Cruel Blog-Filled World

A Stray Post

2011-11-16T09:09:00.003-05:00

I needed to put this somewhere, but Facebook seemed like the wrong place. Probably because it would lead to people reading it.

The Argument for Health Care Paternalism

My problem with arguments for paternalism like this one is two-fold (or at least, these are the two folds I have worked out so far):

1) How do we distinguish consumers "making mistakes" from consumers "making choices that we don't like/we wouldn't make"? That is, how do we separate weird preferences from irrationality? Who determines how much discounting of future health risks is "excessive discounting of future health risks" and how much is "too much concentration on dimensions that allow easy comparisons"?

2) Supposing that consumers do make mistakes, the case for regulation rests on the assumption that the establishment will not make the same (or worse) mistakes, which is hugely questionable given that it is left up to political processes. Okay, subsidize preventative care: how much? It's easy to say that a small subsidy moves us towards efficiency, but are the efficiency gains worth the institutional costs?

Obviously the health care market is far from the Econ 101 benchmark, and all of the informational arguments made by Dr. McFadden are clearly apt. Improving information provision in the health care market is necessary. But I'm not sure that regulation of the kind currently being considered offers much improvement, given the flaws inherent in our policy-making processes.

Why don't he write? An abbreviated NFL Draft Preview

2011-04-28T11:19:00.018-04:00

Christmas, the 4^thof July, and Opening Day are all here! This year’s NFL draft post will be a lazy rendition of past versions but, this just in, blogs are a time suck. So without further disclaimer for mediocrity, below is a homeless version of Peter King’s things I think I think...

I think, fairly or unfairly, I'm fairly certain Nick Fairley would be my first pick and a fairly good player. Cam Newton was the quarterback of the National Champion, but Nick Fairley carried that team.

Seems Fairley obvious to me

I think Patrick Peterson is the safest pick, but I think no GM has the balls to take a corner #1 even if Darrelle Revis is the best defensive player in football.

I think Marcell Dareus was named after a store brand battery, and will be renting a campsite from Big Daddy Warren in three years.

Better start eating, kid

I think AJ Green is A LOT better than Julio Jones. A LOT.

I think I’m bored with the lockout already. I wish Johnnie Cochran was still with us.

I think Jake Locker will be the best quarterback in this class, though I’m not sure that’s saying much.

I think it’s an extremely weak top of draft if two players from the University of Missouri go in the top 11 picks.

I think Mike Pouncey should give half his signing bonus to his brother.

I think I forgot to put out the trash this morning.

I think Muhammad Wilkerson, the defensive lineman from Temple, is someone I have to like.

I think Blaine Gabbert will be one of the best quarterbacks in Argonauts history.

Rocket Ismail likes this

I think it’s been too long since I’ve had a slurpee.

I think Da'Quan Bowers, the pride of Bamberg (after my father-in-law), is a top 5 player that goes in the 20s.

I think Todd McShay was better in Wedding Crashers than he was in The Hangover.

I think Mark Ingram to the Pats hurts my dynasty fantasy team.

I think Deion Sanders should be the Charles Barkley of NFL telecasts.

I think NFL “draft experts” need to grow some balls. If Cam Newton is not worthy of the top pick do not make him your #6 overall prospect. If Nick Fairley has fallen because he only played one season of D-1 don’t make him your top player before “realizing” he played just one year. If Blaine Gabbert is not listed in your first round do not give him a top 10 ranking the day he declares because it is a weak QB class.

I think the Lions will fall into another great pick. I’d guess Prince Amukamara.

I think Phil Taylor from Baylor rhymes. I also think Phil Taylor has all-ugly hall of fame potential.

I think it’s funny that Brooks Reed from Arizona will go late in the first or early in the second because he reminds people of Clay Matthews but Casey Matthews, Clay’s brother, will go in round four or five.

I think Ryan Williams is going to be a fantasy monster.

I think no one is talking about the rookie wage scale. Doesn't your calculus change if Cam Newton costs $30M instead of $80M?

I think Ras-I Dowling is the only draft pick whose autographed picture is on my mantle. I think at worst he’s the best Ras-I not in the Blind Boys of Alabama (probably).

I think Brandon Harris from Miami makes up part of the best cornerback class I can remember.

I think to save time the NFL should start printing “Mallett” Raiders’ jerseys now.

I think Jonathan Baldwin is either good Antonio Bryant or bad Antonio Bryant.

I know I wish Ted Leonsis owned the Redskins.

Q and A

2009-08-30T15:32:00.009-04:00

Throughout history, our singers and songwriters have asked countless questions through their works. I am here to answer those asinine questions...

(Who Wrote) The Book of Love?
The Monotones

While I'm not sure it can be considered the definitive work on the subject, the Book of Love was written by William Kotzwinkle.
Hey, Hey What Can I Do?
Led Zeppelin

You've got a woman who refuses to be true, who is perpetually under the influence of alcohol, and who seemingly receives solicitations at church services. If I interpret your tale correctly, you, sir, are in love with a prostitute, and a pretty prolific one at that. The first thing you can and should do is get tested. After that, I would suggest you try to get your life back on track. Resist the urges to "keep a-searchin' all around / Lookin' for your street corner girl." Maybe you can meet someone nice at church? You know, someone who doesn't sell their body on street corners?

No... I'm asking you, isn't she?
Isn't She Lovely?
Stevie Wonder

She's alright, I guess. But how would you know?

Where have all the Cowboys gone
Paula Cole

If you mean these Cowboys, Aikman calls games with Joe Buck, Emmitt was on Monday Night Countdown, and Irvin is currently Dancing with the Stars (not to be confused with dancing on the star).

If you mean these Cowboys, Heath Ledger died of a drug overdose and Jake Gyllenhaal is starring in an upcoming, sure-to-be-terrible movie adaptation of The Prince of Persia video games and dating a very attractive woman.

If you mean these Cowboys, they eventually fell victim to the Earp Vendetta Ride, aka "The Last Charge of Wyatt Earp and his Immortals".

Greatest... Western... Ever...

Otherwise, the archetypal American "cowboy" died out when the advent of barbed wire made open range ranching a thing of the past, thus eliminating the need for long cattle drives.

Why Can't We Be Friends?
War/The Mighty, Mighty Bosstones/Smash Mouth

It probably has something to do with you being responsible for the song "Low Rider"/ that "knock on wood" song/the song "All Star"

Can You See Me?
The Jimi Hendrix Experience

Oh yes, Jimi, I can see you. I can even listen to you. But I can't hear you. Sidney Deane made that abundantly clear.

"Look man, you can listen to Jimi but you can't hear him. There's a difference man. Just because you're listening to him doesn't mean you're hearing him."

Of Sam Dalembert's Value, Cole's Thumbs, and Jeff's Doghouse

2009-06-24T11:16:00.015-04:00

Srikant and I have been discussing the NBA draft since our teams were eliminated from contention, roughly November 3rd for me. Like the Super Draft, we’re going to go back and forth, and will critique each other’s selection. I’ve drawn the long fry and will pick first.

Jeff, Pick 1: Blake Griffin

Only a retard would pass on a 6’10” forward with equal parts production and projection. While Griffin is certainly a special player and an outright banger, the player comparables for him have gotten a bit out of control. One read “a more athletic Karl Malone”. Now I’d buy a “less fertile Karl Malone” or an “environmentally conscious Karl Malone”, but comparables are supposed to be a player’s most likely career path not their absolute upside. Chad Ford’s comparable is “Carlos Boozer meets Amar'e Stoudemire”. This projects roughly to:

Amare: “Hey Los, how’s Utah?”
Booz: “You know it sucks ‘Mar‘e. How’s the microfracture?”
Amare: “Small. Broken. Screw over any blind people today?”
Booz: “Yes, several. Thanks for asking.”
Amare: “Well, I gotta go add another apostrophe to my name; ahoy hoy.”

Srikant’s Take: There is no argument with this pick. He is the consensus number 1 and it’s not even close. It’s a shame that such a great talent has to go to a succubus like the LA Clippers (stupid lottery), but maybe he and Baron Davis develop chemistry. Maybe the Clippers are able to unload Zach Randolph to Isaiah Thomas and FIU. Maybe Marcus Camby accepts his role as a 6th man, and we see a front court of Chris Kaman and Griffin giving team’s fits. That’s only the start of the maybes, and I don’t believe any of them. Who’s the real loser in all this? Griffin? The NBA? I say it’s those two loveable ligaments, born and bred in Oklahoma, Blake’s ACL and Blake’s MCL. I would be astounded if Griffin plays 50 games this year. The poor kid and his millions of dollars…

Srikant, Pick 2: Ricky Rubio

In an ideal world Rubio goes number 2 (he won’t Thabeet will, and he will bust). He has tremendous upside, and is just scratching the surface of his talent. A simple look through youtube, and images of Pete Marovich are conjured. Yes he is young, yes he has questionable range, and yes Brandon Jennings could beat him one on one. Still when it comes to vision, anticipation, and basketball IQ, no one in this draft compares to him. He plays basketball like a soccer player would, seeing cuts and through balls before anyone else does. Plus he has been playing against pros for most of his basketball life, and as we learned last year, the difference between Europe and the NBA is a lot smaller than we all think.

Jeff’s Take: The best basketball playing Spanish teenager in this draft is yours. I actually don’t have any problem with the pick. I do have a problem with GMs saying a pass-first point guard performed mediocre in one-on-one or one-on-none workouts. In a related story, the Kings are implementing their new NBA Jam offense. Carril you magnificent bastard.

Jeff, Pick 3: James Harden

Number 3 is a toss-up for me between Tyreke Evans, the guy I want to pick, and the guy I should pick, Jimmy Harden. Safety wins out over potential. Despite bearing an uncanny resemblance to the bastard child of Elton Brand and my old neighbor Tim, Harden is a do everything-guard that will fill up a stat sheet and play a lot of years in this league. He might never be an all-star, but his game reminds me of a cheaply made American version of Manu Ginobilli: a tough lefty that can get to the basket and can take over down the stretch. Despite the fact that neighbor Tim spent one cruel summer living in my parent’s doghouse (like there was evidence this happened), I’d be ecstatic if Harden ends up on the Wizards. Plus, the commute from my parent’s backyard can be made in under an hour.

Srikant’s Take: I will disagree and say that I think Tyreke Evans belongs here. I can’t really say that I don’t like Harden as a player, because he was spectacular this past year in the PAC-10. I even would go as far as to say Harden is probably better than Evans right now. However, in 2-3 years I think Evans will be one of the best combo guards in the game. I would take Evans ahead of Harden slightly on potential (basically a toss-up between the two).

Srikant, Pick 4: Tyreke Evans

I distinctly remember Jeff and I coming to work on the Monday after the first weekend of the NCAA tournament, and both going “Man I love Tyreke Evans.” He just wows you with his ability to get to the rim at will, his speed, and his size (measurables in Kiper lingo). Like previous Memphis star Derrick Rose, he seems to be they type of uber athlete that could cause a matchup disaster for opponents (especially if he plays at the 1). As an aside, how great of a name is Tyreke. It allows you to go with the traditional moniker of Ty if you want, or if you what to be a free spirit you could go with Zeke or Eke, or even Reke. The possibilities are endless.

Jeff’s Take: Needless to say, I love this pick. While his basement is Larry Hughes, the Jerry Stackhomes comparison seems legit to me. I really have no problem with him going as high as #2. His defense and mid-range game will play immediately. I think an OJ Mayo rookie year is likely.

Jeff, Pick 5: Steph Curry

The best shooter since Ray Allen with range like Rocky Gorge. With the exception of Griffin, Curry seems least likely to bust, only because his shot will play, even if his ball handling prevents him from being an elite guard. Fun fact on Davidson, which makes me wonder why it’s not a better sporting school, all students get their laundry done at no additional charge.

Srikant’s Take: Dell’s kid? He can shoot the lights out, but so could J.J. Reddick. This is a tough call. He is a really likeable player, who just about lit up every team he played, but I have concerns about his size and handle. Still, I am not sure I like the other guards much better (Flynn, Jennings). I like the pick if he can make the transition to PG, otherwise I think you have to hope he turns into an effective set shooter in the Steve Kerr mold. One of my favorite comments in re Stephen Curry being a lottery pick came from a co-worker, “I once knew a kid who was the best player at Davidson (Ian Johnson)…he plays intermittently in Sweden.”

Srikant, Pick 6: Hasheem Thabeet

So I lose the contest of who breaks first and takes Thabeet. I am going to come out and say that I think Thabeet is one of the most over-rated prospects in years. DeJuan Blair, who was measured at 6’5 and played at 300+ pounds, absolutely dominated him. His main offensive move is to catch and dunk, and all he really did at UConn was just roam around and block shots. So why am I taking him here? It’s just that he is tall, seems adept at timing shot blocks, and is pretty athletic for a guy is size. So…I guess there is an outside chance he could be Dikembe Mutombo, a defensive stopper who rebounds, and gets you 10-15 a night. While I think he more likely will be like Sam Dalembert (which would be fine, except that Sam was picked 26th overall), I think you have to take a shot with him at 6. As low as I am on him, other people seem to be high on him, so everyone can’t be wrong, can they? (I wonder how many GM’s think this way…certainly Chris Wallace).

Jeff’s Take: It only makes sense that the president, founder, and lone member of the Samuel Dalembert Fan Club takes Thabeet. You argue against Steph Curry for being one dimensional, then take a seven footer from Dar Es Salaam because GMs of terrible teams that consistently have top 5 picks like the guy? Somewhere Manute Bol is plowing a field he doesn’t love…

Jeff, Pick 7: Ty Lawson, b*tches.

Why the most productive college point guard on the National Champion with pro-game is a mid-to-late first rounder is beyond me. John Hollinger confirmed what I thought all along, “his shooting numbers (47.1 percent on 3-pointers), strong assist rate and microscopic turnover ratio (9.1, first among point guard prospects) all point to him as an NBA keeper.” If you want a safe point guard, Lawson’s the pick. He’s a sure-fire NBA starting point guard. You have to love a league that criticizes players like Brandon Jennings and Jrue Holiday that had trouble earning consistent minutes and then put up mediocre numbers when they did play, and yet is so intrigued by their mystery and upside that they take them 10 spots ahead of player like Lawson. You know with three years of college there’s a good chance Brandon Jennings would’ve been the best point guard in college… sort of like Ty Lawson was this year. HUH?!

Srikant’s Take: Lawson is explosive, and would be great on a team like Philly or Golden State. I agree that for some reason teams don’t seem as high on him as they should be, especially considering that he had arguably the best year of any player in the NCAA last year. Quickly back to Sam Dalembert…how dare you! What’s not to like about a 6’11, 250 pound Canadian. He almost averages a double-double (8 and 8), and he runs the floor like a gazelle. I will not have you using this blog as a forum to disgrace his good name. No Sir.

Srikant, Pick 8: Brandon Jennings

I think Jennings and Johnny Flynn are pretty much in a dead heat at this point. Jennings gets the nod because I think that we can chalk up his struggles this year in Europe to growing pains, and I think he has the potential to be better than Flynn. I also respect the hell out of his decision to call out David Stern’s ridiculous rule regarding the entry of HS athletes into the draft (which has created a new era of 1 and done college hoops). As a player, Jennings is a bit flashy, and I think he could turn into a Stephon Marbury clone, which scares me. However, he is freakishly athletic, can play well above the rim, has great range, and when he is on, he can make the jaw dropping play. Another plus, he seems to be coachable, according to one scout, "In every area he's gotten better. You can't say the same thing about Jrue Holiday or Jonny Flynn or whoever you want to put up there. This kid's learning curve has been dramatic. The numbers are just a part of the story." So here is hoping that I didn’t just draft Jamal Crawford/Stephon Marbury/insert “I needs to get mine” guard.

Jeff’s Take: How can I knock a shit talker with a flat top this smooth that said FU to the NCAA? Look, the kid was smart to do what he did. He averages more fouls than assists per game in college and he goes undrafted, but in the Euroleague he’s mature. But dude couldn’t get on the floor in Italy, not sure how he does in the big league? He could be good, obviously, he’s a likely lottery pick, but it seems to me you’re talking three years before you start seeing anything from the kid. If you’re a GM living one season to the next, do you take that risk?

Jeff, Pick 9: Earl Clark

You know I’m taking Earl Clark. In five years Earl Clark is going to either be a unique NBA player in the Lamar Odom mold with unreal passing skills and a matchup nightmare or dominating midnight basketball versus his fellow janitors. Simply put: I like both of these scenarios. I love this kid’s low post game and even though he gets a little lazy at times, what midnight janitor doesn’t? Also, let me be the first to lobby for Earl Clark to put his full name on his jersey. EARL CLARK. Beautiful.

Srikant’s Take: Oh the glorious janitor’s game. I remember watching those back in college. The few times I had to play because there weren’t enough janitors, I stood in the corner and passed the ball. A noble end to humbled basketball dreams. Man those janitors could flat out ball. Earl Clark, hmmm…Well, Earl (saying Earl never gets old) is a bit of a turnover machine, and sometimes he can’t match the other team's physicality and toughness (oddly this happened to him in Louisville’s blow out loss at the hands of Notre Dame, where Luke Harangody outscored him 32-11). I am not even sure he is the best player on his college team (Terrance Williams?). He has a good deal of potential, but this seems awfully high for him. I would take Johnny Flynn, Terrance Williams, Gerald Henderson, Jrue Holiday, and Demar DeRozan ahead of him probably. Also, I am not sure I would take Earl Clark, with the guy I am about to select still on the board….

Srikant, Pick 10: DeJuan Blair

As a University of Pittsburgh fan, I watched a lot of DeJuan this year. This kid is a beast, end of story. He is relentless on the offensive glass, and he just out muscles everyone he plays. He basically had his way with players 6 or 7 inches taller than him. He has a long wingspan that makes up for his shorter height, and he has giant hands that act like “suction cups”( quoting Bill Raftery). Here are his splits against notable college big men:

Hasheem Thabeet: 22 and 23.
Derrick Brown: 10 and 17
Luke Harangody: 22 and 23
Lazar Hayword: 23 and 9
Dante Cunningham: 20 and 10

I really think Blair could be a lot like a combination of Paul Millsap and Chuck Hayes (or even better). Indications are that he has lost weight and is down to a sleek 275 (with a body fat % under 8%). Worst comes to worst, I think he ends up like Craig Smith. I realize this is high for Blair, as most mock drafts have him between 11-20, but aside from some concerns about his knees, I think he is one of the most productive and fierce players in the draft. Doesn't hurt that he comes from the City of Champions. In a related note, I am really glad the NBA has finally come to its senses, and realized that under-sized 4’s shouldn’t be automatically relegated to the FA pool. In recent years we have seen Glen Davis, Paul Milsap, and Chuck Hayes all succeed as shorter post players. I think with the pace of the game today, combined with the realization that girth, will and determination can trump height, we will see a lot more undersized 4’s coming into the league in coming years.

Jeff’s Take: You simple, predictable man. Jonny Flynn should be the pick here, but I love taking a 6’5” power forward with terrible knees and at pick 10. I know you just wanted to get a plug in for Blair, and I can’t fault you for that; heck, I took Harden over Evans because I today realized he looks like my old neighbor! One of the more enjoyable subplots for me during the draft process has been following DeJuan Blair's medical reports. In the past month it’s gone from tearing an ACL in high school to multiple ACL tears to “troubling knees” to “red-flag injury” to this most recent report “it's only come to light in recent days that those concerns have to do with the fact that doctors can't seem to find his ACLs in the MRIs they've taken”. Srikant, who am I to argue? As you mention, Blair DOMINATED your boy Thabeet, and let’s be honest, Cole don’t need thumbs.

Q and A

2009-05-31T18:12:00.013-04:00

Throughout history, our singers and songwriters have asked countless questions through their works. I am here to answer those asinine questions...

Should I Stay or Should I Go?
The Clash

Judging by your own calculations, if you go there will be trouble, but if you stay there will be twice as much trouble. So, clearly, you should go.

Why Don't We Do It In the Road?
The Beatles

Come on, The Beatles. Besides being really uncomfortable, you aren't going to be paying attention to the traffic on the road! The only way to pull it off is to either pick a really quiet road, or to do it on the median. Let's be reasonable. Sure, we'd like to be able to do it anywhere, but we live in a society, damn it.

You see, this is what roads are for.

What Is Love?
Haddaway

Well, Haddaway, crack open your Merriam-Webster Dictionary and you will find that "love" is "strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties" or "a score of zero (as in tennis)". I have to imagine that your cries of "Don't hurt me no more" were a result of your significant other hitting you repeatedly due to your incessant asking of that question. Not only is the answer readily available through any number of sources, but girlfriends typically don't like you to question the nature of love in their presence. It makes them feel less important.

Where Is My Mind?
The Pixies

It is in your brain, which is located inside your skull.

Who Are You?
The Who

These are your fans, Roger Daltrey. They have come to see you play rock music.

What Child Is This?
Traditional

The child is Jesus. He is the infant founder and messiah of a new world religion that will take the world by storm! A more appropriate question might be, "What Song Is This?" since its religious content is delivered to the tune of "Greensleeves", which is widely (and wrongly) believed to have been written by one of the least religious men ever (Henry VIII) about one of the least religious topics ever (his abiding lust for his mistress, Natalie Portman).

"Hmm, I can never keep them straight. What child is this?" -Henry VIII

My Law School Playlist

2009-05-07T23:35:00.002-04:00

As I am presently studying for a Constitutional Law Exam, I should absolutely not be blogging. However, I very much enjoy novelty playlists, as I've indicated several times before on this site. Perhaps I'm carving out a niche for myself. Most importantly though, I wanted to use the collective knowledge of this blog to add songs to this list.

1. Heavy Metal (Is The Law) by Helloween

I wish this were true. I would be having a much easier time than I am with law school if it were.

"Heavy Metal is the law that keeps us all united free
A law that shatters earth and hell
Heavy Metal can't be beaten by any dynasty
We're all wizards fightin' with our spell"

As you can see, Heavy Metal is quite a formidable legal system. It is apparently full of wizards, fighting ones, and not even the 1990's Cowboys or the 1970's Steelers can defy it.

Moreover, the German band Helloween wants to be sure you know that Heavy Metal keeps us all "united free". In case you were wondering what was behind that.

2. Lawyers, Guns and Money by Warren Zevon

I can't tell you how many times I've made this call:

"I was gambling in Havana
I took a little risk
Send lawyers, guns and money
Dad, get me out of this"

Further more, I can't wait to be the lawyer who has to work on this surely recurrent case. You probably have to fly down in a helicopter with a team of mercenaries and several bags with dollar signs on them. It's pretty much a dream of mine.

3. ...And Justice For All by Metallica

This song is 10 minutes long. It includes at least 6 minutes of pure insturmental. It's a bitch to play in Rock Band. It's as angry as anything Rage Against the Machine ever wrote. Yet somehow, Metallica have become the world's biggest tools, using lawyers to stomp all over the little guy who would dare threaten their intellectual property. I don't really get it.

If my client ever asks me a tough question about the law, I think he's in trouble, I will invariably have to go with this answer:

"Nothing can save you
Justice is lost
Justice is raped
Justice is gone!
Pulling your strings
Justice is done!"

4. The Mob Rules by Black Sabbath

So, my Constitutional law professor wants you all to know that several provisions of the Constitution are all about protecting people from 'mob rule'. Hence indirect election of senators, the electoral college, and justices appointed for life. I guess all I would have to say about that, is that Ronnie James Dio doesn't believe this works in practice.

You're all Fools! The Mob Rules!

5. Perry Mason by Ozzy Osbourne

OK. I think this song is hilarious. He was almost certainly high, sitting around watching television in 1995. The Perry Mason made for tv movie "The Case of the Jealous Jokester" had just come out as a made for TV movie. Now of course, as you know, this didn't actually star Perry Mason but his friend and collegue Bill McKenzie, solving the mystery of the murder of a sitcom star.

Surely inspired by this, and ironing out legal disputes with Tommi Iommi,he was looking for a good attorney. So he was inspired to write this:

"Who can we get on the case?
We need Perry Mason
someone to put you in place
Calling Perry Mason again, again"

Also, this song was co-written by Aqua Teen Hunger Force guest star Zakk Wylde. So there's that.

6. Breaking the Law by Judas Priest

The laws of this state forbid me from giving any legal advice. But if Rob Halford were to have asked me, I would have told him that it is inadvisable from a defense standpoint to ever talk to the police, much less to admit to wrongdoing. It therefore is probably inadvisable to admit to it 32 times in a 2 minute period. Or if he is announcing his intention, it is still unwise. Given that 5 men are singing it, it is quite possibly conspiracy, even if they never end up doing anything.

I will also say that the activity in their video consists of only arguably illegal activity. I don't think you can assault someone with a guitar, no matter how threatening you are with your rocking. Moreover, given that all they took from the bank (after the power of their rocking opened the vault) was their OWN gold record, I think that might even be legal.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psTUiQzNoxw

7. Sexx Laws by Beck

Contrary to what it appears, this song does not govern the rules that apply to sex, or even to "sexx". While I'm pretty sure it's at least 'about sex', like most Beck songs I can't make heads or tales of it. Thus in being only loosely related to law, it fits right in with this list.

"I want to defy
The logic of all sex laws
Let the handcuffs slip off your wrists
I'll let you be my chaperone
At the halfway home
I'm a full grown man
But I'm not afraid to cry"

8. Battery by Metallica

My Torts book defines "battery" as "Acting intend to cause a harmful or offensive contact with the person of another...and a harmful contact with the person of the other results."

Metallica, on the other hand, defines battery as

"Crushing all deceivers, mashing non-believers
never ending potency
Hungry violence seeker, feeding off the weaker
Breeding on insanity"

On the OTHER hand, Wikipedia defines it as "a combination of one or more electrochemical Galvanic cells which store chemical energy."

In summary, Metallica rules, law school sucks, and science is confusing.

9. Briefcase Full of Guts by Dethklok

This is more about business than law, per se (PER SE? See, I learned something in law school). It's actually more about murdering than it is about business, so there you go. We're already two degrees removed, but it's good enough.

"I'm an employee
I have a degree
I'll fulfill your need
I will make you bleed
I'll rise to the top
Best one on the team
Kill outside the box
Hold you as you scream "

That's right folks. Kill outside the box. That's the slogan of the forthcoming iGun.

After that awful joke, I am going to call it for now. I have a pile of studying to do. I always want to blog, but I'm pretty sure no one wants to hear about my fantasy woes, videogames, or law school and that's pretty much all that's on my mind lately.

Maybe more to come.

Things you should not believe in the days leading up to the draft

2009-04-25T15:43:00.003-04:00

Anything said by a representative of a team other than the Detroit Lions.

Seriously, the NFL Draft is a humongous cheap-talk signaling game and I wish that I was smart enough to model it and write a journal worthy paper about it. Among the things that we should not believe

The point is not that none of these things will actually happen; in all likelihood at least one probably will. The point is if these things are making it to the press, it's because a team wanted it to hit the press. And it's in every team's best interest to lie to the other teams about who they want and what they are willing to do to get the player they want. This is all posturing and positioning. Not that this is anything that the readers of this blog don't already know...

Nary a Wieters to be Found

2009-04-22T14:54:00.018-04:00

If the NBA has whittled down to its best 28 teams, Mike Cameron is currently on someone’s fantasy team, and you’ve just wikipedia’d “Patriots’ Day” then it must be April and draft season!

Let’s get this out right now: this is the worst draft since ‘Nam. Apart from the offensive tackle depth and some underrated running backs there isn’t a position that jumps out at you. Moreover, I can’t remember a draft with more question marks and fewer superstars.

As always, I can’t provide anything you haven’t read elsewhere apart from a gut feeling, some random insight (did you know Eugene Monroe has a 60 year old brother!) and the knowledge that comes with watching every draft since the age of nine, which pretty much gives me the same expertise as, say, Mel Kiper.

Unlike 2007, last year was an off-year with most TBD. Jeff Otah led a limited number of hits. The biggest misses were Ryan Clady and Chris Johnson. Smurf turf, who knew!? Onto 2009…

Top 5 Offensive Players

1) Jason Smith- from the school that produced Olympic sprinters Michael Johnson, Jeremy Wariner, and Olympic-level tax evader Willie Nelson, comes the best tackle in the draft. Wait, Willie Nelson went to college?! Apparently Willie studied agriculture for one year. Surely a liberal use of “studied” and an even more liberal use of “agriculture”, but even “attended” college is borderline earth-shattering. Willie Nelson: College Student. Anyway, Jason Smith is already really good and still pretty raw. Like Wilson’s boy Jason Peters, he’s a converted tight end with great quickness and mobility (those are different things, allegedly). Like my boy, Willie Nelson, Baylor attendee Smith has room to add bulk and strongly supports farm subsidies. Unlike Willie Nelson, Smith has no obvious off-the-field issues like accidentally smoking Waylon Jennings ashes one cold, dark night with Kris Kristofferson. I’d like to say “I like what I’ve seen from Smith”, but that’d be a lie. In fact, unless you lived in the greater-Dallas area, you’ve never seen Smith dominate live. Dude has never played a game on national television. He’ll become the first top-5 pick in the last 20 years to achieve this feat. Regardless, he was a top-5 pick based on playing ability, has only improved his stock during the combine process, and plays a position that most easily improves the entire offense. He’s the safest offensive player meaning the Lions should be looking at him, Aaron Curry, and no one else. In a related story the Lions have narrowed their search to Matthew Stafford and no one else. Take heart Lions fans, Willie understands.

2) Knowshon Moreno- Onto a player I’ve actually seen in person and countless times on TV. Why Knowshon is a mid-first round pick while Reggie Bush is wealthier than every under 25 year old except LeBron, is beyond me. Knowshon is a game-changing back that fits today’s NFL. A team, like Cleveland, with an aging trotter like Jamal Lewis, should be seriously considering Brother Know at pick 5; instead he’s projected to fall to pick 15 or later. Like Chris Johnson, Felix Jones, and Derrick Ward, Knowshon would be an ideal running back 1a) to run, catch out of the backfield, and help in the return game. The fact that teams in the top 10 are not considering him solely because of need shows you exactly why they’re picking in the top 10. Nevertheless, Knowshon will be a top 20 pick and my early favorite for rookie of the year. Not bad for a kid whose major at Georgia was “Housing”. What are you studying? Housing. Naa, I said studying? Housing. Well screw you then, Knowshon.

3) Eugene Monroe- The next in a long line of great Monroe’s from the Charlottesville-area, Eugene is another very safe, very smart pick. All you need to know: Branden Albert, the Chiefs rookie who had a solid year at LT, did not play the position at UVa when Monroe was healthy. A promising and legitimate NFL left tackle is worse than Monroe. What else is there to know? Oh right, dude has a 60 year old brother, one of Monroe's 15 siblings. Moving on.

4) Michael Crabtree- let’s get one thing straight: Michael Crabtree is not Larry Fitzgerald. No way, no how. That doesn’t mean he’s not good, even great, but to simply take the best wide receiver prospect and say he’s similar to the best current WR is just lazy. A more accurate comp in terms of playing style and physical dimensions is Brandon Marshall, but without the headaches. The question of his speed doesn’t concern me; the same was said of Fitzgerald, nor does the question of his injury risk or the comment that he’s a product of a pass-happy system. Anyone that has watched Texas Tech over the last two years knows how good this guy is. The Texas game last year was the best example. Everyone in the stadium knew dude was getting the ball. Didn’t matter.

