He-Man Looks Back in Anger

Reflections and Regrets From a Former Master of the Universe

Part I: The Early Years


Look, I’ve made some mistakes. I’ve put some hard miles on this body, and when you’ve lived like I’ve lived, you’re bound to have a few things on the ol’ resume that you aren’t too proud of. But there’s one thing you should know about me: I put it all on the line, every goddamn day. I rolled the dice. I never played it safe. You know what I want on my tombstone? Balls-Out. That’s it. No “Here Lies He-Man” or any of that shit. Just Balls-Out. Balls. Out. What’s that old saying? The rolling stone gathers no moss? Well, I’ve rolled all over the goddamn world. And I was moss-free, baby. Moss-fucking-free. But now? I’m covered in the stuff. Just covered in it.

My counselor keeps telling me that I’m too trusting, that I make myself too vulnerable. He’s always like, “You can’t keep putting yourself in these situations, He-Man,” like I fucking asked to get robbed by that hooker in Carson City. Like I was wearing a goddamn sign that said, “Please stab me and rob me and roll my unconscious body into a ditch.” My counselor’s like, “He-Man, you make bad decisions.” Fuck you. You make bad decisions. You know what was a bad decision, Doc? Paying $175 an hour just to listen to you talk bullshit all day long. That was a fucking terrible decision. Give me a goddamn break. I’m He-Man. I don’t make bad decisions. I don’t even make decisions at all. Decisions are for pussies. I act. I go with the gut. And when you go with the gut, you’re gonna get stabbed and robbed by a few hooker hitchhikers every now and then. It happens. Cost of doin’ business, as they say. And I got a question for you: If this court-appointed counselor guy is a real doctor, then why can’t he prescribe medicine? I go up to him the other day and I’m like, “Hey Doc, it hurts when I sleep. Write me a note for some Oxy, will ya?” And he’s like, “Sorry He-Man. That’s not what you need. And I can’t write a prescription for you, anyway.” Fucking useless.

What were we talking about again? Right, right, my supposedly “reckless” habit of picking up hitchhikers. Look, if offering rides to poor strangers every now and again is wrong, then I’m never gonna be right, OK? I look out for the poor people of the world. It’s what I do. It’s my mission from God. Or Buddha, or Yoda, or whoever’s up there flipping burgers in that great Hardee’s in the sky. I know this might come across as a shock to some of you, but He-Man has a heart, ladies and gentlemen. He-Man cares. I’m sorry, but I do. I have a huge heart. Seriously, I have an enlarged heart. My doctor says it’s because of all the juice I’ve done over the years, but my old lady says it’s because I’m so full of love—and I’m inclined to believe her. Hey, did you ever see that Elephant Man movie? The one where he’s like, “Maybe my head is so big because it’s so full of dreams?” Well, maybe that’s why my heart got so big. Because it’s so full of love. And dreams. Yeah, that’s good shit right there, man. Write that down. Hey, you wanna hear something crazy? A few years ago, Michael Jackson went out and bought the Elephant Man’s bones. Now why in the world would somebody go and do something like that? This was back when he was the King of Pop, right? He had all the money in the world, and I guess he was like, “You know what I should do with all this coin? I should buy some dead freak’s bones.” And where would you even find that shit? Is there some kind of bone store out there that I don’t know about? He was an odd dude. Michael, I mean. Tito was pretty cool. We used to hang out. We cut an album together one time. Tito did his thing, and I rapped on it. Those were the early days of rap music. My name’s He-Man and I’m here to say, I’m the coolest guy in the USA. You know, real grassroots stuff.

He-Man in 2007 at the Toledo premiere of "Suplex of Love,"
a film about pro wrestling starring Mickey Rourke.
It was He-Man's directorial debut.
The film was not well-received.

‘Roids? You’re goddamn right I used ‘em. Of course I did. Everybody was juicing back then. I was playing JuCo ball down in San Jacinto—starting safety, plus I returned a few kicks and punts—and all the guys on my team were doing it, so I thought I’d give it a shot. Why not, right? But let me explain something to you: The shit we were doing back then wasn’t anything like that specialized junk you got nowadays. This stuff wasn’t gonna help you recover faster from workouts, or get more endurance or whatever. This shit was gonna get you big. And it worked. I have no idea what was in it. All I know is, this stuff was potent. You could basically shoot this shit in your ass and just sit around all day and drink beer and eat Fritos, and you’d still get huge.

