While watching American Idol auditions: what happened to Norah Jones? She is dead?
While experiencing Tivo for the first time: you mean you can skip the commercials and the parts you don’t like? (five seconds of silence) That is beautiful, man.
When learning about presidential endorsements: who should care if Arnold Schwarzenegger from the movies is supporting that old man with the health problems?
When asked if he’s ever had Macadamia nuts: Are they tree nuts? We don’t have tree nuts, only ground nuts.
When offered a choice between Bud light and a pale ale: Light beer takes too much work for me to feel good.
Upon eating dinner prepared in 45 minutes: When did you start making this feast? You started on Sunday?
On Barrack Obama’s bid for the White House: He really should think about a name change, otherwise I do not see him getting very far.
Upon learning Barrack’s middle name was Hussein: This man is in real trouble.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
A running list of things only an African living in Zimbabwe for the past five years would say
April Showers bring Brandon Flowers
With the NFL season about to be concluded in a decidedly uninteresting fashion, it is time to look ahead to Spring and the overhyped, overKipered NFL Draft. Instead of looking at measurables and combine performances and Wonderlic scores, however, I would like to focus on something that is rarely examined with the attention it deserves in the mainstream media, but probably has equal predictive power as to who will succeed in the NFL. So without further ado, I present to you: The 10 Best Names of the 2008 NFL Draft.
10. DeJuan Tribble - CB
He sneaks on in last place due to the similarity between his name and the name of a fictional animal from the Star Trek universe. Live long and prosper, DeJuan.
9. Aqib Talib - CB
Rhyming holds a special place in my heart. As do q's that are not followed by u's. This guy should have been an Ismail brother as his name seems to be a combination of the other Ismails. If you recall, the Ismail family produced receivers Raghib "Rocket" Ismail and Qadry "Missile" Ismail. This guy plays corner, however. So he would have to be named "Strategic Defense Initiative" Ismail.
8. Jeremy Ito - K
Too bad that this guy is a kicker and undeserving of an awesome nickname. If he played any other position, he would most certainly be called "The Judge". Any reviewable play where he clearly committed a penalty would be immediately challenged and overturned. And OJ Simpson would send him flowers every day.
7. Felix Jones - RB
"Me... and... Felix Jones / We got a thing goin' on." This young man sounds like a character straight out of a blaxploitation film.
Felix Jones and the sexy Leopard Brown in "The Black Wolfman"!
6. Pedro Sosa - OG
Chances this guy is Dominican: 3,000%
5. John David Booty - QB
Look, his name has the word "Booty" in it. Also, he has three names. It's a mandatory top 10 name. I will brook no argument. The possibilities are endless. Think about it:
"Booty calls the audible."
"Booty bootlegs out."
"Too much Booty in the pants."
Okay... So that last one is a Soundmaster T song. Whatever. It could happen.
4. Jermichael Finley - TE
Michael Finley heard that basketball players were doing really well in the NFL as tight ends, so he apparently decided to add three letters to the front of his name and take his chances in the NFL Draft. He may be a 35 year old swingman, but he has Al Davis written all over him.
3. Gosder Cherilus - OT
The top 3 guys all have the incredible fortune to be blessed with both awesome first names and awesome last names. Gosder? Sort of sounds like a Norse God. The Norse God of Pancakes. And Cherilus? Truly the Name Gods have smiled upon this one. Also, it reminds me of Michael Bluth's alias Cherith Cutestory, maritime lawyer. Arrested Development is awesome.
2. Early Doucet - WR
What a difference a letter can make. Drop the "y" and Earl Doucet doesn't even catch a whiff of this list. In fact, Earl Doucet probably doesn't even play football. Earl Doucet owns a diner. In Shreveport. But Early Doucet? That guy can ball.
P.S. He's actually an attorney in Michigan.
1. Limas Sweed - WR
Limas Sweed sounds like the name of a villain from a 1920s silent movie. The type of guy who would tie a fair maiden to the railroad tracks while he menacingly twirls his meticulously groomed handlebar mustache. He actually happens to be a 6'4, 219 lb. athlete who runs a 40 in the mid-4.4s. That's not going to stop me from sending him weekly packages containing mustache wax.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
The NBA Super Draft
By Mr. Plow (Srikant) and The Plow King (Jeff)
Here's the scenario: every NBA player is put back into the draft and you’re starting a team of 10 players from scratch, who do you pick? Contracts and salaries do not matter, ages do.
Bonus Points are given for using nicknames (e.g. The Answer and Tough Juice), Double Bonus Points for making-up nicknames (e.g. The Question and Weak Juice © Simmons)
Final “Rosters” judged on the following:
1) The win now factor
2) The win in 5 years factor
3) Chemistry
4) Puts butts in the seats
5) Coach-ability / Clubhouse Cancer Potential
Mr. Plow, is on the clock
Mr. Plow, Pick 1: Dwight (Man-Child) Howard: while some would say LeBron, I am going to take the next Shaq here. He is 22 and is already averaging a 22 and 15 (last time that happened was Moses)…He could be the first since Wilt to go 20+ , 15+, and shoot 60% from the field.
Plow King, Pick 2: LeBron “Bubblicious”James: I have trouble arguing with Dewey at Pick 1, but I’ll take Bubblicious and be pleased as punch. Fact: he’s carried a bad team to the NBA Finals (granted, it was terrible finals). Fact: he’s only 11 months older than Dwight. Fact: his ceiling remains limitless, as evidenced by the fact he’s playing very, very good defense this year (supposedly an aftereffect of the Olympic Summer Sessions with Kobe). Compared to last year his scoring, assists, steals, boards, and blocks are up, and turnovers down. (Channeling my inner-Hubie, trying my best not to imitate the Sports Guy) We’re talking about a kid that turned 23 less than a month ago who has carried a bad team to the NBA finals, has been an All-Star MVP, will be league MVP this year, and is averaging nearly 30, 8, and 8. Let’s not forget he’s doing this with teammates like Drew Gooden and a coach who’s famous because his brother does the weather.
