off until round 9 to draft a pitcher, and I think my patience was well-acquitted here. Lincecum had two brutal months last year, but he otherwise pitched like a future star. And, based on his Yahoo picture, he’s 12 years old. Wait, this is a keeper league, right?
Jeff's Pick: I really didn’t think I’d land Lil’ Meat Hook, but his upside was too intriguing at the end of round 9. I think his power and speed really improve this year and hopefully his plate discipline will as well. He’s gonna get every chance to put up numbers on the worst Twins team in years. He also strikes me as the guy most likely to fill the troubled athlete void that’s never been properly satisfied since Latrell and Randy Moss sailed out of town.
Round 10
91 Roy Halladay - Emery
92 Matt Kemp - Paul
93 Mike Lowell - Jon
94 Shane Victorino - Jeff
95 Rafael Furcal - Evan
96 Chris Young (P) - Ryan
97 Fausto Carmona - Bri
98 Felix Hernandez - Jay
99 Jacoby Ellsbury - Wilson
100 Javier Vazquez - Ebner
Notable Pick: He’s slated for a platoon, but if the Dodgers trade Pierre or Ethier, Kemp will slide into a full time role and straight-up MASH. And while we’re here, a quick note on Juan Pierre: He’s a somewhat serviceable later-round fantasy player, and that’s really where my interest begins and ends with him. Still, it’s positively insane that the Dodgers willfully refuse to play their best players. Kemp is illmatic. Next year, after Juan Pierre gets kidnapped by Junior and Kemp is assured a starting spot in the OF, I’m totally reaching on him. Kendrick-style.
Ryan's Pick: I’ve clearly entered the “load up on pitchers” phase of my draft strategy. Not much to say about Chris Young that hasn’t already been said: when he’s healthy, he’s solid. Great home park, really tall, went to Princeton, blahdee blahdee blah.
Jeff's Pick: Does the Flying Fruit Fantasy do anything that Byrnes and Figgo don’t do? Probably not. But this speed guy doesn’t strike out and could be great trade bait come June. So while he’s slightly redundant, he was the top player on my board and I stuck to it. Plus Hawaiians have been doing well lately; one might win the presidency and my buddy Nelson (born in Honolulu) received five free car washes with the purchase of his ’05 Corolla.
Round 11
101 Daisuke Matsuzaka - Ebner
102 Yovani Gallardo - Wilson
103 James Shields - Jay
104 Francisco Liriano - Bri
105 Roy Oswalt - Ryan
106 Jose Valverde - Evan
107 Adrian Beltre - Jeff
108 Kenji Johjima - Jon
109 Ben Sheets - Paul
110 Placido Polanco - Emery
Notable Pick: I really love Shields. Polanco was a solid pick, but I probably would’ve gone with Kelly Johnson at 2B instead. Valverde seems due for a major regression. Mr. Sparkle is gonna be a lucky best pitcher for you Ebner.
Ryan's Pick: Oswalt’s K totals have declined in each of the past three seasons. He posted the highest WHIP of his career in 2007, and he now has Miguel Tejada roaming around at shortstop instead of Adam Everett, which is the defensive equivalent of replacing a Porsche 911 with the Trojan Horse. Still, I’ll happily take Roy as my #3 starter. Why? Well, he’s good. Not great anymore, but good. Even in an off year, his numbers were still solid. He’s dependable. And dependability in a pitcher is tough to find. And, on a side note, have you ever taken a look at his career line against the Cincinnati Reds? The Reds are the Washington Generals and Roy is Meadowlark Lemon:
Jeff's Pick: We meet again Adrian. Two years after swearing off Bats in the Beltre I’m back on the wagon. Look, I’m not expecting anything better than 25-100-.280, but I’m not expecting anything worse than 20-85-.270. He was a safe pick, but necessary insurance with my third basemen playing in Southeast with Frank Lucas and Bumpy Johnson.
Round 12
111 Gary Sheffield - Emery
112 Jim Thome - Paul
113 Raul Ibanez - Jon
114 Dustin Pedroia - Jeff
115 Paul Konerko - Evan
116 Alex Gordon - Ryan
117 Kelly Johnson - Bri
118 Jermaine Dye - Jay
119 Joakim Soria - Wilson
120 Hideki Matsui - Ebner
Notable Pick: Great picks by Paul, Evan, Bri, and Ebner. Johnson and Konerko in particular. Ebner, we appreciate the Matsui pick, he was moving too close to the top of our queues for comfort.
Ryan's Pick: Yep, I waited too long to get a third baseman. Gordon’s projections are all over the map, and the odds of him improving drastically on last year’s sub-par numbers seem slim. Still, he showed improvement in the second half last year, and, um, he hit the hell out of AA ball… and that counts for something, right? Right???
Jeff's Pick: First egregious reach on my part, but a guy I was dying to have. BP had him as the 43rd player overall and that, coupled with his scrappiness, clearly led to my irrational exuberance. Irrational or not, I’m still going to somewhat justify this pick with the fact that he struck out just 42 times last year in 520 ABs and the likelihood that he’s going to lead-off for a scary offense. Sure the pick was a reach, one I didn’t need to make in this round, but I get the feeling that I won’t regret drafting Pedroia.
Round 13
121 Dan Uggla - Ebner
122 James Loney - Wilson
123 Mariano Rivera - Jay
124 Andruw Jones - Bri
125 Rickie Weeks - Ryan
126 Kosuke Fukudome - Evan
127 Chad Cordero - Jeff
128 Rafael Soriano - Jon
129 Evan Longoria - Paul
130 Aaron Heilman - Emery
Notable Pick: Rafael Soriano is illmatic. His sore elbow is a concern, but his upside makes him worth the risk here. I like Loney a lot, too. Tough luck on Evan Longoria-Parker getting sent down, but still—round 13 was far too early.
Ryan's Pick: If Keith Law and the good folks over at BP are right and 2008 turns out to be Midnight Rickie's breakout year, then I'll look back on this pick and smile. Otherwise, I’m looking at a .250 avg and a bunch of missed games.
Jeff's Pick: Prediction: the Nats win 10-15 more games and Cordero’s save numbers approach his ’05 total. Plus, with Robert Parish no longer Relief Pitcher eligible, he was the best Chief on my board.
Round 14
131 Kevin Youkilis - Emery
132 Matt Capps - Paul
133 Manny Corpas - Jon
134 John Lackey - Jeff
135 Aaron Rowand - Evan
136 Matt Cain - Ryan
137 Trevor Hoffman - Bri
138 Brett Myers - Jay
139 Joba Chamberlain - Wilson
140 Edwin Encarnacion - Ebner
Notable Pick: If Myers makes a smooth transition back into the rotation, then Jay likely got a 200 K pitcher at a solid discount. I’m not an Aaron Rowand fan. He’s Randy Winn, only ten rounds earlier.