Yeah, we had a pretty good team down there. Some crazy motherfuckers, that’s for sure. That’s where I met Duncan—you know, Man-At-Arms. He was a year ahead of me. Running Back. Went on to play at UT and got drafted 4th overall by the Oilers. Had a few good years in the League before he shredded his knee in a motorcycle accident. Clawful was down there in San Jacinto, too—but nobody called him Clawful back then. He was just Gary, the skinny-ass outside linebacker. He was quick and he could hit, but Coach was on his ass from day one telling him he had to get bigger, had to bulk up, had to add like 50 pounds of muscle if he ever wanted to play DI. Gary tried everything, but nothing worked. Then one of Gary’s buddies went down to Mexico and came back with some really crazy-looking stuff in a tiny little vial. It looked like clam chowder and smelled like the dumpster outside of Long John Silver’s. Turns out it was just anabolic mixed with crab juice, but Gary was desperate so he bought it. His buddy sold it to him for, like, a grand. He told him that the crab juice would make his bones harder—you know, like a crab’s shell. And I’ll be damned if that nasty-smelling shit didn’t work. Gary got big—real big. ‘Course, his hands turned into claws, but Gary didn’t care. I remember how he used to snip the tops off of beer cans. He’d snip ‘em off with that one giant claw of his and just guzzle ‘em down. I saw him snip his way through a couple of thirty-racks of Coors one night. Swear to god dude drank 60 beers. And if you think for a second that having claws prevented Gary from taking the field each week, then you don’t know JuCo football, my friend. Some of the teams we played, bro, having a crab-man on the field was the least of the ref’s concerns. I saw a guy get shot one time—and this was way before The Last Boy Scout came out. JuCo was no joke, man.

Anyway, after he got big, Gary dominated. Those claws made him impossible to block. He just tore through the line on every play. Led the league in sacks for two straight years. But after he killed that dude, the shit kinda hit the fan for ol’ Gary. Yeah, he killed a dude. You didn’t hear about it? Total accident. Some fool’s helmet came off, and he took a claw right to the dome. Frankly, I’m surprised it didn’t happen more often. Anyway, after it happened, Gary was done. None of the big DI programs would take him. Switzer tried to recruit him, but he backed off once the papers got wind of it. Something about having a half-crab with a manslaughter charge on the team just didn’t sit right with some of the folks in Oklahoma, I guess. Their loss, man. Gary was a great, great guy. Helluva linebacker, too. God damn, I miss that dude. Jesus, it’s been twenty years and I still can’t believe he’s dead.

How Will O.J. Jail?

After adding Kidnapping and Armed Robbery to a resume that already included Double Homicide and a Heisman, O.J. Simpson was sentenced to 15 years in prison today after being convicted of breaking into a Vegas hotel room and holding two men hostage in order to recover some sports memorabilia that he claimed had been stolen from him. Hey, it could happen to any of us.

But with the Juice headed for the stoney lonesome, the question remains: How will O.J. jail? How will he handle being behind bars? How will the other inmates and guards treat him? Does the prison where he's headed have a football team? Is AC fitting the Bronco with a battering ram to break through the prison walls and rescue O.J.? You know who this is, god dammit.

Jeff and Ryan break it down:

Ryan: I think the Juice will jail strong at first but eventually wear down. He'll surely do something stupid in there to prolong his stay.

Jeff: I'm torn on his jailin'. I just can't see how he'll jail strong. Too many years on the golf course, plus he's been out of the killin' game. Someone's gonna set him right early. I guess the best thing going for him is his Heisman and his contacts within the force.

By the way, we need to get on the Free Juice Train early this time; you know, before it gets really unpopular.

Ryan: Agreed. We've missed so many Free _____ Trains over the years. James Brown, Darryl Strawberry, Dexter Manley... Never again.

See, I think O.J. will jail strong for two reasons:

1. Most of his fellow inmates will respect the fact that he murdered two people and got away with it. He beat the system. He's a folk hero. Like that freezer lady in Georgia.