Mr. Plow, Pick 3: Kobe “I put it where the sun don’t shine” Bryant: Yao was a thought here, albeit a passing one. How could you not go with Kobe? I could look up the stats and give you the lines, but you already know. Thinking about a Kobe, Dwight Howard pick and roll makes me as giddy as Larry Brown when someone makes the extra pass. Yes, he has locker room cancer potential, but if this year is any indication, Kobe is turning a corner. He has shown the ability, and more importantly, the willingness to share the ball, and play well with a young team. Further, Kobe has the type of all around game, and basketball IQ where I could see him playing productively into his mid thirties. Finally, with 10 seconds and the ball, and a chance to win or tie, there is no one else in the NBA I would want to take the shot. To use a trite and slightly unsettling basketball cliché: He is a cold-blooded killer.
Plow King, Pick 4: touché Mr. Plow, touché. Tim “Galeophobia” Duncan: I’ve struggled with this next pick; I clearly need to go big, but Amare scares the crap out of me, and Duncan and KG are the same age. I could talk myself out of Duncan eight different ways, but he’s hands down the best player since the Jordan era, he’s on the back-end of his prime, but still has 3 years of top-notch basketball in him. His teams win, players love to play with him, he’s a coach’s dream, and, while his numbers might not be eye-popping, they are a function of what his team needs. Sure there are sexier picks, but the bottom line is any team with Duncan usually wins handily. He’s a legitimate center in today’s game, and still a top 3 player. Dwight is a man-child, but right now, I think Duncan is the better player. Go ahead Mr. Plow, I know you hate the methodical efficiency of the Spurs, but tell me you’d bet your savings against another Spurs championship this year? I didn’t think so. Bubblicious and Duncan: chemistry, defense, and playoff toughness. I’ll take those two all day. You’re up…
Mr. Plow, Pick 5: Carmelo “Stop Snitching” Anthony aka “Punch and Run: Before I justify the pick, I just want to point out that DH had 34 and 16 in his lone game against the Spurs this year. I also notice that the Plow King, did not explicitly state Duncan’s age. Just for full disclosure, he is 31, turning 32 in April (at least on his Virgin Island birth certificate…it could be another Dikembe situation). 
Now to the pick, I thought hard about Yao and a PG at this spot, but I will continue to solidify the starting front court with Anthony. The drop between Anthony and the next best Small Forward here is way larger than at any other position. I think I can get better or equal value further down the line at other positions. I am not the biggest Carmelo fan, but at 23, I think he has got loads of potential, and this year he has exhibited the ability to play with a ball dominating scorer in my personal hero the “Answer”. He has a full offensive arsenal at his disposal: he can step out and hit the three, go down on the low block, or slash and get to the rim. Further, the development of his jump shot makes him nearly impossible to defend. Also, this past summer with the US National Team, he showed a willingness to bruise down low, rebound, and play defense. LBJ represents the best combo forward in the NBA, I think Melo is the next.
Plow King, Pick 6: Chris “Forever Silky” Paul. Carmelo Anthony? Really? Ahead of Chris Paul, Kevin Garnett, Dwayne Wade, and Yao? I got love for the kid from Towson Catholic, but he’s never been better than third team All-NBA and you and I both know ‘Melo settles for the jumper far, far too often. Question one: why does a 28% three point shooter take so many threes? Question two: why does he average just 5.8 boards a game? I like ‘Melo, and definitely at times see the Bernard King comparisons, but I’m not sure he’s a Top-5 pick in this exercise. Anyway, onto the younger MVP candidate I just took. At 22 years old Paul is the best point guard in the league. DISCLAIMER: Hawks fans, both of them, should skip the rest of this paragraph. Dude is averaging 11 dimes and 21 points, oh, and he’s first in the league in steals. He has the Hornets, yes, those HORNETS, atop the Southwest division ahead of the Spurs, Mavs, and Rockets. Mr. Plow, you probably had the same logic I had: let the other guy reach on Paul and wait it out for Deron, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the gap between Paul and Deron is widening. They might have been very close as rookies, although Paul won Rookie of the Year, but while Deron is becoming a top-notch Point Guard and a terrific pro, Silky is becoming a legitimate MVP candidate. Simmons sums up the Deron-Paul debate perfectly in my opinion: “Personally, I don't see the debate: Paul is one year younger, he's completely unstoppable off the dribble, he's better than Williams statistically, and he's shining with a lesser supporting cast and an inferior coach for a franchise that has been comically unstable (and continues to be unstable). Good God, what else do you want from a franchise point guard?”. Say what you want about Simmons, but the man knows his hoop. Bubblicious, Duncan, and Silky… oh my!
Mr. Plow, Pick 7: Deron “Caramel Stockton” Williams: Paul is a great player, who I too am very high on as well. However, on a team with Kobe and Melo, who needs a point guard who scores? As for Melo’s rebounding, who needs him to, when I have DH? I think that going with Deron Williams puts me in a position for the future. He was one of the most improved players in the NBA last year, and has continued to play well into this year. He was dominant in the playoffs last year, especially against Barron Davis. Deron is strong (much like Jason Kidd), and has the moves and strength to get to the rim. He is a solid outside shooter (last year was more than likely an aberration), and is quickly developing into one of the games top 3 point guards. It’s easy to forget that he is still only 23, and I get the impression that some people bought a little too hard into the hype. Averaging 19 and 9 as a third year player is terrific progress. I think he will be an elite player in the next few years, and we will be talking about him along with Paul. I think in the end, that gap that Plow king refers to between Paul and Deron won’t be as large as he thinks.
Plow King, Pick 8: Kevin “Banana Kaboom” Garnett: Oh sweet mercy, I’ve just paired Duncan and Garnett (Peanut Butter and, um, Chunky Peanut Butter?) and now have an all-world front-court for a minimum of three years. I know you’re thinking my team is too old, but KG is still a first-team NBA player and will remain so for three years. I feel like he’s a young 31. The best measure of Garnett’s impact on any team: last year the Celtics winning percentage was .293, this year .810 (See also here).
Mr. Plow, Pick 9: Amare “grown up Ja Rule” Stoudemire: What’s your 5 year plan Plow King? Don’t die? I mean come on, we are now talking about a pair of 31, soon to be 32, year old aging power forwards. I will take Amare here, and pair him with “Man Child” giving me the most athletic front court in NBA history. Did I hear you say Micro-fracture surgery? Well, Amare has shown me enough where I think he has recovered from the surgery. He made the All Star team in his first year back, and was an All-NBA first team performer (albeit because Duncan was classified as a Forward). The guy finishes at the rim and runs the floor like a freight train. I can hear the rims pleading for mercy already, with “Man-Child” and Amare thundering away. He looks as if he has fought the micro fracture demon and won. He is a perfect fit for the run and gun style of team I am assembling.