Ryan's Pick: Solid, by-the-book pick. It came down to Cain or Rich Hill, so I naturally went with the guy with the higher WHIP who happens to play for a team that could conceivably lose 100 games this year. MONEYBALL!
Jeff's Pick: He’s out until May, I probably don’t start him until June, but the guy is an ace and would’ve been my AL Cy Young pick pre-injury. I’m happy stashing him until the solstice.
Round 15
141 Johnny Damon - Ebner
142 Jeremy Hermida - Wilson
143 Rafael Betancourt - Jay
144 Carlos Marmol - Bri
145 Brad Lidge - Ryan
146 Rich Hill - Evan
147 Josh Hamilton - Jeff
148 Heath Bell - Jon
149 Jonathan Broxton - Paul
150 Josh Fields - Emery
Notable Pick: Rich Hill could be a top-10 pitcher this year. Betancourt, Marmol, and Lidge will not. No matter how well they pitch.
Ryan's Pick: I avoided the temptation to take a middle reliever here, opting instead to roll the dice on Lidge. At first glance, Philly seems like the wrong place for a homer-prone guy like Lidge to pitch, but Minute Maid ain’t exactly Petco, and he thrived there for years. And when he eventually manages to limp his way to the mound this year, he’ll be a good source of Ks. His K/9 numbers stayed solid in ’06 and ’07 even as everything else blew up around him, and his WHIP dropped considerably last year. If he’s healthy, he’ll be fine. I see no reason why he can’t save 30+ and strike out 100+, which would make him an outright steal this late in the draft.
Jeff's Pick: I was on tilt from the Rich Hill pick, a guy I was dying to have, but I have to admit, I love Hamilton. The injury question mark looms like Captain Bringdown after an acid-induced trip down the yellow-brick road, but I see Hamilton and Texas meshing like weed and cheese curls or ecstasy and hypercolor. Count ‘em: five drug references.
Round 16
151 Jon Rauch - Emery
152 Chad Billingsley - Paul
153 Hideki Okajima - Jon
154 Dustin McGowan - Jeff
155 Jason Isringhausen - Evan
156 B.J. Ryan - Ryan
157 Kevin Gregg - Bri
158 Ryan Garko - Jay
159 Eric Gagne - Wilson
160 A.J. Burnett - Ebner
Notable Pick: AJ Burnett is in a contract year. He’s coming off a solid, if somewhat-quiet, season in which he posted more than a K per inning and a 1.19 WHIP. He’s always had talent. If he can stay off the DL—and it’s a big IF—then look out.
Ryan's Pick: Again, risk/reward. BJ’s a potential steal here. Or, he’ll be a total bust and I’ll regret passing on Burnett, and, six months from now you’ll find me slumped over my couch with an empty bottle of whiskey in my hand, mumbling about what might’ve been. I could’ve drafted AJ Burnett and, a few rounds later, I could’ve drafted BJ Ryan and CJ Wilson. And then, in the football league, I could’ve drafted DJ Hackett and EJ Henderson while wearing my FootJoys and reading the Grand Junction Daily Sentinel. But you’ll punch me in the mouth before I get to HJ Fong.
Jeff's Pick: I suppose it’s time to draft pitchers that will start before June, eh? Employ the 100% guaranteed underrated break-out pitcher draft-a-tron 2000 (sample size: 1). Last year Shane’s sober brother held opponents to an OPS of .644 (!) and righties hit just .198 off him (1.02 WHIP). Post All-Star break he was filthy, especially since ’07 was his first year as a starter. I love him versus any number 3 in the majors.
Round 17
161 George Sherrill - Ebner
162 Pat Neshek - Wilson
163 Juan Pierre - Jay
164 John Maine - Bri
165 Geovany Soto - Ryan
166 Carlos Delgado - Evan
167 Orlando Cabrera - Jeff
168 Pedro Martinez - Jon
169 Jeremy Accardo - Paul
170 Tim Hudson – Emery
Notable Pick: An unglamorous round, Pedro could get off to a sneaky star before breaking down. It wouldn’t surprise me to see him in the All-Star game. John Maine is having a ridiculous spring, I like that pick as well. Neshek is lights-out, and he'll step seamlessly into the closer's role if the Twins trade Nathan.
Ryan's Pick: Not much to say. PECOTA loves Soto, and I’m somewhat fond of the guy, too. I targeted him going in, and managed to get him without reaching too much.
Jeff's Pick: I felt like I could wait on a couple of my undervalued pitchers so I decided to buffer against a sophomore slump from Tulo. Cabrera and Renteria lasted far too long, and while both have limited upside, I really like Cabrera in the underrated hitter’s park of New Comiskey. 20 steals, nearly 200 hits, and less of an injury risk than Renteria made him an unglamorous but solid pick. Cabrera really never hurts you.
Round 18
171 Aubrey Huff - Emery
172 Jarrod Saltalamacchia - Paul
173 Oliver Perez - Jon
174 Ian Snell - Jeff
175 Clay Buchholz - Evan
176 Kelvim Escobar - Ryan
177 Yunel Escobar - Bri
178 Willy Taveras - Jay
179 Jeremy Bonderman - Wilson
180 Michael Cuddyer – Ebner
Notable Pick: Escobar could provide a nice return here for Bri, and his position flexibility is key (Escobar's position flexibility, I mean. Not Bri's. Bri can play anywhere on the diamond). And as much as I love to see Orioles get drafted early and often, Aubrey Huff does not belong on anyone’s fantasy team, not even in an AL East-only league.
Ryan's Pick: Good value, and Kelvim’s injury doesn’t seem to be particularly serious. I wanted Snell, though.
Jeff's Pick: On the one hand I see the 2007 Jeremy Bonderman, on the other I see Erik Bedard. Snell has improved each year and while the Pirates don’t exactly inspire confidence, I love his upside and could see him contributing for me on a bad team like Bedard last year. Until he proves it I probably won’t pitch him as much as some of the older pitchers I’ll take later, but he strikes me as the type of pitcher that could flourish as the ace of a team like Bedard.
Round 19
181 Joaquin Benoit - Ebner
182 Kerry Wood - Wilson
183 Adam LaRoche - Jay
184 Adam Jones - Bri
185 Justin Upton - Ryan
186 Tony Pena - Evan
187 Troy Percival - Jeff
188 Adam Wainwright - Jon
189 Brian Wilson - Paul
190 Brandon Lyon - Emery
Notable Pick: Tony Pena belongs with the elite holds/peripheral pitchers like Betancourt, Okajima, and Heath Bell. Nice pick by Evan. Adam Jones's speed coupled with the fact he’ll get every opportunity to shine, makes him only a modest Orioles reach, which is always the goal; well done Bri.
Ryan's Pick: I actually love this pick. In hindsight, I probably should’ve drafted Milledge or another closer, but Upton’s upside (my band) made him tough to ignore. He’s probably a year or two away from fully contributing, but round 19 is “I’m five beers deep so I’m gonna pull the trigger” country, meaning that Justin Upton has officially replaced LaTroy Hawkins as everyone’s favorite “I’m five beers deep so I’m gonna pull the trigger” draft pick.