2. The dudes who have been locked up for a long time will only know him as O.J. the star running back. They've never seen the Naked Gun movies. They may have heard about his trial, but they didn't see the cartoonish side of it. He'll surely be the first pick for every rec yard sports team.

The guards could give him trouble, though. He just needs to remember one thing: You only do two days in prison--the day you get in, and the day Lawrence Phillips sneaks up on you in the mess hall and kills you.

Jeff: Lawrence Phillips, there's a man that jails strong.

Ryan: Somewhere Lance Ito is weeping on giant piles of money. You know... this never would've happened if Johnnie Cochran was still around.

Jeff: God rest his smutty soul.

Ryan: Good night, sweet prince.

According to an AP article that I read yesterday on ESPN.com, American goalkeeper Brad Friedel recently set the record for most consecutive English Premier League appearances, with 167. Friedel, who plays for Aston Villa, set the record on Saturday in a game against Fulham. Afterward, he had this to say about his longevity:

"I have been fortunate with injuries, touch wood, and when I have got the odd knock it has always seemed to coincide with international breaks."

Over here, we say "knock on wood," Brad. Touching wood is something else entirely.

And:

"Is it nice that I have been able to get a run of games? Yes, absolutely, but I hope to have many more games ahead of me."

A "run of games"? The "odd knock"? Yes, yes, and a wicked googly to you, too, good sir. Now if you'll excuse me, I must take the lift to the loo. I'm going on holiday in a fortnight and the lorry is a tad late with me tea and crumpets. You're from OHIO, Brad. Ohio.

British-isms aside, I'd like to congratulate Friedel. It has taken years for American soccer players to earn even a modicum of respect on the international stage, so it's good to see a U.S. player stick around for so long in what is arguably the greatest league in the world.

In related news, Tony Meola has worn the same pair of sweatpants for 167 straight days.









Brad Friedel is grizzled. Also, his team's primary sponsor is a 24-hour gambling site where you can go to place bets on English Premier League matches. Pete Rose played the wrong sport.

The New Latin America?

I am not one for link posts, but this needed to be shared.

http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/08329/930453-100.stm

Leave it to the Pittsburgh Pirates to think outside the box and mine the vast untapped resource known as the subcontinent...

What Would Mo Vaughn Do?

In celebration of Ryan graduating college and finally buying a flat screen as well as the Wizard's Bullets inspired start to the season, I’ve decided I need to watch more college basketball this year.

Since Maryland is picked to finish last in the ACC (how does this happen? Isn’t that why Virginia Tech, Boston College, and Miami were added? Jerrod Mustaf must be rolling on his bench) and Penn State is one of the worst major conference teams, I’ve decided to look for a new squad to root for. Sort of like when Simmons picked an EPL league, I’ve put together some conditions to evaluate my team.

1) Troubledness: on a scale of 1 to 10 with Doug Christie as a one, Darius Miles as a 7, and Stephen Jackson as a 13 (too troubled), we're looking for a solid 9. Somewhere in the Corey Dillon-seats: troubled for sure, but not too troubled to be suspended for any real lengths of time.

2) Underappeciated Alumni. Someone like Willie McGee or the inventor of Mouse Trap.

3) At least one fat dude. Goes without saying.

4) General Elegance. Blowed out locks, slam dunk chin-ups, coach that brings a gun to practice, all huge plusses.

5) State school? Naaa, Commuter School. The Richmonds and Vanderbilts of the world need not apply.

6) Basketball team's chances. The bottomline is that I want a team that makes the tournament. Sure I'll support the terrible teams of the world (We Are Penn State!), but that's the point of this exercise, to have a horse to ride come March.

From these criterion I short-listed my list to two candidates. Let's do a tale of the tape.

Virginia Commonwealth vs. Seton Hall:

School Commonly referred to as: VCU vs. The Hall. Not a good start for the South

Famous alumni I can recite without going to Wikipedia: Gerald Henderson (ok, that required Wiki) vs. Maurce F'n Vaughn. This might not be close.