Plow King, Pick 10: Yao “Sweet and Sour” Ming aka “The Most Well-Proportioned 7’6” man alive”: Ahh yes, Amare “One more injury away from ending his career” Stoudemire, also known as “Routinely abused by Tim Duncan” Stoudemire and “One of the worst defensive forwards in the entire league” Stoudemire. Anyway, with Yao I now have the best passing team in the history of time. With Duncan and KG in the fold I was tempted to pass on Yao, but he was simply the highest rated 7’6” Chinese guy available. I think “Sweet and Sour” is an appropriate nickname because Yao can so often be a tease. One game it’s 35 and 17, the next 11 and 8. But a 27 year old center with those passing skills and that mid-range game is too tempting, even if he’s coming off my mythical bench. I like him better as a Beta Dog then carrying a team, which makes him such a good fit here. It’s also worth noting that from a revenue standpoint, my team just drafted one billion more fans.
Mr. Plow, Pick 11: Steve “Captain Canada” Nash: This team is now just getting silly: Nash pushing the ball, Kobe and Carmelo on the wings, and two of the most athletic big men in NBA history in Amare and Dwight trailing the break. This team is fast and athletic, and looking like it might score 170 a game. The Yao, Garnett, and Duncan picks certainly will keep Plow King’s team mired in the half court, and that’s fine, if you like that sort of thing. I, on the other hand, picked a team that will run and score…a lot. To that end, do I even have to justify picking Nash? He is a young 33, but age is why he fell this far. They guy just hit his stride two years ago, and with his fitness and cerebral game, I could see him playing until he is 38 or 39. You will receive little argument from me that Chris Paul is the best PG in the league, but with Nash and Deron, I think I have picked up the 2nd and 3rd best guys. Some would even argue that Nash, right now, is still the best. The guy has won 2 MVPs (should have won 3) and is the system in Phoenix. What is most impressive to me about Nash, is how many secondary assists he gets a game. He doesn’t always have to be the one passing the ball to the scorer, he sees plays 2 or 3 passes down the line. That is something you don’t see on the stat sheet, and in today’s NBA. The best part about picking Nash here: Deron doesn’t have to start now, and I can wait for him to develop.
Plow King, Pick 12: Dwayne “Abba Zabba” Wade: Wow, Mr. Plow you finally picked a non-American, and he was all the way from Canada. Your new team name is the Lou Dobbs All-Stars. I feel like were both not giving DuWayne enough respect. He’s a finals MVP, a four time All-Star, three times All-NBA, oh, and he’s 26 years old. He’s an underrated passer, averaging almost 7 assists per game over his career. He has the ability to play both one and two guard. Sadly his team has been horrendous this year, but he’s hardly to blame, putting up career highs in most stat categories (and doing so efficiently). Unfortunately for him this fake-NBA draft is only an exercise because he’s stuck with an aging, not-very-talented team with no cap space until 2010. Events like the All-Star game are sure to only exacerbate the problem. I can’t see him in Miami past 2010 without major, major roster changes. And why is the cruel-boned filled corpse of Pat Riley still coaching there?
Mr. Plow, Pick 13: Brandon “Not Quite Jesus” Roy: Why the nickname? Roy’s game most closely resembles that of Ray Allen’s (Jesus Shuttlesworth). He shot a remarkable 46% from 3 point range after the all-star game last year. He is not an overwhelming athlete, but is a solid long range shooter and has a mastery of lost art of the mid-range pull-up. His versatility and youth make him the pick here. While he does not have Ray’s shooting accuracy, he is able to play multiple guard positions, and has terrific handle. It really comes down to this, Brandon Roy is just very good at everything, and not great at anything. His game really does not have any real weakness. While that normally doesn’t lead to super-star status in today’s NBA, I think he will defy convention. He won’t make anyone look foolish, he won’t thunder on you, but when you look up at the end of the game, you will say “Brandon Roy played great.” Let’s not forget, that after the Oden injury, the Blazers were supposed to be awful this year. Roy has lead them to a tie for the Pacific lead, and an almost lock for the playoffs. The guy is proving he is a winner, and continues to go largely unnoticed by the public,(partially for playing out west, and partially for the perception that he won rookie of the year in a weak year). I am here to tell you Brandon Roy is for real, and he will fit in very nicely with the up-tempo team I put together.
Plow King, Pick 14: Dirk “Locks of Love” Nowitzki: Oh Lou Dobbs, continue to pass on the MVP candidates and I’ll keep adding to my arsenal. Dirk might be the second or third guy off my bench, but he’s the outside threat my team was missing. No one, save maybe Peja and Jesus Shuttesworth, maybe, has a prettier shot than Dirk. Sure he’s a little nutty and sh*t the bed in his only finals appearance, but as a role player I couldn’t be happier. He’s 7’1” and a match-up nightmare. His ability to knock down the open jumper is unrivaled in today’s game; he shoots 40% from three. He’s 29, but there’s no reason he can’t be a Bob Horry player into his mid-30s, and on this team, that’s all I’m asking him to be.
Mr. Plow, Pick 15: Al “Not George” Jefferson: It’s looking like the United Nations over there. I don’t dislike the pick, but Dirk scares me. Did we already forget last year’s playoff debacle? And for all the MVP winners being selected on the other side, let’s not forget that Dirk and KG’s team both failed to reach the NBA finals in the years they won the MVP (Duncan’s team also lost to the Lakers in one of his MVP seasons). Dirk’s team even lost in the first round, as a one seed! Also, the Plow King’s team in 5 years will feature 6 players over the age of 30! I digress, back to Jefferson. The kid is terrific. He is going to be a star in this league, and probably would be if he could ever get off of a losing team. He is physical on the block, athletic, and shows tenacity on the boards. He is already a 21-12 man, and he is getting better. He just had is first career 40 point game, and if Minnesota could put some pieces around him, they might not be as far away as we think.. There was a reason that Minnesota demanded his inclusion in the Garnett deal…if you haven’t heard of Al Jefferson, you will.