Jeff's Pick: I agree with PECOTA that the “Rays” show a monster improvement in 2008 (22-wins more? Perhaps) which makes Percival the classic OK pitcher with gaudy save numbers, see Joe Valverde in 2007. He’s boom or bust, but I’m thinking/hoping the former.
Round 20
191 Ken Griffey Jr. - Emery
192 Phil Hughes - Paul
193 Bob Howry - Jon
194 Ivan Rodriguez - Jeff
195 Brad Penny - Evan
196 Ted Lilly - Ryan
197 Rich Harden - Bri
198 Scot Shields - Jay
199 Lastings Milledge - Wilson
200 C.J. Wilson - Ebner
Notable Pick: Rich Harden has filthy stuff; and I think either he or Ben Sheets will be a Top 10 pitcher next year. Milledge has the CF job all to himself and should benefit from the move from Shea to a (presumably) better hitter's park. Nice pick. And call me Dutch Daulton, but I think Phil Hughes is the only draftable Yankees starter.
Ryan's Pick: Potentially one of my best picks of the entire draft. Lilly’s BABIP was .270 last year, compared to .292 in 2006 and .296 in 2005, so he’s likely due for a slight regression. But he posted solid K totals and a ridonkulous WHIP, and when I saw that he was still there on my draft board in round 20, I felt the same way that OJ must’ve felt when he saw this woman on the jury: everything’s gonna be alright.
Jeff's Pick: Despite approaching his 75th birthday I actually don’t see a regression out of Pudge and think the addition of Renteria and Cabrera makes him even more valuable, especially when he hits from the top of the order versus lefties and while Granderson is out. OK, if I’m being honest I couldn’t justify my annual reach on Leo Gomez making Pudge the best 1991 Topps All-Star Rookie available.
Round 21
201 Billy Butler - Ebner
202 Nick Johnson - Wilson
203 Frank Thomas - Jay
204 Edgar Renteria - Bri
205 Kevin Kouzmanoff - Ryan
206 J.J. Hardy - Evan
207 Joe Blanton - Jeff
208 Jeff Kent - Jon
209 Akinori Iwamura - Paul
210 Pat Burrell - Emery
Notable Pick: Aside from the player Philly fans, um, cleverly refer to as Patricia Burrell I thought this was a great round. The first two picks: Nick Johnson and Billy Butler could end up being key contributors for good teams. With Nick likely securing the first base job, I get the feeling if we did this draft again, he’d go 7 rounds higher. Regardless of whether that’s justified, Wilson just arbitraged a mid-round pick in round 21.
Ryan's Pick: This was my “Oh crap, Alex Gordon is my starting third baseman?!?” pick. I happen to like Kouzmanoff a lot this year. Last season, after an abysmal April, he redeemed himself with solid production the rest of the way. Plus he raked in the minors. Also, it’s worth noting that Kouzmanoff has already locked up the award for this year’s Most Useless Yahoo Fantasy Note. After the draft, my internal monologue went like this: Should I hold onto Kouzmanoff? Or should I drop him for some holds, or for a guy like Garret Anderson? I wish I had some sort of note or piece of information to help me make an informed decision here… And then Yahoo stepped up and dropped some motherfuckin’ knowledge on me in the form of this little chestnut:
Mar 20 3B Kevin Kouzmanoff was back in the air Wednesday afternoon three days after returning from China. But instead of spending 13 hours on a commercial airliner, Kouzmanoff went for a flight with former World Aerobatic champion and 2006 Red Bull Air Races champion Kirby Chambliss in Casa Grande, Ariz.
Thanks, Yahoo. Decision made.
Jeff's Pick: Joe Blanton was a guy I knew I’d get. Not my typical high K/IP pitcher, but a horse who is stepping up to the #1 starter spot in a pitcher-friendly ballpark. Call me Carl Everett, but I really don’t think that a Dan Haren type year is out of the question. Along with M. Cabrera and my closers, my squad is shaping up to be the most rotund since my ballyhooed Fernando’s Fat Friends team of 1996.
Round 22
211 Dontrelle Willis - Emery
212 Brian Fuentes - Paul
213 Gary Matthews Jr. - Jon
214 Derrick Turnbow - Jeff
215 Derek Lowe - Evan
216 Kazuo Fukumori - Ryan
217 Colby Rasmus - Bri
218 Hank Blalock - Jay
219 Jered Weaver - Wilson
220 Randy Johnson - Ebner
Notable Pick: This was a pretty ugly round. I’ll begrudgingly give Jered Weaver, the Angles opening day starter, the nod here.
An aside, is anyone else mad that Dontrelle didn’t invite Meat Hook to his wedding? I mean how else do you explain that he still needs a gravy boat?
Ryan's Pick: Fukumori is in line to get some saves, and I don’t trust CJ Wilson, Benoit, or Guardado. But upon closer inspection, it appears that Fukumori had, like, one good year in Japan. My prediction? He’ll be on waivers by Memorial Day.
Jeff's Pick: I know Turnbow, um, turns the stomach, but I trust Gagne as much as I’d trust any 32 year old French Canadian steroid user coming off of second half with a 6.57 ERA and WHIP of 1.8. The Brewers will be good and Turnbow is going to get a lot of saves or hold chances. I love his K/9 and, to be honest, Brynesie need a smoking partner.
Round 23
221 Conor Jackson - Ebner
222 Jay Bruce - Wilson
223 Joey Votto - Jay
224 Andy Pettitte - Bri
225 Randy Winn - Ryan
226 J.D. Drew - Evan
227 Josh Willingham - Jeff
228 Ryan Spilborghs - Jon
229 Zack Greinke - Paul
230 Elijah Dukes – Emery
Notable Pick: Conor Jackson and Greinke are the best of the bunch, but Bruce and Votto could contribute this year. For what it’s worth, Elijah Dukes has homeless Chris B. Young potential.
Ryan's Pick: Decent late-round value, I guess, but c’mon—he’s Randy Winn. There are a dozen guys just like him on waivers. I should’ve taken Greinke or Borowski.
Jeff's Pick: Didn’t really like the pick when I made it, I almost took Greinke, and should have. Willingham is undistinguishable from about five other Marlins. I’ve already sent him packing for holds.
Round 24
231 Joel Zumaya - Emery
232 Austin Kearns - Paul
233 Dmitri Young - Jon
234 Joe Borowski - Jeff
235 Chien Ming Wang - Evan
236 Mark Teahen - Ryan
237 Russ Springer - Bri
238 Rick Ankiel - Jay
239 Tom Gorzelanny - Wilson
240 Manny Delcarmen - Ebner
Notable Pick: Ankiel. 30-HR potential. Not bad in round 24.