5) Andre “Manssiere” Smith- On talent Smith is the best player in this draft. There’s not much question about that. He and Percy Harvin were universally considered the two best players in high school in this class. He started at left tackle in the SEC from Day 1 and started every game of his three-year career prior to his suspension for the 2009 Sugar Bowl. And that’s the rub: his character concerns are so great that some teams have apparently removed him from their draft board. Leonard Little killed a lady in 1998 while driving drunk, won the Superbowl two years later, was arrested again for drunk driving in 2004, and yet remains in the league. Andre Smith: seems lazy + hired an agent while an amateur = Adolf Jeter. I heard a great quote by Manny Acta after the Ryan Zimmerman resigning “We all know you can't win with only a bunch of straight-A students, good Boy Scouts”. Not said, but implied, was “which is why we acquired crazy assed Elijah- text a picture of a gun to the mother of some of his children- Dukes”. You have to balance the crazy, but crazy talented, with strong and positive locker room leaders. It’s tough to roll the dice, but I guess I’d rather roll the dice on an unquestionably talented but troubled player than a boy scout with major on-field weaknesses. That said, if, rather, when Cincinnati takes him, we’ll never know how good he could’ve been. One more thing to mention about ‘Dre: according to official Alabama team website: his full name is Andre D. Smith. Yup, his full name has an initial. Love this kid.

Top 5 Defensive Players

1) Aaron Maybin- (the following is an attempt to remain as objective as possible about a player that is custom made for the draft process and today's league and went to Penn State and is from my hometown.) Simply put: Aaron Maybin is the next Gandhi.

In all seriousness I believe Aaron Maybin can be the next Shawne Merriman, the good and the bad. From his ability to get to the quarterback and constantly disrupt the game to his ability to mysteriously and quickly add 25 pounds of muscle and his propensity for getting injured. Like Merriman, Maybin is the kind of edge rusher that can also drop back in coverage. I’ve heard experts say his closest comparison is T-Sizzle. Like Suggs falling to the Ravens, an ideal situation for Maybin would be a veteran defense with solid linebackers that would allow him to focus on his best attribute - getting to the quarterback (like say, I don’t know, any team in the greater PG county area would be just fine). It’s worth mentioning that one of Maybin’s professors at Penn State was my Uncle Don. For those not lucky enough to have met Uncle Don, picture a theatre-loving, 5-foot nothing, mustached man that would know everything about Aaron Copeland but nothing about Aaron Maybin. Having Uncle Don as a prof doesn’t bode particularly well for young Aaron as Uncle Don’s previous celebrity student was uber bust Courtney Brown. I’m going to ignore this for now, but should Aaron flounder I predict “Uncle Don’s student” will be mentioned alongside 40-time, Wonderlic, and hired Master P as an agent when measuring prospects.

2) Aaron Curry- The NFL is nothing if not a copycat league. So when six straight linebackers are defensive rookie of the year, even the bad teams take notice. With that said, all I’ve heard for three months is how good and how safe Aaron Curry is. While I’m not completely disagreeing I do wonder about his upside. The good: he’s is a sure tackler with great instincts and a non-stop motor. The indifferent: Curry’s a mediocre pass rusher which raises questions about playing in a 3-4. I know I’ve used this space to advocate for the top linebacker (see ROY stat above), and I continue to hold that if you’re going to outlay tens of millions of guaranteed dollars at a minimum make sure you’re drafting an above average starter that plays early. But with Curry I’ve heard that his closest comparable is D.J. Williams. As you google D.J. Williams let me tell you about this year’s Eagle Bank Bowl. Wake played Navy, which literally starts 250 pound offensive linemen. The fifth year senior finished the game with three solo tackles, one for a loss, and one assisted tackle. Now maybe it was an off game and surely an inadequate sample size on which to judge, but to muster four tackles against dudes that are currently trolling for pirates in the Gulf of Aden seems like weak sauce. Now you can do a lot worse than a basement of D.J. Williams, a solid and dependable linebacker that started as a rookie. For instance you could be Andre Smith, whose basement is hiding out in D.J. Williams's basement as the SWAT team moves in. But I’m not putting Curry in the “sure Pro-bowler” category as others have. I think part of the love affair with Curry is his unquestionably high character and the fact that linebackers pay instant returns. Tough to fault that strategy, but at pick 3, don’t you want a superstar? (I’m told by a Chiefs fan that in fact No, they don’t want a superstar, they just want someone (anyone) that can make a tackle and maybe force a turnover every now and again. Then Curry’s your man. He’s sure to have a long and productive NFL career. You could do worse.)

3) B.J. Raji- Six months ago googling “BJ Raji” returned the kind of weird Indian porn you can’t send through the mail, now it returns the best defensive tackle in the draft. Raji dominated the senior bowl, always a good sign, and plays an undervalued position that makes the entire defense better. He’s far and away the best run stopper in the draft and should be considered by all teams in the top 10. If he falls to the Broncos at 12 perhaps we can finally close the Cleveland to Denver “bad DT” pipeline that’s provided false optimism to so many over the past few years?

4) Malcolm Jenkins- All Malcolm Jenkins did was dominate in college at a school that should be known as Cornerback U. Like Shawn Springs, Nate Clements, Chris Gamble, and Antoine Winfield before him Malcolm Jenkins is the next shutdown corner from Ohio State. His speed leaves teams questioning his transition to the league, but Jenkins plays fast and is a great open field tackler that can line-up at safety and corner. In a pass-happy league where good corners now command $60M+ contracts drafting a player that can start early at a cost of $15M over 6 years seems like a smart strategy.

5) Tyson Jackson/ Larry English- I’ve watched enough drafts to know that 5-technique dude named Tyson Jackson from LSU is going to be a good and safe pick; expect a Marcus Spears type career. Larry English strikes me as this year’s small conference DE that has a productive (10+ sack) rookie season. His multiple knee injuries scare me some, but he’s a steal at the back of Round 1.

Other Notables (in no particular order):

Matthew Stafford- I’ve seen nothing to dispute my contention for the last two years that Matthew Stafford is Jay Cutler. Not much else to add that hasn’t been said about the kid: cannon arm, makes questionable decisions, surely a NFL starter that will put up good numbers. So depending what you think about Jay Cutler, that’s what Stafford can be. My ranking, or rather lack thereof, pretty much sums up my feelings toward Cutler. I suppose I generally fall into Kamp Kiper. Jay Cutler: great fantasy QB, but there are at least 8 other QBs I’d rather have on my team. Like Cutler with Brandon Marshall, Calvin Johnson will prevent Stafford from being a complete bust, but if I were the Lions I’d stop trying to hit a home run and get on base go with a sturdy left tackle.

Brian Orakpo- Fool me once, shame on Vernon Gholston; fool me twice, shame on Vernon Davis; fool me three times shame on Vernon Maxwell.

Mark Sanchez- Sanchez absolutely carved up a good Penn State defense with his accuracy and quick release. As always, it depends on the system, but Sanchez seems a much better fit in today’s NFL than Stafford. In a West Coast offense this kid has superstar potential. His inexperience, he probably needs two years with the clipboard, is the only thing keeping him from the Top 5 above. Sanchez to Seattle makes a ton of sense.

LeSean McCoy- Depending on where he goes, LeSean might be 2nd to Knowshon in my rookie of the year pick. A durable back that carried Pitt’s offense for the last two years and the reason Dave Wandstat still has a job.

Donald Brown- Another under-appreciated back that reminds me a lot of Thomas Jones: a patient runner with adequate speed and a boring name. Seems like a Patriots’ pick to me.

Josh Freeman- The classic “3rd quarterback getting overvalued in a draft with only two legitimate NFL starters”. Scouting report reads: Struggled in bigger games versus faster defenses. So Freeman should do great in “unimportant games versus slower NFL defenses”. Good luck with that, Jets fans.

Jeremy Maclin- Look, I like Ted Ginn too, but at least concede he’s no Top 10 pick.

Brandon Pettigrew- An allegedly “great athlete” that ran 4.85 40 and didn’t catch a TD last season? Best Case: Crumpler Zone, Likely Case: Daniel Graham. Jermaine Gresham was the only first round tight end this past season, but he stayed in school.

James Laurinaitis- Laurinaitis is quite simply wrestling royalty. Dad Joe was Animal from the tag-team The Road Warriors. His uncle John was wrestler “Johnny Ace” and currently works for the WWE. Uncle Marcus was “The Terminator” half of the tag team The Wrecking Crew. Frankly I have no idea what any of that means for James’s future. On the one hand he grew up among muscle-bound professional “athletes”, which seems good in the same way the sons of baseball players are often good pros themselves (except you Prince Fielder and your .200 batting average that I drafted in round 3). On the other hand, perhaps wrestling gives Laurinaitis an easy out should his NFL career not turn out as planned. Maybe pro wrestling is the Barney-Guarding Job of the Laurinaitis family? I’m going with the former. I think Laurinaitis is like many solid productive college LBs that slip to round 2 due to lack of upside and end up being reliably good pros.

Mohamed Massaquoi- So Matthew Stafford is the consensus #1, but the wideout that caught all his laser, rocket, errant passes is a third rounder? Massaquoi is a productive college wideout (nearly 1,000 yards and 8 TDs in 13 games last year) that played in a pro-system with a pro-caliber QB. To me he’s the number 2 or 3 wideout in this draft, not the 10th. I love this guy and would leap at the chance to take him in round 2.

Rhett Bomar- If there’s a late round QB that has NFL starter potential it’s Bomar. As a 6th or 7th round pick he’s a great gamble for a team with an entrenched but older starter (like the Bengals or Colts). I remember watching his as a freshman at OU and thinking he looked the part. Obviously his internship at Bill Tempchin Motors was an egregious error in judgment, but some team willing to roll the dice on him at the end of the draft could get a steal.

Ramses Barden- another small school projected in the 6th round that is more than worth the gamble. While his speed is marginal, a 6'6" wideout with great hands should be able to find a place on an NFL roster. Plaxico Burress, a 6'6" receiver with average speed and an equally preposterous name, enjoyed a great pro career, until this past season’s run-in with himself. Far and away the best Ramses in the draft.

Herman Johnson- Over the years I've made it uncomfortably clear how much I love athletes with baby fat. Well no one exemplifies baby fat like Herman Johnson. Big Herm weighed 15 pounds and 14 ounces at birth, one of the largest babies in Louisiana history. As we say a quick prayer for his poor mother, realize that the 370 pound Herm lost 40 pounds in college. If that's not upside, then what is?

Anyway, that's all that's in me for 2009. May all your teams end up with rangy blue collar players with football intelligence, upside potential and length that play well in space and faster with pads on. May the Redskins defy all the critics and actually improve their line play. And may the wandering Oakland Raiders someday find a home. Can I get an amen???

For those of you watching on Saturday be sure to check out my buddy Thomas's Draft Day Bingo cards. Lots of time was wasted coming up with those beauties.

Draft Grades

2009-04-19T18:04:00.002-04:00

In anticipation of the looming NFL draft, I was going to make a post about all of the shitty draft pundits that post approximately 10 billion different mock drafts in the months prior to the draft and then grade the drafts before any of the players even see an NFL football field. Then I read this post by Mike Florio at PFT and discovered that he did all my work for me.

Danks, but no Danks

2009-04-10T09:35:00.012-04:00

The following is this year's completely subjective, selective, and far too long review of our fantasy baseball draft. Since only Jay and Wilson will actually read it, you'll notice it's 41% crazier than last year's post. Enjoy fellas.

Round 1
1. José Reyes-Stairway to Blyleven
2. Hanley Ramírez-Downward Fogg
3. Albert Pujols-A-Roid Liars
4. David Wright-Nolan on the River
5. Ryan Braun-Big Red
6. Miguel Cabrera-Doumit Lips
7. Grady Sizemore-Voldemort Oreos
8. Chase Utley-Bife Wieters
9. Ryan Howard-Green Monkeys
10. Tim Lincecum-Harden of Eaton

Worst Pick: I subscribe to the theory that there are no good picks in round 1—only bad ones. And to that end, drafting Ryan Howard here is indefensible. Sure, he’s a mortal lock for 40/140, but he’ll kill you everywhere else. Until Ryan Howard is second base eligible, he doesn’t belong in the first four rounds. In related news, Adam Dunn and Chris Davis were drafted five and seven rounds later, respectively.

Best pick: I like Jay taking Lincecum in Round 1 and Rollins in Round 2, only because I feel Rollins, like Billy Hoyle, plays well angry.

Ryan’s Pick: Unless either Ryan Braun or Miguel Cabrera fell to me, I was set on taking Utley here. I’m not worried about his hip.

Jeff’s Pick: I actually thought Ebner might go Rollins. I probably would’ve taken Cabrera above Braun, mainly because of position and Braun’s lack of baby fat. I know Sizemore was generally going ahead of Cabrera, but outfield was just so damn deep. Plus I’m not obsessed with Grady, unlike, ahem, some people.

Round 2
1. Jimmy Rollins-Harden of Eaton
2. Ian Kinsler-Green Monkeys
3. Alfonso Soriano-Bife Wieters
4. Josh Hamilton-Voldemort Oreos
5. Johan Santana-Doumit Lips
6. Mark Teixeira-Big Red
7. Dustin Pedroia-Nolan on the River
8. Evan Longoria-A-Roid Liars
9. Carlos Beltrán-Downward Fogg
10. Lance Berkman-Stairway to Blyleven

Worst Pick: Not only is Mark Teixeira a traitor and a mouth breather, he’s an overrated fantasy player. And while I don’t love the picks immediately following Teixeira, really until Berkman, I guess I’d rather wait six rounds and get similar numbers, and more upside, from Joey Votto.

I Have No Idea Pick: Pedroia to Pecota: Fuck and You.

Ryan’s Pick: My hope was that Rollins or Kinsler would still be available, but Soriano was behind door number 3, and I don’t think I’ll regret it. (Although I’d be a little happier if Lou would bat him third this year, instead of at the top of the order. I need the RsBI, and I can take the inevitable hit in steals).

Jeff: Not in a million mocks would I have ever expected to draft Santana. At the time I was on tilt, juggling two drafts. I asked myself: am I really about to draft a pitcher at pick 15? As I said re Teixeira, I didn’t love the other options on the board at the point. I gave some thought to Berkman, but went with what I thought was the best player available. In hindsight the pick made my team much more balanced than usual. Plus, come August, there’s usually not a more fun player to own than Johan.

Round 3
1. B.J. Upton-Stairway to Blyleven
2. Matt Holliday-Downward Fogg
3. Manny Ramírez-A-Roid Liars
4. Carlos Lee-Nolan on the River
5. Álex Rodríguez-Big Red
6. Prince Fielder-Doumit Lips
7. Carlos Quentin-Voldemort Oreos
8. Brian Roberts-Bife Wieters
9. Curtis Granderson-Green Monkeys
10. Brandon Phillips-Harden of Eaton

Best Pick: I don’t give a fuck if he’s hitting in Coors or in Oakland or on the outer rings of Saturn—Matt Holliday is a steal in round 3. I like Ebner’s balls-out A-Rod pick here, too. Ebner’s all “what up Labrum?” and Labrum’s all like “not much, sir” and Ebner’s all “that’s right bitch, now get on the field and hit me some dongs”.

Worst Pick: Why does Curtis Granderson keep getting drafted before, like, the 8th round? Sure, he hits triples—and he’ll score 100+ runs as long as he’s batting leadoff—but if you wanted 20 home runs, 15 steals, 25 doubles, and a .280 average, Torii “Replacement Player” Hunter was waiting for you in Round 19.

Ryan’s Pick: Is this yet another classic example of an Oriole fan drafting with his heart over his head? (Jeff's comment: hell and yes) No way. Our league was tailor-made for a guy like Brian Roberts. He’s a doubles-smashin’, base-stealin’, hittin’ machine (Canyanero!) who plays in the middle infield—where two of the thinnest positions in fantasy baseball reside. And we start two middle infielders. And mine are Chase Fucking Utley and Brian God Damn Roberts. Sometimes I want to jump up and kiss myself.

Jeff’s Pick: Cecil’s boy has baby fat for days and is a player I always wanted to own. I gave some thought to Markakis and Kemp, but thought one or both would be there in Round 4. I suppose the Votto six rounds later comment could be applied here, but Prince is one of the few guys that has 50 dong potential while not whiffing nearly as much as the other mashers. I don’t love this pick, but frankly, he was the best Rock ‘n Jock alum on the board and those twenty run homers off the Pepsi sign are leagues platinum.

Round 4
1. Nick Markakis-Harden of Eaton
2. Carl Crawford-Green Monkeys
3. Chipper Jones-Bife Wieters
4. CC Sabathia-Voldemort Oreos
5. Matt Kemp-Doumit Lips
6. Ichiro Suzuki-Big Red
7. Justin Morneau-Nolan on the River
8. Vladimir Guerrero-A-Roid Liars
9. Aramis Ramírez-Downward Fogg
10. Brian McCann-Stairway to Blyleven

Best pick: Surprising to C C.C. fall this far. I guess I didn’t even realize that? While he got hit hard on opening day, that’s great value 20 picks after Johan, I guess?

Worst Pick: This was a pretty good round, actually. I’d be happy with any of these guys on my team—except, maybe, for Vlad. Round 4 isn’t a bad spot to take him, but I think he’ll continue his decline this year. Too early for Carl Crawford as well. Jacoby Ellsbury is 25 picks away and guys like Adrian Gonzalez and Matt Kemp were there for the taking.

Jeff and Ryan Banter:
Jeff: What’s your take on Morneau at pick 37? I like him as a player, but he’s overrated leagues-wise.

Ryan: He’s great for team names, but not as good as Joey Votto, who went 41 picks later.

Jeff: Can we have one conversation that doesn’t involve Joey Votto?

Ryan: JOEY VOTTO IS A PRINCE OF A MAN.

Jeff: And yet, no Jay Bruce.

Ryan: I will bite your forearm.

Ryan’s Pick: Of Chipper Jones, three things are certain:

He rakes like Groundskeeper Willie.
Were it humanly possible, Wilson would father his children.
He’ll miss some games this year.

Regarding #1, all I can say is that I was wildly excited to get Pujols Lite in round 4.

Regarding #2, all I can say is: Step aside, Wilson. He may have been your man first, but he’s my man now.

#3 troubles me, however. Third Base is awfully thin this year, and when Chipper sits, I’ll be forced to go dumpster diving to find an even halfway decent replacement.

Jeff’s pick: Matt Kemp is like the exact opposite of Jeff Kent: black, clean-shaven, not on Roach’s list of people he’d wish AIDS on. He fills up a box score and is tailor made for our format. He’s like the way better, and safer, version of Curtis Granderson. Strikeouts are a concern, but I fully expect them to go down this year.

More Jeff and Ryan Banter:

Ryan: You don’t like Carl Crawford in the 4th round? I think that’s great value. When he’s healthy, he plays well in our league.

Jeff: Dude is an athlete, and if I were putting together a neighborhood kickball team, he’d be my first pick. But in the 4th round? With Matt Kemp still on the board? No way.

Ryan: Tony Meola would be my first pick for kickball.

Jeff: Well, you certainly wouldn’t run into any availability issues there.

Ryan: Actually, I’m not sure if he’s even allowed to leave New Jersey. Anyway, I stand by my support of Carl Crawford. 15/50 has a lot of value. Especially if it comes with 100 runs, a .300 average, and 15 triples.

Jeff: I’ll take the triples. I can find everything else much later in the draft.

Ryan: Can’t you just admit that Carl Crawford gives you stats that are at least somewhat comparable to the Almighty Jose Reyes—at a much deeper position, of course, but at a slightly cheaper price? Carl Crawford in Round 2? Terrible. Carl Crawford in Round 4? Not bad at all.

Jeff: Can’t you just admit that Carl Crawford is a slightly wealthier man’s Randy Winn?

Ryan: You shut your pretty little mouth about Randy Winn. You shut it now.

Jeff: It’s shameless the way we flirt.

Ryan: It really is.

Round 5
1. Brandon Webb-Stairway to Blyleven
2. Adrián González-Downward Fogg
3. Russell Martin-A-Roid Liars
4. Jake Peavy-Nolan on the River
5. Cole Hamels-Big Red
6. Nate McLouth-Doumit Lips
7. Jason Bay-Voldemort Oreos
8. Álex Ríos-Bife Wieters
9. Alexei Ramírez-Green Monkeys
10. Adam Dunn-Harden of Eaton

Worst Pick: Does that say Adam Dunn? In round 5? We’re counting strikeouts this year, right? Wait, is he playing short for the Nats?

Ryan’s Pick: Ah, Alex Rios. Who are you? Are you a home run hitter? Are you a base-stealer? Can you be both… in the same season? Much was made of your sharp decline in power last year, but you seemed to recover your home run stroke in the second half, when you slugged .542 (vs. .401 in the first half) and hit 11 dongs (vs. 4). Plus you hit 47 doubles last year, and I’m willing to bet that some of those doubles will be home runs this year.

Jeff’s Pick: McLouth is high on the Byrned by Eric scale, but dude will probably still go 20/20. So while I generally expect Nate’s numbers to fall across the board, I mean, dude ain’t gonna score 113 runs again, he’s the type of deceptively powerful and deceptively quick players that win in our format. They allow you to win in categories like triples and steals without trying. This wasn’t a sexy pick, but consistent with my strategy.

Round 6
1. David Ortiz-Harden of Eaton
2. Francisco Rodríguez-Green Monkeys
3. Corey Hart-Bife Wieters
4. Kevin Youkilis-Voldemort Oreos
5. Jacoby Ellsbury-Doumit Lips
6. Jonathan Papelbon-Big Red
7. Geovany Soto-Nolan on the River
8. Rafael Furcal-A-Roid Liars
9. Magglio Ordóñez-Downward Fogg
10. Hunter Pence-Stairway to Blyleven

Best Pick: Hart and Ellsbury stand out in an otherwise unspectacular round. I like Jay’s gamble on David Ortiz here, too.

Worst Pick: Rafael Furcal. Yeah, Rafael Furcal was the worst pick.

Ryan’s Pick: If Corey Hart does, in fact, wear his sunglasses at night, then that might explain why he continues to show about as much patience at the plate as my 19-month-old daughter does during dinner.

Nevertheless, I was happy to get Hart in the 6th round. I’m hoping for a 25/25 season with a bunch of doubles and an average around .290. Anything more would be icing on an already delicious sundae. (And no, I’m not confusing my metaphors. You should try putting cake frosting on your ice cream. It’s a bit of a mindfuck, but it’s delicious).

On a side note, Yahoo apparently lives in Southie, speaks with a grating accent, had a moustache in the 5th grade, and grew up with a poster of Jim Rice on its wall. I’m not sure how else to explain the fact that Kevin Youkilis was ranked 37th overall in the pre-draft rankings. I guess he hits a lot of doubles, and, with his solid OBP, the Greek God of Walks plays fairly well in our league format—but if he hits anything close to 29 home runs this year, I will eat Wilson’s hat (and according to those who study these things—home runs, not hat eating—last year’s power surge was, well, a giant bucket of bullshit).

Jeff’s Pick: Frankly, he was best Native American out there. Ignore my previous one dimensional players will kill you comment. Too many one dimensional players kill you. This pick was partly to offset guys like Prince Fielder and Miguel Cabrera. Players like Ellsbury only get more valuable as the season goes on. Plus, the lead-off man in that lineup is gonna score a shit bunch of runs. Have I effectively rationalized picking a single-digit homerun hitter in round 6 yet?

Round 7
1. Josh Beckett-Stairway to Blyleven
2. Víctor Martínez-Downward Fogg
3. Roy Halladay-A-Roid Liars
4. Garrett Atkins-Nolan on the River
5. Joe Mauer-Big Red
6. Dan Haren-Doumit Lips
7. Shane Victorino-Voldemort Oreos
8. Joey Votto-Bife Wieters
9. Joe Nathan-Green Monkeys
10. Stephen Drew-Harden of Eaton

Best Pick: The fact that Josh Beckett and Roy Halladay were drafted before Dan Haren is slightly insane to me. Halladay was unbelievable last year, but if you’re betting on 20 more wins and 200+ Ks, then you might want to cancel that trip to Vegas and set your sights on something a little more pedestrian. Beckett should have a fine year, but Haren has been better than him in just about every category over the past few years—even if he does shit the proverbial mittens in the second half every year. (Shit-filled mittens seem way more disgusting than a shit-filled bed to me. You can always change the sheets on a shit-filled bed, right? But if your mittens are full of feces, you’d be well-advised to throw those motherfuckers out). Anyway, nice pick by Jeff there.

Worst Pick: Yeah, Victor Martinez is a bounce-back candidate at a pretty thin position. And maybe you really, really wanted him and you were willing to take him a few rounds early just to make sure you got him. I know what that’s like. Trust me, I know. But Round 7 is way, way too early—especially with Joe Mauer still on the board. They’re both injury risks, right? So why not take the guy who’s, um, a lot better?

Ryan’s Pick: Joey Votto is a prince of a man.

Jeff’s Pick: No one wants Dan Haren? Fine then, fuck y’all.

Round 8
1. Chris Davis-Harden of Eaton
2. Brad Lidge-Green Monkeys
3. Troy Tulowitzki-Bife Wieters
4. Ryan Zimmerman-Voldemort Oreos
5. Mariano Rivera-Doumit Lips
6. Michael Young-Big Red
7. John Lackey-Nolan on the River
8. Dan Uggla-A-Roid Liars
9. Chone Figgins-Downward Fogg
10. Chad Billingsley-Stairway to Blyleven

Best Pick: Chad Billingsley had one of the quietest 200+ K seasons in recent memory. He plays in a great pitcher’s park in a terrible division for a team that should provide him with plenty of run support. And sure, he’ll walk a few guys here and there, but his K:BB actually improved last year. Also, he’s just, like, a really great guy. He’s an amazing listener, and when he walks into the room I just sort of smile, you know? He’s really, like, deep, and he has his own car, too. Hiroki Kuroda’s totally gonna ask him out for me. I wish I had drafted him when I had the chance, but I was too nervous.

Worst Pick: Brad Lidge went before Mariano Rivera. If your metric for drafting a reliever is saves and saves alone, then OK, maybe I could see it. But if the good folks at McDonald’s ever thought up a blown saves for sick kids sweepstakes, Brad Lidge could build a fucking hospital in three-weeks. And when that dude inevitably goes on his WHIP killing bender Mariano Rivera will just be mowing fools down, night in, night out, like a cash register. Brad Lidge before Mariano Rivera is an underrated terrible pick.

Ryan’s Pick: Not a whole lot to discuss here, really. I needed a SS and Tulo was the top guy on my list. Nevertheless, he's a bit of an unknown. His health concerns me, and I’m really not sure what I’m going to get out of him this year. 25/100 with a decent OPS, 100+ runs, and some doubles? Or was the Tulo of 2007 a bright, shining lie? We shall see.

Jeff’s Pick: At least to me, Mariano Rivera quietly had one of the best relief pitcher seasons ever last year. In 70 innings he allowed just 47 base runners, 11 of them scored, while fanning 77. Even the most ardent Orioles supporter can recognize his greatness. While some regression seems likely, I mean those numbers are preposterous, the Yanks should win more which will drive his saves higher. I actually think Rivera is the best reliever, over Papelbon, by some distance. Papelbon might have more dominating stuff, but Rivera is always there and always lights out.

Jeff and Ryan Banter:

Jeff: I can’t figure out if Michael Young is a good or terrible pick here? It’s one or the other.

Ryan: The rest of the league can’t figure out how Michael Young keeps passing piss tests.

Jeff: What do you think HGH tastes like? Pepto? Fun-Dip? Tussin?

Ryan: I’ve always assumed it tastes like Vapo-rub. Could that be wrong?

Jeff: Tell me you’re not on an “Icy-Hot cures cancer” kick again?

Ryan: Bitch, that shit is right. ‘Course, Beth’s not letting me near our child these days, especially when I’m on one of my ’Hot binges. “Voodoo,” she calls it.

Jeff: Dude, I don’t blame her. We weren’t allowed back to that pool for, like, six years.

Ryan: For the last time: 'Adult Swim' is a dangerously misleading term.

Round 9
1. Justin Upton-Stairway to Blyleven
2. Cliff Lee-Downward Fogg
3. Ryan Ludwick-A-Roid Liars
4. Derrek Lee-Nolan on the River
5. Francisco Liriano-Big Red
6. Jay Bruce-Doumit Lips
7. Aubrey Huff-Voldemort Oreos
8. Rich Harden-Bife Wieters
9. Roy Oswalt-Green Monkeys
10. Félix Hernández-Harden of Eaton

Best Pick(s): Upton and Bruce could be two of the best picks of the draft. I wouldn’t be surprised if they both get picked 5-6 rounds earlier next year. D-Leagues in Round 9 is solid as well.

Worst Pick: I’m sorry but Cliff Lee before Harden and Félix just doesn’t make sense. How many white dudes named Cliff have ever repeated those kinds of numbers?

Ryan’s Pick: Owning Rich Harden will be an exercise in unease. If he’s healthy, then I just drafted Johan Santana in the 9th round. But we all know that Rich Harden will not be healthy. I’ll consider myself lucky if I get 150 innings out of him. (And they’ll be 150 of the most beautiful innings you’ve ever seen).

Jeff’s Pick: Jay Bruce is like another Gandhi, only Gandhi never went 30/100 with a dozen steals sprinkled in. Of course Gandhi got buried on Dusty Baker’s bench, so who knows, really?

Round 10
1. Lastings Milledge-Harden of Eaton
2. Daisuke Matsuzaka-Green Monkeys
3. Matt Wieters-Bife Wieters
4. J.J. Hardy-Voldemort Oreos
5. Yovani Gallardo-Doumit Lips
6. Robinson Canó-Big Red
7. Vernon Wells-Nolan on the River
8. Ervin Santana-A-Roid Liars
9. José López-Downward Fogg
10. Edwin Encarnación-Stairway to Blyleven

Worst pick: I’ll take this one, Jeff. The worst pick in Round 10? Matt Wieters. Fuck it. I’ll admit it. I explain this at length below, but here are the basics: Sure, he could—and probably will—be good. But the fact remains: He’s not helping my team. At least not yet. I don’t think I’ll regret drafting him, but for now, I’m getting nothing from him.

I’m glad he’s on my team, though, and when he finally gets called up, it will be a glorious day in the Smith household—and in the households of all Orioles fans. So maybe he’s not quite the worst pick of Round 10, but he’s not a great pick, either—yet.

Other bad picks from Round 10: Dice-K was a reach here. And A-Roid won’t get much out of Magic Santana—I wouldn’t have touched a healthy Santana in Round 10 this year. And as much as it pains me to admit it, Vernon Wells, while a hell of a painter, is terrible at baseball.

Best Pick: I realize that drafting on upside can be a nerve-wracking and potentially dangerous approach, but would you really rather have Cliff Lee, Roy Oswalt, or Dice-K over Yovani Gallardo? When I’m drafting pitchers, I pay for Ks—and Gallardo should have plenty of those this year. Nice pick by Jeff.

Ryan’s Pick: I got Wieters! I got Wieters! I got Wieters!

(Easy there, son. Steady now. Breathe, son, breathe...)

Was round 10 a little early to take a largely unproven rookie who will begin the year in Triple-A? Of course it was. But let’s not lose sight of what truly matters here: I have Matt Wieters. On my team. (All of the Orioles fans in the league are nodding wistfully).

But for those non-believers who are chalking this up, once again, to a starry-eyed Oriole fan drafting with his heart instead of his head, allow me to show you what my dear friend PECOTA thinks of Mr. Wieters this year:

PA R 2B 3B HR RBI BB SO SB AVG OBP SLG
649 105 33 2 31 102 77 102 4 .311 .395 .544

Now, he may not come close to accumulating 649 PAs (and therein lies the rub), but even if you tone down the counting stats accordingly, you’re still looking at some unbelievable numbers at a position filled with fantasy league uncertainty.