Plow King, Pick 16: Manu “Elmer’s” Ginobili: I love the Jefferson pick (a poor man’s Dwight Howard- although you missed a golden opportunity to use "Weasy Jefferson"), but with this team a player like Ginobili can make all the difference. His modest numbers don’t tell the whole story. He’s the ultimate chemistry player and a guy every player would love to play with and every opponent hates to play against (as seen here). He was the 2004 Olympics MVP leading Argentina to the gold medal. I know you find this hard to 
believe Lou, but they now play basketball outside of the continental 48. He’s currently in the best year of his career: shooting over 40% from three, averaging 20 a game, putting up good all-around peripherals, and all in 29 minutes per. I would’ve picked Manu several picks ago if not for his surely smelly locker room presence; and I don’t mean that in the clubhouse cancer sense, but in the he literally smells bad sense (or scents?). In the “oh by the way” category, if we were factoring in contracts he’d be one of the first guys off the board. He makes about $9M per or, better quantified, half of this guy.
Mr. Plow, Pick 17: Chris “Lebron James is my father” Bosh: Make that 7 players who will be over 30 in 5 years. Plow King is part of the problem, he is taking away jobs from decent, hard-working Americans…like Chris Bosh. I’ll admit, I haven’t always been a fan, but the kid is growing on me. He is one of the most skilled big men in the league, being able to comfortably shoot 20-footers, or take his man off the dribble. He rarely posts up, but causes huge mis-matches because of quickness and handle. He also has a nice left hook, which he drops over smaller defenders. He is 23 and is already among the top forwards in the game. If he adds bulk, and improves defensively on the block (he is great coming off the weak-side), he could be elite in the coming years.
Plow King, Pick 18: Andrew “Socks” Bynum: Tough to argue with Bosh, statistically he’s been great, and he’s probably still underappreciated. But he strikes me as one of those players that everyone said got no respect until he got a little too much respect. He’s a “nice” player, but I see limited upside and a below average forward defensively, but Bosh is solid, although probably better on my half-court centric team. By the way, Ryan pointed this out to me recently, when did Bosh become Wesley Autry Subway Hero??? He used to be so young and clean-cut. Hey, that's Canada for you! Onto Bynum, little known fact I learned while researching the Bynum pick: he showers with his socks on (Manu’s thinking “What’s ‘showers’?”). That kind of quirkiness coupled with the way he’s battled back from the Kobe incident tells me this kid is destined to be a superstar. Looking back in a couple years Bynumite strikes me as the most obvious “how did he last that long?” guy.
Mr. Plow, Pick 19: Josh “JoHo” Howard: No complaints about the Bynum pick, he is developing into a nice piece for the resurgent Lakers. An interesting note, none of the players selected are shoot first players, aside from Kobe and maybe Melo. In fact, Lebron, KG, Duncan, and Dirk have all been criticized in the past for not taking over games, or taking the big shots (Lebron did shake this criticism last playoffs). KG and Dirk have also faced the T-Mac like criticism of not having playoff success. Steve Nash has avoided this criticism, but the same can be said about him. Admittedly, the team I took was, for the most part, much younger, and hence has avoided similar criticism. I wonder for how long? We judge our athletes by championships, so how long before we start saying Man-Child hasn’t won a title? In any case, I take Howard here, because of what I saw from him this year. With Dirk mired in a post playoff collapse funk, Howard carried the Mavs for the first part of the season. He is a slasher, who’s game is about getting to the rim or foul line. However, he plays great defense, and can guard several positions on the floor. I think he should have made the All-Star team this year…which brings me to my final point. People in China should not get to vote for OUR all-star game. Consider that T-Mac, who was hurt for a large chunk of the season, almost was selected a starter! This is called the Yao Ming effect, where fans of Yao just pick whoever they see on the tv, or pick Yao’s teammates. I am surprised Shane Battier didn’t make (he probably would have it weren’t for those bumps on his head). Then consider that AI is starting over Chris Paul! I blame this exclusively on China, and their knowledge-less fans. I don’t want to go on a rant here…
Plow King, Pick 20: Caron “Tough Juice” Butler aka “Once Traded for Kwame Brown; yes, that Kwame Brown”. What the h*ll does rant mean? Let it out Lou Dobbs, let it out. If you really want to get pissed-off click here. By the way, I sure hope Tom Tancredo builds that big wall of his to keep out all of the good for nothing immigrants! Am I right!? OK, I like the Howard pick, he’s your first real glue guy. I would’ve taken Tough Juice first, but both guys are similar in my mind. As a Wizards fan, what Caron and ‘Tawn are doing this year makes this one of the most enjoyable seasons ever. Even though Caron was an All-Star last year, he has shown unbelievable improvement. His career three point percentage (his most glaring flaw in terms of efficiency), which was below 30%, is 37% this season; his assists, scoring, and shooting percentages are all up. More than anything Caron is turning from a nice player into a borderline franchise player and certainly a great “1a” option. His emotion on the court coupled with the fact he finally believes he’s a great player makes him a perfect fit on my squad. As a bench player he’ll be a team and crowd favorite. So Caron, welcome to Team “Done Sh*t” you’ll be systematically dismantling Team “Hopes to one day, if all the cards fall into place, and no one gets hurt, maybe be as good as Team Done Sh*t”.
Mr Plow Reply: Team Done Sh*t? Kobe Bryant and Steve Nash haven’t done anything either, I suppose? As for the others, I implore you to look at the stats; the cards have already fallen into place, and my team is still getting better. In any event, I will take my chances with a younger, more athletic team over an old plodder of a team any day. Seven players over 30 in 5 years…this isn’t the YMCA league, it’s the NBA. Wake up Plow King, times are changing. It’s about speed and athleticism now…not about old crafty vets running the motion offense.
Plow King Reply: Kobe Bryant Finals Appearances without Shaq PLUS Steve Nash Finals Appearances EQUALS the same number of Finals Appearance made by You and Me and the one guy still reading this far. In fact on your team only Josh Howard, one (he lost), and Kobe, all with Shaq, have even been to a Finals. In a related story my team has nine appearances and seven titles; not that titles are the lone barometer, but it’s worth noting.