Ryan's Pick: I like Teahen. Heck, I liked him enough last year to draft him in the 13th round. He was a trendy breakout pick back then. He’s not even remotely trendy now. Some sleepers are best described as hibernators.
Jeff's Pick: JoBo adds to my ever expanding roster. I went in with a buy cheap saves strategy and stuck with it. I trust the guy as much as I’d trust any one named Borowski, but he’s the closer (for now) on a 90-win team; good value in my opinion.
Round 25
241 Matt Lindstrom - Ebner
242 Stephen Drew - Wilson
243 Ryan Theriot - Jay
244 Bengie Molina - Bri
245 Felipe Lopez - Ryan
246 Henry Owens - Evan
247 Todd Jones - Jeff
248 Jeremy Guthrie - Jon
249 Aaron Hill - Paul 
250 Ryan Freel – Emery
Notable Pick: This was actually one of the better final rounds in recent memory. Aaron Hill and Todd Jones could’ve gone 3-4 rounds earlier. Lindstrom and Drew are serviceable. Guthrie had a few moments of brilliance last year.
Ryan's Pick: Heh Heh. Heh. Waivers.
Jeff's Pick: Ditto re: Borowski.
-A Ryan and Jeff Joint.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Cheering for a loser...
As we approach another baseball season, I feel a certain optimistic gloom. You would think after 15 years of feeling the same thing every April 1st, I would learn to cope, but hope is a strange thing…and at the start of every MLB season the Pittsburgh Pirates are tied for first in the division.
This season is particularly depressing. The Pirates are on the verge of accomplishing something no one else in MLB history has ever done; they are about to embark on their 16th consecutive losing season (tying the Philadelphia Philles). Consider that for a second. In the last 15 years, even the Kansas City Royals (the MLB's other poster child for a losing franchise) managed a winning season.
The closest thing to a happy baseball memory I have had in the last 15 years was when the 1999 Pirates were actually in the division race in September (they had the lead at the break). That team finished 78-83, third in the division, despite having a payroll of $ 24 mil, and a "star" in Tony Womack.
After that season, there was hope. Then things fell apart. From the previous link, I give you: “First off, the Pirates must decide if Aramis Ramirez is ready to be the everyday third baseman next season. If they decide he is, case closed.” They decided he wasn’t. A series of inexplicable moves, and horrible drafts later, and we find the Pirates where they are now, starting from scratch again, hoping to rebuild the teams from the early 90’s.
Not since Francesco Cabrera broke my heart in 1992, have the Pirates tasted the post-season. The last championship was in 1979 (much to my satisfaction, given my fellow bloggers' allegiances, the win came against the Orioles, so at least I have that going for me). Gone are the days of Stargell, Bonds, Clemente, Van Slyke, and even Spanky Lavalier. Replaced with the fantastic mediocrity of Jason Bay, Adam Laroche, and Freddy Sanchez.
The worst part is, the fans are still coming to watch the games, as Pirate tickets are going like hot cakes. From Bob Smizik of the Pittsburgh Post Gazette, in Fans waging fight against way Nuttings do business:
“What will be remembered as a six-day perfect storm of Pirates ineptitude, on and off the field, began the first full week of this month. On June 5, clearly for financial reasons, the Pirates passed in the draft on switch-hitting catcher Matt Wieters, the best player available for them. The following Friday, Saturday and Sunday, they played amateurish baseball in losing three in a row to the New York Yankees, embarrassing themselves and the game on the sport’s grandest stage.
The organization and the players had come close to hitting rock bottom, and the reaction was predictable. Media outlets were deluged with e-mails, phone calls and letters from outraged and/or frustrated fans. Some outlets said they had never seen the likes of it.
But back home the following Tuesday, the Pirates, facing the last-place Texas Rangers, played to a crowd of 21,158, an increase of 34 percent over their previous largest Tuesday crowd this season. On Friday, 26,647 paying customers came out to watch the next-to-last-place Chicago White Sox. It was the second-best Friday crowd of the season. The next night, they played to their best Saturday crowd of the season, 36,610, which was a sellout. The next afternoon the attendance was 26,830, 11 percent higher than their previous Sunday best.
So much for outrage and frustration. It certainly gives credence to the belief of John Steigerwald, a KDKA sports anchor who long has called Pirates fans suckers for blindly supporting what has been a bad product for 15 seasons.
We can only imagine Bob Nutting, the team’s principal owner, rubbing his hands in glee as the turnstiles clicked furiously for his bad team and profits continued to pour in.”
Believe it or not, the Pirates were rated the third most profitable franchise according to a Forbes study realeased in 2007 (based on 2006). Here was the Pirates response. The study stated that the Pirates operating income -- earnings before interest, debt and taxes -- was $25.3 million. No doubt, the product of having the third lowest payroll in baseball, and a brand new park to which fans flock.
It will be a sad day for me on April 30th, when the Pirates are 10 games out of first and mired in a 5 game losing streak, and hope once again is gone. But in the words of Barney Gumble, “Don’t cry for me …I am already dead…”, well at least until next April.
Monday, March 17, 2008
In Honor of March Madness...
I present to you, Animal Kingdom Madness. Many moons ago in the midst of an NCAA tournament of old, a man named Ryan A. and I were discussing what could be the elite eight of the animal world. This of course turned into a discussion of how awesome a 64-animal tournament would be. We brought in a few other great minds, most notably Chris I and Chris T, and proceeded to come up with 65 animals that would compete for the greatest prize of the animal kingdom. Before I present you with the final overall seedings and the bracket, here is an overview of the rules in no paticular order:
- No exclusively water animals.
- No flying animals.
- Humans allowed, and for our purposes, take the human at his/her peak performance level.
- Humans not given any tools/weapons. The point isn't to even the playing field, it's to find out who is the most badass of our world's natural creations.
- All fights take place in an octagon. But whatabout the elephant you ask? Its a freaking huge octagon.
- In fights where there is a venomnous animal, if the venomnous animal inflicts a wound but is then killed before the opponent is affected by the venom, we immediately step in with an anti-venom.
- Similarly, each animal can receive medical attention between rounds, but they are not "good as new" at the beginning of each fight. So if the Elephant beats out the Lion, but not until it has chunks taken out of it, we can stop the bleeding and prevent it from dying, but he'll be feeling the hurt in the following rounds of battle. While you may think it possible for both animals to sustain fatal wounds, keep in mind we have a medical staff made up of the most well respected vetrinary people out there, so we are confident no deaths will occur between rounds.
- Pack animals are not allowed to fight in packs. This is exclusively a one-on-one tournament.
- The 4 of us (RA, CI, CT, myself) ranked each of the 65 competitors and then took the average rankings as the overall rankings.