But if we can place my massive Wieters Man Crush aside for a minute (careful, it’s heavy), I’ll address the real concern here: Sure, it’s great to look at my lineup and see Wieters’s name there. It makes me feel all warm inside, like whiskey. But I’ve read a few reports that say that he might stay down in Triple-A until July, and until he gets called up, I’ll be forced to start a stop-gap solution at Catcher—and stop-gap, thy name is Ramon Fucking Hernandez. And while Ramon probably won’t be much worse than any of the other second-tier catchers employed by most teams in our league—he’s a batting average liability who might hit 15-20 home runs—the key difference is: Most other catchers did not cost their owners a tenth round pick and a 25th round pick. And if this all reads like a tale of regret, I can assure you that it’s not. I’m just trying to be somewhat rational here, and it’s hard for me to be rational when the subject is Matt Wieters.

Matt Wieters’s senior yearbook photo: http://static.open.salon.com/files/jesus1230656155.jpg

Jeff’s Pick: Santana’s and Haren’s consistency made Gallardo’s uncertain upside easy to stomach. I love this pick and was surprised he was there.

Round 11
1. Andre Ethier-Stairway to Blyleven
2. Joakim Soria-Downward Fogg
3. Jermaine Dye-A-Roid Liars
4. Jhonny Peralta-Nolan on the River
5. Bobby Abreu-Big Red
6. Kelly Johnson-Doumit Lips
7. Derek Jeter-Voldemort Oreos
8. Scott Kazmir-Bife Wieters
9. Raúl Ibañez-Green Monkeys
10. Joba Chamberlain-Harden of Eaton

The only thing saving Raul Ibanez from being the worst pick is the fact that Jhonny Peralta went five picks ahead of him. Once again, well played, Raul.

Best Pick: This is way too late for Abreu. I’d like to think I would’ve taken him had he fallen to me here, but in reality I probably would’ve just tried to draft Wieters again.

Ryan’s Pick: This was a bit of a panic pick. I was still basking in the Wieters lovefest from round 10 when the clock started ticking on my 11th round selection. I almost let it get down to zero before I pulled the trigger on Kazmir, a talented pitcher surrounded by questions about his health—and I already have one injury-prone pitcher… why roll the dice on another this early in the draft? Zack Greinke went four rounds later, and what would you rather have this year? 150 innings of Kazmir in the 11th round? Or 200 innings of Greinke in the 15th?

Jeff’s pick: Kelly Johnson is the next in a long line of great Baseball Kellys: Kelly Gruber, Kelly Leak, Roberto Kelly. And when round 11 came around and I had no one up the middle with three holes to fill I had to reach a bit on Johnson. I like Johnson almost as much as Nate Silver.

Round 12
1. Carlos Mármol-Harden of Eaton
2. B.J. Ryan-Green Monkeys
3. Javier Vázquez-Bife Wieters
4. Ryan Doumit-Voldemort Oreos
5. Jonathan Broxton-Doumit Lips
6. A.J. Burnett-Big Red
7. James Shields-Nolan on the River
8. Bobby Jenks-A-Roid Liars
9. Mark DeRosa-Downward Fogg
10. Ricky Nolasco-Stairway to Blyleven

Ryan’s Pick: I decided to draft a pitcher who might throw more than 150 innings this year. You know, for the kids. Vazquez is a strikeout machine who should have no problem continuing his streak of 200+ Ks now that he’s in a weaker league.

Jeff’s Pick: Jonathan Broxton is an elite (top 5) closer this year. So yeah, I’ll take him after the Cubs setup man and the perpetually injured B.J. Ryan all fucking day.

Round 13
1. Carlos Delgado-Stairway to Blyleven
2. Plácido Polanco-Downward Fogg
3. Jon Lester-A-Roid Liars
4. Edinson Vólquez-Nolan on the River
5. Howie Kendrick-Big Red
6. Chris Young-Doumit Lips
7. Carlos Zambrano-Voldemort Oreos
8. Kerry Wood-Bife Wieters
9. José Valverde-Green Monkeys
10. Adrián Béltre-Harden of Eaton

Best Pick: When we look back at this year’s draft, I think Chris Young will stand out not just as the best pick in Round 13, but as one of the best picks of the entire draft. But right now, coming off a 22/14 .248/.315/.443 season, he’s Mike Cameron with an even lower OPS. Prove it to me, Chris. I own you in another league. Prove it to me…

Old Man Delgado is a nice pick here as well. Dude raked last year.

Ryan’s Pick: I’m throwing my two closers, Kerry Wood and Francisco Cordero, together here. I waited to draft closers again this year, and I ended up selecting two pitchers who carry with them an inordinate amount of risk. This is in line with my strategy of drafting lots of starting pitchers who carry with them an inordinate amount of risk. Eh, it's a terrible strategy…

When we’re handing out leagues trophies at our end-of-the-year leagues picnic, I’ll be sure to thank Kerry and ‘Cisco when I’m accepting the award for having the most pitchers on the DL. In conclusion, I’m going to need a lot of cheap saves this year.

Jeff’s Pick: you heard Ryan, I just got homeless Mike Cameron. Suck it, bitches.

Round 14
1. Chris Iannetta-Harden of Eaton
2. Brad Penny-Green Monkeys
3. Jayson Werth-Bife Wieters
4. Matt Cain-Voldemort Oreos
5. Brian Fuentes-Doumit Lips
6. Johnny Damon-Big Red
7. Matt Capps-Nolan on the River
8. Brad Hawpe-A-Roid Liars
9. Conor Jackson-Downward Fogg
10. Cristian Guzmán-Stairway to Blyleven

Worst Pick: Well, Brad Penny is off the board—and not a moment too soon. You can put the gun down now, Mrs. Penny. Your son has been drafted.

Ryan’s Pick: I’m torn on Jayson Werth. He struggled mightily against right-handers last year, and he could be headed for a platoon. Nevertheless, he’s a somewhat patient hitter, and as long as he’s playing in Philly’s bandbox, 20+ home runs are a distinct possibility. Throw in 15 or 20 steals, and I might be looking at a homeless man’s Grady Sizemore, 13 rounds after the real Grady Sizemore—who’s really nothing more than a poor man’s Alfonso Soriano—was drafted.

Jeff’s Pick: Brian Fuentes’s stuff continues to be underrated. Throw in the fact he goes from Coors to the most save-friendly team in the majors and I was ecstatic with this pick. I was hoping to get Brad Lidge here, but he went 87 picks before.

Round 15
1. Milton Bradley-Stairway to Blyleven
2. Justin Verlander-Downward Fogg
3. Jorge Cantú-A-Roid Liars
4. Heath Bell-Nolan on the River
5. Carlos Peña-Big Red
6. Pablo Sandoval-Doumit Lips
7. Mike Aviles-Voldemort Oreos
8. Francisco Cordero-Bife Wieters
9. Mike Pelfrey-Green Monkeys
10. Zack Greinke-Harden of Eaton

Worst Pick: I actually kind of like Mike Pelfrey this year, but he went about ten rounds too early here. Pelfrey is the ideal 26th round John Maine flyer pick, kind of like Zack Greinke before last year’s great season. So best case: last year’s Zack Greinke before Zack Greinke got better. But really, who else was available with that pick?

Ryan’s Pick: Francisco Cordero (see Kerry Wood, Round 13)

Jeff’s Pick: I needed a catcher and Yahoo’s positional availability is kind. To play a first baseman in that spot is huge. To get 150+ games out of your catcher is even bigger. In hindsight, if I didn’t get Sandoval my team would’ve been markedly worse.

Round 16
1. Chad Qualls-Harden of Eaton
2. Mark Reynolds-Green Monkeys
3. Aaron Harang-Bife Wieters
4. David Price-Voldemort Oreos
5. Derek Lowe-Doumit Lips
6. Mike González-Big Red
7. Miguel Tejada-Nolan on the River
8. Brian Wilson-A-Roid Liars
9. Chris Young-Downward Fogg
10. Alex Gordon-Stairway to Blyleven

Worst Pick: not a ton, actually. I suppose Mark Reynolds and his Ks are the easy answer, but dude drafted Ryan Howard, so fuck it.

Ryan’s Pick: If Harang was pronounced like Da Nang, it would open up a whole new world of team names.

Aaron Harang was an under-the-radar fantasy ace until he got hurt last year. (I may be a little fuzzy on the details of his injury, but apparently Dusty Baker snuck up on him in the locker room and stabbed him in his pitching arm with a shiv made from a toothbrush. So it was a freakish injury, and not one of those chronic things. Whew!)

And despite the fact that Harang’s fate is still in Dusty’s Lennie-esque hands, I think he’s going to bounce back nicely this year and revert back to his pre-injury form.

Jeff’s Pick: D-Lowe is an innings eating horse with low Ks but great everything else. See Opening Day.

Round 17
1. Frank Francisco-Stairway to Blyleven
2. Clayton Kershaw-Downward Fogg
3. Ryan Dempster-A-Roid Liars
4. Billy Butler-Nolan on the River
5. Trevor Hoffman-Big Red
6. Rickie Weeks-Doumit Lips
7. Adam Wainwright-Voldemort Oreos
8. James Loney-Bife Wieters
9. Pat Burrell-Green Monkeys
10. Nelson Cruz-Harden of Eaton

Worst Pick: Pat Burrell?! See Mark Reynolds.

Ryan’s Pick: That’s how you fight Loney-ness… I don’t really like James Loney. Oh, I’m sure he’s a nice enough fellow, who does his work and hasn’t much to say and always laughs at other people’s jokes because he hasn’t any of his own. But I wanted to fill my CI spot with some cheap power, and instead I drafted a guy who might—might—hit 15 dongs this year. He won’t hurt my batting average, and he’ll hit some doubles, and he’ll temper my team’s strikeouts a little bit—but it’s power I need here, and power he lacks. That’s how you fight it…

(But with that said, if he starts going by Jimmy Loney, then all bets are off. Triple. Fucking. Crown. Believe it.)

Jeff’s Pick: What is there to say about Rickie Weeks that hasn’t been said about the Washington Generals, the Canadian Oil Sands, and pretty much all of Africa? He’s duuuuuuue.

Round 18
1. Elijah Dukes-Harden of Eaton
2. Kazuo Matsui-Green Monkeys
3. Erik Bedard-Bife Wieters
4. Brett Myers-Voldemort Oreos
5. Joel Hanrahan-Doumit Lips
6. Brad Ziegler-Big Red
7. Matt Lindstrom-Nolan on the River
8. Yunel Escobar-A-Roid Liars
9. Dan Wheeler-Downward Fogg
10. Max Scherzer-Stairway to Blyleven

Ryan: Those who know me are well aware of the fact that I have a special place in my heart for Troubled Athletes. The Doc Goodens, Darryl Strawberrys, and Dimitrius Underwoods of the world are near and dear to me. Their tales of excess, anguish, and squandered talent are unfathomably sad and yet strangely captivating. These virtuosos of self-destruction fascinate me with their prodigious athletic exploits, their grand-scale ambitions, and their seemingly innate ability to fuck it all up on an equally colossal scale.

Anyway, this is all just a long-winded way of saying that I really like Jay’s Elijah Dukes pick here. Elijah Dukes is troubled. Lord, is. he. troubled. (Also, I’m fairly certain that he’ll put up better numbers than Jayson Werth, whom I drafted four rounds earlier). I bet Jeff and Jon are shocked that I didn’t reach on him.

Jeff: In a related story Elijah Dukes is fifth in the Nationals outfield rotation.

Ryan: That won’t last long. He’s too talented to sit.

Jeff: There you go again, overhyping someone just because he texted pictures of a gun to the mother of some of his children.

Ryan: You may be right. But sufficed to say, Elijah is beyond troubled. He’s downright crazy. And we both love crazy athletes, don’t we, Mr. “I own a LaVar Arrington jersey”?

Jeff: You own a LaVar jersey, too.

Ryan: Yes. Yes, I do.

(We hug)

Jeff: Did you see Tank Johnson signed with the Bengals?

Ryan: Love that acquisition.

FIN

Ryan's Pick: Bedard in round 18 could be one of the steals of the draft. His health is a concern, but he seems to be feeling pretty good this spring. Plus he’s in a contract year. I like this pick almost as much as I like the trade that sent him to Seattle.

Jeff’s Pick: Joel Hanrahan ran game at the WBC, and I irrationally wanted at least one National. Seemed like the best I could do.

Round 19
1. Joey Devine-Stairway to Blyleven
2. Brandon Morrow-Downward Fogg
3. Torii Hunter-A-Roid Liars
4. Daniel Murphy-Nolan on the River
5. Randy Johnson-Big Red
6. Felipe López-Doumit Lips
7. Huston Street-Voldemort Oreos
8. Adam Jones-Bife Wieters
9. Troy Glaus-Green Monkeys
10. Shin-Soo Choo-Harden of Eaton

Worst Pick: Is Troy Glaus still in the league? Seriously, I thought he was out for the year. Note: According to Yahoo, Troy’s shoulder was operated on by Dr. Lewis Yocum. I have but one question here: Is someone trying to steal food off of James Andrews’s glass-bottomed, gold festooned, kettle korn-covered table?

Ryan’s Pick: I like Adam Jones, partly because he wears the orange and black, partly because he shares the same name as the Scourge of the Strip Clubs, partly because he’s one of Keith Law’s 2009 Breakout Players, and partly because seeing him in the Oriole lineup is a constant and pleasant reminder of the time the Orioles pillaged the fuck out of Seattle. Nevertheless, he carries with him just enough uncertainty this year that I’d be a little bit more comfortable if he were my top bench player, rather than a starter.

Jeff’s Pick: After years of unfulfilled promise, this is Felipe López’s year.

The thing is, Ryan, I’m not ready for that joke to die.

Round 20
1. Chris Ray-Harden of Eaton
2. Carlos González-Green Monkeys
3. John Danks-Bife Wieters
4. Fernando Rodney-Voldemort Oreos
5. Matt Garza-Doumit Lips
6. Khalil Greene-Big Red
7. Carlos Guillén-Nolan on the River
8. George Sherrill-A-Roid Liars
9. Scot Shields-Downward Fogg
10. Jason Motte-Stairway to Blyleven

Ryan's Pick: Not much to say about John Danks. He was quietly effective last year, and while he won’t give me much of a bump in Ks, he’ll help my team’s peripherals immensely. I’m actually surprised he was still there in round 20. I’d rather have Danks this year than guys like Carlos Zambrano or Clayton Kershaw. (I’d actually rather have the Clap than Carlos Zambrano).

Jeff’s Pick: I needed a starter and always like guys that do work during the post-season to have breakout seasons. ALCS MVP Matt Garza’s projected numbers are solid, but if he can beat them than this is a steal.

Round 21
1. Delmon Young-Stairway to Blyleven
2. Bengie Molina-Downward Fogg
3. Carlos Gómez-A-Roid Liars
4. Chris Carpenter-Nolan on the River
5. Jeff Francoeur-Big Red
6. Cameron Maybin-Doumit Lips
7. Troy Percival-Voldemort Oreos
8. J.J. Putz-Bife Wieters
9. Kelly Shoppach-Green Monkeys
10. Jose Arredondo-Harden of Eaton

Ryan’s Pick: I’m hoping J.J., eh, ‘Putz’ it all back together this year. DY-NO-MITE.

Jeff’s Pick: Cameron Maybin has upside like only a black dude on Florida named Cameron Maybin could. I love him on my bench.

Round 22
1. Rick Ankiel-Harden of Eaton
2. Mike Lowell-Green Monkeys
3. Melvin Mora-Bife Wieters
4. Jorge Posada-Voldemort Oreos
5. Kevin Kouzmanoff-Doumit Lips
6. Hank Blalock-Big Red
7. Willy Taveras-Nolan on the River
8. Gavin Floyd-A-Roid Liars
9. Travis Hafner-Downward Fogg
10. Hong-Chih Kuo-Stairway to Blyleven

Ryan's Pick: Why did I take Melvin Mora over the Brothers Kouzmanoff? I’m not sure. Maybe I thought that Mora would be motivated by the fact that he has, like, 137 mouths to feed. I’ll probably regret this decision when Chipper gets hurt and I find myself staring down the barrel of Joe Crede. Yup, silver and gold.

Jeff’s Pick: I fully expected Ryan to take Beef Kouzmanoff. He’s not a guy I want to have to start, but he should put up Adrian Beltre non-contract year numbers.

Round 23
1. Adam LaRoche-Stairway to Blyleven
2. Jonathan Sánchez-Downward Fogg
3. Brandon Lyon-A-Roid Liars
4. Justin Duchscherer-Nolan on the River
5. Todd Helton-Big Red
6. Jeff Clement-Doumit Lips
7. Ben Sheets-Voldemort Oreos
8. Jim Thome-Bife Wieters
9. Ryan Theriot-Green Monkeys
10. Elvis Andrus-Harden of Eaton

Ryan’s Pick: When round 23 started, I apparently jumped into a time machine and set it for 2002. I’m not sure how else to explain the fact that I drafted Jim Thome here. Jim Thome is, like, 137 years old. He has a bad back that requires “periodic rest.” He wears a monocle. He uses one of those ear horn things. When he’s drunk, he tells endless, aimless stories about charging up San Juan Hill with Teddy and the Rough Riders. He has “Remember the Maine!” tattooed on his shoulder. In short, he’s old.

Now, I know that Round 23 is Throwaway Territory—and Thome actually put up some impressive power stats last year—but I should’ve gone after cheap saves and holds here, not Old Man power and a Mendoza-like batting average from a guy who only qualifies at the Util spot.

Jeff’s Pick: I still like Jeff Clement but I got no time to cater to the enigmatic whims of Seattle’s front office. I seriously have no idea what that means. Umm hmm.

Round 24
1. Tommy Hanson-Harden of Eaton
2. Brandon Moss-Green Monkeys
3. Scott Baker-Bife Wieters
4. Josh Johnson-Voldemort Oreos
5. Hideki Okajima-Doumit Lips
6. Matt Thornton-Big Red
7. Orlando Hudson-Nolan on the River
8. Jeff Samardzija-A-Roid Liars
9. J.D. Drew-Downward Fogg
10. Freddy Sánchez-Stairway to Blyleven

Worst Pick: Bri was clearly chasing after Notre Dame alums here, and after the bloody and tragic Arnaz Battle debacle in Round 8, Samardzija was the best available.

Best Pick: J.D. Drew is currently (relatively) healthy and batting fifth, that could be a nice pick if you have the stomach and bench to ride out the inevitable troughs and nagging injuries.

Ryan’s Pick: Scott Baker? In Round 24? Say, that sounds like a lark. Wait, he's already on the DL? Crap.

Jeff’s Pick: Hideki Okajima is guaranteed to stay on my team (at least I thought he was). I couldn’t say the same of anyone else available.

Round 25
1. Takashi Saito-Stairway to Blyleven
2. Gil Meche-Downward Fogg
3. Orlando Cabrera-A-Roid Liars
4. Rafael Soriano-Nolan on the River
5. Jon Rauch-Big Red
6. Édgar Rentería-Doumit Lips
7. Mike Napoli-Voldemort Oreos
8. Grant Balfour-Bife Wieters
9. Kosuke Fukudome-Green Monkeys
10. Kevin Gregg-Harden of Eaton

Best Pick: Kevin Gregg. Obviously hindsight is MD 20/20 but nabbing the closer on a 90+ win team in round 25 is enough to induce morning wood. I think I stayed away because Kevin and Greg are like the two whitest names going.

Worst Pick: Kosuke Fukudome is on waivers in 20-team NL-Central Asian Players Only leagues. No, seriously.

Ryan's Pick: Grant Balfour is a solid 10 on the aptonym scale, joining the ranks of such luminaries as Soo-Mi Lee and Dr. Byron Bonebreak.

Also, he’s pretty filthy. At least he was last year. The only problem is, in Tampa’s “everyone lends a hand” bullpen, Balfour is neither the closer-in-waiting nor the primary setup guy, so the stats that I need most from him—holds and saves—may be few and far between.

Jeff’s Pick: I’m always looking to reach on an aging backup shortstop to drop before the season starts. Édgar Rentería beat out Orlando Cabrera primarily due to his unheard of first letter accent.

Round 26
1. Jeremy Hermida-Harden of Eaton
2. John Maine-Green Monkeys
3. Ramón Hernández-Bife Wieters
4. Xavier Nady-Voldemort Oreos
5. Chris Dickerson-Doumit Lips
6. Jered Weaver-Big Red
7. Chris Pérez-Nolan on the River
8. Billy Wagner-A-Roid Liars
9. Randy Winn-Downward Fogg
10. Ubaldo Jiménez-Stairway to Blyleven

Good to see John Maine get picked as someone’s John Maine flyer pick.

Ryan's Pick: Please come up soon, Matt Wieters. Please.

Jeff’s Pick: Chris Dickerson: this year’s (questionably pigmented) Nate McLouth. Surely calls dudes “bro”.

-A Ryan and Jeff Joint.

Department of Redundancy Department

2009-03-29T12:38:00.002-04:00

Can we all agree that one of the words in the buzz phrase "upside potential" is completely unnecessary? That "upside" implies potential and that "potential", in most contexts, implies upside? Where is the ESPN Ombudsman on this one?

A Jagged Gorgeous Offseason

2009-03-06T18:21:00.030-05:00

It's that time of year again. The first wave of NFL free agency has come to a close and it is time to look back, not in anger, but as an Eagles fan with abject rage and blinding hatred. You may or may not know the drill.

Again I will start with the Eagles; the wretched, misguided Eagles whose wreckage I cling to in these troubled times.

Philadelphia Eagles - Failed to resign Brian Dawkins, left tackle Tra Thomas, and running back Correll Buckhalter.
Go Your Own Way by Fleetwood Mac

Buckhalter, okay. He's blown his knees out three times. Tra Thomas? He's a pretty old dude and not nearly the run blocker he once was. Plus, we have a modicum of offensive line depth. But Dawkins? Weapon X? The heart and soul of the Philadelphia Eagles? No one I have talked to has thought that this was a good idea. It's true that the Eagles have made similar moves in the past and come out smelling like roses; dumping Jeremiah Trotter, cutting Hugh Douglas, releasing Troy Vincent, even parting company with Duce Staley. All of these guys had career years with the Eagles, went to another team and promptly shat the proverbial bed. Something about the Dawkins move just smells different though. I can see this ending one of two ways: the cobbled together Broncos defense struggles mightily and Dawkins realizes that most of his success was due to Jim Johnson's schemes and Dawkins chemistry with his teammates, or Dawkins has a Pro Bowl season taking one of the worst defenses in the NFL to the top in the span of one season.

Washnigton Redskins - Signed defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth to a record-breaking 7-year, $100 million contract.
Psycho Killer by Talking Heads

Who can forget this beauty? There can be little doubt that Albert Haynesworth is a mountain of a man in the middle of the line and that his presence on a defense can certainly change things for all of the players around him. However, he has to show up to work in order for that to transpire and this little snapshot indicates that he's just as likely to be up in a clock tower with a high-powered rifle or facing off against The Thing as playing football on any given Sunday.

"Mr. Gurode, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry..."

Seattle Seahawks - Signed wide receiver T.J. Houshmandzadeh to a 5-year, $40 million contract.
Panic Attack by Dream Theater

The title here is my preferred explanation of how this move occurred. I can see the interaction in the Seahawks front office right now.
Guy #1: "Remember what happened last year when we had no wide receivers and everyone got injured and we lost the easiest division in the NFL to the Cardinals? I sure am glad we did something to fix that problem in the offseason."
Guy #2: "Umm, are you feeling okay... Maybe you should take a look at the depth chart."
Guy #1: "Wha? Hrmm, okay let's see... Deion Branch, okay... Nate Burleson... Wait, Koren Robinson? Are you sure this is this year's depth chart and not the 2001 depth chart?
Guy #2: "Pretty sure."
Guy#1: "Michael Bumpus? That's not even a real person! You made that name up!"
Guy #2: "I wish I had..."
Guy #1: "... ..."
Guy #2: "Are you alright?"
Guy #1: "Yeah... Yeah I'm fine, I just stroked out a little bit there... Hey, remember what happened last year when we had no wide receivers and everyone got injured and we lost the easiest division in the NFL to the Cardinals? I sure am glad we did something to fix that problem in the offseason."

Koren Robinson on one of his numerous "breaks" from football.

Buffalo Bills - Signed wide receiver Terrell Owens to a 1-year, $6.5 million contract.
Bad Reputation by Joan Jett

"And I'm only doing good when I'm having fun \ And I don't have to please no one." Getcha popcorn ready, Bills fans. As if Trent Edwards wasn't under enough pressure. First, he gets the Bill Walsh seal of approval which is tantamount to getting the dreaded Joe Montana comparison. Now he has to deal with this. A 1-year flyer is probably worth it for the Bills, who desperately need a big red zone target who isn't named Robert Royal. But between Marshawn Lynch and Terrell Owens, I can't wait to see what kind of hijinks come out of Buffalo next season. Golf carts and crunches and sharpies, oh my! There's going to be a standing reservation for two at Applebees every week, that's all I know.

Kansas City Chiefs - Trade 2nd round pick to Patriots for quarterback Matt Cassel and linebacker Mike Vrabel.
Give It Away by Red Hot Chili Peppers

In a move that has been met with great suspicion from just ab out everyone, The Patriots dumped a starting NFL quarterback, a veteran linebacker, and a ton of salary in exchange for one second round pick. Some may point to the fact that former Patriots personnel man Scott Pioli now runs the Chiefs and insist that there is some back-scratching going on. However, I prefer to think that the Patriots knew what they had in Cassel and that was an A.J. Feeley/Billy Volek type who looks good replacing a good quarterback in a good offense, but is no Tom Brady. Although, outplaying Tyler Thigpen shouldn't prove to be a huge challenge.

Who would you rather have throwing you the ball?

Arizona Cardinals - Resign quarterback Kurt Warner to a 2-year, $23 million contract.
Ramblin' Man by The Allman Brothers Band

This is dedicated more to Warner's agent Mark Bartelstein than to the former MVP himself, but they have both looked like jackasses in this recent episode. Throughout the highly publicized and drawn out negotiations between the Cardinals and the quarterback who led them to their first Super Bowl in... well... ever, Bartelstein came out with such rambling, bullshit gems as

People assume things are being done to create leverage and that's not true. Anyone who knows Kurt Warner knows that's not the moral plane he operates under. He would never do something to create leverage.

just to then turn around and pull out

He really had a great visit [to the 49ers]. It really went well and it has really open[ed] his eyes. But Kurt’s heart is still here [in Arizona].

He and Warner also claimed to be willing to "give up" $1 million a year in salary if the Cardinals would resign Anquan Boldin, but then claimed on the Dan Patrick Show that the offer "didn't come up at all" in negotiations with the Cardinals. All the while, the 49ers have claimed that "no real offer" was made to the veteran quarterback, even though Warner and his agent insist that he was super, super cereal about joining the San Francisco franchise.

"I'm super cereal, you guys"

New York Jets - Signed linebacker Bart Scott to a 6-year, $48 million contract.
Painkiller by Judas Priest

Have you heard this man talk?

Oh, the collisions are beautiful, man. It's car wrecks. And it's about our wills, man, and joints are shifted, bones are broke, bones are sprained, ligaments are hurt, and I think it's the most beautiful thing in the world. It's music to me. . . . It's an art. And I think we're entertainers, and everybody loves the blood-and-guts movies.

Is it that much of a stretch to go from that to this?

Faster than a bullet
Terrifying scream
Enraged and full of anger
He's half man and half machine

Rides the Metal Monster
Breathing smoke and fire
Closing in with vengeance soaring high

HE... IS... THE... PAINKILLER!

I am really looking for an excuse to use Aqualung in this post, but I think that's nothing but a pipe dream. Anyway, hopefully I didn't miss anything super huge, but if I did, please leave a comment and I'll try to wedge the story into this contrived mess somehow.

Uncertain Advice for Uncertain Times

2009-01-18T13:21:00.009-05:00

2,500 Words on the Current Economic Crisis from a Guy who Knows Nothing About Economics.

Many of the good people who bring you this sordid little blog happen to traffic in the world of economics. One guy is an economist. Another guy is working toward his PhD in economics. Others work—or have worked—as economic consultants.

So in these uncertain economic times, to whom in the Isphony family should you turn for guidance and advice? You’re probably leaning toward the economist or the PhD guy, right? Well, they're busy doing economic-type things—supplying stuff and demanding stuff and so forth—so you're stuck with me, a guy with an English degree who never took an econ course; a guy who remains far more-familiar with the exploits of Milton Bradley than Milton Friedman; a guy who giggles whenever he hears someone say “Bernanke.” I may have the same surname as Adam Smith, but aside from a shared love of pure, uncut Peruvian blow, the famed Glaswegian and I have little else in common. But have no fear, my fiscally frightened friends. I may not be able to explain the causes of the current economic crisis—in this bear market, I blame Rex Grossman—but I can give you some advice on how to handle the difficult times ahead. I’ll answer your questions and address your concerns below:

When did you first come to the realization that the economy was going through a meltdown? What were some of the road signs?

Back in aught-eight (or was it aught-seven?), when Wall Street’s vast ocean of liquidity got spiked with a dose of Ice-Nine, politicians and financial observers lined up to try to explain what happened, how it happened, and--most importantly--why it was someone else’s fault. Presidential candidates John McCain and Barack Obama traded barbs over who caused the mess and whose hastily compiled plan could most-effectively fix it. (Ralph Nader, meanwhile, claimed that his soup was too hot before falling asleep in his chair). Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke (hee hee!) made a few rare TV appearances, where he was often seen pensively stroking his playoff beard, furrowing his brow, and calling for at least six more weeks of winter. Jim Cramer yelled a lot and threw chairs at his Bloomberg terminal, hoping in vain that he could punish the stock market into reversing its precipitous decline. And the handful of economists and investors who managed to avoid the bloodbath stepped to the forefront to rightly claim their place in the pantheon of Those Who Saw It Coming.

I, on the other hand, most certainly did not see it coming. In fact, I hardly noticed it when it actually came. And it took me even more time to discover just how bad things actually were. The extent of the damage was not revealed to me after I stole a hands-over-the-eyes peek at my IRA statement (I refuse to read missives from terrorist organizations). It was not revealed to me when I checked on my stock portfolio, either—mostly because I do not have a stock portfolio. No, I suspected that we were in real trouble when Lehman Brothers—which was not a Jewish plumbing business, as I understood it to be, but rather a giant investment bank—just disappeared. One day, Lehman Brothers was investing stuff and making deals and doing whatever else it is that investment banks do, and the next day they were gone, faster than you can say Crystal Pepsi. Banks holding billions of dollars in assets are not supposed to just implode like some sort of run-down Vegas casino on demolition day, right?

But I failed to realize just how deep the shit was until I watched Lehman ex-CEO Dick Fuld testify before Congress on C-SPAN. Fuld, the once-venerable ruler of a once-venerable firm, sat there sweating like Moses Malone as he tried to explain where all the money had gone. He looked small and defenseless. He sounded uncertain and angry. He had the visage of death on him, and by the end of the session, his bones had been picked clean. His was an ignominious and shockingly abrupt demise, proving the adage that it’s not the fall that kills you, it’s the sudden stop.

And while we’re here, I’m calling for a thousand-year ban on the use of the phrase “Master of the Universe” to describe a member of the financial world’s ruling elite. Sorry, Tom Wolfe. Those white suits of yours are cash money, but I’m not part of the Bonfire of the Vanities generation. I’m part of the He-Man generation, and whenever I hear that phrase—“Master of the Universe”—I do not think a wealthy banker manipulating the markets in a plush office high atop some New York City skyscraper. No, I think of a vaguely Aryan dude who wore a fur Speedo, rode around on a giant cat, and fought epic battles against a skeleton with blue skin. Maybe if Dick Fuld had the Power of Grayskull behind him—instead of a board full of sycophants and a balance sheet full of hot garbage—he could’ve avoided this mess.

What should I do with my money? What are some smart investments to make in the midst of all this uncertainty?

If it’s investment advice you’re seeking, then you’ve come to the right place. I know a little something about personal finance. I have literally dozens of dollars in stock. I know a little something about long-term value, too. Four words: Kevin. Maas. Rookie. Cards.