Wikipedia alumni: VCU's alumni is shockingly unfun. I mean "Saul Krugman"?!? I wonder what vaccine he invented?! Am I right!? (Huh, apparently Hepatitis B). The only ones worth mentioning are "Several founding members of the band GWAR"- actually, that's pretty cool- and "Donwan Harrell", founder of the New York-based urban clothing company Akademiks (see, the egregious spelling makes it cool!). Seton Hall on the other hand has Mo Vaughn. Oh, and Eddie Griffin, may God bless his smutty soul. The Hall is 3 and 0.

Basketball team's chances: VCU still has some of the team that beat Duke two years ago, including Eric Maynor. The Hall upset 23rd-ranked USC last night. VCU is on the board.

Fat Dudes: VCU no one over 240. Seton Hall's starting center is a generous 265... and he's 75 pounds lighter than his backup who weighs in at nearly three and a half bills, plus the dude at 345 is named "Melvyn".

OK, the slaughter rule has been declared.

I was kind of hoping that Ben Wallace's and Charles Oakley's school, Virginia Union, was somehow the same as VCU. [An aside: you don't have to believe in God or whatever, but to say that there's no such thing as destiny is to ignore the fact that Ben Wallace and Charles Oakley went to the same tiny school in Virginia.]

The bottomline is that I'm buying a Terry Dehare throwback and cheering for Seton Hall this season.

Need more evidence including slam dunk chin-ups? Watch the highlight from last night's game.

Seriously Tim Floyd, I realize you're trying to get canned and so you're wearing an untucked polo shirt, but dog, at least comb your hair; for god's sake you're in public.

You'll Always Be the Devil Rays to Me

A few observations as I was watching the Rays hold off the Red Sox in nail-biting fashion the other night:

1. This marks the eighth time in the past eleven years that the American League representative in the World Series has come from the A.L. East—and the first time during that time frame that the A.L. East has been represented by a team other than the Yankees or the Red Sox. This makes me happy. I’d be happier if the team in question was a scrappy bunch of underachievers in orange and black, but, as my dad says, “If wishes were horses, then scientists would clone Matt Wieters and he'd be able to play every position and pitch, even, and nobody would think it was weird that the Orioles were winning a bunch of games with a roster full of cloned dudes because they’d be too busy getting their asses handed to them by an army of Wieters.”

My dad says that all the time.

2. David Price. Good at baseball. David Blaine. Bad at magic.

"For my next trick, I will attempt to dribble a football. Seriously, guys, it's not that easy."

They look kind of similar, right?

3. Rays fans don't know how to party. This is not a big surprise, I guess. Tampa is not a baseball town, after all. (I guess it’s a football town? I’m really not sure. Tampa is mysterious. They have alligators there). And I realize that, as recently as a month ago, the Rays' entire fan base consisted of 37 relatives of Dioner Navarro, the staff at Baseball Prospectus and my Uncle Wayne. And, yes, for the first ten years of their existence, the Rays were utterly, spectacularly terrible, and it’s hard to rally around a 5th place team. But none of these reasons can excuse the following transgressions of fandom that occurred during the ALCS:


a. The signs in the Tampa stands were hilariously amateurish. I (Heart) Upton! read one. Beat Those Sox! read another. And when the final out was recorded, a few fans in the upper deck dramatically unfurled a vinyl sign that read: “First Time in History.” Nevermind the fact that ten years is not a lot of "history." The sign looked like it had been lifted from a used car lot, like they had cut off the bottom part that said "Geo Prizms and Dodge Neons Priced Under $1K! No, Money Down!"

Dear Rays fans: you owe the fans from Bases Loaded royalties for those horrible signs.

Does no one in Tampa have the ability to craft an even halfway decent pun? No ‘Bring the Pena’? No ‘Rays ‘em up’? It took me two seconds to come up with those, and I'm not even drunk. Well, I'm kind of drunk.


b. The celebration music they were playing in the stadium made me envious of the deaf.