The Line-ups: Plow King vs. Mr. Plow
PG: Chris Paul vs. Nash
SG: Wade vs. Kobe
SF: LeBron vs. Carmelo
PF: Garnett vs. Amare
C: Duncan vs. Dwight Howard
Plow King Bench
Manu Ginobili
Yao Ming
Dirk Nowitzki
Caron Butler
Andrew Bynum
Mr. Plow Bench
Al Jefferson
Deron Williams
Brandon Roy
Chris Bosh
Josh Howard
Notables outside looking in: Utah's Lone Boozer, Brother Named Baron, Brother Named Gilbert, Tony Longoria, Stabby Pierce, Oden (Bill Russell's Dad), T-Mac, Durant (I guess), the Hawks four, the Pistons, David West (someone probably should've picked him- but over who?), The Whiny Matrix, Kaman (no, seriously), Iverson, Gasol (Pau not Marc), Elton Brand (his Dad owns a trophy shop), David Lee, and Rudy "Not" Gay (someone should've picked him, right? Again, over who?).
Loose metaphor, carried waaay too far (hey, first timer)
So I have this friend. He’s a really successful guy. That is, he’s got a sweet job that pays fantastic. Any of us would kill for it. However, I’m not saying he’s particularly good at running his life. In fact, most think he sucks at it. Anyway, as an example of his decision making skills, I’m going to tell a little story about him.
This friend of mine, Bill, is constantly surrounded by smoking hot young chicks. I mean, he’s got talent draped all over him, all the time. Now, most of them are really young, he doesn’t know them that well, he’s dabbled with some, but not too much. In fact, some are underage, but he’s not touching them, at least not yet. They’re all potentially smoking trophy wives, but he’s an impatient guy, and he really wants to take the big step, the big plunge, and get married to just the right girl. All the chicks he’s hooked up with recently have been pretty big disappointments. I don’t know if he’d been drunk when he decided to start dating them, or what, but he’s made a number of mistakes recently. Some are a little too old, and most weren’t that hot to begin with.
Anyway, he knows this guy that he kind of works with, in the same field. He’s been married for a few years now to a blonde bombshell that Bill is completely infatuated with. Bill wants nothing more than to marry this chick. This guy, Pete, is basically going through divorce proceedings. His blonde bombshell is a gold digging 29 year old that is costing him a lot of money. Sure, she’s basically been the only bright spot in his life the last couple of years, but he’s deciding it’s not worth it. In fact, he wants to be like my friend Bill, live it up with talented young hotties, and basically start over. Maybe in a few years one or two of them become marriage material and change his life again. Who knows, but he’s at a point where’s he’s got to do something.
So my buddy Bill is basically saying “hey, I’ll set you up with some of my tarts, my teases, if you convince your wife to marry me.” An indecent proposal, for sure, and Pete is having a tough time pulling the trigger. I have no idea why, as Bill has proven numerous times recently that he can be taken advantage of by gold diggers. And, I mean, the chicks he’d be sending Pete’s way have TALENT. It’d be exciting to have her around, she’s one of the hottest chicks I’ve ever seen, but I’m a little worried Bill is only trying to marry her to keep up appearances with his colleague in LA who has just been plain old more successful than he has recently.
Anyway, tough call either way. I’m sure Jeff, Brian, and Ryan are just as vested in this as I am. Frankly, I think my friend Bill is a jackass that is making a mistake, but…I really want to sleep with Erik Bedard too, even if it is just for two years and costs me an arm and a leg and a Jones.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Both Mike Freeman and Ernie Accorsi are Crazy
See here.
"Manning is a winner," continued Accorsi, who is an avid sports historian and baseball fan. "He had proven that in a host of games before this run. Why do we determine whether pitchers belong in the Hall of Fame based on games won but that is not an ingredient of the QB rating? In my opinion, the QB has much more of an influence on the outcome of a game than the starting pitcher. With six minutes left in the fourth quarter, Eli can't turn the game over to Mariano Rivera. He has to finish the game.""What difference does it make what we gave up?" Accorsi continued. "You better be right about the QB, but if you are, you can't overpay for a great QB and we think he's going to be a great QB. What would you give up for Elway? What would you give for Montana or Unitas? Just like you can't overpay a great player. Can you overpay for Mays or DiMaggio? That's all fodder."
...
"We didn't get Merriman," Accorsi said, "we led the league in sacks. Osi is better anyway."
And as far as we know Umenyiora never failed a performance-enhancing drug test the way Merriman has.
"These are the facts, in the fourth year the kid has us in the Super Bowl," said Accorsi. "He had a chance under adverse conditions on the road to win the game to get in the Super Bowl and he did it. The other guy didn't. Very simple. All the other arguments are just reasons to fill air time."
By the way, I would trade Eli Manning for Shawne Merriman straight up.
EDIT:
Also, Adam Jones??? Go O's.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Los Angelos
The first in a series of imaginary conversations between Peter Angelos and his underlings…
In this episode, Peter hires a new Administrative Assistant named Elsie.
Elsie: Here's your coffee, Mr. Angelos, sir.
Angelos wordlessly takes the cup. He does not look up from the copy of the
Elsie: Careful, sir. It might be a little hot.
Angelos brings the cup to his lips and drinks the steaming liquid, scalding himself. Blisters immediately form on his lips. His brow fills with sweat. Suddenly, his nose starts to bleed. Oblivious, he continues to read the paper.
Elsie: Good God, sir! Are you okay?!?!
Elsie rushes over with a box of tissues and a glass of ice water, but Angelos waves her off. He looks up from the paper and stares out the window onto 
Peter: When I was a child, we had a cat. I found him in an alley one day, whimpering quietly next to a garbage can. A piece of broken glass was embedded in his paw. He was a gravely malnourished creature—no bigger then Fahey, really. I took him home, gently removed the shard of glass, and nursed him back to health. One evening, my father was eating dinner—he always ate alone; we never ate until he was finished. “To the losers go the spoils!” he would bellow as he ate, tossing scraps of old meat in my general direction as I cowered in the corner. Have you ever eaten spoiled meat, Elsie?