Here are a few suggestions on what to do with your money right now:

1. Acquire land. Lots of it. Land always increases in value—much like a Kevin Maas rookie card. If you can’t afford to buy any land, then you’ll need to conquer some. Be ambitious—and ruthless. Conquer swaths of the stuff. (Land, it should be noted, can only be conquered in Swaths. 1 Swath = 20 Hogsheads, or 473 Wadlows laid end-to-end).

To conquer these swaths of land, you’ll need an army. Armies are expensive, however, and in these uncertain economic times, a ragtag militia may have to suffice. Don’t worry if you can’t afford to pay your militia. They’ll usually work for a cut of the spoils. Just remind them to pillage before they burn. I cannot stress this enough. Pillage, then burn.

2. Emulate one of the world’s great investors. Warren Buffett recently floated Goldman Sachs $5 billion in order to prop up their sagging balance sheet and kickstart investor confidence. This little “infusion of capital” was also designed, in large part, to eventually give Warren Buffett a boatload of money. (Many of the things that Warren Buffet does are structured with this end goal in mind. He would be a highly devious Secret Santa, I think). With this particular deal, Warren placed a massive bet that Goldman’s stock price will, at some point, go up. By giving them $5 billion, Warren made Goldman’s stock price go up. It has since gone down, but Warren ain’t scared. Warren Buffett moves markets. It’s what he does. He's the John-John Mackey of investors. He pulls his money out and he’s like “What’s up, markets?” and the markets are all like “Not much, Sir” and Warren’s like “Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich, bitches.” And they do. The world’s financial markets make Warren Buffett a sandwich.

But you are not Warren Buffet. Hell, you’re not even Warren Sapp (let’s be honest—your sack dance needs work). You don’t have millions—or billions—of dollars to throw around, and Byron Trott stopped taking your phone calls after the Haywood Jablome incident in 2007.

Byron Trott never did like you. Remember when you got really drunk at the Goldman company picnic and you kept calling him Byron Scott? No? Well, Byron does.

So how can you be like Buffett? How can you Buy Low and Sell High and rake in the cash? Isn’t investing in the stock market a rich man’s game, like Baccarat or cognac pong? Not at all. The stock market is tanking, and stuff is really cheap right now. You don’t need to be swimming in dollars to find some great bargains. And so, without further ado, here are a few surefire stock tips, brought to you by the guy who traded for Josh Hamilton in a fantasy baseball league back when Hamilton was on pace to hit 50 home runs and drive in 170 runs (Final stats):

General Electric (current price: $13.96): When Jack Donaghy finally takes over, this baby will rise. Believe it.

Diageo (current price: $54.13): Diageo is the largest booze company in the world. In uncertain times, people often turn to alcohol to help them cope. People do this in decidedly certain times, too. What I’m trying to say is: Whiskey is delicious.

General Mills (current price: $60.58): General Mills owns Nature Valley, maker of the exceedingly delicious Sweet and Salty Nut Granola Bars. If you have not tried these culinary masterpieces, you need to do so right away. They consist of nothing more than nuts and granola, lovingly compressed into bar form and enrobed in icing. I had three of them this morning. It’s about time Big Granola latched onto the deliciousness of contrasting flavors. When the rest of the world gets on board, the sky’s the limit.

You’re welcome. Share those dividends.

This financial mess sounds like it’s going to get a whole lot worse before it gets any better. How can I prepare for the lean times ahead?

You’re right. The next few months—years, even—could be pretty rough. And if you’re looking for some advice on how to weather the coming storm, then you’ve once again come to the right place. I’m no stranger to lean times. I was frugal before it was cool. How frugal am I, you ask? Well, I make my own gas. (It’s an old family recipe: 4 parts, gas siphoned from neighbor's car; 2 parts, gas stolen from nearby gas station. "Pay Inside"? Don't mind if I do!). I steal bread from pigeons—and sell it to seagulls. I save all of my cans and bottles and then, once a year, I take a trip to Michigan to get that ten-cent deposit. I’m frugal because I have known poverty. I have known it well. During my junior year in college, I blew all of my savings on the finer things in life—malt liquor and public intoxication fines—and I reached a point where I had just $5 in my bank account. After briefly consulting with my financial advisor—my roommate Jon—I withdrew that money to buy a sandwich. (My financial advisor and I were hungry). The sandwich, I’m happy to report, was good. Nevertheless, buying it left me broke, and I was forced to sling rock and prostitute myself in order to survive the rest of the semester. (Actually, I was forced to get off my lazy, perpetually hungover ass and get a job at a local hotel).

Then, after I graduated from college, I worked as a staff writer for a magazine that was, in hindsight, doomed to fail. It was a start-up that never got started, and after approximately six months of unpaid labor, my bank account had dwindled until I had $20 to my name. Thankfully, I had a support network. My gainfully employed friend Jeff kept me knee-deep in booze whenever we went out drinking, and my then-girlfriend (now wife) covered the rent on the apartment we shared until I got back on my feet (she’s still waiting). My point is, I’ve managed to procure booze, food, and shelter in even the leanest of times. If you follow my advice, you can, too.

1. Let’s get this out of the way first: Never empty your bank account to buy a sandwich. I don’t care how hungry you are. The salty deliciousness of lunch meats is but fleeting. Trust me.

2. If you have expensive tastes, now is the time to cheapen them. Do you spend a few bucks everyday on Coke, Pepsi, or any of those other fancy name-brand sodas? Well, Rockefeller J. Moneypants, please allow me to introduce you to Messrs. Nehi and Shasta. (Note: RC Cola is for the truly desperate. Go down that road only if you must).

Other suggestions:

• Steak is expensive. Try Salisbury Steak. Or, if Salisbury Steak is too pricey—the cost of brown gravy tends to rise in times of economic uncertainty—try Salisbury Steak’s less-selective cousin, Frostburg Steak (Maryland humor!).
• Try Pop Rocks as an inexpensive alternative to caviar.
• Champagne? Champale.
• Wine? Cheerwine.

3. Ask yourself: What would Jesus do? As far as I can tell, the Prince of Peace never had a job—and yet he always had robes to wear and food to eat. How did he do it? Simple: He had magical powers. He could turn water into wine, thereby saving tons of money on alcohol. And the good news is, you don’t need to be a major religious figure to perform your own booze-related miracles. You, too, can crank out the homemade hooch. I brewed my own beer a few years ago, and it was a tremendously cost-effective way for my friends and me to get unfathomably drunk.

I brewed my beer using the Mr. Beer home brewing kit. The beers are easy to make—alarmingly easy, actually—and the stout recipe, in particular, produced a potent and toothsome brew that afforded me a powerful, Jager-esque buzz. I should note, however, that the consumption of homebrew can have some rather mysterious side effects, including (but by no means limited to): Invisibility; intense feelings of vulnerability followed closely by an overwhelming urge to subvert the dominant paradigm; temporary homelessness; and superhuman strength. Hand to god: after consuming a two-liter bottle of my homemade elixir, I was able to kill Ganon without using the silver arrow. (I also killed Rich Gannon, but that was a separate incident). As a warning, I should also note that after we drank my entire supply in a single night, the resulting Homebrew Hangover left three of my friends dead and the rest of us wishing we were. But it was a small sacrifice to make in order to save a few bucks on our buzz. I think Jesus would’ve approved.

And if you take one thing away from this lengthy screed, let it be this: Desperate times do not call for desperate measures; they call for resourcefulness. And just remember, as FDR famously said, that even in the worst of times, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And alligators. And the total collapse of the world’s financial markets. And crocodiles, which are kind of like alligators, only meaner and faster. But if you follow my advice, you’ll be ready for whatever the next few months (or years) bring. Or, if you simply follow my last bit of advice and load up on homebrew, you’ll be too drunk to care. Just make sure you save some for Adam Smith. Dude gets awfully ornery if there’s no booze around.

He-Man Looks Back in Anger

2008-12-21T21:58:00.009-05:00

Reflections and Regrets From a Former Master of the Universe

Part I: The Early Years

Look, I’ve made some mistakes. I’ve put some hard miles on this body, and when you’ve lived like I’ve lived, you’re bound to have a few things on the ol’ resume that you aren’t too proud of. But there’s one thing you should know about me: I put it all on the line, every goddamn day. I rolled the dice. I never played it safe. You know what I want on my tombstone? Balls-Out. That’s it. No “Here Lies He-Man” or any of that shit. Just Balls-Out. Balls. Out. What’s that old saying? The rolling stone gathers no moss? Well, I’ve rolled all over the goddamn world. And I was moss-free, baby. Moss-fucking-free. But now? I’m covered in the stuff. Just covered in it.

My counselor keeps telling me that I’m too trusting, that I make myself too vulnerable. He’s always like, “You can’t keep putting yourself in these situations, He-Man,” like I fucking asked to get robbed by that hooker in Carson City. Like I was wearing a goddamn sign that said, “Please stab me and rob me and roll my unconscious body into a ditch.” My counselor’s like, “He-Man, you make bad decisions.” Fuck you. You make bad decisions. You know what was a bad decision, Doc? Paying $175 an hour just to listen to you talk bullshit all day long. That was a fucking terrible decision. Give me a goddamn break. I’m He-Man. I don’t make bad decisions. I don’t even make decisions at all. Decisions are for pussies. I act. I go with the gut. And when you go with the gut, you’re gonna get stabbed and robbed by a few hooker hitchhikers every now and then. It happens. Cost of doin’ business, as they say. And I got a question for you: If this court-appointed counselor guy is a real doctor, then why can’t he prescribe medicine? I go up to him the other day and I’m like, “Hey Doc, it hurts when I sleep. Write me a note for some Oxy, will ya?” And he’s like, “Sorry He-Man. That’s not what you need. And I can’t write a prescription for you, anyway.” Fucking useless.

What were we talking about again? Right, right, my supposedly “reckless” habit of picking up hitchhikers. Look, if offering rides to poor strangers every now and again is wrong, then I’m never gonna be right, OK? I look out for the poor people of the world. It’s what I do. It’s my mission from God. Or Buddha, or Yoda, or whoever’s up there flipping burgers in that great Hardee’s in the sky. I know this might come across as a shock to some of you, but He-Man has a heart, ladies and gentlemen. He-Man cares. I’m sorry, but I do. I have a huge heart. Seriously, I have an enlarged heart. My doctor says it’s because of all the juice I’ve done over the years, but my old lady says it’s because I’m so full of love—and I’m inclined to believe her. Hey, did you ever see that Elephant Man movie? The one where he’s like, “Maybe my head is so big because it’s so full of dreams?” Well, maybe that’s why my heart got so big. Because it’s so full of love. And dreams. Yeah, that’s good shit right there, man. Write that down. Hey, you wanna hear something crazy? A few years ago, Michael Jackson went out and bought the Elephant Man’s bones. Now why in the world would somebody go and do something like that? This was back when he was the King of Pop, right? He had all the money in the world, and I guess he was like, “You know what I should do with all this coin? I should buy some dead freak’s bones.” And where would you even find that shit? Is there some kind of bone store out there that I don’t know about? He was an odd dude. Michael, I mean. Tito was pretty cool. We used to hang out. We cut an album together one time. Tito did his thing, and I rapped on it. Those were the early days of rap music. My name’s He-Man and I’m here to say, I’m the coolest guy in the USA. You know, real grassroots stuff.

He-Man in 2007 at the Toledo premiere of "Suplex of Love,"
a film about pro wrestling starring Mickey Rourke.
It was He-Man's directorial debut.
The film was not well-received.

‘Roids? You’re goddamn right I used ‘em. Of course I did. Everybody was juicing back then. I was playing JuCo ball down in San Jacinto—starting safety, plus I returned a few kicks and punts—and all the guys on my team were doing it, so I thought I’d give it a shot. Why not, right? But let me explain something to you: The shit we were doing back then wasn’t anything like that specialized junk you got nowadays. This stuff wasn’t gonna help you recover faster from workouts, or get more endurance or whatever. This shit was gonna get you big. And it worked. I have no idea what was in it. All I know is, this stuff was potent. You could basically shoot this shit in your ass and just sit around all day and drink beer and eat Fritos, and you’d still get huge.

Yeah, we had a pretty good team down there. Some crazy motherfuckers, that’s for sure. That’s where I met Duncan—you know, Man-At-Arms. He was a year ahead of me. Running Back. Went on to play at UT and got drafted 4th overall by the Oilers. Had a few good years in the League before he shredded his knee in a motorcycle accident. Clawful was down there in San Jacinto, too—but nobody called him Clawful back then. He was just Gary, the skinny-ass outside linebacker. He was quick and he could hit, but Coach was on his ass from day one telling him he had to get bigger, had to bulk up, had to add like 50 pounds of muscle if he ever wanted to play DI. Gary tried everything, but nothing worked. Then one of Gary’s buddies went down to Mexico and came back with some really crazy-looking stuff in a tiny little vial. It looked like clam chowder and smelled like the dumpster outside of Long John Silver’s. Turns out it was just anabolic mixed with crab juice, but Gary was desperate so he bought it. His buddy sold it to him for, like, a grand. He told him that the crab juice would make his bones harder—you know, like a crab’s shell. And I’ll be damned if that nasty-smelling shit didn’t work. Gary got big—real big. ‘Course, his hands turned into claws, but Gary didn’t care. I remember how he used to snip the tops off of beer cans. He’d snip ‘em off with that one giant claw of his and just guzzle ‘em down. I saw him snip his way through a couple of thirty-racks of Coors one night. Swear to god dude drank 60 beers. And if you think for a second that having claws prevented Gary from taking the field each week, then you don’t know JuCo football, my friend. Some of the teams we played, bro, having a crab-man on the field was the least of the ref’s concerns. I saw a guy get shot one time—and this was way before The Last Boy Scout came out. JuCo was no joke, man.

Anyway, after he got big, Gary dominated. Those claws made him impossible to block. He just tore through the line on every play. Led the league in sacks for two straight years. But after he killed that dude, the shit kinda hit the fan for ol’ Gary. Yeah, he killed a dude. You didn’t hear about it? Total accident. Some fool’s helmet came off, and he took a claw right to the dome. Frankly, I’m surprised it didn’t happen more often. Anyway, after it happened, Gary was done. None of the big DI programs would take him. Switzer tried to recruit him, but he backed off once the papers got wind of it. Something about having a half-crab with a manslaughter charge on the team just didn’t sit right with some of the folks in Oklahoma, I guess. Their loss, man. Gary was a great, great guy. Helluva linebacker, too. God damn, I miss that dude. Jesus, it’s been twenty years and I still can’t believe he’s dead.

How Will O.J. Jail?

2008-12-05T15:31:00.006-05:00

After adding Kidnapping and Armed Robbery to a resume that already included Double Homicide and a Heisman, O.J. Simpson was sentenced to 15 years in prison today after being convicted of breaking into a Vegas hotel room and holding two men hostage in order to recover some sports memorabilia that he claimed had been stolen from him. Hey, it could happen to any of us.

But with the Juice headed for the stoney lonesome, the question remains: How will O.J. jail? How will he handle being behind bars? How will the other inmates and guards treat him? Does the prison where he's headed have a football team? Is AC fitting the Bronco with a battering ram to break through the prison walls and rescue O.J.? You know who this is, god dammit.

Jeff and Ryan break it down:

Ryan: I think the Juice will jail strong at first but eventually wear down. He'll surely do something stupid in there to prolong his stay.

Jeff: I'm torn on his jailin'. I just can't see how he'll jail strong. Too many years on the golf course, plus he's been out of the killin' game. Someone's gonna set him right early. I guess the best thing going for him is his Heisman and his contacts within the force.

By the way, we need to get on the Free Juice Train early this time; you know, before it gets really unpopular.

Ryan: Agreed. We've missed so many Free _____ Trains over the years. James Brown, Darryl Strawberry, Dexter Manley... Never again.

See, I think O.J. will jail strong for two reasons:

1. Most of his fellow inmates will respect the fact that he murdered two people and got away with it. He beat the system. He's a folk hero. Like that freezer lady in Georgia.

2. The dudes who have been locked up for a long time will only know him as O.J. the star running back. They've never seen the Naked Gun movies. They may have heard about his trial, but they didn't see the cartoonish side of it. He'll surely be the first pick for every rec yard sports team.

The guards could give him trouble, though. He just needs to remember one thing: You only do two days in prison--the day you get in, and the day Lawrence Phillips sneaks up on you in the mess hall and kills you.

Jeff: Lawrence Phillips, there's a man that jails strong.

Ryan: Somewhere Lance Ito is weeping on giant piles of money. You know... this never would've happened if Johnnie Cochran was still around.

Jeff: God rest his smutty soul.

Ryan: Good night, sweet prince.

2008-11-30T21:37:00.007-05:00

According to an AP article that I read yesterday on ESPN.com, American goalkeeper Brad Friedel recently set the record for most consecutive English Premier League appearances, with 167. Friedel, who plays for Aston Villa, set the record on Saturday in a game against Fulham. Afterward, he had this to say about his longevity:

"I have been fortunate with injuries, touch wood, and when I have got the odd knock it has always seemed to coincide with international breaks."

Over here, we say "knock on wood," Brad. Touching wood is something else entirely.

And:

"Is it nice that I have been able to get a run of games? Yes, absolutely, but I hope to have many more games ahead of me."

A "run of games"? The "odd knock"? Yes, yes, and a wicked googly to you, too, good sir. Now if you'll excuse me, I must take the lift to the loo. I'm going on holiday in a fortnight and the lorry is a tad late with me tea and crumpets. You're from OHIO, Brad. Ohio.

British-isms aside, I'd like to congratulate Friedel. It has taken years for American soccer players to earn even a modicum of respect on the international stage, so it's good to see a U.S. player stick around for so long in what is arguably the greatest league in the world.

In related news, Tony Meola has worn the same pair of sweatpants for 167 straight days.

Brad Friedel is grizzled. Also, his team's primary sponsor is a 24-hour gambling site where you can go to place bets on English Premier League matches. Pete Rose played the wrong sport.

The New Latin America?

2008-11-24T18:25:00.002-05:00

I am not one for link posts, but this needed to be shared.

http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/08329/930453-100.stm

Leave it to the Pittsburgh Pirates to think outside the box and mine the vast untapped resource known as the subcontinent...

What Would Mo Vaughn Do?

2008-11-21T13:42:00.011-05:00

In celebration of Ryan graduating college and finally buying a flat screen as well as the Wizard's Bullets inspired start to the season, I’ve decided I need to watch more college basketball this year.

Since Maryland is picked to finish last in the ACC (how does this happen? Isn’t that why Virginia Tech, Boston College, and Miami were added? Jerrod Mustaf must be rolling on his bench) and Penn State is one of the worst major conference teams, I’ve decided to look for a new squad to root for. Sort of like when Simmons picked an EPL league, I’ve put together some conditions to evaluate my team.

1) Troubledness: on a scale of 1 to 10 with Doug Christie as a one, Darius Miles as a 7, and Stephen Jackson as a 13 (too troubled), we're looking for a solid 9. Somewhere in the Corey Dillon-seats: troubled for sure, but not too troubled to be suspended for any real lengths of time.

2) Underappeciated Alumni. Someone like Willie McGee or the inventor of Mouse Trap.

3) At least one fat dude. Goes without saying.

4) General Elegance. Blowed out locks, slam dunk chin-ups, coach that brings a gun to practice, all huge plusses.

5) State school? Naaa, Commuter School. The Richmonds and Vanderbilts of the world need not apply.

6) Basketball team's chances. The bottomline is that I want a team that makes the tournament. Sure I'll support the terrible teams of the world (We Are Penn State!), but that's the point of this exercise, to have a horse to ride come March.

From these criterion I short-listed my list to two candidates. Let's do a tale of the tape.

Virginia Commonwealth vs. Seton Hall:

School Commonly referred to as: VCU vs. The Hall. Not a good start for the South

Famous alumni I can recite without going to Wikipedia: Gerald Henderson (ok, that required Wiki) vs. Maurce F'n Vaughn. This might not be close.

Wikipedia alumni: VCU's alumni is shockingly unfun. I mean "Saul Krugman"?!? I wonder what vaccine he invented?! Am I right!? (Huh, apparently Hepatitis B). The only ones worth mentioning are "Several founding members of the band GWAR"- actually, that's pretty cool- and "Donwan Harrell", founder of the New York-based urban clothing company Akademiks (see, the egregious spelling makes it cool!). Seton Hall on the other hand has Mo Vaughn. Oh, and Eddie Griffin, may God bless his smutty soul. The Hall is 3 and 0.

Basketball team's chances: VCU still has some of the team that beat Duke two years ago, including Eric Maynor. The Hall upset 23rd-ranked USC last night. VCU is on the board.

Fat Dudes: VCU no one over 240. Seton Hall's starting center is a generous 265... and he's 75 pounds lighter than his backup who weighs in at nearly three and a half bills, plus the dude at 345 is named "Melvyn".

OK, the slaughter rule has been declared.

I was kind of hoping that Ben Wallace's and Charles Oakley's school, Virginia Union, was somehow the same as VCU. [An aside: you don't have to believe in God or whatever, but to say that there's no such thing as destiny is to ignore the fact that Ben Wallace and Charles Oakley went to the same tiny school in Virginia.]

The bottomline is that I'm buying a Terry Dehare throwback and cheering for Seton Hall this season.

Need more evidence including slam dunk chin-ups? Watch the highlight from last night's game.

Seriously Tim Floyd, I realize you're trying to get canned and so you're wearing an untucked polo shirt, but dog, at least comb your hair; for god's sake you're in public.

You'll Always Be the Devil Rays to Me

2008-10-21T23:51:00.014-04:00

A few observations as I was watching the Rays hold off the Red Sox in nail-biting fashion the other night:

1. This marks the eighth time in the past eleven years that the American League representative in the World Series has come from the A.L. East—and the first time during that time frame that the A.L. East has been represented by a team other than the Yankees or the Red Sox. This makes me happy. I’d be happier if the team in question was a scrappy bunch of underachievers in orange and black, but, as my dad says, “If wishes were horses, then scientists would clone Matt Wieters and he'd be able to play every position and pitch, even, and nobody would think it was weird that the Orioles were winning a bunch of games with a roster full of cloned dudes because they’d be too busy getting their asses handed to them by an army of Wieters.”

My dad says that all the time.

2. David Price. Good at baseball. David Blaine. Bad at magic.

"For my next trick, I will attempt to dribble a football. Seriously, guys, it's not that easy."

They look kind of similar, right?

3. Rays fans don't know how to party. This is not a big surprise, I guess. Tampa is not a baseball town, after all. (I guess it’s a football town? I’m really not sure. Tampa is mysterious. They have alligators there). And I realize that, as recently as a month ago, the Rays' entire fan base consisted of 37 relatives of Dioner Navarro, the staff at Baseball Prospectus and my Uncle Wayne. And, yes, for the first ten years of their existence, the Rays were utterly, spectacularly terrible, and it’s hard to rally around a 5th place team. But none of these reasons can excuse the following transgressions of fandom that occurred during the ALCS:

a. The signs in the Tampa stands were hilariously amateurish. I (Heart) Upton! read one. Beat Those Sox! read another. And when the final out was recorded, a few fans in the upper deck dramatically unfurled a vinyl sign that read: “First Time in History.” Nevermind the fact that ten years is not a lot of "history." The sign looked like it had been lifted from a used car lot, like they had cut off the bottom part that said "Geo Prizms and Dodge Neons Priced Under $1K! No, Money Down!"

Dear Rays fans: you owe the fans from Bases Loaded royalties for those horrible signs.

Does no one in Tampa have the ability to craft an even halfway decent pun? No ‘Bring the Pena’? No ‘Rays ‘em up’? It took me two seconds to come up with those, and I'm not even drunk. Well, I'm kind of drunk.

b. The celebration music they were playing in the stadium made me envious of the deaf.

In the song “Counting Bodies Like Sheep to the Rhythm of the War Drum” by A Perfect Circle, there’s a moment when singer Maynard James Keenan hisses Go back to sleep in a voice that sounds like knives being sharpened. It takes place roughly three minutes into the song, and it is terrifying. When the Rays were celebrating their victory on the field, the song playing over the loudspeaker sounded like a loop of that same terrifying, sharp-edged line. It is a frighteningly awesome line, from a frighteningly awesome song. But to listen to it—or something that sounded like it—over and over was the aural equivalent of staring directly into Medusa’s eyes. After a minute, my ears started to bleed. After two minutes, I ran upstairs to grab my baby daughter from her crib, all but certain that the apocalypse was nigh. And before we reached the fourth minute, I had turned to stone. This was not celebration music. This was music to accompany great and terrible acts of violence. This was music to justify an insanity plea. And yet, it was still better than “Celebrate good times, c’mon!”*.

4. I'd like to point out that Jeff and I liked the Rays way, way before it was cool. Like, back in the days of Crime Dog and Greg Vaughn.

My Series prediction? Rays in 6. However, part of me will be rooting for the Phillies because, if they win, the city of Philadelphia will riot—and Papa needs a new Liberty Bell.

* Please do not read this as an indictment of Kool or any of the members of his Gang—all of whom are fine, upstanding citizens who have more Funkiness in their little fingers than I have in my entire Dockers-wearing, Double-Windsor-knotting body.

The NFC West

2008-09-22T11:54:00.002-04:00

You know what's awesome? Having your team play in the NFC West. Seriously. You should try it. 0-2 start you say? 1-6 on the Wide Receiver depth chart out with injuries you say? Don't worry, you play the St. Louis Rams.

But seriously, thank you Redskins. Beating Arizona for us was clutch. Maybe if we meet in the playoffs again we won't beat you this time. Well, no, sorry, we'll still beat you. That is, if Matt Hasselbeck has a professional wide receiver to throw to. I think he will. In fact, I think he will by week 5. We should have Branch and Engram back by the time we play Arizona, Boldin should be injured by then, and we'll be fine. Because we play in the NFC West. And it's awesome.

So, regardless of what I titled this post, it's really just a random football ramble. These are my thoughts on the NFL after Week 3. Well, the Jets and Chargers play tonight, but seriously, who cares.

The Bills. They're good. They're the best team in the AFC East. They will win the AFC East, because Miami and NYJ still suck, and, despite what a lot of people who hate good teams say, Tom Brady actually is a very good quarterback, and replacing him with just anybody doesn't mean that O-line, that system, Bill Belichick, and Randy Moss can still mow people down.

Eli Manning. He's good??? I guess so. I mean, I thought there was a chance that winning the Super Bowl meant he'd turned a corner, but it was kind of fluky. And he hasn't looked fantastic. But I've seen a couple plays (down field to Toomer in OT with a gorgeous bomb) where he actually looks like THE Manning.

Speaking of THE Manning... Indy sucks. Oh, and Jacksonville doesn't look very good either. Who's going to win that division? Who cares? Once Tennessee gets in the mix, I stop paying attention.

You know what? The AFC sucks this year. At least so far. I know a lot can change, but really. The only bright spots I think are the Broncos, who I'm calling for the Super Bowl, and the Bills. Every other team is just disappointment. When the Chargers lost in Week 1, I heard people say that it was a surprise because they were a favorite for the Super Bowl. They were? Why? Their defense is good (or should be). Their QB is Phillip fucking douche bag Rivers, their coach is Norv "I'm actually an offensive coordinator pretending to be a head coach" Turner, and LT can only do so much. I mean, really, he can do SOOOOO MUCH, but that's not enough to beat a good Broncos team. Hell, aparently it's not enough to beat a bad Carolina team. AT HOME.

But you know what else? The NFC is pretty fucking awesome. As much as I hate to admit it, the Cowboys are good. Luckily, they play in the polar opposite of the NFC West, the NFC EAST. Holy crap that division is awesome and always has been. The Eagles look sick. The Giants look back and forth, but pretty damn good. The Cowboys will win the division and then Romo will make a bonehead play to lose in the playoffs. Seriously, I think Romo's career is going to be shadowed like this the entire way. He's going to be very good, but make boneheaded, dimple-faced, good ol' boy grinnin' mistakes when they really matter and he'll just never be awesome. In last week's game against the Eagles, when he fumbled in the end zone, recovered, turned to see 3 green monsters swarming on him, why didn't he just hurl the ball away? Can it be grounding if there's been a fumble? Anyway, Romo is like the best quarterback that sucks. I hate Romo.

The St. Louis Rams, the Kansas City Chiefs, the Detroit Lions. These teams are very bad. Like abysmal. When you've got Julius Jones and TJ Duckett combining for over 200 yds rushing, combined with a passing attack that consists of a guy named Courtney and another named Bumpus scoring on you, you are a terrible, awful, unbelievably bad football team. Thank you St. Louis Rams.

I hate watching games involving the Chicago Bears and the Baltimore Ravens. I mean, if you can assemble an entire defense as good as they have, why can't you assemble... a quarterback. What's hilarious is that Baltimore actually tries to. They love drafting them some qb's.

I miss Wide Receivers. Seriously. Last week, before the game, I was excited that we were going to have Seneca Wallace as a starting WR, because he's awesome. Our backup QB is 5th on our WR depth chart. That's cool. What's not cool is having to have your 5th WR start as your #1. Well, having to, but not being able to because HE TOO GETS INJURED. 1-6. Unbelievable. Has this ever happened before? Deion Branch, Bobby Engram, Nate Burleson (IR), Ben Obomanu (IR), Seneca Wallace, Logan Payne (IR). What? 3 on IR too! What the hell. We RE-SIGNED Koren Robinson for christ's sake! We actually traded a DRAFT PICK for Keary Colbert. We played Courtney Taylor, Michael Bumpus, and Billy McMullen???? Who are these guys? They sound like characters in a Dukes of Hazzard rip off.

Feels good to get that off my chest. Well I'm kind of done rambling. Wilson, congrats to your Bills, they look great. As do the Eagles. My Seahawks are in shambles, and I'm still fairly confident we'll make the playoffs. Teams from Ohio are awful.

I'm stoked about the season, even though I should be terrified. But my Seahawks play in the NFC West, so everything is going to be alright.

The King is Dead, Long Live the King

2008-09-07T20:58:00.003-04:00

A post is coming on the forthcoming ascendancy of the Bills and the end of the Belichick reign of terror. I'm just so delirious with happiness that I can't really string together words complete sentences in. Post tomorrow maybe I will write.

Obama Acceptance Speech Drinking Game

2008-08-28T17:15:00.004-04:00

A drinking game, sure to keep you sober, in honor of tonight's historic speech:

Obama comes out wearing a Trevor Pryce jersey: one beer

Obama comes out wearing an Elvis Dumervil-autographed helmet: 10 beers

Obama refers to the South as having “Selvin Young type-upside”: Six beers

He refers to Invesco Field as “the House that Michael Dean Perry built”: 75 beers

Obama analogizes John McCain as once the 2000 version of Ed McCaffrey, but now nothing more than the 2003 version: seven beers

Obama acknowledges the dignitaries in the crowd: Civil Rights Leaders (no beers), Elway (one sip), Terrell Davis (one beer), Steve Atwater (two beers), Karl Mecklenburg (fifth of Beam).

Obama calls Terrell Davis "the Greatest Runningback of all-time-dot-com": 12 beers and a box of Bugles (box of Big Cheez-It if low on Bugles)

Obama gives a somewhat uplifting speech that really doesn’t say too much, but was kind of cool in an Outdoor Hockey kind of way: one to two good beers, casually drank.

The Should-Have-Been GTA Soundtrack

2008-08-20T23:34:00.006-04:00

Sorry about the few posts. I'm lazy, and libertarianism and Buffalo Bills are the only two things I know anything about and neither Ron Paul nor Trent Edwards has done anything interesting lately so I've been quiet.

Aside: I'm lying of course. Trent Edwards went 9-11 with 2 TDS against the Steelers and looked awesome. I really believe he will be good, and you guys better get out of my way during the fantasy football draft. Lee Evans is set for a huge breakout.