In the song “Counting Bodies Like Sheep to the Rhythm of the War Drum” by A Perfect Circle, there’s a moment when singer Maynard James Keenan hisses Go back to sleep in a voice that sounds like knives being sharpened. It takes place roughly three minutes into the song, and it is terrifying. When the Rays were celebrating their victory on the field, the song playing over the loudspeaker sounded like a loop of that same terrifying, sharp-edged line. It is a frighteningly awesome line, from a frighteningly awesome song. But to listen to it—or something that sounded like it—over and over was the aural equivalent of staring directly into Medusa’s eyes. After a minute, my ears started to bleed. After two minutes, I ran upstairs to grab my baby daughter from her crib, all but certain that the apocalypse was nigh. And before we reached the fourth minute, I had turned to stone. This was not celebration music. This was music to accompany great and terrible acts of violence. This was music to justify an insanity plea. And yet, it was still better than “Celebrate good times, c’mon!”*.


4. I'd like to point out that Jeff and I liked the Rays way, way before it was cool. Like, back in the days of Crime Dog and Greg Vaughn.


My Series prediction? Rays in 6. However, part of me will be rooting for the Phillies because, if they win, the city of Philadelphia will riot—and Papa needs a new Liberty Bell.



* Please do not read this as an indictment of Kool or any of the members of his Gang—all of whom are fine, upstanding citizens who have more Funkiness in their little fingers than I have in my entire Dockers-wearing, Double-Windsor-knotting body.

The NFC West

You know what's awesome? Having your team play in the NFC West. Seriously. You should try it. 0-2 start you say? 1-6 on the Wide Receiver depth chart out with injuries you say? Don't worry, you play the St. Louis Rams.

But seriously, thank you Redskins. Beating Arizona for us was clutch. Maybe if we meet in the playoffs again we won't beat you this time. Well, no, sorry, we'll still beat you. That is, if Matt Hasselbeck has a professional wide receiver to throw to. I think he will. In fact, I think he will by week 5. We should have Branch and Engram back by the time we play Arizona, Boldin should be injured by then, and we'll be fine. Because we play in the NFC West. And it's awesome.

So, regardless of what I titled this post, it's really just a random football ramble. These are my thoughts on the NFL after Week 3. Well, the Jets and Chargers play tonight, but seriously, who cares.

The Bills. They're good. They're the best team in the AFC East. They will win the AFC East, because Miami and NYJ still suck, and, despite what a lot of people who hate good teams say, Tom Brady actually is a very good quarterback, and replacing him with just anybody doesn't mean that O-line, that system, Bill Belichick, and Randy Moss can still mow people down.

Eli Manning. He's good??? I guess so. I mean, I thought there was a chance that winning the Super Bowl meant he'd turned a corner, but it was kind of fluky. And he hasn't looked fantastic. But I've seen a couple plays (down field to Toomer in OT with a gorgeous bomb) where he actually looks like THE Manning.

Speaking of THE Manning... Indy sucks. Oh, and Jacksonville doesn't look very good either. Who's going to win that division? Who cares? Once Tennessee gets in the mix, I stop paying attention.

You know what? The AFC sucks this year. At least so far. I know a lot can change, but really. The only bright spots I think are the Broncos, who I'm calling for the Super Bowl, and the Bills. Every other team is just disappointment. When the Chargers lost in Week 1, I heard people say that it was a surprise because they were a favorite for the Super Bowl. They were? Why? Their defense is good (or should be). Their QB is Phillip fucking douche bag Rivers, their coach is Norv "I'm actually an offensive coordinator pretending to be a head coach" Turner, and LT can only do so much. I mean, really, he can do SOOOOO MUCH, but that's not enough to beat a good Broncos team. Hell, aparently it's not enough to beat a bad Carolina team. AT HOME.

But you know what else? The NFC is pretty fucking awesome. As much as I hate to admit it, the Cowboys are good. Luckily, they play in the polar opposite of the NFC West, the NFC EAST. Holy crap that division is awesome and always has been. The Eagles look sick. The Giants look back and forth, but pretty damn good. The Cowboys will win the division and then Romo will make a bonehead play to lose in the playoffs. Seriously, I think Romo's career is going to be shadowed like this the entire way. He's going to be very good, but make boneheaded, dimple-faced, good ol' boy grinnin' mistakes when they really matter and he'll just never be awesome. In last week's game against the Eagles, when he fumbled in the end zone, recovered, turned to see 3 green monsters swarming on him, why didn't he just hurl the ball away? Can it be grounding if there's been a fumble? Anyway, Romo is like the best quarterback that sucks. I hate Romo.