Elsie [trembling in her seat]: No [starts to cry]… no, sir, I haven’t.
Peter: It tastes like a thousand pounds of Boog’s barbecue dipped into a giant vat of Flying Fruit Fantasy Fruitshakes. A thousand pounds of Boog’s, Elsie.
Elsie [still crying]: Is that…. Is that bad, sir? I had thought it would taste bad.
Peter: Nothing is ever good or bad, Elsie. But thinking makes it so. May I continue?
Elsie: Yes, sir.
Peter: Thank you. While my father was eating, the cat jumped onto the table. I reached out to stop him, but I was too late. The cat knocked my father’s plate to the floor, spilling food across the cold, filthy linoleum. My father reached toward the cat and, with a flurry of motion, picked him up and snapped his neck like a bat across Bo Jackson’s knee. Are you familiar with E-Honda's Hundred Hand Slap from the video game Street Fighter II, Elsie?
Elsie [sobbing]: Yes, sir. Of course.
Peter: It was just like that. A blur of violence. Stunningly brutal, yet strangely satisfying in its finality. My father taught me a valuable lesson that day: Feed the people what they want. And when it all turns rotten—and it will all turn rotten, Elsie—break their collective will with bloodless efficiency.
Elsie [drying her eyes]: Yes, sir.
Peter: Good. Now do me a favor. Call up the
Elsie: Yes, sir, right away, sir.
Elsie: Is it always this dark in here, sir?
Peter: Yes. Yes it is.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Tale of the Tape
While riding the subway the other day, I noticed a guy standing near the middle of the train car, listening to music. Nothing out of the ordinary, really. He looked to be in his 40s or 50s, with a patchy beard and Velcro shoes. He was wearing a mismatched sweat suit (appropriate, I guess, given that he was sweating profusely), and he was bobbing his head up and down and singing along to whatever music was blaring inside of his ears, as crazy people tend to do when they’re on the subway. But after giving him a few “eye sweeps” (the same move that guys employ when we’re trying to subtly stare at boobs without getting caught), I determined that, upon closer inspection, he was listening to a portable cassette player. Not an iPod, not a “Zune,” not even a Discman. A tape player. Bold move, good sir. Bold move. The fanny pack says “Let's do lunch!” but the Sony Walkman attached to your sagging pants says, “You're paying.” After a quick glance at my cell phone to confirm that we were, in fact, in the year 2008, I got to thinking: What shapes the choices we make when it comes to music formatting? Why do some people choose to listen to, say, records over CDs? Or CDs over mp3s? And what do these choices say about our personalities?
There are no concrete answers. Some people listen to records instead of CDs because they consider themselves to be “purists,” and the soothing sound of a needle on vinyl transports them to a simpler time when musical recordings were—I don’t know—scratchier and more-difficult to transport. Or, perhaps, those who still listen to records or CDs have simply been priced out of the market for mp3 players. Americans are not known for being particularly disciplined spenders. Debt is rampant in this country, and what we buy is rarely limited by what we can actually afford. Still, I suspect that the man on the subway simply lacked the means to purchase an up-to-date music player, so he was forced to listen to his Loggins & Messina album on a cranky, hissing beast connected to a pair of ludicrously oversized headphones.
(And if you’re reading this and saying, “That’s an unfair assessment, Ryan. You’re jumping to conclusions about this man’s financial situation,” then you clearly missed the part in the beginning about the Velcro shoes. Wealthy people don’t wear Velcro. This dates back to the Middle Ages, when wealth was measured by the number of laces on one’s shoes. Kings and Queens were known to wear shoes that laced up to their waists. Peasants, on the other hand, were often forced to wear turtle shells buckled to their feet. OK, I made that up. But my point is, if you see someone listening to a tape player, you can surmise that he or she does not go home each night and swim, Scrooge McDuck-style, through a giant sea of money, right? This is not a blind leap of logic. This is a critical assessment, and likely a factual one.)
But the second question—what do these choices say about our personalities?—is a bit more complicated. My analysis is below:
What your vinyl record collection says about you:
“I am 127 years old. And they’re called ‘phonographs,’ Buster.”
Or, “I’m a twentysomething hipster, and I buy vinyl ‘cause it’s part of my culture, like mesh trucker hats and chronic unemployment.”
Or, “I am Timbaland.” 
What your 8-Track collection from the ’70s says about you:
“I have been intimate with a woman in a van.”
Or, “I regret these tattoos.”
But it mostly just says, “I listen to crappy music.”
What your CD collection says about you:
“I am intrigued by these ‘mp3s’ that you speak of, but I am afraid of them, much like a dog is afraid of a vacuum cleaner.”
But a tape collection? A tape collection says lots of things: “I do most of my music shopping at gas stations,” for instance. And, “I probably own a coonskin cap.” And, “I wear a Starter jacket in public without betraying even the slightest hint of irony.” And, “My presidential candidate is STILL Sam Brownback.” But, chief among these, a tape collection asks: “Do you have any spare change?”
So ramble on, my cassette-laden friend. And, until we meet again, may your subway journey provide you ample time to rewind and replay all of Side A of “Mother Lode.”
The Head of The Class of 2004
Draft experts say that you have to wait 3 to 4 years to evaluate a draft class. Well, for the class of 2004 QBs its final exam time. Phillip Rivers, Ben Rothlesberger, and Eli Manning came into the league with the potential of being among the great QB classes of all time. Currently, that distinction belongs to the class of 1983, when 6 QBs were taken in the first round, 3 being hall of fame type players (Marino, Kelly, Elway), and the other 3 being servicable, albeit medicore (someday you will get your due Ken O'brien...some day). Still the class of 04 has, if nothing else, produced winners...though whether teams win in spite or because of them is up for debate. I am not for X's and O's, but here's my take on the class of 04.
Top of the Class: Jeff will say that I am being partial and that my judgement is clouded, but despite my emotional dependency on the Pittsburgh Steelers, you would be hard pressed to say Ben Rothlesberger is not at the top of this list right now. Ben's splits speak for themself, but what really stands out are his record as a starter (40-16), and the Super Bowl victory. He does leave wanting for his playoff performances (and he may set the record for most 3 interception home playoff games), though he did have a remarkable post season up until the Super Bowl in 05. He also takes a beating, is still prone to "dear god..no!" decision making, and benefits greatly from the talent around him. However, he keeps his teams in games (see Jax both times, Clev, Denv., and the Jets games this year), and physically, he is as gifted as there comes. He belongs in the top 5-6 QB in the league discussion. On a side note, a friend once told me that while he was at Miami of Ohio, Ben had one of his lineman solicite his girlfriend...I wonder if Alan Faneca does that for him?