- Molly is CI's 5' nothing, ~100 lb, significant other. She wanted her shot at kicking some animal ass on account of her hatred for the Cheetah vs. Ray Lewis in an octagon debate that CI started long ago. At one point this was the only thing that CI was capable of talking about at a family wedding reception and is the focal point of the first tattoo I would get if I had a job where it was acceptable to have neck tattoos (Ray on one side, octagon in the middle, cheetah on the other side). Unfortunately I think Molly has an early exit coming as she drew the Polar Bear in round one, a really physical opponent with a lot of size and a pretty good half-court attack as well as a great overall defense. Just a really well-rounded competitor.
- The Super Lion is basically just a bigger/faster/stronger lion than you are used to thinking about.
- The Kodiak Bear is simply a Grizzly Bear from Kodiak Island notorious for being the most badass Grizzly Bear.
- The Black Mamba is the snake, not Kobe Bryant.
1 Rhinoceros
2 Super Lion
3 Elephant
4 Bengal Tiger
5 Hippo
6 Polar Bear
7 Kodiak Bear
8 Jaguar
9 Leopard
10 Gorilla
11 Crocodile
12 Cougar
13 Black Bear
14 Cheetah
15 Bruce Lee
16 Black Mamba
17 Alligator
18 Anaconda
19 Bull
20 Moose
21 Mike Tyson
22 Andre the Giant
23 Panda Bear
24 King Cobra
25 Chuck Liddell
26 Pit Bull
27 Wolf
28 Bison
29 Hyena
30 Ray Lewis
31 Doberman
32 Baboon
33 Rattle Snake
34 Orangutan
35 Wolverine
36 Elk
37 German Shepherd
38 Coyote
39 English Mastiff
40 Lynx
41 Ox
42 Badger
43 Komodo Dragon
44 Clydesdale
45 Jackal
46 Warthog
47 Kangaroo
48 Yak
49 Wildebeest
50 Tasmanian Devil
51 Fox
52 Walrus
53 Ostrich
54 Scorpion
55 Gila Monster
56 Deer
57 Porcupine
58 Raccoon
59 Molly
60 Black Widow
61 Cock
62 Tortoise
63 Armadillo
64 Penguin
65 Iguana
Black Bear vs. Cougar
Cougar vs. Lynx
Lion vs. Snake
Tiger vs. Croc
Lions vs. Elephant
Tiger vs. Leopard and Leopard vs. Python
Polar Bear vs. Walrus
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
A Few Words on Brett Favre, Tecmo Bo, and a Colossal Squid
I was never a huge Brett Favre fan.
I’ll readily acknowledge that he was a great NFL quarterback—one of the best. And I’ve long-admired the guy for his toughness, and for the way he seemed to elevate his play during times of intense mental anguish and physical pain. And, in a somewhat non-sexual way, I’ve always enjoyed his impossibly grizzled features:
Look at that face. Sweet Jesus, you could light a match on that stubble. And that chin, my God, you could clear brush with that thing. It’s like Michelangelo himself carved it out of, I don’t know, a bigger chin or something.
Oh, man. Whew! Where was I? Oh, right. Football. Anyway, I also took immense pleasure in the way that Favre announced his retirement: on Chris Mortensen’s voicemail.
“Mort! It’s Brett! Where the hell are ya, man??? Bubba’s here, D-Drive just showed up, and Frogger got here at, like, noon. They got dollar MGDs, and Bubba’s playin’ that video poker game where the chick gets naked. Oh, and I’m retiring. Get your ass down here, man! Peace!”
But aside from admiring Favre for his ability to sling a football with finger-breaking velocity, and aside from my aforementioned totally non-sexual, one-dude-to-another appreciation for his rugged good looks, I never really fell head-over-heels in love with the guy like so many other football fans did over the years. Maybe it’s because I made the mistake of drafting him in multiple fantasy leagues in 2005 and 2006, which seemed to coincide with Favre evidently telling himself, Fuck all this touchdown throwin’, it’s time for some interceptions!* Or maybe it’s because, through no fault of his own, Favre became the media’s darling, and I simply grew tired of hearing about how great he was during every Packer telecast, even if the team was losing and he had just thrown his fourth interception.
Still, he was pretty darn good at football. And now that he’s retired, his place among the all-time greats will be debated on bar stools and across the airwaves for, well, all time. However, there’s no debating his place in the pantheon of video game quarterbacks. Brett Favre was, without question, the greatest quarterback in Tecmo Bowl history.
And I’m talking about all Tecmo platforms here. But before you cyber-punch me in the comments section, please know that I’m aware of the fact that Favre was not in the original Tecmo Bowl. He was, however, in Tecmo Super Bowl for the Super Nintendo—my Tecmo of choice—and it was there that he achieved 32-bit immortality.
I've played countless TSB seasons with the Packers over the years, resulting in two misshapen thumbs and a trunkload of memories. Here are a few of my passing records, all courtesy of Brett Favre. (Yes, I wrote my records down. And yes, I kept them. Of course I did. If you held a gun to my head right now and asked me where my wedding photos are, I’d be a dead man. But my Tecmo records are right where I always keep them, in the drawer by my bed):
1,036 passing yards. In a game, son. (5 minute quarters)
12 passing TDs, game
10,335 passing yards, season
96 passing TDs, season
God damn, those are some beautiful stats. Really, they’re so fantastically gorgeous, so wildly impressive, so utterly radiant, that they’ve moved me to take this rant one step further. I may have to dodge a few lightning bolts as I type this, but here goes: Brett Favre was the greatest player in Tecmo history. Not just the greatest quarterback. The greatest player. Tecmo Brett Favre was better than Tecmo Bo Jackson. Yep, I said it. Go back and read it again. Hell, read it three times. Tecmo Brett Favre was better than Tecmo Bo Jackson. Did I just blow your mind? I think I did.
Look, Tecmo Bo was amazing. He could go from end zone to end zone and break every tackle and score at will and beat Contra without using the 30-man code and swim the English Channel with an anchor around his neck and play the solo to Free Bird with just his left testicle and a broken ukulele. But, at some point, Tecmo Bo the phenomenon superseded Tecmo Bo the player**. Tecmo Bo became a celebrity. He started popping up all over YouTube (most notably in this admittedly amazing clip). He even showed up in a Simmons column or two, the Us Weekly of the sports world. Suddenly, it seemed like everyone had a Tecmo Bo story—and they all sounded the same. All anyone wanted to talk about was how many tacklers Bo could avoid, instead of how many touchdowns he could score. Tecmo Bo became a caricature, known more for his antics than his production. Bo had Jumped the Shark, or Climbed Awkwardly Over the Dolphin, or Leapt Mightily Above the Outstretched Tentacles of the Colossal Squid, or whatever the kids are saying these days to describe something that’s been distorted by unattainable hype.
Tecmo Favre, meanwhile, was quietly putting up F-You stats to the tune of 600+ yards and 6 TDs per game. And isn’t that why we play video sports games? To accumulate ridiculous, otherworldly stat totals?