The St. Louis Rams, the Kansas City Chiefs, the Detroit Lions. These teams are very bad. Like abysmal. When you've got Julius Jones and TJ Duckett combining for over 200 yds rushing, combined with a passing attack that consists of a guy named Courtney and another named Bumpus scoring on you, you are a terrible, awful, unbelievably bad football team. Thank you St. Louis Rams.

I hate watching games involving the Chicago Bears and the Baltimore Ravens. I mean, if you can assemble an entire defense as good as they have, why can't you assemble... a quarterback. What's hilarious is that Baltimore actually tries to. They love drafting them some qb's.

I miss Wide Receivers. Seriously. Last week, before the game, I was excited that we were going to have Seneca Wallace as a starting WR, because he's awesome. Our backup QB is 5th on our WR depth chart. That's cool. What's not cool is having to have your 5th WR start as your #1. Well, having to, but not being able to because HE TOO GETS INJURED. 1-6. Unbelievable. Has this ever happened before? Deion Branch, Bobby Engram, Nate Burleson (IR), Ben Obomanu (IR), Seneca Wallace, Logan Payne (IR). What? 3 on IR too! What the hell. We RE-SIGNED Koren Robinson for christ's sake! We actually traded a DRAFT PICK for Keary Colbert. We played Courtney Taylor, Michael Bumpus, and Billy McMullen???? Who are these guys? They sound like characters in a Dukes of Hazzard rip off.

Feels good to get that off my chest. Well I'm kind of done rambling. Wilson, congrats to your Bills, they look great. As do the Eagles. My Seahawks are in shambles, and I'm still fairly confident we'll make the playoffs. Teams from Ohio are awful.

I'm stoked about the season, even though I should be terrified. But my Seahawks play in the NFC West, so everything is going to be alright.

The King is Dead, Long Live the King

A post is coming on the forthcoming ascendancy of the Bills and the end of the Belichick reign of terror. I'm just so delirious with happiness that I can't really string together words complete sentences in. Post tomorrow maybe I will write.

Obama Acceptance Speech Drinking Game

A drinking game, sure to keep you sober, in honor of tonight's historic speech:

Obama comes out wearing a Trevor Pryce jersey: one beer

Obama comes out wearing an Elvis Dumervil-autographed helmet: 10 beers

Obama refers to the South as having “Selvin Young type-upside”: Six beers

He refers to Invesco Field as “the House that Michael Dean Perry built”: 75 beers

Obama analogizes John McCain as once the 2000 version of Ed McCaffrey, but now nothing more than the 2003 version: seven beers

Obama acknowledges the dignitaries in the crowd: Civil Rights Leaders (no beers), Elway (one sip), Terrell Davis (one beer), Steve Atwater (two beers), Karl Mecklenburg (fifth of Beam).

Obama calls Terrell Davis "the Greatest Runningback of all-time-dot-com": 12 beers and a box of Bugles (box of Big Cheez-It if low on Bugles)

Obama gives a somewhat uplifting speech that really doesn’t say too much, but was kind of cool in an Outdoor Hockey kind of way: one to two good beers, casually drank.

The Should-Have-Been GTA Soundtrack

Sorry about the few posts. I'm lazy, and libertarianism and Buffalo Bills are the only two things I know anything about and neither Ron Paul nor Trent Edwards has done anything interesting lately so I've been quiet.

Aside: I'm lying of course. Trent Edwards went 9-11 with 2 TDS against the Steelers and looked awesome. I really believe he will be good, and you guys better get out of my way during the fantasy football draft. Lee Evans is set for a huge breakout.

Continuing then with my theme of writing about things that no one but me cares about, I'm going to write about Grand Theft Auto IV and heavy metal music. Specifically about my favorite songs for careening recklessly down a faux-Seventh Avenue in a stolen Lamborghini while being chased by a police helicopter and 30 FBI Hummers.

Another Aside: If you aren't playing GTA, you really ought to be. It's among the most highly reviewed games in history, and for good reason. It's quite fun, and very impressive as an achievement. Other things you probably aren't doing but should be doing include: Watching The Venture Brothers, buying an iPhone, and reading Watchmen.