Continuing then with my theme of writing about things that no one but me cares about, I'm going to write about Grand Theft Auto IV and heavy metal music. Specifically about my favorite songs for careening recklessly down a faux-Seventh Avenue in a stolen Lamborghini while being chased by a police helicopter and 30 FBI Hummers.

Another Aside: If you aren't playing GTA, you really ought to be. It's among the most highly reviewed games in history, and for good reason. It's quite fun, and very impressive as an achievement. Other things you probably aren't doing but should be doing include: Watching The Venture Brothers, buying an iPhone, and reading Watchmen.

I understand that the game comes with a built in soundtrack. It's extremely vast, with songs from all different genres. Not terrible, but certainly not appriciative of what goes on in this game. Sticking to the classic rock station as an example, we have songs like Q Lazzarus' "Goodbye Horses". A fine song, but conjuring up mellow-yet-creepy images of Ted Levine dancing around naked with his weiner tucked between his legs while I'm trying to jump the Hudson River on a motorcycle. . .well you can see where I have a problem. The jazz station is classy, but seriously. . .a jazz station? Do we really want to associate Charlie Parker's good name and smooth sax with firing a submachine gun through the window of an oncoming police cruiser?

I have here several bands that surely would not mind being associated with such imagery. They have often put worse on their album covers.

1. Black Sabbath - Die Young

You all know my affinity for Ronnie James Dio. If I ever fully embrace the image of a blogger (i.e. someone who acts like an expert but actually doesn't know a damn thing) I will write a post someday about how he is the greatest voice in rock and roll history.

Dio: Turning kids to Satanism decades before Marilyn Manson

In 1979 the non-Ozzy members of Black Sabbath decided to fire Ozzy Ozzborne for drinking too much--somewhat like being fired from Weezer for being too much of a hipster. So they turned to the greatest voice in rock music, who had been in such awesome bands as Elf, and Rainbow (both very gay sounding, both very awesome). Subsequently, they released my favorite Sabbath album.

The title track from this album, "Heaven and Hell", is actually already in the game. It just lacks the punch that Die Young does, having a very slow tempo for the first 5 minutes of the song (ala Stairway). Die Young, takes a break in the middle, but that's a perfect time to back up before you blast through that police barricade at the song's big crescendo. The guitar solo (which is approximately 30 minutes long) is so perfect for this game. The lyrics are helpful, as well.

Gather the wind
Though the wind won't help you fly at all
Your back's to the wall
Then chain the sun
And then it turns around and face you
As you run, you run, you run!

So live for today
Tomorrow never comes
Die young, young!

2. Helloween - Murderer (terrible quality, download it!)

I think most of you probably don't know Helloween because you don't follow German 80's Speed Metal. Consider this your introduction to the fastest and cheeziest band in history. They are hilarious, and awesome. This song may as well have been written for GTA. I would not recommend playing it while you are driving for real, because you will feel almost compelled to activate the acceleromatrix in your car (I don't drive myself; cars still have acceleromatrices, right?)

Lyrics:

Look for a safe place where noone will find you
And try to escape from the law
Wherever you are there's a killer behind you
Wanting to get you for sure
To lose the fear that one day he will get you
Be faster and kill him and run
Now you don't have to fear him no more
But in his place another headhunter will come
...run away!

3. Judas Priest - Breaking the Law

Come on. I don't really need to write anything here. The song maybe isn't fast enough for the car-chase-theme I have going on here, but it's pretty close. The lyrics and classic nature make up the difference.

4. Van Halen - Unchained

This comes off of Van Halen's best album, and their most under-played album, "Fair Warning". This album rocks. It's not conventional Van Halen. There's more interesting stuff going on than on albums like "1984" and Unchained displays some of that. The absolutely rocking chorus is great for flying around corners and weaving through traffic. Like some of the other songs on this list, there is a great slow interlude which then builds back into the driving force of the melody.

Lyrics:

Change, nothin' stays the same
Unchained, and ya hit the ground runnin'
Change, ain't nothin' stays the same
Unchained, yeah ya hit the ground runnin'

5. Dead Kennedys - Police Truck

This song is one of my favorite Dead Kennedys songs. It's very funny, fast, and has a distinctive sound. The guitar impresses me, and I think it's a great fit on this list as well. The lyrics are wildly unsafe for work, so I won't post them. I love this song though.

Third aside: Did you know Jello Biafra, lead singer for the Dead Kennedys, ran for president? I love his voice, hate his politics, and love his name. In 2000 the Green Party of New York State nominated him, but he lost the primary to Ralph Nader. People make fun of the Libertarians, and rightfully so, but the Greens are just as nuts.

Actually, I'd vote for the guy.

Anyway, to be continued. Watch that Venture Brothers episode.

Home Run Scurvy

2008-07-15T01:26:00.004-04:00

I used to think that ESPN’s Jayson Stark was a fairly reasonable man. Then I read this, in which Stark breathlessly berates A-Rod for skipping the Home Run Derby. This section is particularly inept:

“Some day, A-Rod wants people to watch him walk down the street and say, ‘There goes the real home run king.’ Well, we hate to break it to him, but real home run kings think the Home Run Derby is part of their job description, not somebody else's problem.”

Allow me to make three points about the Home Run Derby:

1. The Home Run Derby is part of no one’s job description.

A professional baseball player’s job description looks something like this:

a. Show up before the game starts.
b. Try not to be drunk. (Hungover is OK).
c. Hit the ball and/or play your position according to your abilities.
d. Don’t test positive for drugs more than, like, seven times.
e. Some drugs are OK.

Nowhere in the MLBPA Collective Bargaining Agreement does it say anything to the effect of, “Thou shalt risk injury by participating in a glorified marketing stunt just because some ESPN columnist thought it would be really cool.” (In fact, the Home Run Derby is mentioned only once in the MLBPA Collective Bargaining Agreement, and it has to do with an agreement with ESPN that one of the player interviews during the telecast will focus on MLB “Trust activities.”)

2. If you are older than ten, then you do not care about the Home Run Derby. This is a scientifically proven fact. A few years ago, in a little-known experiment, a group of scientists showed 500 ten year old boys a tape of the 2002 Home Run Derby. The boys went wild. They thought it was the coolest thing ever. Tons of home runs! Loud music! Players laughing and joking around with each other, just like regular folk! Awesome!

The scientists then showed each boy the same tape on his 11th birthday. Here’s a sampling of the boys’ responses:

Boy 17: So they just, like, keep hitting home runs, right? Is that it?

Boy 212: How is this any different than batting practice?

Boy 333: Are there gonna be boobs in this video? ‘Cause that would be awesome.

Boy 467: Why are you at my birthday party?

Admit it, Jayson. Your argument boils down to this: Your inner child was hopelessly excited about the possibility of watching A-Rod hit a bunch of home runs. That’s it, right? And afterward, Mommy was going to take you to Friendly’s and let you get TWO ice cream sundaes! And fries! And a milkshake! Because it’s Home Run Derby day!

It’s your fantasy, my friend.

3. Avoiding the Home Run Derby will do nothing to tarnish A-Rod’s resume. A-Rod could retire tonight and still get voted into the Hall of Fame on every ballot. Ten years from now, when people talk about the best players to ever play the game, A-Rod’s name will come up. The fact that he avoided the 2008 HRD will not. How many Home Run Derbies did Hank Aaron participate in? How about Willie Mays?

Stark also supports an unnamed team official’s theory that A-Rod is avoiding the HRD because of the recent Madonna scandal. Stark writes, “He's afraid of not winning. He's afraid of being ripped in the tabloids. He's afraid of hearing it's all Madonna's fault.”

Um, seriously? You think A-Rod is losing sleep over the fact that some drunken Yankee fans might serenade him with an impromptu performance of ‘Material Girl’? Have you forgotten that A-Rod plays in Yankee Stadium, like, every night? And that he gets booed there, like, all the time? And that the tabloids rip on him, like, every day? Remember “Stray-Rod”?

Now it’s my turn to theorize: A-Rod is inured to the boos. Like most professional athletes, he has no particular allegiance to the city where he plays his home games. Steinbrenner signs his paychecks, and A-Rod goes home each night and rests his weary head in his palatial Manhattan apartment. That’s the extent of his connection to New York. He wants the Yankees to win, no doubt, but only because he’s a competitor who plays a game for a living in which overall team success is measured by wins and losses – not because he drank the Yankee Kool-Aid (“Now with 25% more Mystique!”) and he now bleeds for the Bronx and shits pinstripes.

And, perhaps most unbelievably, in an effort to disprove the “Derby Curse,” Stark suggests that three former Derby champs -- Ryan Howard, Cal Ripken, and Andrew Dawson -- actually “used the Derby as a springboard to win an MVP award.” A-Rod hasn’t participated in the HRD since 2002. Since then, he’s won three MVP awards. That pretty much shoots your theory to hell, huh, Jayson?

* Note: As I’m typing this, Josh Hamilton is depositing baseballs on the moon. Everyone seems to be having fun, and Milton Bradley is actually smiling. I take back everything I said about the HRD. The HRD is awesome.

This Does Not Look Good for the NBA

2008-07-14T17:31:00.001-04:00

Disgraced NBA Referee's Phone Calls to Second Ref Raise Questions

So, Davey, is Tim Donaghy still a "rogue, isolated criminal"? Inquiring minds want to know!

The Greatest Music Video Ever Made

2008-07-08T18:42:00.002-04:00

Watch this video as soon as you can.

http://www.vimeo.com/1223566

Special thanks to one John O. for this truly spectacular link.

Blog Blog Blog

2008-07-08T11:15:00.005-04:00

Remember when we had a blog, and we posted stuff on it and commented on the posts and stuff? Yeah, those were good times. Ahhh, memories... Yesterday... all my troubles seemed so faraway... We had a blog and it was super-cool... Oh, I believe in blogs and stuff...

Well, it's time to recapture the glory. I'll lead the way with a series of "back to basics" posts designed to get the ol' blog juices flowin' again. But first, some music to get you back in the blogging spirit. (If Liquid Swords doesn't motivate you to get that ass bloggin', then nothing will).

On to the post:

Ryan's Mid-Season Fantasy Baseball All-Star Team

(Yes, I'm aware that every fantasy baseball site has done some version of this. Mine is different because it's based on player values in our awesome 47x23 league):

C Geovany Soto (Streakier than bacon, yes, but he gets the edge due to draft position)

1B Adrian Gonzalez (although Pujols in round 2 still looks pretty good)

2B Chase Utley (The first person who taunts me with a "Where's Howie Kendrick?" comment gets a plastic bag full of angry bees in the mail...)

3B Chipper Jones

SS Hanley Ramirez

OF Lance Berkman

OF I can't decide whether to put Sizemore here, or Holliday. Sizemore leads the AL in dongs, and 40/40 is still within sight. Holliday missed some time and he's still raking, with an OPS of 1.000+. Plus he's running more. Fuck it, I'll go with Grady Sizemore. He's living up to a draft position that I felt was too high at the time (12th overall).

OF Josh Hamilton (Yeah, I traded for him at peak value. And yeah, he's only hitting .273 for my team. But he's in the Home Run Derby, bitches, so fuck ya'll. Home. Run. Derby. Last I checked, only SUPERSTARS get invited to that party...).

U Dan Uggla

U Ian Kinsler

U Corey Hart

SP Tim Lincecum (Yeah, I traded him. Shut up. Just shut up).

SP Edinson Volquez (Hit a bump in the road recently, with 11 earned runs and more walks than Ks over his past three starts, but he has otherwise been filthier than Duquan).

SP Ben Sheets

RP Francisco Rodriguez (K-Rod mashed after a shaky April. The only thing that can stop him now is if Bobby Thigpen goes Gillooly on him. Or if he has some other sort of non-Thigpen inflicted injury or something. Not to jinx him or anything, Ebner. [it should be noted that I have an irrational amount of love for Bobby Thigpen]).

RP George Sherrill (I love you, George, but I hope the Birds trade you while your value is inflated. Milwaukee needs a closer, and Baltimore could use another prospect to help them in their run to the World Series in 2011).

RP Kerry Wood (Drafted in the 19th round; surrounded by a ton of questions going into the season; has thus far silenced any concerns).

P Cliff Lee (or Ervin Santana)

P Zack Greinke (it's tough to leave the perpetually-underrated Roy Halladay off this list, but Greinke was a 24th-rounder [acquired by the Chipperbot via trade] and his 13 Quality Starts, 96 Ks, and decent WHIP make him an absolute steal that late in the draft)

P Scott Kazmir (I just really love Scott Kazmir. Question for the O's fans: Is it wrong that I love the Rays almost as much as I love the Orioles?)

So who am I overlooking here? Should it be Doumit instead of Soto? Who have I overhyped? Should Milton Bradley be on this list? How about Longoria? Pat the Bat?

Blog Blog Blog...

Owie Kendrick

2008-05-26T14:07:00.009-04:00

Here's an update on my fantasy baseball team thus far, told through a series of open letters to Howie Kendrick:

May 20, 2008

Dear Howie,

Hey, buddy. It’s me, Ryan. You know, the guy who drafted you in the sixth round? The guy who deliberately chose you even though Miguel Tejada was still on the board? How are you feeling? How’s that hammy? Still sore? I’m sorry that you don’t feel well, Howie. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. You’re in my thoughts, Howie. Everyday. I’d say that you’re in my prayers, too, but your injury and the time you’ve missed this year have led me to believe that if God does exist—and I have my doubts now—then He's nothing more than a twisted puppet master intent upon killing my fantasy baseball team's hopes, one strained hamstring at a time.

I need you, Howie. More than ever. Guess who I’ve been starting in your absence? Here's a hint: His name rhymes with "Sticky Leaks," and even after getting eight hits in the past five games, he's still not hitting his weight. It's Rickie Weeks, Howie. Rickie Weeks. And let’s just say that it took Rickie weeks to get that average above Mendoza this year.

Don't make me beg, Howie. I’m sorry that you’re in pain. I’m sorry that this muscle strain continues to sideline you. I’m sorry that your papier-mâché cotton candy motherfucking hamstring is still sore. I’m sorry that it’s taken you and your goddamn silly putty fucking body almost seven fucking weeks to recover from a goddamn motherfucking “hamstring strain.” Really, I am. I think I strained my hamstring once. I can’t really remember. Because it was a fucking strain. I probably just walked it off, or I poured some Tussin on it, or I drank beer until it didn't hurt anymore. The point is, it didn't prevent me from maintaining my active lifestyle of tossing the football around and occasionally running to catch the subway. Whatever happened to playing with a little pain? Remember Lou Gehrig? Does that name ring a bell? In his final full season he smacked 29 dongs and put up a .933 OPS, and he was in such bad shape that they ended up naming the fucking disease after him. So get well soon, Howie. Or don’t. Whatever. I’m riding the Clint Barmes train now.

Warmest Regards,
Ryan

That better be one of those special hamstring injury-healing pies

May 22, 2008

Hey Howie,

I'm sorry I got mad at you yesterday. I know that you want to be out there playing. And thanks for your reply. Thanks for pointing out that you wouldn't even take yourself in the 6th round, that your own mom waited until round 10 to pick you, and that I drafted "like Matt Millen" this year. If that's the case, then I guess that makes you my Charles Rogers, huh? Or my Mike Williams? Or my Every-Other-Stupid-Fucking-Bust-Ever? But really, I know your absence is only a small part of why my team is wallowing in 6th place right now. I can’t blame you for the Fukumori Experiment. Or the great Kelvim Escobar Dice-Roll of 2008. And, much like drinking Jagermeister or betting on boxing, drafting Mark Teahen seemed like a good idea at the time. The fact that your hamstring apparently has the tensile strength of dental floss had no bearing on these poor draft-day decisions. I know this.

But you're still out. With that same muscle strain. The latest news is that you've gone "back to the drawing board." Help me out here, Howie. What the fuck does that even mean? MLB disabled lists tend to be, at best, nebulous realms of half-truths and meaningless designations, but I gotta admit: this has been the longest "15 day" stretch of my motherfucking life—even longer than those two weeks during the summer after my sophomore year in high school when our air conditioner and cable kicked out at the same time. I read a lot during those two weeks, Howie. I'm reading a lot now, too. Like how your hamstring strain has been downgraded to a "more severe hamstring strain." I want you to get better, Howie. And I know you want to get better. But Barmes is raking like a fucking gardener right now, and Rickie Weeks is getting on base any way he can. So take your sweet time, pal.

Best,

Ryan

This is how Ryan looked when his 6th round pick went down... and stayed down

May 23, 2008

Howie,

Yeah, that was me going through your trash last night. And yeah, I'm the one who's been mailing you those envelopes stuffed full of ham and string. And yes, I was the guy standing outside your window last night yelling, "If I need that goddamn DL spot for anyone other than Hafner, your ass is waivers-bound!" Thanks for calling the cops, Howie. This is the pat on the back I get for drafting you in round 6? I had faith, Howie. Now all I have is a resisting arrest charge and a few bruised ribs.

I woke up this morning and saw that your Yahoo News and Notes box had that red flashy thing on it. I clicked it, hoping to get some good news. Instead, I got this giant middle finger of a Player Note:

May 22 Lyle Spencer, of Angels.MLB.com, reports Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim 2B Howie Kendrick (hamstring) worked out Thursday, May 22, and said his leg felt much better than the last time he ran. There is no timetable for his return.

Thanks a fucking lot, Lyle Spencer. Your leg feels better, Howie! That's great news! And yet, there's still "no timetable" for your return. In the meantime, Chris Young just went on the DL after taking an Albert Pujols line drive to the face. Oh, and ol' Moist-Hands Alou strained his calf last night and was immediately placed on the DL. I guess you don't take too many chances with the body of a 173-year-old. And Barmes will inevitably stop raking soon, and I don't know if I have the stomach to ride the Rickie Weeks Sooper Dooper Looper for the rest of the season. So I'll ask again: when are you coming home, Howie? Because what my team really needs right now is a .300 hitter who contributes little else across all the other stat categories. You know, like Moises. Without the piss-covered hands.

Fondly,
Ryan

An actual MRI of Howie Kendrick's hamstring

May 24, 2008

Dear Howie,

Clint Barmes just went on the DL. Fuck the world.

Sincerely,
Ryan

May 25, 2008

Dear Aaron Hill,

Hi, my name is Ryan…

Get Your Preak On

2008-05-16T11:19:00.001-04:00

The Preakness has a bit of an identity problem. It has long been called the middle child of the Triple Crown family, without the pomp, revelry, and sophistication of the Derby, and missing the historical significance and affluence of the Belmont. The Preakness’s contribution to the Triple Crown is: do not fuck this up. Its race track, Pimlico, is not only illustrative of Maryland racing, but a microcosm of its host city.

Pimlico’s crumbling infrastructure and lack of investment in its facilities and its neighborhood have become more obvious with each passing spring. Dilapidated homes and closed store fronts are the face of an area that prosperity has passed by. Perhaps the most telling comment on our society and its growing wealth gap is not the failure of such neighborhoods, but the refusal to confront or even acknowledge the problem. For evidence of this count how many different ways the announcers refer to the neighborhood tomorrow during raceday. Be sure to look out for: working-class, traditional, or up-and-coming (my favorite). Make no mistake: it is a ghetto and we ignore it. The solution is not easy and for some reason I don’t think it involves million dollar investment into games of chance whose expected value are negative (but that’s a whole other post). Oh, and while we’re on the topic, kudos to ESPN’s Travel department for finding inventive ways to describe the neglect.

“Pimlico is nestled in an older, non-touristy neighborhood and the races serve as a stand-alone event for visitors, who come and go while enjoying other sections of the city.”

“Pimlico is not built for sightseeing and mingling.”

“You'll find a fair amount of on-site parking at Pimlico, but it's truly best to avoid the congestion with a light rail trip/shuttle bus ride or metro subway/shuttle bus ride.” (read: don’t stay anywhere near here)

“Many Preakness-goers stay 6 miles south of Pimlico in the downtown Inner Harbor hotels.” (staying near Pimlico is like mooning God)

"Located 15 miles north of Pimlico, Hunt Valley offers several hotels out of the hustle-and-bustle of downtown." (sure it’s halfway to Pennsylvania and offers little to do, but it’s a not a terrible option for those that would like to live to see Monday.)

"Hotels on nearby Reisterstown Road also are an option." (Reisterstown Road: a slightly safer ghetto)

The rest of the article lists the nightlife options, other attractions, and restaurants, NONE of which are located anywhere near the track.

Preakness is a spectacle. It has a unique and storied tradition and should be a showcase of Maryland, like the Derby is to Kentucky. But every spring, we miss our chance. And each year, the writing on the wall becomes bigger and bolder. Will I be attending this year? Absolutely. Will I have mixed feelings? No question. What can be done? It’s not an easy answer, but something must be done. We risk losing the race and, more importantly, we risk losing yet another generation of impoverished Baltimore youth.

(PS, gambling is fun.)

Just in case you ever are captured by a supervillian

2008-05-08T15:32:00.003-04:00

If you enjoy brain teasers, here are about 90 that have had me going for almost a week now when I should have been working. Enjoy.

http://www.ouverture-facile.com

P.S. I am on puzzle 31, and it is making me very angry.

In the Kitchen with Oakley

2008-05-07T10:43:00.003-04:00

Jeff just emailed this to me. It needs to be shared with the world.

Fucking hilarious.

Yinka Dare, Four Years On

2008-05-06T14:27:00.004-04:00

The other day, Ryan and I were emailing, and discussion turned to Yinka Dare, as it often does. I forget the context. It doesn't matter, really. We email about Yinka so frequently – along with Boubacar, and DeSagana, and Jahidi – that the references all tend to run together. Anyway, midway through one of his emails, Ryan admitted that he'd forgotten that Yinka had died. After a few minutes spent questioning Ryan's commitment to ludicrously athletic yet terribly uncoordinated African centers, it struck me: Yinka Dare has been dead for over four years now. The world has largely forgotten about him. Sure other terrible and awkward players have tried to take his place in the Terrible and Awkward African Center Pantheon, but for me no one was quite like Yinka.

Sort of like the Kennedy assassination to our parents I remember exactly where I was when it happened. My buddy Jon and I were at some lame house party in Georgetown scrolling ESPN’s bottomline for fantasy baseball updates when the death of Yinka Dare flashes by. To have his death announced on ESPN’s bottomline was a cruel, cruel irony for a man who never once had made the bottomline before.

Yinka Dare was 7-foot-1, 270 pound Nigerian with no semblance of basketball ability. This did not stop Big Yink from comparing his game to Hakeem and Shaq. He called himself “an ideal center.” He said he’d be “better than some of the best big men who ever played.” He made these statements not as a precocious rookie but a couple years into a remarkably dismal playing career.

You see Yinka Dare wasn’t just bad, he was astonishingly bad.

During his first year he played in one game for three minutes, had one turnover, committed two fouls, and missed his only shot – an airball of course. He promptly tore his ACL and missed the remainder of the season, thereby earning over $300,000 per minute.

The next season, Dare’s “best”, he racked up 626 minutes of play in 58 games. Per game he averaged 2.8 points, 3.1 boards, 2.0 fouls, and 0.0 assists. Or more accurately: 0.000000 assists. As in none. In 58 games, in 626 minutes Dare had 72 turnovers, but not once did he pass to someone who hit their shot. Not even once.

Midway through his third season, in his 77th game, and after 770 minutes of NBA playing time this Ripken-esque streak came to an end. Sadly there is no youtube clip to commemorate the occasion, but it is said that Yink was ecstatic, whooping it up, and overjoyed. It’s unclear if this exuberance led him to declare that he’d be one of the best of all-time, but it surely must’ve contributed. After all, assists don’t grow on trees, I suppose.

Dare played in just 10 games the next season before being cut. He bounced around the CBA and USBL until 2003 before retiring.

In 2004 Yinka collapsed and died in his home in New Jersey. A medical examiner determined that Dare had a heart attack due to an arrhythmia condition discovered when he was in college. All accounts were that Yinka was a kind, gentle person, a respectful and good kid.

I’ll always remember Yinka Dare fondly. The man played 1,002 minutes in the NBA and had just four career assists. His ever-present smile, delusions of grandeur, and basketball ineptitude made him a hard guy not to like. It’s been ten years since Yinka last played in the NBA, and I’m not sure we’ll ever see another player so bad and yet so likeable again.

CJAU

2008-05-05T17:11:00.001-04:00

I'm not sure how you pronounce this fellow's name, but I sure hope it's simply read as 4 letters of the alphabet.

http://buffalobills.com/blog/index.jsp?post_id=3433

RAMS ADD FORMER BILLS DRAFT PICK: The St. Louis Rams have added Bills 2007 seventh-round pick C.J. Ah You to their roster.

All things sports, and hockey too

2008-04-29T09:38:00.002-04:00

The Caps playoff run was incredible, that being said, this video is pretty damn funny...

NHL Star Called Up To Big Leagues To Play For NFL Team

Federal Government takes Pro-Vampire Stance

2008-04-25T17:05:00.005-04:00

Blade is going to prison.

Blade and the weapon he uses to tear up 1040s

This news makes me so angry. I cannot stand when the government makes an example out of someone, and if you read the prosecutor's sentencing argument that is exactly what is going on here. This is not justice. The man was convicted of 3 misdemeanors for willfully failing to file 3 tax returns. 3 years in prison is completely excessive.

I hope that this has the opposite effect and makes a martyr out of Wesley Snipes. Ideally, this would draw further attention to the insanity of our justice system and our tax system. Ultimately, I wish they had taken back taxes and a fine and left it at that.

That said, our nation is now going to be completely defenseless against the vampire menace for the next 3 years. That's more than enough time for the Kate Beckinsale-led monsters to turn us all into cattle. I have no confidence in a Josh Hartnett and Hugh Jackman led resistance. We're all doomed.

Our last line of defense against the bloodsucking menace. Confidence inspiring, no?

2008 NFL Draft Preview

2008-04-25T16:05:00.005-04:00

If the sundresses are out and the Orioles have yet to be mathematically eliminated then it must be April and NFL draft season!!!

My take on this year’s draft class is that it’s well below average at the top, but somewhat underrated thereafter. While most skill positions appear to be a crapshoot, there looks to be some real value late in round one and throughout round two. Some teams are going to “guess” right and walk away with great players, late. As you’ll see I think the QB and Tackle positions offers some incredible upside with less than typical risk.

Amazingly, the top picks are inhabited by a new flock of teams. St. Louis picks in the top five for the first time since Walt Pace, Atlanta since the dude that killed dogs but not people and was therefore incarcerated (oh, so NOT Leonard Little), and the Chiefs for the first time since botching the Ryan Sims pick (Thomas’s boy). Per the NBA Super Draft, I’ll be gratuitously adding fake nicknames throughout.

Top Offensive Players

1) Surely Long Jake Long – yup, one player in and I’ve already made a dong joke. Let me get this out there: it’s uncomfortable how much I like Jake Long. His fake offensive line stats: he allowed two sacks his entire Michigan CAREER (one this season to Vernon Gholston), he committed two penalties in his Michigan CAREER (43 games- one false start, one hold). Jake Long is Joe Thomas Part Two, Look who’s Joe Thomas too. The general plotline goes: fan base clamoring for a sexy offensive skill player, team does the smart thing and takes bookend tackle, previously unheralded QB all the sudden starts to play pretty durn good, the running game improves immensely, and the team improves 4 to 6 games. Great left tackles are never on horrible teams. If you’re gonna pay an unknown a kagillion dollars why not pick a player who starts from day one and makes every other offensive player on your team more valuable? I’m not happy the Dolphins took the fun out of the speculation, but it’s tough to fault them.

2) (Tie) Darren Xzibit McFadden/ Jonathan Kordell’s Cousin Stewart (no, seriously) - Let’s gets this straight Xzibit is Not Adrian Peterson. Yes he’s better in space than Rocky’s wife, but he doesn’t get those hidden yards. You know, those yards when the back gets hit at the line but somehow it’s second and six or seven? Here’s the thing, I’m sold on McFadden as a good back, but I am most certainly not sold on him as a game changing superstar. To draft a back this high he needs to be special, like once or twice in a generation special. Looking back ten or so years, the only backs picked in the top 10 that fit that description are Tomlinson, Peterson, and Curtis Enis. Just fooling, Tomlinson ain’t all that. As for Kordell’s Cousin I honestly think he’s nearly as good of a back and possibly more complete in terms of his catching ability than McFadden—provided he doesn't get caught crying on the sidelines or end up with crazy shit growing on his face like his cuzzin'. I also think he represents a lot more value in the late teens or early twenties versus D-Mac’s $20M+ guaranteed. Unless the guy is a surefire super, duper star, don’t take a back in the Top 5, and even if he is a can’t miss, still don’t take him.

Speaking of not losing yards… what’s with this thingy???

3) Brian Brohm-icide- Reason 6 million I’ll never get the draft? Brohm was supposed to be a top 10 pick last year. He decides to come back and in doing so he answers questions about his durability. He throws for 30 TDs, completes 65% of his passes (which is his four year average) and throws for 4,000 yards. So now he’s a second rounder? Whaaaa? I think Brohm is a top shelf NFL starter, who could be Carson Palmer good. Teams like the Dolphins, Falcons, or Chiefs should all be looking Brohm’s way at the top of round 2, but it wouldn’t surprise me to see another team trade into the bottom of round 1 to get him. Dude is gonna be good, like Qdoba good.

4) Jeff Sub Shack Otah- To me Otah is the only other obvious bookend, probably at right tackle. The kid is raw, but just massive, like Good Burger fat. You don’t play with Jeff Otah, you play among him. Plus he’s one of these born in Africa didn’t play till he was a senior year type of guys. I’m always partial to those guys. There are too many successes to ignore. Plus, worst case scenario you fucked up the pick but drafted a 350 pound Nigerian.

5) (Tie) John David Booty Call (too obvious? John David Black Tail? JD Treasure?) and Sam Baker. I once read an article by Malcolm Gladwell about how he would draft if he knew very little about sports (this was in reference to the NBA). Essentially he said he’d pick the best players on the elite teams. He then went through a hypothetical draft over the last several years and showed how he could assemble a fantastic team by just picking in the middle of the first round from college basketball’s elite programs. Now this may seem obvious, but look at the projected top picks: there are players like McFadden whose team had 5 losses and other players like Otah or Chris Williams from Vandy who missed a bowl game altogether. This is a long-winded way of saying: pick the quarterback and left tackle from USC. They’ve been a borderline dynasty for going on five years now and it doesn’t take a genius to realize that their QB and the man that’s protecting said QB have to be pretty good. Baker and JDB have been tested in pressure situations, have been practicing with NFL-caliber teammates, and have run an NFL-style offense for four years. This is an extremely bold call, but John David Booty could be a poor man’s Tom Brady (by that I mean a pro-bowl QB). And Sam Baker has started since he was a freshman, first protecting Leinart then Booty. I’ve seen Baker projected in the second round and Booty in the third and wonder if the last several years of USC dominance meant nothing? I love these two guys and think they’ll make outstanding pros.

Top Defensive Players

1) Glenn “The Astronaut” Dorsey- Glenn Dorsey just sounds like an old white engineer at NASA to me. Either that or some lame-ass jazz musician who played the cornet and got laughed at because he declined the invitation to shoot heroin with Charlie Parker. The Astronaut was the best player on the best defense in the country. It’s funny because I loved him last year and wanted the Skins to take him at six but playing all year with that injury scares me a bit. That being said, he’s probably the most talented player in the draft and is the type of guy who will hide a defense’s shortcomings.