If you make me...: I suppose I have to pick between Manning and Rivers, maybe I will base this on the fact that Eli's Fiancee is hot . Sigh...well...I will go with vacant look in Eli's eyes in this position because he led his team to the Super Bowl and despite the numbers I think that he could develop into a solid player. Looking at Eli's splits you wonder how bad things would have been if he couldnt just lob it up to Plaxico Burress every once in a while (Rothlesberger did this too his rookie year), or if he didn't have Tiki Barber now Brandon Jacobs to hand off to in a pinch? I hate it when people say they like his pedigree...what the hell does that even mean? Is he a horse? Well pedigree aside, his performances in this year's playoffs have been solid. He hasn't thrown a pick, and while he hasn't won games, he has made the plays when given the chance (4 TDs). I think Marty Schottenheimer started this trend: you can win most games by not losing them (see Garrard, David and Garcia, Jeff)
By Default: One of my favorite moments from this season was when Champ Bailey was interviewed about his opinion of Phillip Rivers. Champ's response (paraphrasing here), "I don't like that guy...I used to, but now he just talks to much. He isn't good enough to talk that much." Thats how I feel about Phillip Rivers too. His name is Phillip Rivers for god's sake; what is he a dentist? I am sure Jay Cutler was on the sideline of that game saying "a dude named Phillip is taunting me." In fact, for his sake, I am going to start calling him Phil. The splits here are better than Eli's, and he has had success in the NFL, particularly last year (when he made the Pro Bowl), but from watching Phil, I can't help thinking he is a combination of Chad Pennington and Trent Dilfer (OK, now that's fair, but take a look at the first Tenn. game this year). He prefers dinking and dunking the ball up the field, the offense has no real deep ball punch, and you wonder if he has hit his ceiling already? Still he did show some guts in the playoffs, and he had a nice game against Indy until his injury. He also does a nice job of managing the game (at least he did last year), and with LT and that D, maybe its enough. I wonder, though, if San Diego fans honestly feel like the right decision was made between Brees and Rivers. Cleveland is facing a similiar conundrum, but that is for a different blog entry...
So there it is, a couch potato's evaluation of the class of 2004. In sum, I think these guys benefit a lot from the players around them, and I don't think any of them approach that '83 class. However, in an age of game managers, who needs a Marino, Elway, or even Todd Blackledge for that matter?
(editor's note 1: Wilson, I expect an angry post about the exclusion of your boy JP Losman. Seen here with a cougar.)
(editor's note 2: Thomas, are you gonna let him complement Blackledge by implying that he was even marginally serviceable?)
(editor's note 3: Srikant, you and Verley are so gay for Ben.)
NBA All-Ugly Team (now accepting nominees)
1) Tyrone Hill: I'll take it to my grave he's the ugliest of the bunch. As I've said in the past, I don't know black ugly, but Ty Hill is black ugly.
2) Sheldon Williams: Sure he was a terrible draft pick (Brandon Roy, Randy Foye, Rudy Gay were the next three selections), but the Hawks thought that Sheldon was underrated. Well they were right; tell me that man's not deceptively ugly?
3) Sam I Am: the man who begs the question, did E.T. really phone home? Really? By the way, I once saw Sam, a Charm City native, at a Stallions game. A what game? If anything he was even more alien-looking in person. (UPDATE: Nevin makes a great point, Sam Cassell is Lou Gossett Jr. in Enemy Mine... it's uncanny.)
4) Chris Kaman: the Jackie Robinson of the All-Ugly team. Click here for a close up (children should not be present).
5) Peter John Ramos: A personal favorite that the Wizards drafted only to fill the void of the next nominee...
6) Popeye Jones: One time my Dad and I were watching the Wizards game and Steve Buckhantz goes, "What a play by Jones!" and my Dad looks at me and goes "who is Jones?" He wasn't trying to be funny, he didn't know, and for a second, I didn't either. By the way, it's worth noting that in my office I currently have a coffee mug with Popeye's, er, mug on it. My cousin Justin gave it to me during a wedding shower. Needless to say, it put my wife's "everyday china" to shame.
By the way, the joke has been made before, but it's a goodie: Has anyone ever seen Popeye and Sloth from Goonies in the same place? What about Peter John and Jar Jar???
The All Tecmo Super Bowl Team
I recently purchased a PS3, and in the midst of the HD coma I got from playing, I got a touch of nostalgia. So let me take you back to the golden age of video games…to an old classic….Tecmo Super Bowl. If you have never played Tecmo Super Bowl get help, or go to the variety of online sites which are dedicated to it (I think you can play on your computer if you like). Briefly, among the things the game introduced to the world of video game football were: a season mode, full statistics, and injuries. So without further ado I present the...
The All Tecmo Super Bowl Team
Offense:
QB: Randall Cunningham (PHL)- aka QB Eagles. Before there was the Vick roll-out and lob to Brian Finneran, there was Randall to Fred Barnett. I go with Randall here for his all around game. He could give you an 80 yard run or a 106 yard pass; no other QB of this era had those kind of wheels, the definition of versatility.
Back-up QB: Dan Marino (MIA): By far the strongest arm in the game. That offense was tough to stop. Jim Kelly and the K-gun got consideration here as well.
RB: Barry Sanders (DET)- He was nearly unstoppable. The only player in the game that could score a touchdown, when your opponent picked the right play. Enough said.
WR: Jerry Rice/John Taylor (SF)- Just not fair. The B-and-Left play to Rice is borderline cheating; it’s the Tecmo version of the NHL ’93 wrap-around.
WR: Stephen Baker (NYG)- The Touchdown Maker! Little known player in the game, but he would always come down with the cut scene Phil Sims high pass.
WR: Mark Duper (MIA)- Close call, but Duper over Art Monk and Louis Lipps…to be it’s honest cause Marino is sick. Louis Lipps did however, make the all-name team.