I understand that the game comes with a built in soundtrack. It's extremely vast, with songs from all different genres. Not terrible, but certainly not appriciative of what goes on in this game. Sticking to the classic rock station as an example, we have songs like Q Lazzarus' "Goodbye Horses". A fine song, but conjuring up mellow-yet-creepy images of Ted Levine dancing around naked with his weiner tucked between his legs while I'm trying to jump the Hudson River on a motorcycle. . .well you can see where I have a problem. The jazz station is classy, but seriously. . .a jazz station? Do we really want to associate Charlie Parker's good name and smooth sax with firing a submachine gun through the window of an oncoming police cruiser?

I have here several bands that surely would not mind being associated with such imagery. They have often put worse on their album covers.

1. Black Sabbath - Die Young

You all know my affinity for Ronnie James Dio. If I ever fully embrace the image of a blogger (i.e. someone who acts like an expert but actually doesn't know a damn thing) I will write a post someday about how he is the greatest voice in rock and roll history.

Dio: Turning kids to Satanism decades before Marilyn Manson

In 1979 the non-Ozzy members of Black Sabbath decided to fire Ozzy Ozzborne for drinking too much--somewhat like being fired from Weezer for being too much of a hipster. So they turned to the greatest voice in rock music, who had been in such awesome bands as Elf, and Rainbow (both very gay sounding, both very awesome). Subsequently, they released my favorite Sabbath album.

The title track from this album, "Heaven and Hell", is actually already in the game. It just lacks the punch that Die Young does, having a very slow tempo for the first 5 minutes of the song (ala Stairway). Die Young, takes a break in the middle, but that's a perfect time to back up before you blast through that police barricade at the song's big crescendo. The guitar solo (which is approximately 30 minutes long) is so perfect for this game. The lyrics are helpful, as well.

Gather the wind
Though the wind won't help you fly at all
Your back's to the wall
Then chain the sun
And then it turns around and face you
As you run, you run, you run!

So live for today
Tomorrow never comes
Die young, young!

2. Helloween - Murderer (terrible quality, download it!)

I think most of you probably don't know Helloween because you don't follow German 80's Speed Metal. Consider this your introduction to the fastest and cheeziest band in history. They are hilarious, and awesome. This song may as well have been written for GTA. I would not recommend playing it while you are driving for real, because you will feel almost compelled to activate the acceleromatrix in your car (I don't drive myself; cars still have acceleromatrices, right?)

Lyrics:

Look for a safe place where noone will find you
And try to escape from the law
Wherever you are there's a killer behind you
Wanting to get you for sure
To lose the fear that one day he will get you
Be faster and kill him and run
Now you don't have to fear him no more
But in his place another headhunter will come
...run away!

3. Judas Priest - Breaking the Law

Come on. I don't really need to write anything here. The song maybe isn't fast enough for the car-chase-theme I have going on here, but it's pretty close. The lyrics and classic nature make up the difference.

4. Van Halen - Unchained

This comes off of Van Halen's best album, and their most under-played album, "Fair Warning". This album rocks. It's not conventional Van Halen. There's more interesting stuff going on than on albums like "1984" and Unchained displays some of that. The absolutely rocking chorus is great for flying around corners and weaving through traffic. Like some of the other songs on this list, there is a great slow interlude which then builds back into the driving force of the melody.

Lyrics:


Change, nothin' stays the same
Unchained, and ya hit the ground runnin'
Change, ain't nothin' stays the same
Unchained, yeah ya hit the ground runnin'

5. Dead Kennedys - Police Truck

This song is one of my favorite Dead Kennedys songs. It's very funny, fast, and has a distinctive sound. The guitar impresses me, and I think it's a great fit on this list as well. The lyrics are wildly unsafe for work, so I won't post them. I love this song though.


Third aside: Did you know Jello Biafra, lead singer for the Dead Kennedys, ran for president? I love his voice, hate his politics, and love his name. In 2000 the Green Party of New York State nominated him, but he lost the primary to Ralph Nader. People make fun of the Libertarians, and rightfully so, but the Greens are just as nuts.

Actually, I'd vote for the guy.

Anyway, to be continued. Watch that Venture Brothers episode.