2) Chris Firestorm Long- Chris Long has A.D.D., hypertension, and probably lupus. I’ve seen most of his games, including several in person, and this is the only explanation for how insane he is on the field. The best pro comparison I can come up with is fellow Wahoo and current Seahawk Pat Kearney, only Kearney’s best game is Firestorm’s every game. I’m not sure he’ll have sack totals equal to a player like Gholston or even Derrick Harvey, but his impact on every aspect of the game will be noticeable. Watching Chris Long in person will his defense and even his offense to win this year at Maryland was one of the most memorable things I’ve ever witnessed on a football field. With a gun to my head I’d probably even take him before Dorsey.

3) Sedrick The Bus-Drivin’ Murderer Ellis- so every year a player emerges who is thought to be a first/second round fringe player goes to the Senior Bowl and dominates. Last year it was Dwayne Bowe, which worked out OK, and this year it was Sed. The dude was unblockable. I love Ellis and think he’s gonna be uber productive. The main concern is that he’s undersized at 6’1” but his motor erases those concerns. Unless we're talking about the motor of the bus he drives when he murders people.

4) Dan Spoony Love Connor- Before getting hurt Connor’s teammate Paul Posluszny was off to a great NFL start. Here’s the thing: Connor was the better of the two and the most deceptively athletic player I’ve ever seen. Dan Connor could be Zach Thomas good and I wouldn’t be surprised in the least. Linebackers tend to be lower risk picks and Connor is going to anchor the middle for a lot of years for whoever picks him.

5) Vernon Appendages Gholston- Black Mamula? Or a dominant edge pass rusher? The Good: He had 14 sacks this year, including 4 in a game. The Bad: He had just 25 solo tackles. The Good: ridiculously athletic. The Bad: can disappear from games. I think Gholston’s career will be a series of contradictions. Essentially he’s Ryan Howard. 50 home runs and 200 strikeouts. Gholston will have just monster games, and then just shit the bed in others. That being said, dude is enormous and named Vernon so he can’t be that bad.

Other Notables:

Matt Ryan- I actually like Matt Ryan. He’d be the next one on the offensive list above, but I have no clue how he became a top 10 pick? He does certain things better than Booty or Brohm, and certainly things not as well. I think he’ll be an NFL starter, but is he a sure thing? Hardly. His combination of intelligence, leadership, and size make him an intriguing pick, but I don’t see him as that much better than the other top QBs. Ryan could, and to be honest, should be the best of this bunch, but I’d rather take a player like Chris Long and get Brohm or Henne in Round 2 than reach on Ryan.

Chad Old Speckled Henne- four year starter at Michigan, won a lot of games, but unlike that other Michigan QB, he didn’t win the big one (0 for 4 versus Mo Clarett’s alum). That being said, I think Henne belongs with the Ryan, Brohm, Booty crowd as a future NFL starter. He has some physical limitations that the others don’t have, but he’s run Michigan’s offense for four years and I think he’ll be a quick learn in the NFL. Again, Michigan alum, future starter, not Tom Brady, but maybe Jim Harbaugh.

Branden Morbidly Obese Albert- As detailed last year with Ben Grubbs, I’m a huge fan of taking the best guard, but not if you expect him to play tackle. Albert played two games at tackle and apparently that’s gonna make him a ton of money. I read an article that Albert is blown away by this first round talk and really thought he’d be a third or fourth rounder. Should this concern teams? Yo dog, I appreciate it or whatever, but I’m really not all that. As my buddy Thomas points out: if he’s good enough to be a left tackle in the NFL then why wasn’t he a left tackle at UVa? Picking Albert as the first guard in the 20s: Yes! Picking him in the top 10 at a position he’s never played: Um.

Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie-Deion-Darrell Green-Rod Woodson-Ripken-Jr. All I know is DRC had a great Senior Bowl and at some point added Cromartie to his last name to highlight the fact that he and Antonio are cousins. I love this concept. I wonder if Obama will campaign as Barack Obama-Cheney to win the key angry, white, get the hell off my lawn vote?

Aqib Talib- will be a Mike Rumph Roast type bust playing for the Quad City Spungoes in three years or will be an Asante Samuel type ball-hawking corner. There’s literally no in-between. I suppose if football doesn’t work out he can always go back to The Roots Crew.

James Hardy- The wideouts this year scare the hell out of me and I wouldn’t touch any until late round one. The nearly 6’6” Hardy would be the first one I’d take. After watching him abuse Justin King this year, I was sold. I’m not sure he’s a true number 1, but I see flashes of Plaxico in this kid, right down to the character concerns.

Joe Flacco- So let me get this straight, I’m supposed to use a late first rounder on a kid that couldn’t win the starter job at Pitt and had to transfer to Maryland’s Canada to play? He’s no Rich Gannon, especially when Henne, Booty, and Brohm are in the same range. Doesn’t “Joe Flacco” just sound like a bust? Mark my words: in three years, you'll find him permanently glued to a bar stool in Dewey Beach with Gino Carmazzi, hitting on a couple of leathery skanks who still remember him from his days as a Blue Hen.

Antoine Sausage Cason- very underrated corner. I think he belongs with the first round crop, especially with his special team ability.

Devin Thomas- Just one year of major college football mean that as a top 15 pick he scares the shit out of me. Plus Devin Thomas sounds like a below average NBA 12th man.

Derrick Harvey- love this kid like I loved Jarvis Moss last year. I think he’ll be a pro-bowler.

Rashard Kids in the Mendenhall- I can't in good conscience endorse a Big Ten runningback… but once again, I love this kid. He’s slippery and put up FU numbers all year including against a great SC team that was keying on him during the Rose Bowl.

Frank Okam- An underrated great sleeper. Like he literally goes into a state of inactivity and metabolic depression every winter. I hope the Skins grab him late.

OK, this is taking forever, lightening round:

Ryan Clady- pro: baby fat, con: baby strength. Bust.

Brandon Flowers - Underrated, should be a good pro.

Leodis McKelvin from Troy- Sylvester Morris on line one.

UTEP's Oniel Cousins? Naa, close friends.

Phil Merling- not a real person, no one, I mean NO ONE, had heard of him before the draft process started.

Limas Sweed- belongs in last year's all-name draft. Great upside, love him as a second rounder. Poor Man's Roy Williams. Dude's named Limas.

Fred Davis- Decent actual tight end, underrated fantasy tight end.

Mario Enron Manningham- costing himself more money than Gilbert Arenas.

Pat Sims- big man, big fan.

Xavier Adibi- sounds like someone I'd like.

Erin Henderson- when healthy he or she is fantastic.

Chris Johnson- Trung Candidate, but awesome to watch:

Anyway, that's all for 2008. Sorry for the belatedness. As always, in Kiper we trust...

Completely Objective Post About Dudes in their Underwear

2008-04-23T11:17:00.003-04:00

Will be appearing shortly.

Till then, admire Vernon, and mutter Workout Warrior in your best Mel Kiper (Werkowt Werrier)

Blame Canada?

2008-04-07T16:37:00.006-04:00

While I realize that blog seems to have a decided NFL, MLB, and (thanks to Jeff's American Idol blog) effeminate vibe. I wanted to keep everyone apprised on one of the most entertaining/under-rated times of the year. The NHL playoffs are here, and I think its time we look past the rambling, nonsensical Canadian announcers, the mullets, and perhaps grow a playoff beard or board someone into a cubical. Still I know most of you, and America, won't...and the pertinent question is why? The sport is fast, skilled, and encourages fighting. It takes the better parts of football and soccer and combines them. While a lot of it might be that none of us ever play hockey (while we do play football, baseball, and basketball), I believe the league and the sport made some bad decisions. Here are my reasons why the NHL is under-viewed:

1) The NHL lockout, which resulted in an entire season being canceled, was a painful blow to a suffering league. The sport was already in trouble, with ESPN looking for a reason to get out of its coverage, and the NBA available to replace the NHL. Further, unlike baseball or football, the NHL did not have the same place in American culture. Think about how long it took the MLB to recover from their lockout (some would argue that its still recovering somewhat). Baseball had a storied place in the American psyche. People have fond memories of going to games with their Dad's, and dream of taking their kids to the games in the future...and it still took years to recover. The NHL was Canada's sport, that happened to be played in the US. What chance did it stand to recover?

2) The NHL got too big for its britches (I have been waiting to use those words in a sentence for years). Expansion into markets where people would prefer to watch cars drive around in circles, has condemned transcendent talent like Alex Ovechkin, and Ilya Kovlachuck to relative obscurity. Consider: Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, Alex Ovechkin, and Rick Nash (WATCH THIS ONE, GOAL OF THE YEAR) represent one of the finest crop of young players in the history of sport (any sport). Ovie v. Crosby could (should be) Magic v. Bird...but only one city really cares...and Pittsburgh and Washington are not exactly LA and Boston. Put in other terms, the NHL currently has 3 Lebron James's (Crosby, Ovechkin, and Malkin), yet is being shown on Versus, leading into men who may or may not live in trailers fighting each other in steel cages. Which is a nice lead in to my next point...

3) The NHL is currently being shown once weekly on NBC, and a few times a week on Versus. We are all graced with a chance to see Ovie on Comcast, but in other parts of the nation, the best you get is maybe a minute clip at the end of a ESPNews Hour. How the mighty have fallen. Once upon a time you could watch all the games on ESPN, and Fox would broadcast the playoffs and Stanley Cup. Now, Versus shows a couple of the playoff games, and if you want to watch others you are relegated to listening on XM radio.

4) NHL fans and announcers are just too goofy, and coverage of sport lacks the seriousness and levity of MLB and NFL coverage. I blame this on the fact that 90% of the announcers are Canadians. Has anyone ever seen Strange Brew...Canadians aren't meant to be serious.

So that's it...and I know that none of you will listen, but if you get a chance check out a playoff game. I think you will like what you see.

You Get the Ankles and I'll Get the Wrists...

2008-04-02T22:26:00.002-04:00

It's come down to this. Tristan H. Cockcroft is openly mocking the Baltimore Orioles. It's a sad, sad day for Orioles fans when even the fantasy writers are beating up on this once-proud franchise. I can take this kind of abuse from, say, Joe Sheehan, but Cockcroft??? C'mon, buddy. C'monnnnn, buddy. I'll occasionally take your fantasy advice, Tristan, but don't you pick on my Orioles. Seriously, stay the hell away from my Birds. I know they'll suck this year. I know BP projected them to win 57 games, and the aforementioned Mr. Sheehan wrote that they're the "worst team in the league." And, in the same article, he wrote, "Other than the Orioles... there are no really bad teams in the AL." And he wrote, "I would rather give up bacon for the rest of my life than watch even an inning of Oriole baseball this year." OK, I made that last one up, but you probably believed it for a second, right? You get the idea: Orioles = Terrible.

Nevertheless, catching flak from a fantasy writer--a guy who lives in a 5x5 world where team wins and losses mean next to nothing--is a new low. It's the equivalent of Pat Sajak berating a 'Wheel of Fortune' contestant for mispronouncing a word. Or Laura Bush ripping on Colin Powell for lying to the UN Security Council. What's next? A 10,000 word manifesto from the ghost of H.L. Mencken illustrating everything wrong with the Oriole franchise? A 'Fantasy Sleepers' article written by Peter Angelos? (This Kershaw slumbers. I shall waketh him). Yeesh.

Daft Draft Reply

2008-03-26T17:19:00.010-04:00

Jay and I both so enjoyed reading Ryan and Jeff's draft breakdown we drafted a response. I am a bit of an addict, so I tend to be less sensitive than I should be to complaints of overlong posts. Deal with the length or don't read it (that's what she said?). You can always skip down to the questionable masculinity in Jeff's post about American Idol below.

This is basically a round by round breakdown, in response to Jeff and Ryan's post. I provide my notes on the round first, then a breakdown of my pick. Jay then replies with some general comments on his pick and on the round in general.

Round 1

1 Jose Reyes - Ebner
2 David Wright - Wilson
3 Alex Rodriguez - Jay
4 Matt Holliday - Bri
5 Hanley Ramirez - Ryan
6 Chase Utley - Evan
7 Miguel Cabrera - Jeff
8 Jimmy Rollins - Jon
9 Prince Fielder - Paul
10 Ryan Howard – Emery

Notes: I like Hanley even better than Wright, if healthy. The shoulder surgery scares me and I don’t consider it less of a risk than Pujols’ elbow, which got so much more press. Let’s examine some quotes from Baseball Prospectus injury expert Will Carroll:

“Another shoulder surgery survivor, Ramirez is in much the same situation as Vernon Wells . . . Ramirez, on the other hand, is coming off shoulder surgery, something that figures to depress his power, at least in the first part of the season. While he should come back to a high level, the same can't be said for the cast surrounding him. Added in with the recovering shoulder, Ramirez's prospects for this season aren't quite as high as one would expect based on his talent and past production.”

I couldn't’t expose myself to that risk at the 2^nd overall pick, and I don’t think Wright will be much worse even if Hanley is as good as he’s appeared to be in spring training. Rollins will regress, significantly. Holliday and Fielder are money.

Wilson’s Pick: Alex Rodriguez is awesome. Let’s get that out of the way. He is one of the 5-10 best baseball players of all time. He won 3 of the last 4 MVPs. He accidentally hit a home run on a sacrifice bunt. They stopped running elevated trains in Manhattan because his home run balls kept knocking them off the tracks. His sweat cures cancer, but regrettably baseball is so easy for him he doesn’t sweat. Moreover, he plays the same position as the guy I picked over him, David Wright. Yet, I don’t expect better numbers from him for a number of reasons. I haven’t forgotten 2006 quite yet, and let’s not forget that he’s 32; the decline will happen at some point. The advanced age makes him more likely to decline naturally or succumb to injury. Even when healthy and productive, he strikes out a bit more often than Wright, hits fewer doubles, is less likely to hit triples, and steals fewer bases. In light of our scoring system, PECOTA strongly prefers Wright--I cannot deny my robot. Also, David Wright is just so pretty . . . how can I turn down that face? He’s like the Matt Leinert of baseball, except good.

Jay’s Pick: It’s Alex Rodriguez.

Round 2
11 Johan Santana - Emery
12 Grady Sizemore - Paul
13 Brandon Phillips - Jon
14 Albert Pujols - Jeff
15 Ryan Braun - Evan
16 Carl Crawford - Ryan
17 David Ortiz - Bri
18 Alfonso Soriano - Jay
19 Vladimir Guerrero - Wilson
20 Carlos Lee - Ebner

Notes: Alfonso Soriano has no business going that late. I don’t understand that at all. I wouldn’t have taken Crawford or Phillips or Ortiz or Sizemore over him. I mean, he’s only one year removed from 40-40-40 and hit 30 home runs and stole 20+ bases last year with a bum leg. He’s not usable at 2B anymore, but I cannot understand passing him up for Grady’s infinite strikeouts or Crawford’s limp wristed game. Pujols is a great pick. Huge risk, but go big or go home.

Wilson’s Pick: Vlad is on bum knees, with a bad back, and is old. Why take him when I passed on A-Rod earlier ostensibly on risk? In a league with hits, doubles, strikeouts, average, and OPS as categories, few players are as valuable as a healthy Vladimir Guerrero.

I’m convinced that too often we think of our league as a 5x5 league. The hitting categories are similar and correlate strongly, but some guys change in valuation a great deal. Vlad is a late second round pick in a 5x5 and a late first rounder in this league. This mindset drove the draft robot I built this year, and drives many of my picks in this draft.

Jay’z Pick: I don’t own a draft robot. This will be made apparent in later rounds. But if I did, I think it would have patted me on the back after taking Soriano. Soriano kind of scares me after his down 2007, but if 30+HR’s and 20 SB is down, then I can’t wait to see what up is. I almost took BJ Upton instead, and thought Wilson would take him in three and I’d miss him, but hey…..

Round 3
21 Jake Peavy - Ebner
22 Ichiro Suzuki - Wilson
23 B.J. Upton - Jay
24 Mark Teixeira - Bri
25 Carlos Beltran - Ryan
26 Lance Berkman - Evan
27 Alex Rios - Jeff
28 Curtis Granderson - Jon
29 Erik Bedard - Paul
30 Derek Jeter - Emery

Notes: Whoops on Granderson, he couldn’t hit lefties, and then he broke his finger. Heck of a writer though. I thought he was wildly overrated going into this draft so I was happy to see him go 3^rd round. I agree with Ryan on his assessment of Beltran. Very risky. Rios is a high upside pick, but not one I would have made. My favorite pick of the round is Teixeira, who has very little downside and absurd upside. Why was he going earlier in drafts last year coming off of a worse year in the tougher league?

Wilson’s Pick: Never had Ichiro. PECOTA hates him, but my robot loves hits and average and steals and triples and all the other silly things he does. So I took him, and I’m very happy to have him. Between him and Vladimir, I’m going to have fun watching my team’s at bats this year.

Jay’s Pick: Nice pick Wilson, way to defy PECOTA. I went ahead and took Upton, because, hey, it’s round 3. I love Teixera too, go Bri. Beltran and Granderson? No thanks. Jeter? At 30?

Round 4
31 Magglio Ordonez - Emery
32 Nick Markakis - Paul
33 Justin Morneau - Jon
34 Troy Tulowitzki - Jeff
35 Manny Ramirez - Evan
36 Travis Hafner - Ryan
37 Aramis Ramirez - Bri
38 Victor Martinez - Jay
39 Brian Roberts - Wilson
40 Derrek Lee - Ebner

Notes: Tulo is a good pick. He will be strong at shortstop, and Coors is oh-so-good to him. It actually blew my mind that someone reached on Markakis and it wasn’t one of the Baltimore boys. Manny is looking very good right now, but I laughed at the time. Maybe he actually puts it together and is fantastic this year. He’s something else, but once old players start to decline it’s very rare that they bounce back. Derrek Lee is a great player that PECOTA is in love with. I think that was a great pick, but there was one pick my robot liked better . . .

Wilson’s Pick: I obtained Roberts in both of my leagues; PECOTA loves his average and his steals. In this league in particular he is valuable for the reasons outlined above. Power simply isn’t as useful, as it usually comes packaged with strikeouts and the impossibility of getting steals or triples. So my team now has Roberts and Ichiro.

Jay’s Pick: I took Victor Martinez a little early because I like him and he’s good at baseball. I too like the Derek Lee pick, but I don’t really like him, but he is, admittedly, also good at baseball. Whatever, this is where I start to dislike my picks, or at least disagree with them post hoc. Everyone’s going nuts about Tulowitzki, and I don’t get it. I hope for my sake everyone is wrong. I don’t have him anywhere. Either way, I like Ebner’s Rockie better.

Round 5
41 Garrett Atkins - Ebner
42 Chipper Jones - Wilson
43 Cole Hamels - Jay
44 Corey Hart - Bri
45 Hunter Pence - Ryan
46 C.C. Sabathia - Evan
47 Chone Figgins - Jeff
48 Josh Beckett - Jon
49 Brandon Webb - Paul
50 Adam Dunn - Emery

Notes: Corey Hart. Damn your soulful singing eyes. How did everyone else know you would be so awesome? I guess my plan of waiting and then taking him and Chris B. Young with my next two picks was conceived in delusions. I’m somewhat less excited about Hunter Pence. There’s no evidence that he can take a walk, and he was very lucky on balls in play last year. Baseball Prospectus suggests that his post All-Star Break numbers (.293 .348 .464) are more realistic. He’s still got some speed though. Also . . . Adam Dunn probably would have come all the way around. There’s a guy who was the opposite of my philosophy this year. Chone I think has very little downside. You know what you are getting, and I think you are pretty safely getting it.

Wilson’s Pick: My 3 year Chipper Jones streak continues. I felt like his injuries last year were very fluky. It’s not as though they were muscle pulls or oblique tears. He actually broke his thumbs jumping over some fat Pirates 2B. I think he has a good chance to be healthy, and if healthy he’s obviously still one of the best dozen players in the league. My power needs to come from somewhere, I guess. . .

Jay's Pick: Whole Camels? Sure, whatever. For some reason this year I decided to have strong pitching staffs. I wish I didn’t. Hamels is awesome, no doubt, a little injury risk. But I really wish I took Corey Hart. Or Figgo. Or any batter, really. Poo. In a 5X5 Adam Dunn should go here. In this league, that’s going to hurt.

Round 6
51 Justin Verlander - Emery
52 Carlos Guillen - Paul
53 Adrian Gonzalez - Jon
54 Ryan Zimmerman - Jeff
55 Jonathan Papelbon - Evan
56 Howie Kendrick - Ryan
57 Torii Hunter - Bri
58 Carlos Pena - Jay
59 Chris Young (OF) - Wilson
60 Francisco Rodriguez - Ebner

Notes: Zimmerman is a beautiful pick. I kept getting burned trying to wait on guys in this league. Kendrick isn’t a terrible pick, but I think it may be dreaming a bit. He still can’t take a pitch and hasn’t shown any power or speed. I guess the upside is a .320 batting average, but I think it’ll be mostly empty. Should have taken your boy Tejada instead. Torii Hunter is a completely bewildering choice. I guess he won’t be that bad, but this is way too early. I guess you and Bill Stoneman are making the same mistake, so maybe I’m the one who’s crazy.

Wilson’s Pick: Well, I couldn’t get Corey Hart, but Chris Young is going to be quite good. His minor league batting average is .270, and his minor league OBP is .360. He was very unlucky on balls in play last year. He might hit .250 this year, but he’ll take some walks and hit many home runs and steal some bases along the way.

Jay’s Pick: Carlos Pena will hit some HR’s and get some RBI’s and R’s. That’s why I picked him. I like a lot of picks in this round, namely Zimmerman, Gonzalez, and The Country’s Best Young. Kendrick was the reach of all reaches. Did you really think he’d go before round, like, 9?

Round 7
61 Joe Mauer - Ebner
62 Brian McCann - Wilson
63 Miguel Tejada - Jay
64 Robinson Cano - Bri
65 Todd Helton - Ryan
66 Russell Martin - Evan
67 Eric Byrnes - Jeff
68 Vernon Wells - Jon
69 Bobby Abreu - Paul
70 Jorge Posada - Emery

Notes: Todd Helton is an amazing pick here. I was waiting on him, and got burned yet again. All the reasons you lay out are absolutely true. He was at the top of my board for several rounds and I got greedy waiting on him and got burned (again). I like Tejada and Byrnes as well. Although I expect a gigantic regression from Byrnes he’ll still be solid. As for Vernon Wells and Bobby Abreu, I guess they weren’t reaches but you couldn’t pay me to draft either one so I’m always happy when other people do.

Wilson’s Pick: Tim took my guy and I panicked. I should have taken Todd Helton once Mauer was gone, but whatever. McCann will be fine, he’s a better player than he showed last year.

Jay’s Pick: Suck it Bitches, I got Tejada. Ryan, I can’t believe you didn’t take him, especially in place of Kendrick. Every time I read something about Tejada it was about Minute Maid Park being a righty pull hitter’s paradise. Yay. Hit some HR’s you juicin’ son of a bitch! I don’t know where he’s batting, but wherever it is it’ll be surrounded by Pence, El Caballo, and Lance Berkman. He’s going to be great this year. Might even steal a base or three.

Round 8
71 Brad Hawpe - Emery
72 Ian Kinsler - Paul
73 Jeff Francoeur - Jon
74 Aaron Harang - Jeff
75 Dan Haren - Evan
76 Michael Young - Ryan
77 Carlos Zambrano - Bri
78 J.J. Putz - Jay
79 John Smoltz - Wilson
80 Nick Swisher - Ebner

Notes: The love for Hawpe is confusing to me. He’s a decent hitter who plays in Coors, so I guess that’s good. I just see him as really one of a whole bunch of outfielders; Swisher seems like the better pick to me. Zambrano I’m also not a fan of, because walks aren’t a roto category in our league. Michael Young is another of these guys who is very good in our league, and not very good anywhere else.

Wilson's Pick: I decided to take a pitcher, because I’m a dummy, and I took the riskiest one on the board. Still, he’s really quite good if he stays healthy, but I should have just taken Tim Lincecum and been done with it.

Jay’s Pick: Wilson’s just pissed he didn’t get Francouer. I’m sure his robot doesn’t like him for this league, but still. I basically agree with everything Wilson said. That’s probably going to happen a lot. As for me, well, you are what you draft. Once again, the strong staff thing. I honestly don’t know what I was thinking. Saves is like, 4.5% of our categories. Whatever, at least I didn’t take him in round 6. Besides, I’m sure I’ll make up for it next round with some awesome sleeper triples hitting machine.

Round 9
81 Joe Nathan - Ebner
82 Huston Street - Wilson
83 Billy Wagner - Jay
84 Takashi Saito - Bri
85 Tim Lincecum - Ryan
86 Jason Bay - Evan
87 Delmon Young - Jeff
88 Scott Kazmir - Jon
89 Francisco Cordero - Paul
90 Bobby Jenks - Emery

Notes: I tend to believe Baseball Prospectus, who blame Bay’s huge decline last year on recovery from a knee injury. They always say, once you display a skill, you own it, and he’s not quite old enough to show that major a decline. I believe he’ll bounce back and seems like a fine pick there. I also like Delmon Young quite a bit. I would have taken Kazmir myself, but all this talk about his elbow has me scared, and I’m trying to balance the amount of risk my team takes on.

Wilson’s Pick: I got caught up in the run on relievers this year, and took the top reliever on my board (16.20 ERA as of today). Yet, last year I led the league in saves comfortably despite not taking a single reliever until the last few rounds (Joe Borowski!). Still, that’s really such a crap shoot it’s unbelievable. You might be the guy who gets Al Reyes, Kevin Gregg and Hideki Okajima off the wire. But we’re all watching carefully for those guys, even if we spend high picks on relievers anyway, since they are valuable. So unless you think you have Jedi skills, there’s nothing but luck in getting them. As I felt like my offense was dominant thus far in the draft, I’ve decided to try to avoid that particular crap shoot.

Jay’z Pick: Billy Wagner??? Right after Putz? Okay, not terrible. I clearly didn’t need him, but what I was trying to do was continue the run on Closers, and dominate in it with two top tier guys. Saito, Cordero, and Jenks were the only guys that followed. Damn you jerks and your steel wills!!! I wish I’d taken Delmon Young by the way.

Round 10
91 Roy Halladay - Emery
92 Matt Kemp - Paul
93 Mike Lowell - Jon
94 Shane Victorino - Jeff
95 Rafael Furcal - Evan
96 Chris Young (P) - Ryan
97 Fausto Carmona - Bri
98 Felix Hernandez - Jay
99 Jacoby Ellsbury - Wilson
100 Javier Vazquez - Ebner

Notes: Felix is a good upside pick here, and Halladay is also pretty strong at this point in the draft. I’m not a huge fan of Mike Lowell, but I do like Matt Kemp quite a bit. If the Dodgers don’t play him, they are ‘dodging’ good sense! Get it? I’m not as funny as Jeff/Ryan/Jay.

Wilson’s Pick: My machine says to take steals, doubles, hits and runs. So I took the prospect with absolutely no power. I wanted to shoot myself for probably caving into the hype machine of the Red Sox Nation, but I have no choice but to obey my robot master. Jay’s Pick: “How does it feel to get fucked by the King!” Thank you, Peter Gallagher, for my battle cry every time Felix destroys opposing batters, which I’m hoping will be every 5 days or so. Anyway, Lowell, top 100? Nope. This whole round was fine to me, but I’d have held out for Lowell for about, oh, 15 more rounds.

Round 11
101 Daisuke Matsuzaka - Ebner
102 Yovani Gallardo - Wilson
103 James Shields - Jay
104 Francisco Liriano - Bri
105 Roy Oswalt - Ryan
106 Jose Valverde - Evan
107 Adrian Beltre - Jeff
108 Kenji Johjima - Jon
109 Ben Sheets - Paul
110 Placido Polanco - Emery

Notes: Go Ben Sheets! I hope that works out. I like him significantly better than Liriano there. Oswalt will probably be fine, but his strikeout rate decline is actually terrifying. The Astros are going to be historically bad, and I think he’s going to have trouble getting wins. I will never understand taking a mediocre catcher like Johjima before round twenty.

Wilson’s Pick: I didn’t get Lincecum, so I took the other incredibly high upside young pitcher. Gallardo was really good last year. I think he’ll be back soon and be probably a bit worse than he was last year, but still with high K rates and good ratios. Jay’s Pick: 7 Pitchers. I say I got the best one, but I also like Gallardo’s and Sheets’s upside. Valverde will implode. Beltre would be fine, but he’s talking about a lasting injury that will likely sap his power. Agreed on Johjima. I have no idea why people are so high on Polanco.

Round 12
111 Gary Sheffield - Emery
112 Jim Thome - Paul
113 Raul Ibanez - Jon
114 Dustin Pedroia - Jeff
115 Paul Konerko - Evan
116 Alex Gordon - Ryan
117 Kelly Johnson - Bri
118 Jermaine Dye - Jay
119 Joakim Soria - Wilson
120 Hideki Matsui - Ebner

Notes: So much love for Hideki Matsui, this needs to be explained to me.

Jose Guillen last year: .290/.353/.460, with 53 XBH. Those are about in line with his career rates.

Hideki Matsui: .285/.367/.488, with 57 XBH. Also about in line with his career rates

It’s clear from those numbers that Matsui is better than Guillen, who went undrafted. Seriously though, how much better? He’s also 2 years older, being 34 this year. Let’s do another one:

Austin Kearns: .266/.355/.411 with 51 XBH, he’s 28 and is moving from the worst pitchers park in the game.

I could do this all day. How about just the Ryans in this mold now?

Ryan Church: .272/.349/.464 with 59 XBH.

Ryan Garko: .289/.359/.483 with 51 XBH.

Matsui is fine, I guess, I just don’t get the love that was shown in Jeff’s post or in the chat room at the time. My favorite pick of the round is Pedroia, who will be at least as good this year as he was last year, in which case he’s worth this pick, and might be better.

Wilson’s Pick: 4^th best reliever on my board. Baseball Prospectus compares his cut fastball to Mariano Rivera’s. I think he’ll be money, and fits into my strategy of piling on high K relievers.

Jay’s Pick: I’m with Wilson on Matsui. What’s the deal? CN, Cool Nicknames, is not one of the 38 categories we score on. And because of Wilson’s comparison, Jose Guillen is now Mothra. And yeah, Soria is pretty dirty. I like him. I guess I don’t really like the Jermaine Dye pick. Should have taken Andruw, or Loney, or any Dodger really. Remember when Dye hit 44 HR’s? That’d be nice. Oh well.

Round 13
121 Dan Uggla - Ebner
122 James Loney - Wilson
123 Mariano Rivera - Jay
124 Andruw Jones - Bri
125 Rickie Weeks - Ryan
126 Kosuke Fukudome - Evan
127 Chad Cordero - Jeff
128 Rafael Soriano - Jon
129 Evan Longoria - Paul
130 Aaron Heilman - Emery

Notes: Soriano is a great pick. Heilman is a confusing pick. Cordero is a fat pick. Rivera is an old pick. Rickie Weeks is a high upside pick. Uggla is a bad pick.

Wilson’s Pick: I don’t really like James Loney. I feel like he’s overrated based on his second half last year and I don’t really expect him to add power. Once again, however, he piles up hits, which is very important in this league regardless of power, so I added him to the team.

Jay’s Pick: Good summary Wilson. I thought I could wait on Weeks. Jeff is right; too bad about Longoria, but he’ll be up in a couple months, and he could be Ryan Braun-ish. It’s roto, so there’s no reason to drop him.

As for my pick, are you fucking kidding me? Putz, Wagner, and Rivera? I have both NY closers? I don’t even know what the hell I’m doing. The sad thing is, two of these guys will get injured or lose their job, and I won’t even win in Saves. I hate that I drafted these closers. The places/rounds they went is all fine, they just weren’t good picks for my team. Ugh.