Now, I realize that the original Tecmo Bowl did not keep track of player stats. And I realize that, in addition to his ability to dance around tacklers, Tecmo Bo could certainly put up some illmatic numbers. And some of you may be reading this and saying, “This is ludicrous! You can’t compare a quarterback’s stats with a running back’s stats!”
Well, in Tecmo you can. The Standard Tecmo Stat Accumulation Guidelines go like this:
Pick a team. Pick a player on said team. Devote the entire season to accumulatin’ the hell out of some stats with said player on said team.
Balanced team scoring is not the goal, unless you're aiming for the Jon Thompson Trifecta: leading the league in passing yards, rushing yards, and receiving yards. But I don’t “spread the ball around” in Tecmo. I don’t “get everyone involved.” When I start a new season, I pick a player and I ride him all the way to Stats Town. And it doesn't matter if that player is a quarterback, a running back, or a wideout. A Tecmo player’s capacity for statistical output is not restricted by the real-life limitations of his position. Anyone can put up F-You stats. I’ve accumulated 800+ yards in a game with an RB (Thurman Thomas). I’ve scored double-digit touchdowns with an RB, too (yep, Bo). But there’s only one player in my long and storied Tecmo career who has ever put up 1,000+ yards and a dozen TDs in a game. And only one player who has ever amassed 10,000+ yards in a season. And only one player who, based solely on those virtuoso Tecmo performances, made me question my singular devotion to Darrell Green, my favorite real-life football player. I’m not talking about the Thurmanator. And I’m not talking about Bo. I’m not even talking about QB Chiefs .
Maybe I’m a Brett Favre fan, after all.
* To be fair, Favre is only partly to blame for my fantasy league losses. They were, after all, the Aaron Brooks Years.
** The same thing, of course, happened with the real Bo Jackson. Although the devastating hip injury certainly didn’t help things.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
(Foot)Ballroom Blitz, or Celebrity (Pig)Skin
As the first wave of NFL free agency comes to a close, it is time to look back and reflect in the only way I know how. Since I just played the Endless Setlist on Saturday with a fellow blogger and a friend of the blog, I have nothing but Rock Band on the brain. As such, I give to you the headlines and highlights of the first few days of free agency as told through the soundtrack of EA's Rock Band.
First in my heart and mind, as always, is the Philadelphia Eagles.
Philadelphia Eagles - Signed cornerback Asante Samuel to a six-year contract
Enter Sandman by Metallica
Hush, Lito baby, don't say a word. And never mind that noise you heard. It's just big, bad Asante Samuel coming to take your job and all of your monies.
Buffalo Bills - Acquired defensive tackle Marcus Stroud from the Jacksonville Jaguars for undisclosed draft picks.
Black Hole Sun by Soundgarden
Chicago Bears - Resign Lance Briggs
Run to the Hills by Iron Maiden
"Enslaving the young," Check (Franchise tag anyone?). "Destroying the old," Check (poor Muhsin Muhammad). Unfortunately for Sir Briggs-a-lot (get it? Lance? Lance Briggs? Hilarious!), he was forced to run to the hills and back to his old franchise after the Bears quite literally "chas[ed] the Redskins back to their holes / Fighting them at their own game."
Green Bay Packers - Announced the retirement of Brett Favre
Epic by Faith No More
No comedy here. We will never see another football player to rival this man.
Atlanta Falcons - Released Warrick Dunn
When You Were Young by The Killers
It's true. He doesn't look a thing like Jesus.
Pittsburgh Steelers - Signed Ben Roethlisberger to an 8-year contract extension
Highway Star by Deep Purple
Sorry, Ben (both of you)... I had to do it...
New England Patriots - Resigned Randy Moss to a 3-year contract
Should I Stay or Should I Go by The Clash
This after word came out that the Eagles made a run at the most electrifying receiver of the last decade, only to be rebuffed. Randy instead decided to take a pay cut in order to continue setting the league on fire with his pretty boy quarterback. Eh, who can blame him. Who doesn't want to kiss Tom Brady on the mouth?
Oakland Raiders - Signed Javon Walker to a 6-year contract
Flirtin' with Disaster by Molly Hatchet
This is actually Al Davis' theme song, but my inclusion of it was really just a flimsy pretense to throw this album cover up on the blogaroo... 
Alright, there are plenty more that I could do, but this post has already taken far, far too long to write. Just ask Wilson. Feel free to make additions in the comments, because I could seriously do this all day. And I did. That day was yesterday. Here is the list of songs. Go crazy, I implore you.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Oriole Magic
This sucks. However, I’m not too surprised to learn that the Orioles undercut—and, in the process, pissed off—their top performer. I mean, sports is a business, right? Superior performance at minimal cost is a no-brainer, right? And if, say, Goldman Sachs* could underpay their top-performing investment banker while locking him (her?) in to a year-long contract, they’d do it in a heartbeat, right? Um, yeah, except if Goldman pulled that stunt with their top banker, (s)he’d raise both middle fingers in the air and gesture toward the phone and say: “I have Steve Cohen on line 1, and John Paulson on line 2. Either you pay me what I’m worth, or I’ll pick up one of these two phone lines and talk to someone who will.” Fuck You. Pay me.
And mark my words -- that’s exactly what will happen here: Markakis, the most-productive Oriole of the past few years, will remember this when it comes time to negotiate a new contract. When this contract expires, he’ll remember that Baltimore underpaid him. And he’ll have leverage. And some other team out there will arbitrage the shit out of this self-imposed market inefficiency, and the Orioles will lose a future All-Star. And, selfishly, my dream of a Nick Markakis/Adam Jones outfield will die a premature death. And the Orioles will continue to suck. And I’ll ask myself, again and again, Why do I still cheer for this team?
*This is not to say that the Orioles are the Goldman Sachs of MLB. Quite the contrary. The Orioles are more like Drexel Burnham—a once-proud group of people who, through their own greed and stupidity, managed to ruin what was once a good and profitable thing.
2007 NFL Draft Preview Redux
(Thanks to Rob for digging this out)
The combine is over and individual workouts are in full-swing. I have yet to receive a job offer from the Browns, Skins, or even ESPN (Merrill Hoge is yelling at me again). A look back at my 2007 draft preview might do the trick. Some hits, some misses, some TBD. Enjoy!
If the flowers are out, the NBA playoffs are down to the best 28 teams, and there's an outdoor drinking advisory in the forecast, it can only mean one thing... it's NFL draft season!