Offense Honorable Mention: The entire Houston Oilers Offense, Christian Okoye and Barry Word, Thurman Thomas, Louis Lipps, Art Monk, John Elway, Joe Montana, Flipper Anderson, Chris Carter, Ernest Byner, and Don “The Magic Man” Mackowski.
Defense
DL: Jerry Ball (DET): How many nose guards can drop 70 yards into coverage, pick it off and run it back? God I love this game.
DL: Howie Long (LA): Before there was Chris, there was Howie. He could not be blocked…at all.
DL Leonard Marshall (NYG): Could not be tackled when he recovered a fumble. It was incredible…LT would force the fumble and Marshall would return it for a TD. Players would just go flying all over the place. Classic bruiser-mode player.
LB: Mike Singletary(CHI): Could do it all, stop the run, run with receivers, and get the QB. The only thing he can’t do is get a head coaching job.
LB: Lawrence Taylor (NYG): You could fool him on the play fake and he would still hit the QB and go back and tackle the receiver 80 yards up field. It was the crack...he could hardly stand still...
LB Derrick Thomas(KC): He was the exact same thing as LT…I don’t even think they changed the programming for him. Another RIP, by the way.
CB: Rod Woodson(PIT): He was the only way the Bubby Brister led Steelers could score in that game
CB: Darrell Green (Wsh): Part of a great defense that generated lots of points. Unreal speed, had to be the fastest in the game.
FS: Ronnie Lott (SF): Was a great player on the best team in the game.
SS: Carnell Lake (PIT): Pretty much all the Steelers had going for them was that D. I need a Carnell Lake jersey, by the way. (I know someone else belongs here…but Carnell Lake deserves the shout out).
Defense Honorable Mention: Jerome Brown (another R.I.P... geez), Seth Joyner…what a great Eagles Defense, Pepper Johnson, Bill Romanowski, Donnell Woolford, John Offradahl, David Little, Charles Haley, Bruce Smith, and Hardy Nickerson (all name team too).
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
I'd rather buy shares in "Sail Away"
I would have simply posted this as a reply to the previous comment, but Jeff gave me posting privileges and I intend to abuse them until he wisely takes them away.
I feel like there is very little opportunity here, and I guess that makes me a bit of a sourpuss. I just feel like this void that Jensen Lewis is talking about doesn't exist. It's being filled by agents and teams, who are already invested in the future of their clients and employees, respectively.
You've got a guy like Randy Newsome, who struck out 22 and walked 19 in 49 innings last year in AA at the ripe old age of 25. A guy like that is not likely to succeed in the major leagues, and the Indians and the agents know it, which is why he's making a paltry living and thought this business might be a good idea.
The players who are going to succeed--or rather, are perceived as likely to succeed by teams and agents--like Smoak, they are not going to participate in this process because they don't need to. Even if they did, their chance of success is so high that the payout would be paltry.
So if you play this game, the only guys to buy are the guys who are not being supported by their teams or agents. And some of them DO succeed. In 2002 the Indians took Jensen Lewis with the 994th pick, and he's relieving for them today. But he was awesome in the minor leagues, and dollars to donuts that after he struck out 44 in 39 innings at AA Akron he did not want for money.
Here's the problem though; Joe Schmoe has far less information on Randy Newsome than the Indians, or his agent, who will invest accordingly based on their estimates of his chances to succeed. The best you can hope to do is get lucky with any given player. So that's fun I guess, but it's just a crapshoot. Who's going to buy Jensen Lewis at his IPO? The Indians selected 50 players in that draft, 4 of them have played in the major leagues.
We're all gamblers here, of course, so we'd probably buy in. I just think there is far less opportunity here than Randy Newsome thinks. If teams can't identify guys who are going to succeed, then fans certainly can't. There are a gajillion minor league players. It's like buying the world's nerdiest lottery ticket.
Fantasy Baseball meets E*TRADE meets Human Trafficking
I came across a fascinating concept today of a company selling stock in professional athletes; not the teams, nor their outcomes, but the actual players themselves.
The company, Real Sports Investments, allows investors to buy shares (no more than 20%) in individual players. If the player who you own shares in makes it to the major leagues, you get paid when the player gets paid, similar to a divided. Down the line they hope to set up a market for buying and selling those shares in an open market-type forum. You could buy an athlete's stock based on market conditions, like last off-season would've been a nice time to own stock in over-the-hill free agent relief pitchers (Orioles fans wince and nod).
And why would a player give away a portion of his major league salary? Well, because the minor league player receives money from the sale of his shares today by giving up a percentage of his contract down the line, if he makes the big-leagues. Presumably when he signs a major league deal giving up, say, 5% won't be a major loss compared to the benefits he receives today with his current minor league contract. Of course investors are not only buying based on the predicted value of his major league deal, but whether the player will even make the major leagues. From the athletes perspective the sale is like a form of insurance against that chance and the prospect of a below-than-expected major league deal.
So far only one athlete Randy Newsom has signed on (Newsom not Newman). Shares of Randy can be bought for $20 and there are 2,500 in all, meaning that Newson gets 50 grand upon sale and gives up 4% of his future major league earnings. 
As an economist this strikes me as a textbook example of networks effects and two-sided markets. The network effects aspect is obvious as like any market the market itself becomes more valuable to me personally the more people that buy and sell over it. Athletes are on the other side of the market and they to benefit from more users. For example, when uber college prospect Justin Smoak gets drafted this June his "IPO" will be bid up the more people that trade on RSI (and the more that Keith Law fawns over him).
The concept is very similar to the so-called Bowie Bonds in which an investor could purchase shares in the current and future revenue of David Bowie's collection (I wish I were joking). Apparently owning the rights to Let’s Dance and Changes isn’t the best long-term financial growth strategy as Moody’s lowered their rating to one notch above junk.
These market-maker examples are certainly intriguing and lead to a whole set of questions (do I, as 20% owner in Melvin Mora, get a say regarding his potential move to the outfield?). It’ll be fun to see if this concept has any legs.
Until then, here’s to hoping Borowski and Betancourt throw out their arms this spring, because me and my one share of Randy Newsom need a new pair of everything.
(Tip of the cap to Parker on the RSI find)