Round 14
131 Kevin Youkilis - Emery
132 Matt Capps - Paul
133 Manny Corpas - Jon
134 John Lackey - Jeff
135 Aaron Rowand - Evan
136 Matt Cain - Ryan
137 Trevor Hoffman - Bri
138 Brett Myers - Jay
139 Joba Chamberlain - Wilson
140 Edwin Encarnacion - Ebner

Notes: Cain is better than Hill. That is a good pick. I think the Brett Myers pick is also good, as he seems highly likely to strike out 180 and win 15 games. That is a good value here.

Wilson’s Pick: Joba was my favorite pick, and no one even seemed to notice. He is one of the best holds guys in the game, until the break, when he becomes an awesome starter. That pick makes me very happy.

Jay’s Pick: Aaron Rowand Sucks. Lackey is great here. Stash him on the DL. I too like Myers here, I think a fantastic value. As for Joba, well, he may become a starter, maybe not. And holds guys just aren’t sexy.

Round 15
141 Johnny Damon - Ebner
142 Jeremy Hermida - Wilson
143 Rafael Betancourt - Jay
144 Carlos Marmol - Bri
145 Brad Lidge - Ryan
146 Rich Hill - Evan
147 Josh Hamilton - Jeff
148 Heath Bell - Jon
149 Jonathan Broxton - Paul
150 Josh Fields - Emery

Notes: It’s guys like Josh Hamilton that will make me damn PECOTA to the depths of hell when I lose this year. PECOTA is unable to predict that kind of breakout, so I just ignore it. Josh Hamilton defies description. Let’s look at his line from this spring, which I suppose is meaningless but still awesome:

.460/.500/.780 in 50 at bats; 10 XBH including 2 triples; 1 steal

Gah! When I lose in fantasy it will be because of men like Josh Hamilton; black swans that utterly defy prediction. I like all the high K relievers going here, but last year saw Mike Gonzales, Scott Linebrink, and Akinori Otsuka go in round 15 so I guess we have some expectation on how good these guys will actually end up being. Wilson’s Pick: Jeremy Hermida has a 162 game average of .278/.355/.466 in his MLB career, he’s 24 and getting better and getting healthier. I guess Eric Karabell and I would probably come to blows over this kind of thing but how Hermida goes several rounds after Gary Sheffield and Paul Konerko I don’t know.

Jay’s Pick: I like Hermida and Hamilton, but Hamilton better, so I’d have gone with him. In fact, I regret not taking him. He could be huge. I can’t believe I took Betancourt over Broxton. I always get Broxton. Wait a minute, I still need batters…

Round 16
151 Jon Rauch - Emery
152 Chad Billingsley - Paul
153 Hideki Okajima - Jon
154 Dustin McGowan - Jeff
155 Jason Isringhausen - Evan
156 B.J. Ryan - Ryan
157 Kevin Gregg - Bri
158 Ryan Garko - Jay
159 Eric Gagne - Wilson
160 A.J. Burnett - Ebner

Notes: Unremarkable round to me. I like Billingsley’s upside here and Burnett is a safe and solid pick that could have gone several rounds earlier.

Wilson’s Pick: I am dumb? Is that a fair explanation? Let’s try again. Eric Gagne’s peripherals didn’t change last year when he went to the Red Sox but he was historically unlucky on balls in play. There’s no reason to believe he’s not basically the same pitcher he was in Texas last year, if still a long way removed from the goggled terror of NL west. Yet his spring has me quaking in my boots. At the very least, I probably didn’t need him.

Jay’s Pick: I would have taken Burnett, but as I just mentioned, I needed batters. Ryan Garko is a batter. That’s basically what I was doing there. Picking a guy who was a batter. I hope everyone’s high hopes for Garko come true. Hit 30 HR’s you jerk. I really like the McGowan pick too.

Round 17
161 George Sherrill - Ebner
162 Pat Neshek - Wilson
163 Juan Pierre - Jay
164 John Maine - Bri
165 Geovany Soto - Ryan
166 Carlos Delgado - Evan
167 Orlando Cabrera - Jeff
168 Pedro Martinez - Jon
169 Jeremy Accardo - Paul
170 Tim Hudson – Emery

Notes: Pedro is a good pick, I think he’ll be fine and seems to be healthy enough. I don’t understand Orlando Cabrera, I think he probably could pretty safely reside as a free agent. Delgado has enough upside that I think he was a good pick here. Low upside hitters I think have no business being taken at this point in the draft. Hudson is a good pick in round 17 as well.

Wilson’s Pick: Yeah yeah, just pay no attention to me stocking up on relief arms.

Jay’s Pick: Fuck Juan Pierre. I hope the Dodgers are as dumb as they seem to be.

Round 18
171 Aubrey Huff - Emery
172 Jarrod Saltalamacchia - Paul
173 Oliver Perez - Jon
174 Ian Snell - Jeff
175 Clay Buchholz - Evan
176 Kelvim Escobar - Ryan
177 Yunel Escobar - Bri
178 Willy Taveras - Jay
179 Jeremy Bonderman - Wilson
180 Michael Cuddyer – Ebner

Notes: I think Huff’s got some upside, certainly no worse a pick than Cuddyer (who’s somehow wildly overrated). I love Ian Snell, and I too am worried that you could pull the same trick with Snell you did with Bedard last year. I would have taken Buchholz instead though.

Wilson’s Pick: I think my feelings on Jeremy Bonderman are common knowledge, but I will repeat them for posterity. Good peripherals. Good stuff. Good team.

Jay’s Pick: Huff might have upside, but he wasn’t getting drafted, so no need to here. Salty’s probably back down, but he’ll be back up, and be fine at C. A lot of potential heart breaking pitchers here. Buchholz could be amazing. If Willy Taveras steals more than 30 bases for me, I got what I wanted.

Round 19
181 Joaquin Benoit - Ebner
182 Kerry Wood - Wilson
183 Adam LaRoche - Jay
184 Adam Jones - Bri
185 Justin Upton - Ryan
186 Tony Pena - Evan
187 Troy Percival - Jeff
188 Adam Wainwright - Jon
189 Brian Wilson - Paul
190 Brandon Lyon - Emery

Notes: Adam Jones and Justin Upton are good picks here. I think both of them will probably under-perform their PECOTA forecasts, but I think they’ll both be solid nevertheless. LaRoche is good but brings a heavy burden with 131Ks. He needs to rake to be worth it, but I think he will.

Wilson’s Pick: I continue to accumulate high K relievers, and apparently, extremely high risk relievers. I think I am dumb. This and the Gagne pick, when I look back next year it’s going to be a ‘what was I thinking’ pick.

Jay’s Pick: Yeah, I have Laroche and Garko. If one of them breaks out I’ll be happy. LaRoche is also a batter. Joaquin Benoit was the odd pick here I thought. Well, that and the same guy who has Gagne taking Wood. This was a dull round except for Jones and Upton, which are fine, but I don’t think either will kick ass this year. Could be wrong. Fine upside.

Round 20
191 Ken Griffey Jr. - Emery
192 Phil Hughes - Paul
193 Bob Howry - Jon
194 Ivan Rodriguez - Jeff
195 Brad Penny - Evan
196 Ted Lilly - Ryan
197 Rich Harden - Bri
198 Scot Shields - Jay
199 Lastings Milledge - Wilson
200 C.J. Wilson - Ebner

Notes: Rich Harden does indeed look quite brilliant today after he threw 6 IP and 9 Ks. I also think Brad Penny is underrated (I realize that it’s hard to compute those words in that order). Scot Shields is overrated at this point in his career, but since Jay now has two shields on his team that’s a +2 to armor class.

Wilson’s Pick: Milledge has no competition for his position and a bucketful of upside. Watch him go 20/20.

Jay’s Pick: Yeah Junior. Milledge is a good pick. I was looking at Harden as well. That could be really really awesome. I have no idea why Ryan thinks Ted Lilly is his best pick in the draft. It’s Ted Lilly. He’s pretty good. About a 20^th rounder I’d say. Now, Scot Shields on the other hand…Yeah, I wanted holds and I remembered his name. It will likely prove a mistake.

Round 21
201 Billy Butler - Ebner
202 Nick Johnson - Wilson
203 Frank Thomas - Jay
204 Edgar Renteria - Bri
205 Kevin Kouzmanoff - Ryan
206 J.J. Hardy - Evan
207 Joe Blanton - Jeff
208 Jeff Kent - Jon
209 Akinori Iwamura - Paul
210 Pat Burrell - Emery

Notes: Oh Billy Butler, why do I have such problems obtaining you in leagues? Next year, I suppose, though I will probably have to draft you in the 3^rd round. Jeff Kent going at pick 208, immediately before the incredibly inferior Akinori Iwamura is rather mindblowing. Jeff Kent may be old, but he’s still an asshole. Also, he can still hit a baseball rather well. Emery continues to punt Ks, which shows real guts.

Also, if Joe Blanton has a Dan Haren year, I swear to god I will uninstall excel, burn my statistics textbooks, and consult an African witch doctor on any future analytical problem.

Wilson’s Pick: Nick Johnson is a very good baseball player. He broke his leg in a rather gruesome fashion, but it’s going to be rust more than injury which slows him down. Still his career OPS+ is 125, and he’s only 29.

Jay’s Pick: Frank Thomas is an old guy with a pretty good OPS that hits HR’s and RBI’s. Karabell would be proud. Yeah, Kent is a good pick. Wilson, didn’t you try to trade me Iwamura for BJ Upton early last year??? Blanton will not break out. He will be pretty good. Billy Butler will turn out to be one of the best steals of this draft.

Round 22
211 Dontrelle Willis - Emery
212 Brian Fuentes - Paul
213 Gary Matthews Jr. - Jon
214 Derrick Turnbow - Jeff
215 Derek Lowe - Evan
216 Kazuo Fukumori - Ryan
217 Colby Rasmus - Bri
218 Hank Blalock - Jay
219 Jered Weaver - Wilson
220 Randy Johnson - Ebner

Notes: Agreed, boring round. I like Randy Johnson and I’m kind of angry I didn’t take him, but Weaver is the safer pick. Matthews Jr. belongs on the free agent wire. Blalock could bounce back, I suppose.

Wilson’s Pick: See above.

Jay’s Pick: I like the Fuentes pick a lot, and the Randy Johnson. Hank Blalock could turn it around, Wilson supposes, or I could drop him after week one. I really don’t care. I just kind of moved the mouse and clicked on a guy at random on this one.

Round 23
221 Conor Jackson - Ebner
222 Jay Bruce - Wilson
223 Joey Votto - Jay
224 Andy Pettitte - Bri
225 Randy Winn - Ryan
226 J.D. Drew - Evan
227 Josh Willingham - Jeff
228 Ryan Spilborghs - Jon
229 Zack Greinke - Paul
230 Elijah Dukes – Emery

Notes: Greinke sat around for far too long. He’s going to be very good. Everyone else in this round will be a free agent at some point this season.

Wilson’s Pick: Why pick a 21 year old hitter who was certainly going to triple A to start the year here? I don’t know. Hoping to randomly get lucky here, I might end up dropping him by May so keep your eyes open!

Jay’s Pick: Fuck Dusty Baker. At the time I thought Votto would probably play. Can’t believe I didn’t take Greinke. Hell, even Dukes.

Round 24
231 Joel Zumaya - Emery
232 Austin Kearns - Paul
233 Dmitri Young - Jon
234 Joe Borowski - Jeff
235 Chien Ming Wang - Evan
236 Mark Teahen - Ryan
237 Russ Springer - Bri
238 Rick Ankiel - Jay
239 Tom Gorzelanny - Wilson
240 Manny Delcarmen - Ebner

Notes: Ankiel is a very good pick here. I agree with exactly what was written on this below. Wang is the only other guy here I believe will remain owned the whole year. Teahen has some upside, I suppose, but guys like Kearns and Young should just be on the wire.

Wilson’s Pick: Already dropped this bozo, if you want him.

Jay’s Pick: Yeah, Ankiel was sweet. Better than Blalock, of course. I think Kearns and Teahen are about the same here. The real winner in this round is Wilson, drafting a perfectly acceptable excuse to use the word Bozo. Well done Wilson.

Tom Gorzelanny (SP, Pittsburgh Pirates)

Round 25
241 Matt Lindstrom - Ebner
242 Stephen Drew - Wilson
243 Ryan Theriot - Jay
244 Bengie Molina - Bri
245 Felipe Lopez - Ryan
246 Henry Owens - Evan
247 Todd Jones - Jeff
248 Jeremy Guthrie - Jon
249 Aaron Hill - Paul
250 Ryan Freel – Emery

Notes: Aaron Hill was a good pick, not sure why I passed on him. Todd Jones will probably get some saves before finally losing the job.

Wilson’s Pick: Finally, I picked my starting shortstop from the highest upside guy available in the last round. Go me.

Jay’s Pick: I picked a guy that will probably steal bases…for waivers, in like 3 weeks.

Falling for Idol

2008-03-26T16:50:00.008-04:00

This is the first in what may or may not be a weekly recap of American Idol. Now I recognize that I’m blurring the line of dude-acceptability here, but a wiser man than me once said that “watching American Idol with your spouse is a requirement of cohabitation”. That being said, I’m now fully immersed in my second straight season of Idol and all legitimate excuses have gone the way of the dinosaurs.

If you’ve tuned in before and been bored out of your mind know that this season is different. The most important change is that contestants can use instruments, so it’s not purely a singing competition. The other key difference is that there are some genuinely rockin’ dudes and at least one solid female, all of who are legitimately talented, and not in the teeny-bopper sense. Believe me, I was once like you: scared, skeptical, and a little hungry, but I have been converted. Look, I’m not saying it’s the best show on TV, but it’s not the worst either. What I’m saying: American Idol is TIVO-worthy.

To recap the season to date. There have been two “scandals” this season. One was the revelation that one dude was previously an “entertainer”, like, in the biblical sense. Biblical as in the part about Sodom. You remember Sodom? The sinful city? The one where the Lord made fire rain? Well this dude danced on other dudes laps for Andrew Jacksons. The other disclosure was that contestant Carly Smithson previously had a record deal. To some this took away from Idol’s “authenticity”, to me it really didn’t matter. Record deal or not she’s really not that good. I say fair play to the cover band singer that duped some record execs into a large contract.

[Let me use this space to complain about the only egregious error by the judges so far: the omission of Josiah from the top 24. This Keane- and Travis-clone has bounced back signing a record deal with Warner Brothers. This pretty much proves the judges were misguided. I genuinely liked his music and it looks like he’ll get an opportunity regardless.]

The theme for last night’s show was music from the year you were born. If you ever want to feel really old realize that a bunch of these contestants were born in 1987 and one in 1990. 19 f'n 90? Wasn’t that like eight years ago? But not to worry, despite the plethora of good songs to come out in 1987 (you basically have six from Joshua Tree alone) none were chosen and the older contestants (born in 1983 or earlier) pretty much dominated.

Ramiele Malubay- the only thing you really need to know about this girl is that she sobs hysterically when someone gets eliminated. When I say hysterically I mean you would’ve thought her mom killed her dad on a houseboat and her dog drowned while trying to swim to safety carrying the last Klondike bars on earth. This coupled with the annoying reality that she cannot sing, perform, or otherwise hold your attention longer than 10 seconds, unless sobbing hysterically, means she’ll be gone in the next three or four weeks. She sung a Heart song that I never heard before, also known as every song by Heart. Result? Fast Forward TIVO.

Jason Castro- he’s the one with the dreads (read: frequently logs on to chron.com). Last night was his birthday, like Ramiele he’s an ’87, and he was borderline comatose. It was obvious to everyone that Castro was "celebrating" with the band backstage (cough). He sang a Sting (verb, present tense) song I never heard before. Besides his dreamy eyes, I’m really not sure what this kid offers that any decent singer in a bar on a Saturday night doesn’t? He seems like a likeable dude (yes, Cuban B), but in no way an incredible music talent. Result? Listen, yawn, agree with the judges (not Paula… never Paula).

Syesha Mercado- competing for the most forgetful performer with Ramiele, but Ramiele cries, like, a ton. Not much to say about her. She’s almost always a fast forward. A 1987 as well, she sung “If I Were Your Woman” by, um, who cares. Syesha could strip naked mid-song and re-clothe by the end and I’d have no idea. Result? Check remote batteries, then fast forward for awhile.

Chikezie Eze- I know what you’re thinking: dude’s name Chikezie, Jeff’s gonna love him? Well you’re exactly right. Look, he’s really not that good, but I’m convinced his Dad is Desmond Tutu and he does some really cool arrangements with the songs. Check out this bluegrassed version of the Beatles She’s a Woman. Rockin’ right? Anyway, last night this 1985 birthday sung "If Only for One Night". Let’s just say there was no bluegrass, no yelling, no funk, and only one shot of his Nobel-winning father. I hope the dude makes it, but he could be in trouble. Result? We want the funk.

Brooke White- So we’ve reached the portion of the show where legitimate contestants sing. Brook’s voice is so similar to Carly Simon’s she’s almost a cover act. She was a 1983 birthday (the year of our lord) and was the first one to sing a good song “Every Breath You Take” by the Police. Brook has stage fright, and once again she was a little nervous, but her voice hit a couple “god damn that’s nice” notes and she will be safe tonight. Result? Like a wing eating contest: great at the beginning, somewhat regretful by the end, but only somewhat.

Michael Johns- He’s the good-looking Aussie who either sounds great or terrible. Tonight the dude born in 1978 again dropped some Queen on us, this time the song from Mighty Ducks, and it was really good. Result? Solid.

Carly Smithson- this is the girl with the record deal. I’m telling you she’s a good cover band singer. 1983’s “Total Eclipse Of The Heart” was without key Wedding Crashers lyrics. Result? Meh.

David Archuleta- A name you need to know. This dude will probably win. Despite his age, he’s extraordinarily talented. What else you need to know? He’s LDS and always gives you the feeling he’s trying to convert the heathens. Also, apparently his Dad is insane (like Mary Pierce’s Dad insane, not cool Earl Woods insane) I feel this is relevant because it seems like his Dad completely controls everything in his life, like last night he sung a song called “You're The Voice” by John Farnham. I’m not sure if it was a religious song, but man it sure felt like it. Now I recognize he was born three years ago in 1990, but the kid needs to grow a pair and stand up to dad, it’s not like he’s Desmond Tutu or anything. Result? Uncomfortable.

David Cook- this dude is ROCKIN. A couple weeks ago he sung the best Lionel on Vinyl since Ryan and I got hammered playing Trivial Pursuit while drinking homemade beer from a Pepsi bottle and started belting out Lionel Richie songs to every answer until his parents just started skipping our turn. He did a pretty rockin’ version of Eleanor Rigby a couple weeks back. David Cook also has the unique ability of being both fat and skinny. Last night he sung Billy Jean that was way cooler than the original. Result? Rock on dude.

Kristy Lee Cook- going into this week I kind of liked Kristy Lee. Despite her hokey and sometimes painful performances I thought she had untapped potential. Then she reads the Karl Rove playbook and sings Lee F'n Greenwood’s “Proud to be an American”. Implication: If you don’t vote for me you hate America, the troops, Teen Wolf, and peanuts in the shell. The worst part of it all? Kristy straight nailed that song up. It was by far her best performance to date. So while she sung a song that made me uncomfortable at age six, she smartly locked up fly over country and surely survives another week. Damn you Karl Rove, is there any contest you can’t affect?! Result? Angry, but impressed.

With TIVO you can plow through an entire episode in 20 minutes or so. In doing so you get somewhat up on pop culture, you’ll be entertained, and every once and awhile you actually have a pleasant music experience. So now that I've sufficiently ruined any man-cred I had from my draft preview, join the watercooler discussion, you know the one with all the girls and dudes that don't like sports. It's not as bad as you think.

Sit and Reach

2008-03-25T16:04:00.025-04:00

The following is a completely subjective, selective, and far too long review of last week's fantasy baseball draft.

Round 1
1 Jose Reyes - Ebner
2 David Wright - Wilson
3 Alex Rodriguez - Jay
4 Matt Holliday - Bri
5 Hanley Ramirez - Ryan
6 Chase Utley - Evan
7 Miguel Cabrera - Jeff
8 Jimmy Rollins - Jon
9 Prince Fielder - Paul
10 Ryan Howard – Emery

Notable Pick: We have to discuss A-Rod falling to 3 and Reyes going first. I guess I see the logic that with Joe Kings you win steals and do well in triples, but man… you can choose anyone and to get a guy with 12-15 homers, 60 ribs, and an OPS of less than 800 just doesn’t make sense to me. As for Wright I love the guy, we all do, but A-Rod just fell into your lap at #2 and besides a couple more steals (let’s not forgot A-Rod swiped 24 last year) what does Wright give you besides youth? A-Rod beat him by 24 homers and 50 rbis, even if that gap narrows won’t there still be a gap? A-Rod will probably regress, but it also seems like he’s getting more and more comfortable in New York. I like the bravery, but this may be an overthink?

One pick I love is Cecil’s boy going 9th. He gets unfairly grouped in with Howard and his 200 strikeouts, but it’s scary to think Prince's numbers should improve over last year, probably not homers, but everything else. This was a somewhat unconventional pick, but I really like it.

Ryan's Pick: I had Hanley at #2 on my draft board, so I was happy to see him still there at 5. I briefly considered taking Utley, but opted instead for one of the few legit 40/40 threats in the league (OK, more like 30/40). SS is not as thin as in years past, but the chasm separating the top tier from the second and third tiers is a huge one (although the same could be said of 2B—much more so, even, since it’s a top tier of one). I agree with the assessment that Hanley’s stolen base totals will likely drop this year while his power numbers will likely trend upward (particularly if he bats 3rd). Last year’s somewhat lofty .353 BABIP could portend a drop in BA this season, too, although his speed helps to blur the line between Lucky and Good.

Jeff's Pick: Miguel’s in a worse hitter’s park, but a significantly better lineup. I think those veterans keep him in line and he doesn’t have a month like August last year, especially since his team will be relevant late, unlike last year. I had Cabrera as fifth overall, ahead of Utley and Reyes, so I was happy it was him and not one of those two that fell to me at 7. I think he’ll win AL MVP this year. Plus, he’s still got Carmelo Anthony-like baby fat, which is something I’m always looking to add.

Round 2
11 Johan Santana - Emery
12 Grady Sizemore - Paul
13 Brandon Phillips - Jon
14 Albert Pujols - Jeff
15 Ryan Braun - Evan
16 Carl Crawford - Ryan
17 David Ortiz - Bri
18 Alfonso Soriano - Jay
19 Vladimir Guerrero - Wilson
20 Carlos Lee - Ebner

Notable Pick: I’m as big of a Sizemore fan as there is, OK, maybe that’s not true, but while he’s probably a first round pick in a real baseball draft, due to his age, leadership, and defensive ability, is he really a fantasy star? Eric Byrnes went 55 picks later, and while I think he’s due for a marked regression and Sizemore should improve, I just don’t see Sizemore as the fantasy stud he’s often labeled. So while I love Paul’s pick of Prince in Round 1, I’m not a fan of Grady at 12. Prince and Pujols or Braun would’ve been a scary one-two.

Ryan's Pick: I wanted Pujols. And then I wanted Braun. Turns out Carl Crawford was behind door #3. Not a bad consolation prize, though—particularly if this is the year of his long-awaited, oft foretold power surge. However, if Crawford merely repeats last year’s stats, then I effectively drafted Shane Victorino eight rounds too early.

Jeff's Pick: I debated between Pujols and Braun but in the end I thought that passing on Pujols could’ve been fatal. Braun’s 162 game projection based on what he did last year is silly, but if you figure Pujols’s basement is what he did last season, he’s still a second round pick. If he recaptures his 2003-2006 form, then I just picked the Tomlinson of fantasy baseball after Brandon Phillips. There’s the obvious chance he doesn’t finish the year due to his bum elbow, but I’ll cross my fingers and hope the scheduled off days get him to 140 games. I had Braun pre-ranked one spot ahead, but couldn’t pass on Albie, and in hindsight I’m glad I didn’t.

Round 3
21 Jake Peavy - Ebner
22 Ichiro Suzuki - Wilson
23 B.J. Upton - Jay
24 Mark Teixeira - Bri
25 Carlos Beltran - Ryan
26 Lance Berkman - Evan
27 Alex Rios - Jeff
28 Curtis Granderson - Jon
29 Erik Bedard - Paul
30 Derek Jeter - Emery

Notable Pick: This round pretty much went according to script. Granderson seems like the guy most likely to slip, and that was before his injury over the weekend, as his value is artificially propped up by those finicky triples. I’m sure Jon saw his three spring triples and four dongs and thought “Granderson and Rollins means I’m done worrying about triples” and pulled the trigger. I think he should’ve continued his sordid love affair with Magpipes.

Ryan's Pick: Classic panic pick. I’ve never been a Carlos Beltran fan. He’s a batting average liability, a perennial injury risk, and his speed numbers are overblown. Besides, after drafting Hanley and Carl, speed should not have been a consideration when I made this pick. I want a do-over.

Jeff's Pick: I really, really wanted Rios, although would’ve been forced to take Fat Elvis if Evan passed on him. I debated passing on Rios, and waiting for him in round 4, but he and Tulo were two players I targeted and knew I couldn’t get both if I passed on Alex here. This probably was a half round reach, but Magglio was the only other player I really considered here.

Round 4
31 Magglio Ordonez - Emery
32 Nick Markakis - Paul
33 Justin Morneau - Jon
34 Troy Tulowitzki - Jeff
35 Manny Ramirez - Evan
36 Travis Hafner - Ryan
37 Aramis Ramirez - Bri
38 Victor Martinez - Jay
39 Brian Roberts - Wilson
40 Derrek Lee - Ebner

Notable Pick: Derrek Lee quietly had a nice return from a devastating 2006 injury with an OPS of .913. Brian Roberts is going to steal 50+ bases; otherwise he may never see second base as a member of the worst O’s lineup since 1988.

Ryan's Pick: Risk/reward. His ceiling is 40/120 with a 1.000 OPS. His floor is Carlos Delgado, circa 2007.

Jeff's Pick: I always lean Coors-field heavy and it’s never bitten me back, unlike their beer. I think Tulo joins that list of top shortstops this season. Again, probably a half round reach, but he wasn’t making it back to me in Round 5.

Hey Ry, remember Eric’s theory that only famous people drank Coors (Bill Russell, Barry Sanders, Elway)? I wish Eric was still with us.

Round 5
41 Garrett Atkins - Ebner
42 Chipper Jones - Wilson
43 Cole Hamels - Jay
44 Corey Hart - Bri
45 Hunter Pence - Ryan
46 C.C. Sabathia - Evan
47 Chone Figgins - Jeff
48 Josh Beckett - Jon
49 Brandon Webb - Paul
50 Adam Dunn - Emery

Notable Pick: Chipper Jones had a season worthy of a late first round pick. I really like that pick. And Emery, way to pick the Number 1 Dunner. I’m not a fan, but honestly, you have Ryan Howard, so fuck it.

Ryan's Pick: I was on tilt after Bri apparently read my diary and nabbed Corey Hart one pick prior to mine. Still, Pence is a solid third outfielder. No complaints here. Pence has shown good plate discipline at all levels, he hits for some power, and he has decent speed. Plus dude walked through a glass door, which bumped him up like 17 spots on my draft board when I sorted it by Weird Injuries (Jermaine Dye will stay at the top of this list until a better player gets bitten by spiders). [and, on a side note, the Houston Chronicle’s web address is http://www.chron.com/??? I bet the folks over at High Times didn’t let that go without a fight]

Jeff's Pick: Hunter Pence to Jermaine Dye to Lionel Simmons, done. Homeless Ichiro has never been on my team before and I’m hoping I’ll be able to ride out his dry spell long enough to reach the rainy season (see May, then June). I needed speed with average and figured I could sacrifice some power. Homeless Ichiro might even be generous. To clarify I’m not talking harassing, somewhat together, still able to score the good shit homeless, I mean legless ‘Nam veteran that’s stooped to signs like “I could sure use a beer” homeless. The Chone Experiment is going to go swimmingly or end in tragedy like the Konerko Calamity of ’07, there’s no in between.

Round 6
51 Justin Verlander - Emery
52 Carlos Guillen - Paul
53 Adrian Gonzalez - Jon
54 Ryan Zimmerman - Jeff
55 Jonathan Papelbon - Evan
56 Howie Kendrick - Ryan
57 Torii Hunter - Bri
58 Carlos Pena - Jay
59 Chris Young (OF) - Wilson
60 Francisco Rodriguez - Ebner

Notable Pick: Chris Young was a classic Wilson pick. Raw player, scary in parts, but brimming with upside; 30/30 is a very real possibility. Carlos Guillen was a nice pick too. His numbers are eerily similar to Todd Helton’s but at a more power-scarce position.

Ryan's Pick: I know what you're thinking: Holy crap, can that be right??? Does that really say HOWIE KENDRICK in round 6?!? Shouldn't there be a 1 in front of that 6?!? Look, I know I took him too early. But I like Howie Kendrick this year, and when we dudes like someone, we tend to do irrational things in order to showcase our affection. We spend exorbitant amounts of money on temporary things, like flowers and chocolate. We venture bravely into stores like Papyrus and Victoria's Secret, unsure of our surroundings and equally unsure of what we're there to buy. We make mix tapes with songs like "Lay Lady, Lay" on them. We propose to our girlfriends on JumboTron. And we draft unproven one-category players many rounds too early. We do these things in the name of love. And, if we're lucky, we don't regret them later. And if Kendrick wins the batting title this year and hits 40+ doubles and goes 15/15, then let this blog post serve as your Save The Date for the Kendrick/Smith wedding in 2009. But if he gets hurt again, or he spends the entire year hitting in the seven spot, then I’ll rue the day that I gave my heart to Howie.

Jeff's Pick: Well I’ve been saying for three years that the Nats will be 10-15 games better and the offense will score 20% more runs the minute they move out of the Anacostia Cement Pond, so it’s time to put my money where my leagues is.

Round 7
61 Joe Mauer - Ebner
62 Brian McCann - Wilson
63 Miguel Tejada - Jay
64 Robinson Cano - Bri
65 Todd Helton - Ryan
66 Russell Martin - Evan
67 Eric Byrnes - Jeff
68 Vernon Wells - Jon
69 Bobby Abreu - Paul
70 Jorge Posada - Emery

Notable Pick: Vernon Wells was hurt all year last year, for all us Vernon fans, I hope he recovers because I have some reaching to do next year.

Ryan's Pick: In standard 5x5 roto leagues, Todd Helton’s value has plummeted over the past few years. He no longer hits for power, he’s never been a threat on the base paths, and his days of scoring 120+ runs are over. But in our league, I think he’s still worth a top-10 pick. Despite the decline in HRs, Helton’s OPS remained solid last year thanks to his 42 doubles and .434 OBP. Plus he’s a virtual lock to hit .300+. Still, a slight reach on my part.

Jeff's Pick: As detailed earlier his numbers were in line with a second rounder. I think a regression, perhaps significant, is likely, but I think he slipped a round too far and makes a great value pick here. Plus, as Bri says, he’s baseball’s Cooley.

Round 8
71 Brad Hawpe - Emery
72 Ian Kinsler - Paul
73 Jeff Francoeur - Jon
74 Aaron Harang - Jeff
75 Dan Haren - Evan
76 Michael Young - Ryan
77 Carlos Zambrano - Bri
78 J.J. Putz - Jay
79 John Smoltz - Wilson
80 Nick Swisher - Ebner

Notable Pick: Brad Hawpe was picked about 20 spots above his ADP and yet I love the pick. Look, Brad Hawpe’s a pretty good player that happens to play at the stat-inflating Coors Field, but like Cole and his thumbs, stats don’t care.

Ryan's Pick: I’ve always liked Michael Young. I can’t explain it. He’s like Ecto Cooler, or a particularly smelly wheel of Stilton cheese. There’s funk there. Discernable, detectable, downright sniffable funk. And yet here I am, sitting by my computer, munching away on some Stilton and crackers, thirsting for a cardboard box full of the Ecto, and staring at Michael Young’s name in my second UTIL spot. How did he steal my heart? Was it last year’s .783 OPS? Was it the drastic, Giambi-esque drop in HRs over the past three years? Whatever it was, I’m hoping for a bounce-back this season. And I think he’ll deliver.