On its face this years draft class seems pretty underwhelming. Further inspection shows that it's not a horrible draft, but looks to be very top-heavy. The usual list of suspects make up the top 10 picks; Lions, and Cardinals, and Browns (oh my!). There also looks to be some cusp teams that with a good draft could really do some damage this coming season. Let's take a look at the best 2007 has to offer:
Top Offensive Players
1) Cal Johnson: a no brainer (Kiperism #1). He's long (#2), has separation speed (#3), is a work-out warrior (#4), and his tears cure cancer. NFL scouts talk about him the way Eastern Europeans talk about blue jeans. (Speaking of which, at what point does a top prospect get a restraining order against Jon Gruden? Every year roughly the same story comes out: Senior Bowl, physical specimen, Gruden gushing. Cadillac Williams hasn't yet recovered). Look at the Cal's college numbers: 1,200 yards and 15 TDs last year, now realize his college QB was Reggie Ball. If you don't follow college football, and therefore don't know how bad Reggie Ball was, just think about how many good QBs historically were named Reggie, and then realize this Reggie was bad even when compared to other QBs named Reggie (I am going to destroy my Reggie over/under this year). The ironic thing is, of course, that the Lions would be fools to pass or trade a player of this ability, even with 26 wide receivers on their roster. But, Matt Millen's involved, so that's, of course, what will happen. It seems likely that the Bucs will move from #4 to #2 and Cal and Caddy can share their "what creeps them out most about Gruden" stories. Oh, they can also share their rookie of the year trophies.
(I'm mad at myself for not making a "So Calvin, you own McDonald's" joke. Seriously, I'm furious.)
2) Joe Thomas: boring pick? Yes. Ridiculously good. Oh yeah. Joe Thomas and Calvin are probably the only two guys in this year's draft that would've been in the top 10 of last year's draft. Two months ago the Cardinals needed everything to play out perfectly for them to get him at pick 5. Well, that now appears a virtual certainty. This pick should immediately make the Cardinals a top 5 offense, and ridiculously good offensively for a ridiculously long time. He also ensures someone in your fantasy football league will take Matt Leinart in round 3. As I said last year with D'Brick, I firmly believe that a franchise left tackle is the cornerstone to a great team. For some reason, the best left tackles are rarely on bad teams. I don't think that's happenstance. I think the Browns would be wise to take him third, even though their offensive line is more cursed than Mark Prior's elbow (or Griffey Jr.'s, um, everything). "Joe Thomas" just seems like a Browns' legend.
3) Adrian Peterson (can someone give this guy a cool nickname already?): ESPN.com recently ran a story that AP could've gone straight to the NFL from high school. For those that saw the U.S. Army All-American Bowl his senior year, you knew this already. He can go the distance on any play. He can run well between the tackles. He can carry an offensive when healthy. This is Peterson's problem. His collarbone is more fragile than Fred Taylor's groin (or Charlie Weiss' chair). This basically is the Cadillac Williams conundrum. Can he play a full-season? When he does, he'll be a star and his team will flourish. When he's hurt, his team will limp to a 5 and 11 season. The best case for AP would be to go to a team with a pretty-good back already in tow. Cleveland with Jamal "Halfway House" Lewis and Houston with Ahman "ruiner of my 2005 fantasy team" Green look like possible destinations. I think both teams could find a way to get this guy the ball, ala Reggie Bush and the Saints, and either would dramatically improve with him on their team. For Houston getting him at 10 would be a coup, and may save some front-office jobs in the wake of the Lamborghini Williams pick. My advice to a team drafting Peterson would be to not put all your eggs in his basket (See the 2007 49ers and Gore, Frank). By the way "ala _________ (player's name)" is Kiperism #5.
4) Too early for Ben Grubbs? Nope. Ben Grubbs: not a household name, unless your household regularly discusses the emergence of offensive guards as a previously undervalued NFL position, in which case, can you adopt me? In my opinion, Ben Grubbs is a guaranteed probowler. Guaranteed probowlers at guard are now worth (at least) $50M for seven years of service (I say at least because Leonard Davis just got this amount and has never sniffed Hawaii). An end of first round pick (where Grubbs is projected to go) typically gets 5 year deal worth about $7M total. Can you say: arbitrage? I should also mention that I've waited roughly twenty years to apply a Teddy Ruxpin themed nickname, and for Ben "Grubby" fits almost too well.
5) Dwayne Jarrett/JaMarcus Russell: I think these guys have gotten unfair treatment from NFL scouts, to JaMarcus' benefit and Dwayne's detriment. Look, I like JaMarcus. Dude's got huge hands (I'm told by everyone). A really cool name (America needs to start adding "Ja" to more names; we're at war people!). He can throw the ball 12 furlongs with his arms cut off. And his poop is considered currency in Argentina. I guess I've been fooled before by guys like JaMarcus. Byron Leftwich is the most obvious comparison, but there have been several physically gifted top picks whose gifts didn't translate to NFL production. But, I like JaMarcus. If I had a top 10 pick and was dead set on a QB, he'd be my guy (since Brian Brohm didn't come out). He was ridiculous in the Sugar Bowl against Notre Dame, but like Dice K's debut against the Royals, let's not put the guy in the Hall of Fame just yet. Dwayne Jarrett has had a much different scouting experience. Scouts look at him and see Mike Williams. They ignore the fact he averaged 70 catches and 14 TDs over his three years at SC. They ignore the fact he went against Leon Hall (supposedly the top CB in the draft) during the Rose Bowl and came away with 203 yards and 2 TDs. Look, the Mike Williams connection isn't a huge stretch, but for Williams it seems to be more of an attitude thing than anything else. If Dwayne falls to the end of the first round to the Chargers or Colts, we might as well pretend it's the NBA draft where the top teams watch bad teams pass over proven players until Dallas takes Josh Howard at pick 29, the Pistons take Tayshaun at pick 23, or Carlos Boozer sticks around till pick 35. So instead of comparing Dwayne Jarrett to Mike Williams, I'm comparing him to Josh Howard. In my mind they're now the same person.
Top Defensive Players
1) LaRon Landry: guys on LSU just have cool names (none cooler than Rohan "Baby Fat" Davey). To describe every impact safety it's mandatory you use the following words: rangy, versatile, ballhawking, and tackler. In fact, if you drink every time Kiper says "ballhawk" on Saturday, you'll be hammered by pick 25. LaRon is just an impact player. He's more in the Ed Reed mold, than the Sean Taylor mold. Although I imagine if he ends up a Redskin, there's an Eastern Motors commercial in his future. LaRon should end up at pick 6 (Skins), 7 (Vikes), or 8 (Falcons). While I love the guy, the Skins selection would be odd, given the aforementioned ATV Taylor. I guess this falls under the "best player available" mentality. I have trouble faulting that strategy, and honestly, I don't know why having two great safeties wouldn't work? I think he ends up a Falcon for some reason, giving them a very solid and young secondary.
2) Amobi Okoye: what you know: the dude is young (born in 1987!). There's a chance he's never even heard of Tecmo Bo Jackson, big league chew, 1986 Topps, or Oregon Trail. He will be a 20 year old NFL rookie with four years of major college football. Besides being young, you know he's an honest kid. Why? Unlike all but two top picks, he actually admitted to smoking the chron. What you may not know: knowing nothing about football his High School coach suggested he go play Madden to learn the game. I bet he loves QB Waggle. He's a bit of a roll of the dice, and I'm a bit confused on how he more than leaped Alan Branch, but Amobi appears to be a wunderkund and a great kid. I just can't see him not succeeding. He seems almost too good to be true, almost like Dwight Howard. Whether he succeeds or not, he's at least the second best Nigerian Okoye to play in the league, and if he's wearing maroon and gold on draft day, I'll finally be able to retire my LaVar jersey.