Jeff's Pick: Surely a member of MLB’s All-Ugly team, Harang is the White Chocolate with almonds to Ty Hill’s Special Dark. I’ve wanted Harang for two years, and even moreso this season. I was happy the starters generally fell and I didn’t really overpay for him. I almost took Smoltz, but at 40 years old and already a little banged up, I thought Harang was the smarter play. I’m really going to need him to deliver on my questionable rotation.

Round 9
81 Joe Nathan - Ebner
82 Huston Street - Wilson
83 Billy Wagner - Jay
84 Takashi Saito - Bri
85 Tim Lincecum - Ryan
86 Jason Bay - Evan
87 Delmon Young - Jeff
88 Scott Kazmir - Jon
89 Francisco Cordero - Paul
90 Bobby Jenks - Emery

Notable Pick: Here's what stands out the most to me about the demise of Jason Bay:

2005: 101 walks and 21 steals
2006: 109 walks and 11 swipes
2007: 59 walks and 4 steals

Until proven otherwise, the Jason Bay Project is on hold.

Ryan's Pick: I managed to hold off until round 9 to draft a pitcher, and I think my patience was well-acquitted here. Lincecum had two brutal months last year, but he otherwise pitched like a future star. And, based on his Yahoo picture, he’s 12 years old. Wait, this is a keeper league, right?

Jeff's Pick: I really didn’t think I’d land Lil’ Meat Hook, but his upside was too intriguing at the end of round 9. I think his power and speed really improve this year and hopefully his plate discipline will as well. He’s gonna get every chance to put up numbers on the worst Twins team in years. He also strikes me as the guy most likely to fill the troubled athlete void that’s never been properly satisfied since Latrell and Randy Moss sailed out of town.

Round 10
91 Roy Halladay - Emery
92 Matt Kemp - Paul
93 Mike Lowell - Jon
94 Shane Victorino - Jeff
95 Rafael Furcal - Evan
96 Chris Young (P) - Ryan
97 Fausto Carmona - Bri
98 Felix Hernandez - Jay
99 Jacoby Ellsbury - Wilson
100 Javier Vazquez - Ebner

Notable Pick: He’s slated for a platoon, but if the Dodgers trade Pierre or Ethier, Kemp will slide into a full time role and straight-up MASH. And while we’re here, a quick note on Juan Pierre: He’s a somewhat serviceable later-round fantasy player, and that’s really where my interest begins and ends with him. Still, it’s positively insane that the Dodgers willfully refuse to play their best players. Kemp is illmatic. Next year, after Juan Pierre gets kidnapped by Junior and Kemp is assured a starting spot in the OF, I’m totally reaching on him. Kendrick-style.

Ryan's Pick: I’ve clearly entered the “load up on pitchers” phase of my draft strategy. Not much to say about Chris Young that hasn’t already been said: when he’s healthy, he’s solid. Great home park, really tall, went to Princeton, blahdee blahdee blah.

Jeff's Pick: Does the Flying Fruit Fantasy do anything that Byrnes and Figgo don’t do? Probably not. But this speed guy doesn’t strike out and could be great trade bait come June. So while he’s slightly redundant, he was the top player on my board and I stuck to it. Plus Hawaiians have been doing well lately; one might win the presidency and my buddy Nelson (born in Honolulu) received five free car washes with the purchase of his ’05 Corolla.

Round 11
101 Daisuke Matsuzaka - Ebner
102 Yovani Gallardo - Wilson
103 James Shields - Jay
104 Francisco Liriano - Bri
105 Roy Oswalt - Ryan
106 Jose Valverde - Evan
107 Adrian Beltre - Jeff
108 Kenji Johjima - Jon
109 Ben Sheets - Paul
110 Placido Polanco - Emery

Notable Pick: I really love Shields. Polanco was a solid pick, but I probably would’ve gone with Kelly Johnson at 2B instead. Valverde seems due for a major regression. Mr. Sparkle is gonna be a lucky best pitcher for you Ebner.

Ryan's Pick: Oswalt’s K totals have declined in each of the past three seasons. He posted the highest WHIP of his career in 2007, and he now has Miguel Tejada roaming around at shortstop instead of Adam Everett, which is the defensive equivalent of replacing a Porsche 911 with the Trojan Horse. Still, I’ll happily take Roy as my #3 starter. Why? Well, he’s good. Not great anymore, but good. Even in an off year, his numbers were still solid. He’s dependable. And dependability in a pitcher is tough to find. And, on a side note, have you ever taken a look at his career line against the Cincinnati Reds? The Reds are the Washington Generals and Roy is Meadowlark Lemon:

Jeff's Pick: We meet again Adrian. Two years after swearing off Bats in the Beltre I’m back on the wagon. Look, I’m not expecting anything better than 25-100-.280, but I’m not expecting anything worse than 20-85-.270. He was a safe pick, but necessary insurance with my third basemen playing in Southeast with Frank Lucas and Bumpy Johnson.

Round 12
111 Gary Sheffield - Emery
112 Jim Thome - Paul
113 Raul Ibanez - Jon
114 Dustin Pedroia - Jeff
115 Paul Konerko - Evan
116 Alex Gordon - Ryan
117 Kelly Johnson - Bri
118 Jermaine Dye - Jay
119 Joakim Soria - Wilson
120 Hideki Matsui - Ebner

Notable Pick: Great picks by Paul, Evan, Bri, and Ebner. Johnson and Konerko in particular. Ebner, we appreciate the Matsui pick, he was moving too close to the top of our queues for comfort.

Ryan's Pick: Yep, I waited too long to get a third baseman. Gordon’s projections are all over the map, and the odds of him improving drastically on last year’s sub-par numbers seem slim. Still, he showed improvement in the second half last year, and, um, he hit the hell out of AA ball… and that counts for something, right? Right???

Jeff's Pick: First egregious reach on my part, but a guy I was dying to have. BP had him as the 43rd player overall and that, coupled with his scrappiness, clearly led to my irrational exuberance. Irrational or not, I’m still going to somewhat justify this pick with the fact that he struck out just 42 times last year in 520 ABs and the likelihood that he’s going to lead-off for a scary offense. Sure the pick was a reach, one I didn’t need to make in this round, but I get the feeling that I won’t regret drafting Pedroia.

Round 13
121 Dan Uggla - Ebner
122 James Loney - Wilson
123 Mariano Rivera - Jay
124 Andruw Jones - Bri
125 Rickie Weeks - Ryan
126 Kosuke Fukudome - Evan
127 Chad Cordero - Jeff
128 Rafael Soriano - Jon
129 Evan Longoria - Paul
130 Aaron Heilman - Emery

Notable Pick: Rafael Soriano is illmatic. His sore elbow is a concern, but his upside makes him worth the risk here. I like Loney a lot, too. Tough luck on Evan Longoria-Parker getting sent down, but still—round 13 was far too early.

Ryan's Pick: If Keith Law and the good folks over at BP are right and 2008 turns out to be Midnight Rickie's breakout year, then I'll look back on this pick and smile. Otherwise, I’m looking at a .250 avg and a bunch of missed games.

Jeff's Pick: Prediction: the Nats win 10-15 more games and Cordero’s save numbers approach his ’05 total. Plus, with Robert Parish no longer Relief Pitcher eligible, he was the best Chief on my board.

Round 14
131 Kevin Youkilis - Emery
132 Matt Capps - Paul
133 Manny Corpas - Jon
134 John Lackey - Jeff
135 Aaron Rowand - Evan
136 Matt Cain - Ryan
137 Trevor Hoffman - Bri
138 Brett Myers - Jay
139 Joba Chamberlain - Wilson
140 Edwin Encarnacion - Ebner

Notable Pick: If Myers makes a smooth transition back into the rotation, then Jay likely got a 200 K pitcher at a solid discount. I’m not an Aaron Rowand fan. He’s Randy Winn, only ten rounds earlier.

Ryan's Pick: Solid, by-the-book pick. It came down to Cain or Rich Hill, so I naturally went with the guy with the higher WHIP who happens to play for a team that could conceivably lose 100 games this year. MONEYBALL!

Jeff's Pick: He’s out until May, I probably don’t start him until June, but the guy is an ace and would’ve been my AL Cy Young pick pre-injury. I’m happy stashing him until the solstice.

Round 15
141 Johnny Damon - Ebner
142 Jeremy Hermida - Wilson
143 Rafael Betancourt - Jay
144 Carlos Marmol - Bri
145 Brad Lidge - Ryan
146 Rich Hill - Evan
147 Josh Hamilton - Jeff
148 Heath Bell - Jon
149 Jonathan Broxton - Paul
150 Josh Fields - Emery

Notable Pick: Rich Hill could be a top-10 pitcher this year. Betancourt, Marmol, and Lidge will not. No matter how well they pitch.

Ryan's Pick: I avoided the temptation to take a middle reliever here, opting instead to roll the dice on Lidge. At first glance, Philly seems like the wrong place for a homer-prone guy like Lidge to pitch, but Minute Maid ain’t exactly Petco, and he thrived there for years. And when he eventually manages to limp his way to the mound this year, he’ll be a good source of Ks. His K/9 numbers stayed solid in ’06 and ’07 even as everything else blew up around him, and his WHIP dropped considerably last year. If he’s healthy, he’ll be fine. I see no reason why he can’t save 30+ and strike out 100+, which would make him an outright steal this late in the draft.

Jeff's Pick: I was on tilt from the Rich Hill pick, a guy I was dying to have, but I have to admit, I love Hamilton. The injury question mark looms like Captain Bringdown after an acid-induced trip down the yellow-brick road, but I see Hamilton and Texas meshing like weed and cheese curls or ecstasy and hypercolor. Count ‘em: five drug references.

Round 16
151 Jon Rauch - Emery
152 Chad Billingsley - Paul
153 Hideki Okajima - Jon
154 Dustin McGowan - Jeff
155 Jason Isringhausen - Evan
156 B.J. Ryan - Ryan
157 Kevin Gregg - Bri
158 Ryan Garko - Jay
159 Eric Gagne - Wilson
160 A.J. Burnett - Ebner

Notable Pick: AJ Burnett is in a contract year. He’s coming off a solid, if somewhat-quiet, season in which he posted more than a K per inning and a 1.19 WHIP. He’s always had talent. If he can stay off the DL—and it’s a big IF—then look out.

Ryan's Pick: Again, risk/reward. BJ’s a potential steal here. Or, he’ll be a total bust and I’ll regret passing on Burnett, and, six months from now you’ll find me slumped over my couch with an empty bottle of whiskey in my hand, mumbling about what might’ve been. I could’ve drafted AJ Burnett and, a few rounds later, I could’ve drafted BJ Ryan and CJ Wilson. And then, in the football league, I could’ve drafted DJ Hackett and EJ Henderson while wearing my FootJoys and reading the Grand Junction Daily Sentinel. But you’ll punch me in the mouth before I get to HJ Fong.

Jeff's Pick: I suppose it’s time to draft pitchers that will start before June, eh? Employ the 100% guaranteed underrated break-out pitcher draft-a-tron 2000 (sample size: 1). Last year Shane’s sober brother held opponents to an OPS of .644 (!) and righties hit just .198 off him (1.02 WHIP). Post All-Star break he was filthy, especially since ’07 was his first year as a starter. I love him versus any number 3 in the majors.

Round 17
161 George Sherrill - Ebner
162 Pat Neshek - Wilson
163 Juan Pierre - Jay
164 John Maine - Bri
165 Geovany Soto - Ryan
166 Carlos Delgado - Evan
167 Orlando Cabrera - Jeff
168 Pedro Martinez - Jon
169 Jeremy Accardo - Paul
170 Tim Hudson – Emery

Notable Pick: An unglamorous round, Pedro could get off to a sneaky star before breaking down. It wouldn’t surprise me to see him in the All-Star game. John Maine is having a ridiculous spring, I like that pick as well. Neshek is lights-out, and he'll step seamlessly into the closer's role if the Twins trade Nathan.

Ryan's Pick: Not much to say. PECOTA loves Soto, and I’m somewhat fond of the guy, too. I targeted him going in, and managed to get him without reaching too much.

Jeff's Pick: I felt like I could wait on a couple of my undervalued pitchers so I decided to buffer against a sophomore slump from Tulo. Cabrera and Renteria lasted far too long, and while both have limited upside, I really like Cabrera in the underrated hitter’s park of New Comiskey. 20 steals, nearly 200 hits, and less of an injury risk than Renteria made him an unglamorous but solid pick. Cabrera really never hurts you.

Round 18
171 Aubrey Huff - Emery
172 Jarrod Saltalamacchia - Paul
173 Oliver Perez - Jon
174 Ian Snell - Jeff
175 Clay Buchholz - Evan
176 Kelvim Escobar - Ryan
177 Yunel Escobar - Bri
178 Willy Taveras - Jay
179 Jeremy Bonderman - Wilson
180 Michael Cuddyer – Ebner

Notable Pick: Escobar could provide a nice return here for Bri, and his position flexibility is key (Escobar's position flexibility, I mean. Not Bri's. Bri can play anywhere on the diamond). And as much as I love to see Orioles get drafted early and often, Aubrey Huff does not belong on anyone’s fantasy team, not even in an AL East-only league.

Ryan's Pick: Good value, and Kelvim’s injury doesn’t seem to be particularly serious. I wanted Snell, though.

Jeff's Pick: On the one hand I see the 2007 Jeremy Bonderman, on the other I see Erik Bedard. Snell has improved each year and while the Pirates don’t exactly inspire confidence, I love his upside and could see him contributing for me on a bad team like Bedard last year. Until he proves it I probably won’t pitch him as much as some of the older pitchers I’ll take later, but he strikes me as the type of pitcher that could flourish as the ace of a team like Bedard.

Round 19
181 Joaquin Benoit - Ebner
182 Kerry Wood - Wilson
183 Adam LaRoche - Jay
184 Adam Jones - Bri
185 Justin Upton - Ryan
186 Tony Pena - Evan
187 Troy Percival - Jeff
188 Adam Wainwright - Jon
189 Brian Wilson - Paul
190 Brandon Lyon - Emery

Notable Pick: Tony Pena belongs with the elite holds/peripheral pitchers like Betancourt, Okajima, and Heath Bell. Nice pick by Evan. Adam Jones's speed coupled with the fact he’ll get every opportunity to shine, makes him only a modest Orioles reach, which is always the goal; well done Bri.

Ryan's Pick: I actually love this pick. In hindsight, I probably should’ve drafted Milledge or another closer, but Upton’s upside (my band) made him tough to ignore. He’s probably a year or two away from fully contributing, but round 19 is “I’m five beers deep so I’m gonna pull the trigger” country, meaning that Justin Upton has officially replaced LaTroy Hawkins as everyone’s favorite “I’m five beers deep so I’m gonna pull the trigger” draft pick.

Jeff's Pick: I agree with PECOTA that the “Rays” show a monster improvement in 2008 (22-wins more? Perhaps) which makes Percival the classic OK pitcher with gaudy save numbers, see Joe Valverde in 2007. He’s boom or bust, but I’m thinking/hoping the former.

Round 20
191 Ken Griffey Jr. - Emery
192 Phil Hughes - Paul
193 Bob Howry - Jon
194 Ivan Rodriguez - Jeff
195 Brad Penny - Evan
196 Ted Lilly - Ryan
197 Rich Harden - Bri
198 Scot Shields - Jay
199 Lastings Milledge - Wilson
200 C.J. Wilson - Ebner

Notable Pick: Rich Harden has filthy stuff; and I think either he or Ben Sheets will be a Top 10 pitcher next year. Milledge has the CF job all to himself and should benefit from the move from Shea to a (presumably) better hitter's park. Nice pick. And call me Dutch Daulton, but I think Phil Hughes is the only draftable Yankees starter.

Ryan's Pick: Potentially one of my best picks of the entire draft. Lilly’s BABIP was .270 last year, compared to .292 in 2006 and .296 in 2005, so he’s likely due for a slight regression. But he posted solid K totals and a ridonkulous WHIP, and when I saw that he was still there on my draft board in round 20, I felt the same way that OJ must’ve felt when he saw this woman on the jury: everything’s gonna be alright.

Jeff's Pick: Despite approaching his 75th birthday I actually don’t see a regression out of Pudge and think the addition of Renteria and Cabrera makes him even more valuable, especially when he hits from the top of the order versus lefties and while Granderson is out. OK, if I’m being honest I couldn’t justify my annual reach on Leo Gomez making Pudge the best 1991 Topps All-Star Rookie available.
Round 21
201 Billy Butler - Ebner
202 Nick Johnson - Wilson
203 Frank Thomas - Jay
204 Edgar Renteria - Bri
205 Kevin Kouzmanoff - Ryan
206 J.J. Hardy - Evan
207 Joe Blanton - Jeff
208 Jeff Kent - Jon
209 Akinori Iwamura - Paul
210 Pat Burrell - Emery

Notable Pick: Aside from the player Philly fans, um, cleverly refer to as Patricia Burrell I thought this was a great round. The first two picks: Nick Johnson and Billy Butler could end up being key contributors for good teams. With Nick likely securing the first base job, I get the feeling if we did this draft again, he’d go 7 rounds higher. Regardless of whether that’s justified, Wilson just arbitraged a mid-round pick in round 21.

Ryan's Pick: This was my “Oh crap, Alex Gordon is my starting third baseman?!?” pick. I happen to like Kouzmanoff a lot this year. Last season, after an abysmal April, he redeemed himself with solid production the rest of the way. Plus he raked in the minors. Also, it’s worth noting that Kouzmanoff has already locked up the award for this year’s Most Useless Yahoo Fantasy Note. After the draft, my internal monologue went like this: Should I hold onto Kouzmanoff? Or should I drop him for some holds, or for a guy like Garret Anderson? I wish I had some sort of note or piece of information to help me make an informed decision here… And then Yahoo stepped up and dropped some motherfuckin’ knowledge on me in the form of this little chestnut:

Mar 20 3B Kevin Kouzmanoff was back in the air Wednesday afternoon three days after returning from China. But instead of spending 13 hours on a commercial airliner, Kouzmanoff went for a flight with former World Aerobatic champion and 2006 Red Bull Air Races champion Kirby Chambliss in Casa Grande, Ariz.

Thanks, Yahoo. Decision made.

Jeff's Pick: Joe Blanton was a guy I knew I’d get. Not my typical high K/IP pitcher, but a horse who is stepping up to the #1 starter spot in a pitcher-friendly ballpark. Call me Carl Everett, but I really don’t think that a Dan Haren type year is out of the question. Along with M. Cabrera and my closers, my squad is shaping up to be the most rotund since my ballyhooed Fernando’s Fat Friends team of 1996.

Round 22
211 Dontrelle Willis - Emery
212 Brian Fuentes - Paul
213 Gary Matthews Jr. - Jon
214 Derrick Turnbow - Jeff
215 Derek Lowe - Evan
216 Kazuo Fukumori - Ryan
217 Colby Rasmus - Bri
218 Hank Blalock - Jay
219 Jered Weaver - Wilson
220 Randy Johnson - Ebner

Notable Pick: This was a pretty ugly round. I’ll begrudgingly give Jered Weaver, the Angles opening day starter, the nod here.

An aside, is anyone else mad that Dontrelle didn’t invite Meat Hook to his wedding? I mean how else do you explain that he still needs a gravy boat?

Ryan's Pick: Fukumori is in line to get some saves, and I don’t trust CJ Wilson, Benoit, or Guardado. But upon closer inspection, it appears that Fukumori had, like, one good year in Japan. My prediction? He’ll be on waivers by Memorial Day.

Jeff's Pick: I know Turnbow, um, turns the stomach, but I trust Gagne as much as I’d trust any 32 year old French Canadian steroid user coming off of second half with a 6.57 ERA and WHIP of 1.8. The Brewers will be good and Turnbow is going to get a lot of saves or hold chances. I love his K/9 and, to be honest, Brynesie need a smoking partner.

Round 23
221 Conor Jackson - Ebner
222 Jay Bruce - Wilson
223 Joey Votto - Jay
224 Andy Pettitte - Bri
225 Randy Winn - Ryan
226 J.D. Drew - Evan
227 Josh Willingham - Jeff
228 Ryan Spilborghs - Jon
229 Zack Greinke - Paul
230 Elijah Dukes – Emery

Notable Pick: Conor Jackson and Greinke are the best of the bunch, but Bruce and Votto could contribute this year. For what it’s worth, Elijah Dukes has homeless Chris B. Young potential.

Ryan's Pick: Decent late-round value, I guess, but c’mon—he’s Randy Winn. There are a dozen guys just like him on waivers. I should’ve taken Greinke or Borowski.

Jeff's Pick: Didn’t really like the pick when I made it, I almost took Greinke, and should have. Willingham is undistinguishable from about five other Marlins. I’ve already sent him packing for holds.

Round 24
231 Joel Zumaya - Emery
232 Austin Kearns - Paul
233 Dmitri Young - Jon
234 Joe Borowski - Jeff
235 Chien Ming Wang - Evan
236 Mark Teahen - Ryan
237 Russ Springer - Bri
238 Rick Ankiel - Jay
239 Tom Gorzelanny - Wilson
240 Manny Delcarmen - Ebner

Notable Pick: Ankiel. 30-HR potential. Not bad in round 24.

Ryan's Pick: I like Teahen. Heck, I liked him enough last year to draft him in the 13th round. He was a trendy breakout pick back then. He’s not even remotely trendy now. Some sleepers are best described as hibernators.

Jeff's Pick: JoBo adds to my ever expanding roster. I went in with a buy cheap saves strategy and stuck with it. I trust the guy as much as I’d trust any one named Borowski, but he’s the closer (for now) on a 90-win team; good value in my opinion.

Round 25
241 Matt Lindstrom - Ebner
242 Stephen Drew - Wilson
243 Ryan Theriot - Jay
244 Bengie Molina - Bri
245 Felipe Lopez - Ryan
246 Henry Owens - Evan
247 Todd Jones - Jeff
248 Jeremy Guthrie - Jon
249 Aaron Hill - Paul
250 Ryan Freel – Emery

Notable Pick: This was actually one of the better final rounds in recent memory. Aaron Hill and Todd Jones could’ve gone 3-4 rounds earlier. Lindstrom and Drew are serviceable. Guthrie had a few moments of brilliance last year.

Ryan's Pick: Heh Heh. Heh. Waivers.

Jeff's Pick: Ditto re: Borowski.

-A Ryan and Jeff Joint.

Cheering for a loser...

2008-03-24T15:24:00.002-04:00

As we approach another baseball season, I feel a certain optimistic gloom. You would think after 15 years of feeling the same thing every April 1st, I would learn to cope, but hope is a strange thing…and at the start of every MLB season the Pittsburgh Pirates are tied for first in the division.

This season is particularly depressing. The Pirates are on the verge of accomplishing something no one else in MLB history has ever done; they are about to embark on their 16th consecutive losing season (tying the Philadelphia Philles). Consider that for a second. In the last 15 years, even the Kansas City Royals (the MLB's other poster child for a losing franchise) managed a winning season.

The closest thing to a happy baseball memory I have had in the last 15 years was when the 1999 Pirates were actually in the division race in September (they had the lead at the break). That team finished 78-83, third in the division, despite having a payroll of $ 24 mil, and a "star" in Tony Womack.

After that season, there was hope. Then things fell apart. From the previous link, I give you: “First off, the Pirates must decide if Aramis Ramirez is ready to be the everyday third baseman next season. If they decide he is, case closed.” They decided he wasn’t. A series of inexplicable moves, and horrible drafts later, and we find the Pirates where they are now, starting from scratch again, hoping to rebuild the teams from the early 90’s.

Not since Francesco Cabrera broke my heart in 1992, have the Pirates tasted the post-season. The last championship was in 1979 (much to my satisfaction, given my fellow bloggers' allegiances, the win came against the Orioles, so at least I have that going for me). Gone are the days of Stargell, Bonds, Clemente, Van Slyke, and even Spanky Lavalier. Replaced with the fantastic mediocrity of Jason Bay, Adam Laroche, and Freddy Sanchez.

The worst part is, the fans are still coming to watch the games, as Pirate tickets are going like hot cakes. From Bob Smizik of the Pittsburgh Post Gazette, in Fans waging fight against way Nuttings do business:

“What will be remembered as a six-day perfect storm of Pirates ineptitude, on and off the field, began the first full week of this month. On June 5, clearly for financial reasons, the Pirates passed in the draft on switch-hitting catcher Matt Wieters, the best player available for them. The following Friday, Saturday and Sunday, they played amateurish baseball in losing three in a row to the New York Yankees, embarrassing themselves and the game on the sport’s grandest stage.

The organization and the players had come close to hitting rock bottom, and the reaction was predictable. Media outlets were deluged with e-mails, phone calls and letters from outraged and/or frustrated fans. Some outlets said they had never seen the likes of it.

But back home the following Tuesday, the Pirates, facing the last-place Texas Rangers, played to a crowd of 21,158, an increase of 34 percent over their previous largest Tuesday crowd this season. On Friday, 26,647 paying customers came out to watch the next-to-last-place Chicago White Sox. It was the second-best Friday crowd of the season. The next night, they played to their best Saturday crowd of the season, 36,610, which was a sellout. The next afternoon the attendance was 26,830, 11 percent higher than their previous Sunday best.

So much for outrage and frustration. It certainly gives credence to the belief of John Steigerwald, a KDKA sports anchor who long has called Pirates fans suckers for blindly supporting what has been a bad product for 15 seasons.

We can only imagine Bob Nutting, the team’s principal owner, rubbing his hands in glee as the turnstiles clicked furiously for his bad team and profits continued to pour in.”

Believe it or not, the Pirates were rated the third most profitable franchise according to a Forbes study realeased in 2007 (based on 2006). Here was the Pirates response. The study stated that the Pirates operating income -- earnings before interest, debt and taxes -- was $25.3 million. No doubt, the product of having the third lowest payroll in baseball, and a brand new park to which fans flock.

It will be a sad day for me on April 30th, when the Pirates are 10 games out of first and mired in a 5 game losing streak, and hope once again is gone. But in the words of Barney Gumble, “Don’t cry for me …I am already dead…”, well at least until next April.

In Honor of March Madness...

2008-03-17T13:07:00.016-04:00

I present to you, Animal Kingdom Madness. Many moons ago in the midst of an NCAA tournament of old, a man named Ryan A. and I were discussing what could be the elite eight of the animal world. This of course turned into a discussion of how awesome a 64-animal tournament would be. We brought in a few other great minds, most notably Chris I and Chris T, and proceeded to come up with 65 animals that would compete for the greatest prize of the animal kingdom. Before I present you with the final overall seedings and the bracket, here is an overview of the rules in no paticular order:

No exclusively water animals.
No flying animals.
Humans allowed, and for our purposes, take the human at his/her peak performance level.
Humans not given any tools/weapons. The point isn't to even the playing field, it's to find out who is the most badass of our world's natural creations.
All fights take place in an octagon. But whatabout the elephant you ask? Its a freaking huge octagon.
In fights where there is a venomnous animal, if the venomnous animal inflicts a wound but is then killed before the opponent is affected by the venom, we immediately step in with an anti-venom.
Similarly, each animal can receive medical attention between rounds, but they are not "good as new" at the beginning of each fight. So if the Elephant beats out the Lion, but not until it has chunks taken out of it, we can stop the bleeding and prevent it from dying, but he'll be feeling the hurt in the following rounds of battle. While you may think it possible for both animals to sustain fatal wounds, keep in mind we have a medical staff made up of the most well respected vetrinary people out there, so we are confident no deaths will occur between rounds.
Pack animals are not allowed to fight in packs. This is exclusively a one-on-one tournament.

Below you will find the overall rankings and the bracket (with my hypothetical picks). A few notes:

The 4 of us (RA, CI, CT, myself) ranked each of the 65 competitors and then took the average rankings as the overall rankings.
Molly is CI's 5' nothing, ~100 lb, significant other. She wanted her shot at kicking some animal ass on account of her hatred for the Cheetah vs. Ray Lewis in an octagon debate that CI started long ago. At one point this was the only thing that CI was capable of talking about at a family wedding reception and is the focal point of the first tattoo I would get if I had a job where it was acceptable to have neck tattoos (Ray on one side, octagon in the middle, cheetah on the other side). Unfortunately I think Molly has an early exit coming as she drew the Polar Bear in round one, a really physical opponent with a lot of size and a pretty good half-court attack as well as a great overall defense. Just a really well-rounded competitor.
The Super Lion is basically just a bigger/faster/stronger lion than you are used to thinking about.
The Kodiak Bear is simply a Grizzly Bear from Kodiak Island notorious for being the most badass Grizzly Bear.
The Black Mamba is the snake, not Kobe Bryant.

The Rankings:
1 Rhinoceros
2 Super Lion
3 Elephant
4 Bengal Tiger
5 Hippo
6 Polar Bear
7 Kodiak Bear
8 Jaguar
9 Leopard
10 Gorilla
11 Crocodile
12 Cougar
13 Black Bear
14 Cheetah
15 Bruce Lee
16 Black Mamba
17 Alligator
18 Anaconda
19 Bull
20 Moose
21 Mike Tyson
22 Andre the Giant
23 Panda Bear
24 King Cobra
25 Chuck Liddell
26 Pit Bull
27 Wolf
28 Bison
29 Hyena
30 Ray Lewis
31 Doberman
32 Baboon
33 Rattle Snake
34 Orangutan
35 Wolverine
36 Elk
37 German Shepherd
38 Coyote
39 English Mastiff
40 Lynx
41 Ox
42 Badger
43 Komodo Dragon
44 Clydesdale
45 Jackal
46 Warthog
47 Kangaroo
48 Yak
49 Wildebeest
50 Tasmanian Devil
51 Fox
52 Walrus
53 Ostrich
54 Scorpion
55 Gila Monster
56 Deer
57 Porcupine
58 Raccoon
59 Molly
60 Black Widow
61 Cock
62 Tortoise
63 Armadillo
64 Penguin
65 Iguana

The Bracket I tried putting this in here but it wasn't really readable. This flickr version isn't much better but its at least readable.

I feel obliged to defend my Wolverine over Elephant pick. First of all, I think the wolverine is a wildly underappreciated competitor with a will to win like no other. And while he lacks the size, his quickness and ability to create offense out of nothing is overlooked to the detriment of his competitors. He also just feels like he's everywhere on defense sometimes, literally running circles around opponents. Also, watch him in action below. NASTY! Plus, I'm not gonna win unless I pick the upsets so thats my big upset pick. If anyone wants a clean copy of the bracket to fill out email me at benDOTverleyATgmailDOTcom and I will send one over to you. I would love to see what others think would happen.

There are a lot of animal fighting videos on youtube (some obviously better than others); at one point I went through and copied down links to some of the cooler ones. These are not necessarily accurate depictions of what would happen in our tournament since in the wild, these animals can simply decide not to fight whereas in our tournament, they will be prodded into becoming as aggressive as possible. However, they should at least give you an idea of how some of these competitors would do in our octagon. At the very least you will probably want to see animals fighting in octagons more than you did before you clicked on the links. I recommend at least checking out the last two.

Grizzly vs. Grizzly
Black Bear vs. Cougar
Cougar vs. Lynx
Lion vs. Snake
Tiger vs. Croc
Lions vs. Elephant
Tiger vs. Leopard and Leopard vs. Python
Polar Bear vs. Walrus

Badger vs. Fox

Wolverine vs. Wolf
Awesome: Lion vs. Black Bear
Hilarious: Ape vs. Cat

Coming soon: Tough Guy Madness (similar to Animal Kingdom Madness, developed by myself, Tim E, Wilson, Legower, and Jay)