3) Jarvis Moss: screams classic, overlooked 'tweener'. By the way, we need to start using tweener in everyday speech. Like when you're at that level of good drunk where you shouldn't talk to girls and you know it, but you really don't care because you're too drunk? That's tweener drunk. I've said before that I usually do not like drafting DEs early in the first, just too much variability between the pros and college, however I do not hold tweeners in the same regard. There are too many great NFLers whose positions were questioned at draft time, from LT to Roids Merriman, so I do not view versatility as a bad thing. The guy is nearly 6'7" and officially 251 pounds, although I'm not sure if that was before or after he ate Troy Smith in the championship game? I've seen him falling to the early second round on some mock drafts. To me this is crazy. Regardless, even in the late teens I think this is a possible steal.
4) Patrick Willis: it's safe to say if his name was Willis Patrick he'd be in jail, but he's not so instead he's this year's DeMeco Ryans. A bit undersized, but athletic, instinctive, and ridiculously productive; as in 137 tackles including 12 for a loss his senior year. I see him as a perfect London Fletcher replacement in Buffalo, you know, assuming they don't reach on Marshawn "Thug Cart" Lynch.
5) Gaines Adams/Brandon Meriweather: upon reflection this may be the best "name" draft since the vaunted Quentin Coryatt, Leon Searcy, Eugene Chung all-name draft of '92. So far we've had a LaRon and JaMarcus (that's four capital letters in two first names), an Amobi, and a Gaines (with a Levi on the way). Gaines Adams will probably be great. He'll probably make several probowls and have a lot of sacks. I just see him as very one dimensional at this point. Sack artists tend to ignore the run, and also can get frustrated easily (much like sandwich artists). I think this is true of Gaines. I see him as a guy that has 14 sacks in eight games, and 2 in the other eight. At the end of the season, you'll probably be able to point back on two or three games he dominated, and that's more than can be said of most. As far as Brandon Meriweather, unlike Amobi Okoye, no one's saying good things and him (I'm almost mad he's not BranDon, screw it, he is now). Remember that Miami-Florida International Brawl with the one player stomping another player on the ground? Yeah, that was BranDon. Speaking of Ed Reed, the comparison can be made here too. He's fluid, ballhawking, and makes a lot of tackles from the safety spot (115 his junior year, 91 his senior year). Like it or not "the U" manufactures great pros with questionable attitudes, and BranDon's no exception. Both he and Gaines have no middle ground: they're either gonna be stars or they're gonna be out of the league in three years, I can't tell which.
Other Players:
Levi Brown: This is a tough year for me and Penn Staters. I want Levi to be great, I really do, but I'm not totally sold. The biggest warning sign to me was when Penn State runningback Austin Scott decided to redshirt last year because he thought the line would be better this coming year. While this obviously speaks to Austin's own insecurities, it doesn't say much about Levi. I guess I think Levi will be a good pro, but I've heard that Arizona would consider taking him over Joe Thomas, and to me that's crazy talk. I'm not totally convinced that Levi's fast enough to stay at left tackle in the pros, but I think he would be a great right tackle. Right tackles aren't top 10 picks, it's as simple as that.
Paul Posluszny: Looks and sounds like a linebacker. His junior year he was great. Then he tore his PCL and MCL in the Orange Bowl (PCL the ligament, not the minor league). His senior year his first six games were very average, then he starting playing like the old Paul. He had some trouble shedding blockers, but in the right system with good defensive tackles I think he'll be solid. The Patriots would be a great fit for him as he's probably the surest tackler in the draft.
Brady Quinn: His basement is Rick Mirer, his ceiling is a poor man's Carson Palmer. I'm less than impressed with him, but like it or not he's probably the second best QB in this draft. I really don't have anything else to say about him that hasn't been said. Except I was convinced for two years that he was the kid from Home Improvement, and frankly I'm still not sure that's not true. Shockingly, Wikipedia claims that the other, older kid from Home Improvement is his second cousin, which pretty much confirms he is the Home Improvement kid.
Ted Ginn: If Ted Ginn stayed at cornerback he'd be a top 5 pick. I remember him in the same H.S. All American as Peterson and thinking "this kid could be a faster version of Champ Bailey". Unfortunately for him Ohio State needed receivers and Ginn was a logical fit. I really hope Ginn is a good pro cause I like him, I like his Earl Woods father, and it's a shame when a kid gets put in the wrong position to fill his college team's need. He'll be dangerous on special teams and his ceiling is Steve Smith (plus a couple inches), unfortunately his basement isn't finished, it's used to store a broken ping pong table and bags of clothes, in other words, it's Rocket Ismail.
Jamaal Anderson: the dude looks like Calvin Booth, and guys with only one year of production at DE scare me. Screams bust.
Marshawn Lynch: JJ Arrington on line one. But this might be my favorite play of last year: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqMsT_2teus
Reggie Nelson: have you seen this guy? He's a dead ringer for Whoopi. He also was a JUCO transfer and apparently struggled academically at Florida. Can you say Wonderlic? Needless to say, I love this kid.
Joe Staley: 6'6", 4.8 forty, seems like a stud left tackle to me. I could see him creeping into the top 15 picks, and rightfully so. I think I'd rather have him than Levi at left tackle.
Anthony Gonzalez: Will be a deceptively productive pro. I'd compare him to a rich man's Mike Furrey... in a good way.
Dwayne Bowe: Really, really like him. Michael Clayton-like rookie year, but hopefully (for him) he keeps it going.
Greg Olsen: he won't even be the best professional athlete named Greg Olsen, alright it's Greg Olson, close enough.
Adam Carriker: Kiper and others love the guy, but all I see is a poor man's Grant Wistrom. Keep in mind that Grant Wistrom is coaching High School football in Kansas this year, I'm sorry, assistant coaching high school football, thereby making a poor man's Grant Wistrom actually a poor man.
Anyway, that's all for 2007. Let's hope the Redskins don't trade away their next six first rounders for Michael Strahan. Let's also hope the Browns don't subject the good people of Cleveland to the Brady Quinn era. I've said it before, former Abercrombie models have no place near Lake Erie. Let the success of Jim Thome, Bernie Kosar, and Craig Ehlo tell Browns management something...
Hail Victory!
An Atrocity
http://sports.espn.go.com/chat/sportsnation/rank?versionId=2&listId=82
Even though such luminaries as Namath, Tarkenton, MOON, Fouts, and Griese make appearances, one name is mysteriously and conspicuously missing from this extremely strange list of candidates.
I am literally ANGRY with rage over this.